Anxious = Thanks

The past few months have been challenging with Makenzie.  Yes, this post is about being a Mama with nerves about her kid.  A Mama who wishes she could take away any ounce of insecurity and replace it with intense confidence.  A Mama who is trying to find teaching lessons in the midst of challenging lessons.  Because this is a Mama who is forever thankful for her kid who is making her stronger in parenting by pushing her every button of confidence in self, patience and strength.

Makenzie has a sense of anxiety that comes on very strong and intense.  She has been so intense she got me running to the bread basket again. We haven't been able to figure out if it is because losing the formulating time in Fall of 1st grade (she was only 2 weeks of school all of her Fall 1st grade), being in the hospital, juggling life after, having friends whom she connected with move away after she "moved" back, juggling with her two parents who deal with life differently, or just Makenzie being 7.  Mind you, we weren't sure if it was just us who felt her intensity. But found out at her Parent - Teacher meeting in November, it wasn't.

Makenzie's teacher shared with Jack and I that she is doing phenomenal academically. She said Bug has a sense of confidence in her reading and orator skills. She shared Makenzie will read and other kids will listen...she developed a confidence in being "on" when she knows it's her turn to tell the story.  But, Makenzie has developed a blank stare with eyes as big as saucers when she doesn't know what is going to happen. Be it Math, English, a Recess change, unexpected day shift, or a challenge that she might not excel at. She develops nerves that sometimes can't be calmed quickly...despite being an Encyclopedia and reading like 4th graders.  She has excelled academically, despite missing half of 1st grade, but continues to get anxious when not certain of the definite outcome. Where this comes from; nobody knows. We are trying to figure it out. We are working at getting to the root and helping her "breath easier".  We are trying to instill a greater sense of confidence and security that everything will be ok and she is going to be fine.

Last January 2011, when Makenzie started school post hospitalization, we were informed to just let her roll with it and gradually bring her into therapy.  Mind you, some parents would think "my kid in therapy. NO way!". But we were of the mindset if it makes school and life easier, let her go forth and prosper.  Yet, Makenzie assimilated and didn't show signs of anxiety. She was more at "peace" and able to genuinely digest the feelings of her peers.  When a peer was hurt on the playground, she was quick to rush and make sure they were ok.  If two were in a fight, she would try to console them. But as time progressed when there was some girl drama, which is common for young girls, and Makenzie started to get more involved.  Summer 2011 came, we were all able to breath, and then boom, back in it again in the Fall.  To say this is exhausting is an understatement. Now in 2nd grade there are days when she doesn't want to leave home for school. She's been anxious about doing the Monkey Bars perfect, while at the same time she has been blissful in her confidence with playing tag and running in PE.  It is a
see-saw of up one day and down the next.

Right now we are getting some more tools to help Makenzie. She is so smart that she asked why she was to talk to her "big friend" and other kids don't. Straight face she said, "Mom, is that a therapist? Those are who adults talk to with secrets, right? Aren't you checking into some for yourself as well?". Nothing get's past her...I know at age 15 I am in so much trouble. But in some ways....yep actually I know she'll outsmart me all the time. I am a bit thankful for that too.

I am thankful that Makenzie is facing challenges, while also talking about how they affect her inside.
I am beyond thankful that Makenzie can laugh a full belly laugh and make you inspired to laugh too.
I am thankful that although Makenzie personalizes other kids' pain, she is empathetic to do so.
I am thankful Makenzie loves so deeply that it hurts her if she doesn't know what is going to happen when someone is sick, in pain, or hurt themselves.
I am thankful how despite all that has happened, Makenzie keeps looking forward with a positive outlook. She may be anxious at times, but she continues to ponder, "What adventure is next?".
I am thankful through the challenging meltdowns, Makenzie can come back and continue moving forward with sparkle in her eyes.
I am thankful to be Makenzie's Mom for she helps allow me to breath every night. She has made me face challenges with being a parent, since it forces me to know that sometimes loving her means I don't have all the answers to make it better.  To LOVE her with all my heart equates stepping back, riding the see saw with her, and learning what each moment will bring.

I am thankful that she chose me as her Mom on April 12, 2004. And I am forever thankful she always says, "I love you Mom. Thank You".

"Dear Mom, You are the best. Love, Makenzie" 

I am forever thankful.

1.21.12- Bug surprised me with a morning surprise of the beautiful artwork below.

Definitely WILL

"We acquire the strength we have overcome." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Girls in the wheelchair ready for me to use!

It has been 11 days since both of my knees were operated to become "bionic".  While I know that in due time they will feel much better, I truly DO believe and understand that, I recently had a few days of "Pity Party Table of One".  The nerves of the surgery not "working", frustrations of not being able to rotate my feet and knees comfortably, angst of pain while sleeping, and the lack of endorphin rush I get from exercising were starting to wear on me.  BUT I am blown away with how great I have felt too!  The first day I could walk...yes I used the walker, but I was able to walk a bit and hold myself up on both legs. Both of my knees were operated on...that felt wild.  The nurse said in her 9.5 years working at the surgery center, she only had one other patient have double knee surgery.  To compare he wasn't able to walk on both legs for a while.  I thought for sure the girls would be pushing me in the wheelchair, as they were to eager to call me their "old mama".

The first week I had meds in me...lots and lots of meds.  I was a good patient, taking them every 4 hours as prescribed.  I "signed" an agreement with my orthopedic surgeon that I would listen to my body and not do much.  I iced every 90 minutes for 60 minutes, and still am icing, A LOT!  The icing is good since it makes me sit down and "chill"...no pun intended.  I hadn't felt the urge to push it and exercise; I was overly focused on being a good patient and having a strong recovery.  This is a surgery that affects not only my knees for doing competitive sports; but my livelihood being a personal trainer and fitness business owner, my anxiety through healthy stress release in exercise and my ability to partake in many of our fun family active adventures. While it seems frustrating, I know it is temporary. It is interesting though, I had friends and family asking daily how I was holding on.  They know me way to well and have been phenomenal!  They were supportive and kind, curious if I was jonesing yet to take off and "go".  I felt ok until Christmas Eve.

Emerson riding to help pass out bread- She "Believes"

Day 6 had me eager to move and get out of our house.  We walked to Pappo to help at the Christmas Eve soup kitchen.  The girls rode their bikes and I was able to walk holding onto E's bike's handle bars.  We had planned on helping out for a long while and knowing it was only 1 mile to Park Street, I thought I'd be ok.  It felt SO GOOD to be out and helping other people.  TO help those in need and give them a smile. I may have been hobbling a bit from table to table, but the girls enjoyed it and knew they were fortunate.  While I may have been healing from my surgeries, I knew that we healed from being supported by family through jobloss related relocation or Makenzie's long term hospitalization last year.  Those we were helping aren't so fortunate and many, the girls found out, don't have families to love them. Yes it hurt when I got bopped while turning to pass a plate, or squeezing by a family to sit down.  But the message of how blessed we are was needed by all of us.

Icing in the office at Pappo- small price to help others 12.24.11

After Pappo my knees were a bit sore so I pulled back my walking. Christmas was full of fun, presents, painting and enjoying family.  I stopped the intense pain meds since they were to much on my system. Thus I enjoyed some needed wine.  Dad's wine tasting was much more appreciated because yes, it did help with some of the pain. We celebrated how far we have come and grateful we all are for the little things, with my brother, Tyler, throwing in some funny and lame comments of course, but  reinforcing again that the double knee surgery is temporary.

Day 10- feeling pain.  My post - op appointment was  rescheduled by Dr. Z on account of jury duty and is now scheduled for January 4th.  The eagerness to move has started to grow. Reading all the Facebook posts by my peer personal trainers to their clients, mapping out my own goals for my clients and the desire to focus on New GOALS for 2012 has started the bubbling to burst even bigger in my belly to train hard.  And yes, I do have a little belly now from not exercising for 11 days over the Holidays. Your body can shift, remember that peeps!  Use it or lose it!  This little tummy is temporary too, I do know, but the excitement for training has me excited and nervous.  Thus...the words Definitely and Will.  

The wise bicycling Makenzie- Age 7.5   Dec. 29, 2011

Yesterday on Day 10 we walked to the park with the girls. They rode their new bikes and for me, upon going to the park for the first time in 11 days, I felt a bit nervous.  I have felt stronger walking each day, but what about uneven bark chips. How would I hold up?  The imbalance was surprisingly ok, but I forgot I would have to say, "No I can't yet girls".  No to tag, no to monkey bars, no to pushing E on the swings, no to dinosaur tag.  So Makenzie asked me to try and do some push ups on the raised portion of the play structure.   Yes, she is my daughter and learned well.  I did. I started with 20... damn it felt good.  I did another 20 and then followed with 3 sets of 25.  I felt on top of the world and then....I felt my patellas from the pressure.  I had tried push ups a few days prior using our elevated steps to place my hands and relieve the body weight pressure.  It was too intense and painful on my knee caps.  But it was a positive physical step.  I looked over at Jack and started silently crying.  He was running, chasing a squeeling Emerson, and my heart felt heavy.  The thought of, "What if I did this surgery and it didn't work" passed through my head.  Since I was quiet I thought Makenzie didn't notice, but she did.

Makenzie's serious COACH face. "Definitely WILL"

Makenzie came over, looked at me straight in the face and pulled me to her chest in a tight hug. She released me and asked, " Mom, what is the matter?  Are you ok?". I said, "I am watching your Daddy run with Emerson and I hope I will be fast at running again. I hope that my surgery took and I will be faster at running and can race with you and your sister when you are older. I really hope so.".  Makenzie immediately grabbed my cheeks, and looked me straight in the eyes again.  She said:

" Mom, YOU know better than that. 

You replace Hope with Definite 

and So with WILL. 

There is NO HOPE SO. 

There is ONLY DEFINITELY WILL. 

YOU WILL BE FASTER AND STRONGER.

I PROMISE."

More tears now streaming down my cheeks and I smiled saying, "Makenzie, did I teach that to you? If so, you listened and great job on your timing, kid.". She responded, "No Mom, it's all from up here (pointing to her brain). But you can use it if you want since it's true." Ah, Makenzie,  what a wise soul. I feel so grateful she was a miracle blessed to my life. 

NOW, for all of you wishing to make goals for 2012 happen, think of a wise 7.5 year old. Don't ever say: HOPE and SO.  But you say, "I DEFINITELY WILL!".  

Much love and many goals and challenges to overcome to make us stronger in the New Year~ 

Erin Kreitz Shirey

Believe & Peace

Soak it in...

Believe:

Trust your intuition

Leap Fearlessly

Embrace Your Truth

Take Flight Toward Your Dreams

Feel the Abundance of your life

Collect Moments of Kindness

Do the think you never thought you could

Celebrate the gift of today

Never give up. Ever.

Peace

What are YOU waiting for?

Today is the day...Double knee surgery in two hours.  It is interesting because I am a bit nervous of course, but I am actually more calm about taking this challenge head on.  Why, you might think? Because I look at my daughters and how they have just taken every challenge that way and moved forward with incredible spirit. I wanted to pass on courage and confidence in them, and I feel when watching them that I have. Maybe a bit to much sometimes! I tease, but when listening this past weekend to the great comments of confidence with Makenzie saying while riding her new Christmas bike, "I am REALLY good on my bike, watch!".  Followed with Emerson ready to shake a rug at the Union Square ice rink, "Mom, the disco ball is my spotlight I think it's time to DANCE!".

Birthday trail run celebrating 36- 8 miles of FUN

Who doesn't jump for joy when running with awesome Meredith??

This past month my goals were to be active as I possibly can as if I was in racing mode, and take on all the time to USE my body as much as possible.  I don't know what the outcome will be after the surgery, but as Jack always says, "The negative is not an option. It WILL be better, you have to believe".  So I had long runs in San Francisco covering the Coit Tower stairs, Lombard Street, and Hyde Street hill pushing myself to go faster. I did the Turkey Trot and placed 1st in my age group and 3rd overall in a comfortable 6:55 10K pace. I made myself swim a lot on days I wanted to be a wimp because of the chill repeating the mantra, "If Dara Torres can win at 44 years old, you can get your ars in the water and move it!".  I wanted to keep pushing and see what can be done on a body so close to surgery. 

Makenzie loved skating and was trying hard...isn't she beautiful and brave?

Not the best picture but the best day! 12.17.11

Bike ride down Christmas Tree Lane- Perfect!!

This past weekend to celebrate my birthday was phenomenally fun and active to the last minute.  On Friday I taught my last Power Fitness PDX class for a while then kicked my ars spinning and lifting. I rode pulling Emerson all over Alameda singing loudly, and smiled at how great if felt to move and use my body. On Saturday Meredith and I met for our birthday run and it was gorgeous! We got in 8 miles of trails and laughs, joyful to use our bodies to push and our abs to laugh. When running we planned going to Worlds for Triathlon together.  I made some more videos for PFPDX on the trails...a year ago I might have held back and been a bit embarrassed. Saturday I thought who cares and we did them with runners swinging by thinking"WTH". We ice skated with the girls Saturday afternoon and got to teach them to push and glide, falling all over while enjoying the holiday spirit with family. Beyond grateful for my parents who taught us to have FUN each birthday and believe in ourselves...thus we were believing and celebrating with everyone! 

Mom and Dad are the BEST!!!

We got to Fugly Sweater party it up with friends, working our abs again laughing so hard.  Sunday Jack and I ran along the Marina in San Francisco planning our homes to buy when we're multimillionaires. Running  with Jack is always fun since he is competitive, even me with a little birthday hangover. I finished Sunday with blasting through an intense "Last Chance Workout"  that kicked my ars.  The feeling of sweat dripping down my back is what I needed since I know I won't be able to do that for a while. But the best was we went for a night bike ride with the girls to Christmas Tree Lane. We finished the weekend embracing all the joy of the holidays and I got to focus on moving my body.

Can Emerson be any more wonderful?? LOVE!

As I type Emerson woke up and said "Mama are you writing a story, what is it about?".  I told her it was called What are YOU waiting for? and she responded, "Mama you just have to always do it. You have to play and run a lot while you wait."  Emerson is a wise girl, very wise girl. I feel that I am ok, my knees have been incredibly kind to me thus far.  This next chapter is going to be tricky, yes, but it is a new challenge to see what else can be done.   

My goal is to qualify for Triathlon Worlds which I know WILL happen in the next 18 months.  I am not waiting, I am doing, and will make it happen.  So, what are YOU waiting for? Figure it out and go for it!!

Much love and many hugs to you as YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN! 

12.16.11...last day...

Today was my last day teaching Power Fitness PDX until February 2012...double knee surgery is on Monday. 3 days until life will be altered on this teeter totter and I will be off balance in every sense of the phrase.

Teaching Power Fitness PDX and owning my own business has given me a sense of focus, discipline, support, enthusiasm, spirit, appreciation of my own community, and appreciation of the strengths I possess and can share with others. While there have been many days this last year that I have woken up in the middle of the night with nerves about Makenzie and her health and future, Emerson's growth and her quality time with us, my marriage and how challenging having a sick child/job loss/relocation/coping with it all is very different and straining and how I just want to be present and LIVE LOUDLY(vibrantly and embracing each bit of fun and joy) and CONFIDENTLY...has to be put aside so I can support the incredible men and women who come to PFPDX.

Training the TEAM has given me a gift of focus and reason to put on my work and motivational hat. To put aside my own concerns while I help them get stronger and reach their goals. I am beyond eternally grateful.  Without realizing it, many of them have given me back the sense of normalcy I had been craving with every ounce of my being after having a hospitalized child post relocating and starting over.

Now that I taught my last class for 6 weeks I have to focus on embarking on another challenge...double knee surgery.  It is more uncertainty, but the definite I know is I look forward to February when I can put my own fears and challenges aside by starting my days  training Power Fitness PDXers.

I look forward to embracing these challenges of not teaching by using my time rehabbing so I can become stronger. To become more knowledgeable and a greater pillar of coaching to help them surpass all their goals.  The TEAM helped me so very much this year...and honestly I made it to this point more focused than ever before. I can only hope to continue and help them to this same level too...

Little Ryan Needs Powerful Prayers...

Right now I am home in my little house, with 2 wonderful daughters sleeping in their bunk beds, typing next to Jack.  Life is special, wonderful and I am beyond grateful for every minute, even the tough ones.  Sadly as we are in a state of comfort, our friend Ryan McGowan, Makenzie's little buddy who was her "light" at UCSF, is back at UCSF and needs many prayers. He has hyperinsulinism and has been bleeding internally but they don't know where from.  Sweet little Ryan is really sick. 

My heart is so heavy for his Mom, Carolyn, who got to be a wonderful and special friend. I wrote about both of them before (tank is filled & Carolyn ), and our life is forever richer for our time spent with them. Right now, we all need to strong for them.  Please say a prayer for Ryan, Carolyn, his Dad Corey and 3 siblings.  Ryan has incredible strength and courage but needs more. I truly feel prayers work miracles....please pray...

Makenzie  (age 6.5) and Ryan (age 22 months) - 12.12.10

Spasms

Yes, I am a spaz in many ways, as we all are. I love to laugh until my tummy hurts, to share lame jokes, to watch silly movies with lovey dovey plots that are predictable and to make the biggest splashes in the pool with my kids.  But what I don't like....when my back is a SPAZ!

This week my body decided to let me know I needed to step back.  I am sure it has happened to all of you at some point.  This year has been full, the past 6 weeks are no exception.  A road trip with the girls to Portland solo parenting, Hood to Coast, jumping back to school year and nightly meetings, Makenzie's first full year at Otis school (we hope), added on more boot camp classes, more Personal Training Clients, Pacific Grove Tri, sprained wrist from bike fall, Jack working late, Georgia trip and on and on.  It sounds like many of your September's I assume...you want to do it all and be proficient with everything you do.  And then I put a goal on myself to do a big challenge in September...what was I thinking at the time was it was a perfect challenge.  At the end of the month I accomplished many of the tasks, but still had more to do and felt I didn't keep up to my own goals. Do you ever feel like that? 

Then last week some wild stress hit. I thought I could heal it all with my norm of spinning, running, swimming, training, and laughing.  I tried to muscle through, but my back wouldn't have it.  Sunday in a 3000 yard swim workout, my back started to seize up.  No No NO I thought. It can't happen now, swimming is my safe sport and my oasis of peace.  Maybe I was being played on by the higher power, another lesson to be learned since for some reason it seems I am one to keep "learning".  I thought, Embrace the challenge Erin, embrace your back and do mermaid swimming for a bit. I did, felt better, and then had to curl into a ball.

It's ok, I can get stretch and work through this, right?  I set up Monday - Wednesday by the minute; Jack and the girls flew early to Georgia and I wasn't leaving until today, Wednesday, to get a lot of work done.  Then Monday hit...I had an awesome spin class, worked out after and planned on lifting that night.  Stress starting getting to my gut and my stomach started to hurt a bit. "Come on Erin, muscle through", said my inner voice. Watched a lame movie in the quiet house, tackled some of my to do and that night, my back started to spasm and the pain continued. NO, this was not in my plan for my time to work kidless. I had things to do and taking care of my back was not one of them. Tuesday, my back was not great at all and the day that was to be full of tons of training, clients and work ended up with Orthopedic MD for knee update(planned), 1. 5 hours at the Chiropractor for my back (not planned), hour massage for back(not planned), haircut (yeah planned!) and light spin which for me felt great on my back. While I had wanted to push it and get 100 things done, even with a lot of my to-do's that I was able to accomplish, my body said to hold on and breath. Just breath and breath again. 


Today I woke up a new person.  After a night of ice and breathing it all in.  
 
Why ... because I took time to meditate last night and just step back... physically and literally.  

Relish the time to be alone and know that the "to-do" list will always be there.

It is easy to keep going and taking care of everyone, everything and think that you are taking care of your own needs while nursing all around you.  But are you really?  Are you taking moments to just "be" and not worry about feeling productive?  

I know for me that is a hot topic. I have a tough time not mutlitasking, especially as I still feel I have tons of catching up to do. I cram every minute on MWF when I work/teach train clients all day and have our wonderful nanny, Hannah, watch the girls after school.  I am slammed with to-do items. Mind you I love that I ride my bike from appointment to appointment, but even if I do that and feel rushed, am I really enjoying the ride along the way?  But on Tuesday and Thursday, after I teach first thing in the morning, I am off playing with Emerson and being "Mom". I thought that was enough to keep my own life stress in check, but I realized I have not been so honest with myself.  While we step back on those days, I am still riding to soccer class, to gymnastics class, Brownies, learning the Art Docent program and taking care of our home.  I love all of this, but I think sitting back and reading a good book or a trashy magazine needs to fall in to my to-do's ... and not be done while I am on the elliptical trainer at the gym, but in my favorite red chair in the family room.

The spasms set me back, but also set me forward.  It was an eye-opener for me to really set back and breath.  I realized I need to nourish my own soul as I am helping everyone else, and doing nothing sometimes is the best thing to do. Period. 

In December I will have time to focus on doing nothing. It looks like I'll be having double knee surgery then, but it will progress me forward as an athlete and as a trainer.  That challenge, interestingly enough, seems just like that.  It will be a gift to move forward as I got the initial answer on Tuesday regarding what would happen.  More to come on that later, but last night I thought about how maybe the spasms were helping me prep for sitting back and letting my own body heal post surgery. I can't control everything, so to just go with it and breath along the way is a lesson in itself.

What do you do to breath? What do you do to wind down and listen to your body?  Have you have moments of spasms too? If so, what made you breath better?

So I sign off with breathing. Taking one moment at a time and stepping back to just breath, read some silly books, and own up to doing to much for a bit and needing to take care of myself.  It may be selfish, but it may also be the best gift I give back to everyone around whom I adore.

Much love to you and make sure to breath.....