23

Fall is the season in our house that holds deep significance.  Each leaf that falls from the tree is a meaning of life evolving, and how time passes.  With each Season comes brilliance, energy and hope for what it holds.  For me, September is a heartfelt time.  Interestingly enough, it resonates with other friends whom are close to us, and many school friends.  This past week on the playground, 12 different friends have asked how Makenzie's health is doing.  Trying to sound strong while being real, I share, "She is doing great and shows no symptoms of even having Type 1 Diabetes yet.  We take it as it comes and for now, she is a walking miracle. She rocks her 1/3 pancreas like it's nobody's business".

But honestly, I look at the Fall date of September 23rd as a marker. September 23rd, 2010, is when I rushed Makenzie to the hospital. It is a date that forever changed my entire families life. It's a date when my oldest daughter didn't recognize me at all.  It is when I looked at her big eyes, trying to stare into her soul, and thought her soul was being lifted away from me.

Flag catching, 9.20.2010

I had been in Portland for the Power MOB business conference from September 21-23rd. Honestly, it was an excuse to visit my heart city and be with some of my best girlfriends.  Rarely do I get away without the kids. While in Portland, Makenzie had fallen ill with stomach flu on September 22nd.  Keeping in constant touch with Jack and my Mom, they said to stay in Portland and enjoy myself.  As the day progressed, Jack shared she wasn't feeling better and after going to the pediatrician, they agreed she'd stay home the next day.  I asked my Mom if I should take an earlier flight. She said enjoy my morning and she'd be with Makenzie. The next morning, I attempted to "enjoy the time" while running the Leif Erickson trails with my dear friend, Sheri.  However, my gut wasn't feeling right.  It was heavy and I had an inkling something was off.  Upon calling Mom at the airport, she said Makenzie seemed dehydrated and that when I got home we should have her checked up again.  The less than two hour flight felt like ten hours.  Even with my Mom saying Makenzie just seemed dehydrated, my Mother instinct was on overload.  It was like I was being guided by airplane controllers waving their lights signaling, "All factors point towards your daughter being really sick. Be ready to run off the plane to take care of her".

My Dad picked me up from the airport, and as he pulled in front of my house I booked it inside to see Makenzie. My Mom looked at me and said, "Erin she isn't doing well and still can't keep things down. She just started the mouth bubbles after the last time we talked. I think she is sicker than stomach flu." Her eyes were as big as saucers, little face was foaming at the mouth, skin pale, body warm but extremities cold and she had no recognition of me.  Her mother. The woman who carried her for 9 months and nurtured her every day since birth. I held her and said nervously to my own Mom, "She isn't good Mom. She seems like it could be more than dehydration. I think we should go to Children's Hospital to give her fluids".  As my Dad drove the car, I said out loud with a focused tone I didn't know I possessed, "It has to be dehydration. I left 2 days ago with a dynamic 6 year old who was swimming alongside me, and now she seems so weak.  She must need to just keep her fluids down."  I had no idea how hard her strong little body had been working to fight off all the demons of broken down organs. Calling the pediatrician en route, I was rubbing Makenzie's hand hoping she'd recognize me. She didn't.

Hospital Life - 9.23.2010-12.16.2010

When we arrived at Children's Hospital Oakland, the nurses took Makenzie's vitals. While doing so, she shook like mad and had a seizure.  That seizure rushed us to the ER into a myriad of medical mayhem.  Makenzie was taken from my arms, laid on the table, and tubes started going in and out of her.  I maintained my calm, praying in my heart and mind to my God...Please let her be strong.  What is going on God, please let my Miracle be strong. Let her know we love her and let her please hear our voices.  I continued to talk to Makenzie as her eyes wandered through the faces above her, not knowing what was going on, but so out of her own body that she couldn't wince in pain.  My Dad had joined in the room than and stood behind me.  He rubbed my back with his big hands attempting to provide comfort, doing this while I rubbed Bug's legs simultaneously, hoping my touch could heal her body too.

Medical terms, questions, big words, talking above Makenzie's head, whispered conversations amongst the doctors, and a feeling of the unknown.  You could feel the room's nerves, since the medical team had no idea what was going on with Makenzie.  Every few minutes another pediatric specialist came in to do a test they could use to rule out the unknown.  When Jack arrived rushing in from work 30 minutes later, there was still no idea. The next hours felt like years.  Makenzie's body couldn't hold anything in.  It was breaking down. Each organ had decided to fail and not work together.  We are a TEAM, our little family unit, and her little team of a body decided to disagree with....each...organ.

Courage = Embracing Life's Challenges

Guilt began to rise within me.  What if she didn't recognize me again? What if she had gotten an infection to  her brain? What if I hadn't gone away and stayed home with the girls?  What if her body was breaking down and wouldn't come back? What if ....so many what ifs rose up and enveloped my mind. While doing so, my inner voice screamed, "Don't go there Erin. DO NOT allow those thoughts to enter your body".

Beautiful Miracle- 8.16.2012

The pain of watching your helpless child, and not being able to connect with them, is an experience I don't wish upon anyone.  To stand there, praying they can hear your voice to calm them, praying that if it is their last moments in the world they could feel your love cradling their body is a living nightmare.  It is a feeling that now, almost 2 years after it happened, I sometimes still experience.  It is a feeling that doesn't wash away with countless showers, or with therapy sessions. Only with time.  It is one that likes to present itself when you think of the date that forever changed your life.

But it is also a time when you learn miracles do exist! It is a date that I associate with strength and courage, because on that date, we found out on a deeper level what our daughter was made of. It is a date that allowed me to trust my inner Mom voice.  It is a date that cemented Jack's and my partnership as parents, knowing we would not let our daughters down when they needed us most.  It is a date that even with haunting me, reminds me how far Makenzie has come.  

While watching her playing tag on the playground yesterday, pink leggings tight on her round buns, I felt grateful.  Another Mom asked me how she was doing, I said with a smile, "Look at her. She is doing incredible and taking it each day as it comes.  She knows what happened in a more mature level now, but she also is aware of how strong she is and what she is capable of overcoming."   I believe, September 23rd reminds us all of that.


Visit the Believe in ME Foundation to help provide quality childcare for siblings of hospitalized kids.

Happy Father's Day

Happiest of Father's Days to all the incredible Dad's out there.  Earlier this month it was fun to surprise Dad and Jack with a toast to the two of them in my PFPDX Newsletter.  They are the epitome of great Dad's, and for that I am eternally grateful.  Take a read and wish your favorite Dad's a Happy Father's Day!
With love and much laughter-Erin

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.  ~Bill Cosby

As a Mom, I am constantly in awe with the ease some Dads have.  The difference in chromosomes creates a knowledge that "All will be good, relax and have fun in the moment with the kids! Let's go to the pool and do huge cannonballs even if there are 10 loads of laundry to be folded. They'll be there when we get back, don't worry, cannonballs await us."  Dad's can start a water fight at the drop of a hat, with the desire to create a fun moment with their kids so they can be kids. They end the day with tickles and pillow fights, knowing it means an additional 10 minutes of calming down kids for bed. Dads have a gift of laughter and ability to not stress about things that aren't truly important, but relish and celebrate the huge moments while truly being "in" them.  

Mermaid Tri with Dad & E

When growing up, my Dad, Bob, was my hero. He is over 6 feet tall and has a football players build.  Dad has always been silly and fun, with a nature that allowed everyone he met to be comfortable with him and know he was a good guy.  Dad cherished each little moment with us, from raking leaves to taking us to tennis tournaments.  Whatever we did, Dad always saw the bright side  and lived life fully embracing us.  In Summer, he would rush home from work to ride his brown Schwin ten speed to the pool with us.  At the pool, Dad let us chew bubble gum while swimming and would throw us to reach the flags.  He was as excited as we were when we were launched high in the sky, especially when landing and making a huge splash.  While Dad was fun, he also let us know we were loved and supported as we embarked on our academics and athletics.  While in college at Cal Poly, Dad would make an excuse when he had afternoon work meetings in Monterey, to drive the three hours to visit me for breakfast in San Luis Obispo.  In every race, Dad tried to be there and understand the sport logistics of swimming, running and triathlons. I am beyond grateful because I was raised by a man telling me daily that I could do anything I put my mind to, and I better find fun while doing it. 

Upon meeting Jack, I admired who he was in his inner core. While he is uber competitive, as those who do Date Night Boot Camp know, he is genuinely in love with sports and wants all participants to feel included. He gets along with

Jack, M & E at the Mermaid

everyone, finds the good in people and is an eternal optimist.  Jack is competitve, but also beyond supportive of each athlete doing and trying their best. He has taught me to step back and breath in all the fun that is happening; to ensure I remember the silly moments. With our daughters, Jack is genuinely present with them.  He strives to be part of their daily activities.  Athletically, he encourages them to work hard with their respective skills.  While I was doing rehab work with Makenzie, who has had different medical needs due to her hospitalizations, Jack was first to encourage her to try gymnastics again. Emerson has knocked Jack's socks off by her comptitive nature, but also her polite manners with those she plays against. Jack brings the girls spirits up through highlighting their respective strengths. He has always said that life and athletic boundaries are meant to be broken, and our daughters can, and will, break them.  That element of pride and confidence is an unending gift all should be so fortunate to open each day.

This past two weekends were the two races in Alameda catered to women. See Jane Run's Half Marathon, 5K and Kids Mile and the Mermaid Triathlon and Mini Mermaid 1.5 mile.  My Dad and Jack were at both events, and both supportive of not only me racing, but of Makenzie, Emerson and all other women and kids.  When Emerson, age 4, did the kids mile, she looked up at me running alongside her and said, "Mommy, I think Daddy will be excited I am faster than him!".  He was beaming upon seeing her run through the shute. He told her to wear her medal daily and be "super excited" for what she accomplished. Dad had to leave before Emerson's race so he called to ask how it was. While sharing the experience and how happy Emerson was, Dad said, "Erin, it must feel so good for you as her Mom, like when I watch you race. She's a runner like you. I know the joy."  When Makenzie did the 1.5 Mini Mermaid, both my Dad and Jack were there to support her. 

After she ran by, I looked at my Dad and had tears streaming down my cheeks.  He smiled and knew the joy, since he feels that watching not only my siblings and I, but also my kids. Especially Makenzie and all that she has gone through medically. Last year at this time she could barely do P.E. and now, she can run 1.5 miles comfortably.  Upon her finish, Jack raced by excited and beaming with pride.  He whispered to me, 'Erin, we have to get her a hat to celebrate today. She ran 1.5 miles now, she can do it!". For all of us, it was a true testiment in believing and knowing it will all be better than ok. That is a gift the two most important Dad's in my life have taught me. My husband, Jack, and my Dad, Bob, let me know that despite anything life will be good, all will be ok, and someone is always cheering for you.  

To all the Dad's out there, Happy Father's Day.  Know we are cheering for you daily, and forever grateful that you step back to have water fights while encouraging your kids to embrace the rich moments in life. 

Challenge the POWER of YOU!  

  

----Erin Kreitz Shirey

Owner & Lead Trainer of

Power Fitness PDX LLC

www.powerfitnesspdx.com

Life is good...Mud RUN good

You know what, life is GOOD!  Yep, I think when you work through heartache, balance, leaping from one heavy obstacle to the next, it is just bound to be GOOD!  I have often felt over the past years that the unfortunate hiccups make the heavy moments feel that much richer, even in their horrible elements.  Yes, seems odd to some probably.  I am writing right now as my girls are cuddled up in jammies, enjoying Saturday morning cartoons and ready to make the 3-day weekend last forever.

In March, when I entered the Children's Hospital writing contest, I put myself out there in many ways.  I wrote openly and honestly about how hard being married was when faced with challenges.  I talked about how the last year was the hardest one yet, which it was.  In essence it was because Jack and I had to face issues head on, without any protective lenses.  We spoke some harsh words and learned through communicating poorly, how we also knew at the base of it we are a great team and can communicate beautifully.  While daunting, it taught me a lot about my marriage and how strong our partnership is.  After posting the piece, I received emails from friends sharing heartfelt messages about feelings of now not "being alone", and "I thought my husband and I were the only ones who had challenges like this".  The honesty in my essay helped open communication among others, and within my own friend circle.  For that I am grateful.  How life continues to have great things come from challenging situations...not being a finalist in the contest after opening my soul was hard, but the element of open communication amongst friends supporting one another is a forever gift.

Before the mud and obstacles

Thus, it's all good right now.  Last Saturday, Jack and I did a MudRun, which seemed parallel in funny ways how good life feels"after running through a lot of mud".  Literally feels good to my core and inner being.  It was our 4th weekend in a row of doing an athletic event together; a foundation of who we are as a team.  When we rode Wildflower 65 mile bike ride on April 29th, we took off from my family and got to enjoy working together to pull each other up and down the hills.  It was Jack's first metric century, and I got to help him with some cycling skills while he encouraged me with my first metric century post double knee surgery.  We did the same on Saturday through the mud and obstacles.  We were both excited and motivated to have FUN, no race timing chip, just FUN.

Ready to rock the race

At the starting line, all of us were dancing with our friends, Chris and Linda. Makenzie and Emerson were ready to cheer us on while being the course "photographers".  They got to hang with our friend, Linda, who is cutely pregnant and wasn't about to bop her baby belly through the obstacle course.  The laughter started at the beginning, and continued throughout.  In the first 60 seconds of standing by the registration booth, we saw people dressed in Wonder Woman and Batgirl costumes to military men covered in mud...we knew we were in a for a memorable day.

To me, the dirty part of the mud didn't seem daunting, but invigorating for some reason. It made the event seem a bit more adventurous compared to regular runs and triathlons, which seemed exciting.  I wanted a lot of challenges to take on and overcome; bring on the ropes, muddy tires and sprints. We lined up for our 12:30 wave at the starting line and the music blasted all around. Some people looked stiff and nervous, while others looked intense like warriors on a mission.  The three of us looked like 30-somethings who didn't give a flying poo about their rhythm, but wanted to dance, race and laugh. Emerson, Makenzie and Linda watched and waved laughing at us and the girls were dancing too. The energy in the air was that of FUN. Everyone was to have FUN.

3.2.1.....START!  Jack, Chris and I ran through the race arch and were on our way. We embarked on a few hills right in the beginning. Sweeeeet. I love to climb hills and felt good. It was about 93 degrees and blistering sun which made it more of a challenge. Gradually, Chris fell into his own pace and Jack and I were running alongside each other.  He is such a solid runner and competitive athlete, I can't help but race better when alongside him. He maneuvers his body like a gazelle at times, hopping from foot to foot with a comfortable cadence. First obstacle approached; 3 7-8 foot walls to climb over.  Both of us jumped up and over confidently.  Running continued up and down some  hills. Next obstacle of muddy barrels.  Clump clump went the mud when it latched onto our running shoes.  We kept moving, at this point I was a bit ahead of Jack on another climb. My legs and knees felt strong and solid. Phew, 5 months post surgery and my body was doing what it's supposed to do. Another few obstacle walls we blasted over independently and then...one that was to high. Heck, I am 5'1", not the tallest girl by any means. Before I could even ask, Jack bent over and yelled, "Erin, just jump on my back. You got this." With a quick jump and leap, I was up and over the wall.  Jack's "back stool" repeated two more times until we were at the tires. Quick steps through each muddy tire; using agility work that came easy from teaching so many boot camp classes.

After the tires Jack looked at me with a smirk, "We're not muddy enough. Where is the MUD??  Erin, I think we're the first in our wave now too." Ah, the competitive boy is always there, and funnily enough I had already noticed the same thing.  We embarked on more groups of runners and passed them as we swished through the obstacles and on the trail. Up one hill we heard screaming and cheering. Two big walls, and I mean big.  The outline of some people standing at the bottom just staring up with feet paralyzed in the dirt.  As we approached, we saw their faces that had fearful expressions. I yelled to Jack, "Just do it! GO". The first wall had 2 inch pieces of wood ledges you could grab onto that were spaced about 4 feet apart. If you didn't grasp well, you'd fall down to the bottom, or on top of the person below you. There was a strong guy, about 25 years old and 6 feet tall, climbing next to me, For each wide stretch my legs took to reach the ledge, he glided up, but was nervous looking down to the ground. We teased each other and raced to the top. At the top, flipped around and climbed down the rope net ladder. At this point I heard Makenzie and Emerson yelling, "Go Mommy! Go, race Daddy, GO FAST Mooooom!".  It felt great to high five their little hands and continue on to the next part...a steep down hill to more up and down. I have to admit, the downhill scared me with my knees. I wanted to mentally feel "normal", but after double knee surgery this is my "new normal" and while I climbed down it was OK! Jack was in front looking back with a gleam in his eye and yelled, "How are they now? Feeling good? Should we push through the mud?". "Sure!" I cheered back.  I didn't realize what he really meant until I saw the mud pit in front of him.

We came upon a mud pit that looked like a pig's dream home. People were trying to edge around it and not get muddy....until Jack leaped in doing a dive roll.  Head to toe covered in mud.  It made everyone gasp and Jack grin.  I followed suit, not a dive roll, but blasted through.  Speedy and muddy up the hill laughing at Jack. Next mud pit, we both just crawled through and went all out.  There was one thing with running through splattering mud, but another with blasting through it on all fours. At this point, we were committed to the mud and getting down and dirty. Out of the second big pit, climbed up globbing along and determined to finish fast. More mud, another wall and mini climbs up we accomplished.  Next we heard the cheers looking up to see people watching down at the final obstacles. Barbed wire to crawl under through mud pits.  We plowed through as some others were tip-toeing around trying not to get dirty.  At this point I just smiled and laughed at them, "You're in a mud run. Get dirty! It will wash off later." Under the final wire, upright position found, ran to the finish line alongside Jack. It was INCREDIBLE! We had grins ear to ear and were on Cloud Nine.  Someone came up yelling at me, "It was so fun to watch you two not caring and having fun! Thank you!".  Ah, made my day since we just did what we wanted to and as Jack pointed out, came out in the end the first in our wave of 200+ runners. 

Want a hug Girls??

We ran to see the girls and Linda at the top of the hill by the obstacles.  The girls wouldn't hug us but made faces instead. I couldn't stop jumping and smiling....and spotted Chris climbing down the rope ladder.  He waved and asked where the mud was...before I knew what was happening I popped in to run the last third of the race with him too.  This time covered in mud, which got Chris eager to join our muddy selves.  Chris calls me his "Mini Motivator", which I tried to live up to while wiping mud from my mouth as I spoke". Chris and I ran through the obstacles, mud pits and up the hill at the end with him joining us in the full mud fun too.

At the end, the three of us were covered head to toe, in mud, and huge smiles. Linda, Makenzie and Emerson took pictures of us and the moment immediately etched in my mind as a favorite of all time. It could have been the camaraderie, the physical challenge, the support, competing outside the traditional running box, overcoming new races post surgery and the partnership with Jack.  We washed off the mud with huge water trucks that just sprayed us down. We were still a bit dirty with mud gobs in places they shouldn't be, but from the outside looked rinsed and ready to start again.

It is parallel to where we are in life.  The entire mud run was.  Jack and I are an incredible team, especially with the cheering on of our daughters. We have run through one mud pit after another, but always put a hand out to help one another get through it. Sometimes our entire bodies are covered in layers of mud, but we know it's an obstacle we'll get through.  We leap over puddles, run through them, sometimes fall down and climb over walls.  At the end, through companionship and teamwork, we get washed off and get to run a new race.  It may take a few washes to clean us off (my sports bra still has some dirt in it!), but we'll get there and be ready to leap and laugh.  Our life may be muddy, but our LIFE IS GOOD! 

Life is GOOD!! 

Little Ryan Needs Powerful Prayers...

Right now I am home in my little house, with 2 wonderful daughters sleeping in their bunk beds, typing next to Jack.  Life is special, wonderful and I am beyond grateful for every minute, even the tough ones.  Sadly as we are in a state of comfort, our friend Ryan McGowan, Makenzie's little buddy who was her "light" at UCSF, is back at UCSF and needs many prayers. He has hyperinsulinism and has been bleeding internally but they don't know where from.  Sweet little Ryan is really sick. 

My heart is so heavy for his Mom, Carolyn, who got to be a wonderful and special friend. I wrote about both of them before (tank is filled & Carolyn ), and our life is forever richer for our time spent with them. Right now, we all need to strong for them.  Please say a prayer for Ryan, Carolyn, his Dad Corey and 3 siblings.  Ryan has incredible strength and courage but needs more. I truly feel prayers work miracles....please pray...

Makenzie  (age 6.5) and Ryan (age 22 months) - 12.12.10

Lemonade

Friday afternoon was blissful. It could have gone horribly wrong, but it didn't, and I can't help but think it was in part because of the girls knowing you have to make lemonade out of lemons!

Friday was Makenzie's last day of Hidden Cove Summer Camp for the week. By Fridays all of us are a bit tired, ready to play but also ready to chill in the same.  Emerson and I rode the bike trailer to the beach to pick up Makenzie and had a planned beach-playdate with her dear friend, C, and her wonderful Mom, J.  Makenzie and C changed into their swimsuits, grabbed the buckets and ran right into the water.  E was sleeping in the trailer, which was perfect and necessary since she needed her naps by Friday.  J and I actually had some time to talk and debrief over life's events.  We watched the girls play in the sand, dive in the Bay, chase each other and honestly just have fun being kids.  It was easy and perfect.  E woke up a bit groggy and gradually made her way to the sand.  She jumped right in too, excitedly wearing her new turquoise 2-piece and shaked her boomer all the way to the sand.

While my toes were nestling in the sand, the sunshine warming my chest and conversation flowing between J and I, my thoughts were of "this is a perfect Friday afternoon in Summer!".  After 90 minutes it was time to pack up and ride home.  I wanted enough time to get ready for that night, as part of my Happiness Project is to spend more time with my own girl friends and I had a playdate at Rock Wall's Champagne tasting I didn't want to miss.  All were buckled, ready to ride home and feeling the Friday fatigue of a good week. The girls and I were singing loudly and then I heard a "bang-bang-bang".  I continued on, but the sound did too. I stopped, checked the trailer and the tires.  TWO flat tires. Oh man, we were only at the Windsurf Shack which means another 3 miles until our house.  My initial thoughts were this can be fine, and let's hope E and M don't have meltdowns.

While checking both tires looking for any objects in them, a nice man who was running, stopped too. He kindly went over the tires sharing he was sorry he didn't have a spare with him.  So nice- he was running and worried he didn't have a bike trailer spare wheel!  We said good bye and I said to the girls, "Guess what- we get to walk home now! Yeah for a beautiful sunshine day!".  3 miles, this could be tricky...

Or the opposite!  Makenzie looked at me, looked at Emerson and said "Hey guys, let's race!". She started running and Emerson followed. Before I knew it we were at Grand Ave.- half mile done! We continued on with Emerson in the bike trailer and Makenzie pushing the back. No complaints- we played Eye Spy, 20 questions, sang songs, and contemplated where we should have our next adventure.  Makenzie was asking questions about different times when I was growing up with my brother and sister while E was playing with her baby, Rachel.  I told the girls to get to the South Shore stop sign and we could get ice cream. There would be only 1.3 miles to walk after.  Wahoo- almost there. My Mom ears were so proud- they were truly making lemons to lemonade without any tears.

At Lords Ice Cream the girls got to pick what ice cream they wanted with M&M toppings.  The ice cream melted everywhere and the three of us laughed. Makenzie observed that the runner who helped us said maybe Pagano's may have bike tires and we could go there after the ice cream. I didn't even register that piece of information, and confirmed we were ok to keep walking. After we finished the melting messes, the girls took turns with "riding" my bike and me helping them balance.  We ran into a few people and had a few friend's honk their horns and wave.  The girls excitedly waved back, and then asked how much further.  With only half mile left, we realized we'd make it for me to get a shower and get to the Champagne tasting. Emerson said while sitting in the bike trailer, "It's good Mom, we'll be there!  Let's go faster!!!!". Makenzie did just that while she pushed the back of the trailer and I balanced the bike.

Phew, once we made it home the girls went into song and dance.  They made it home without any whining, crying, or complaining!  They worked as a TEAM, having played all afternoon, but pushed themselves knowing I had a little event planned to make it to.  Makenzie and Emerson didn't wince and Makenzie was so proud of the fact she walked 3 miles after a full day of playing at camp and swimming.  This coming from my 7 year old daughter who I had to re-teach how to walk in October, had surgeries in November and December, and only started PE again in April 2011!

Yet I hear from some clients and those who want to lose weight give me excuses all the time such as; "There is no time to exercise". "Push ups are to hard so I don't want to do them". "I can't do this because it hurts and I am tired". "My kids made me gain wait and I have no energy to work harder anymore". "Please don't push me, I had a rough day".  We all have rough days, moments, weeks, years. It is how we DEAL with them that counts.   It is how we make a situation into an adventure and allow our body to cope with the adventure.  It is how we take what could be a tricky time and turn it into a sporty event with positive memories.

After we made it home, I took a 10 minute shower-change-wrap up, got the girls changed and everyone in the car.  While I digested the afternoon, I was overcome with a sense of complete pride for who my daughters are.  I am always proud of them; love Makenzie and Emerson more than the world and will jump as high as they ask me to any day.  But this instance, I felt so very proud and toasted them with my glass of bubbly as I shared the afternoon's story with my friends.  Cheers to many more Lemonade days!

Bikini

Summer is almost here and with that highlights body image issues for every female.  Why do we worry about our bodies so much- how they look, jiggle, move, jump, plump, flop or lift?  When eating healthy diets and exercising daily, why do we stress if our bodies can't fight gravity the way we want them to?  Where do these insecurities come from, and how can we help our daughters avoid them?

When we lived in LA, we had a blast but knew that it wasn't where we wanted to raise our daughter.  When Makenzie was born, we picked 5 cities to move to by the time she was to be 5 years old. We beat that timing and moved to Portland, a city of incredible body acceptance, when Makenzie was shy of 4 months old.  The move was significant in Makenzie's first years of life, and my months being postnatal and getting stronger again.  In LA when pregnant, I felt ginormous. I was in the fitness industry, and while active I can vividly remember some gentleman with beer bellies at the club I worked at, asking if I was having twins.  Exactly what a 5'1" 28 year old wants to hear, especially when she is surrounded by tall soap stars and "stars in their own mind" LA peeps every day.  Even being active, we knew it wasn't the healthiest place for us to raise a daughter.  And having had an eating disorder in Junior High and High School, if we could prevent any external pressures on body image for our kid, I was determined we would.

Thus Portland- it was great! While a female can never escape the media, in Portland so many women are encouraged and accepted for being rockstar athletes.  The confidence in who you are and how you hold yourself flourishes when amongst women who are just happy to BE themselves. Mind you, when in Portland, we were constantly surrounded by other men and women who lived healthy lifestyles since many of our friends were clients and trainers from my fitness businesses. They drank the same "health and fitness" juice that we did; living the life of athletes with kids.

2010 Summer -Lake Tahoe- Swimsuit pride!

When in Portland, I actually became more confident in my own body.  I don't know if it was the ability to feel solid and strong after 2 c-sections, if it was being inspired by the consistent runners I saw every morning in Forest Park or climbing Mt. Tabor stairs with an Ergo and my babies on my back.  We all moved because it felt "good to do", and for me I wanted to identify with my athlete self in addition to my Mom self.  With that comfort in my own skin, I gained even more confidence in my own training and teaching abilities.  It led to not just knowing I was an athlete, but feeling my body could push itself harder than I thought possible.  I knew it would hurt, but so many others were training too and to train among some of the best in the world made me push harder. My times got faster which led to me getting more and more inspired.  I LOVED, and still do, knowing that Makenzie (and later Emerson) would only know their Mom as someone who ran, rode, swam and trained all the time.  They don't know anything but being a female means being strong and embracing your solid legs, smaller chest, and strong back.  They know it means you exercise when you first wake up to kick off your day and your metabolism; that you use your body for your vehicle by riding or running to do errands and visit friends.

Every Summer, we made our daily run or ride to the swimming pool. When the girls had lessons I would swim laps,  always peaking over in between strokes.  I loved watching them jump comfortably in their swimsuits, bum cheeks popping out in their suit bottoms and not caring at all.  I relished seeing them joyful as they were moving all over the swimming pool. We swam for hours and would play in the adjacent Grant Park until the sun went down.  Continuously it was my goal to tell them how strong their bodies were, how incredible their bodies were for doing big jumps and swimming with big rainbow arms.  I was focused, and will forever be, in making sure they know their body is a gift and to embrace all it has to offer.

pool joy

It is hard as a Mom to do that at times, since everyone has days where they don't feel "right" in their own skin. Guys want to be a bit stronger with bigger shoulders while ladies are eager for a flat stomach and bums you could bounce quarters off of.   As a Mom, it evolves to the midsection.  As much core work as you do, you will forever have an altered core from growing beautiful little beings in you.  Even for those who train for hours, your body does change and it is part of nature.  It shouldn't be fought but embraced.

A few years back when teaching Baby Boot Camp, some of the boot campers were complaining about their cores and not being what they were pre-pregnancy.  I will never forget stopping them mid-run with a serious teaching voice and explaining how as a female one of the biggest jobs nobody tells you about is retraining your body how to work post childbirth.  But as you retrain, you will most likely be stronger than you were before kids and will be able to physically handle more than pre-children. A few of the ladies continued verbalizing their frustrations and said we, the instructors, didn't know what it was like since we were in shape.  At that, 2 other instructors and myself lifted our workout tanks and showed the gals our stomachs.  While all were strong and toned, we also had a bit of skin shift at the belly button or lower abdomen from c-sections.  Even with strong solid stomachs, we all did have children and embraced our bodies for doing so.  We also tried to not focus on it, but focus on how many push ups we could do, how fast we could run, how high we could jump, or how our weeks' were better for exercising together.

Last week we were getting ready to swim and Makenzie made a comment about being fat in a swimsuit. My jaw dropped to the ground and immediately we discussed how beautiful her strong body was. She said it not with worry, but in a matter of fact manner.  Emerson was standing beside me and said loudly, "Makenzie you are not fat! You are strong and can swim like a mermaid". Proud Mama moment to hear Emerson talk, but mixed moment to hear Makenzie's words.  I asked where the comment came from and she said that at school some of the girls were talking about their bodies and since they said they felt fat, she did too.  So there we were, my two beautiful girls and myself in our bikinis, having a body image talk.  I told Makenzie that girls hear things about their bodies and shouldn't worry about it, but be so happy for strong bodies that can work incredibly!  Her body has gone through more than many do in a lifetime and is so stellar in all it has done and will continue to do.  We talked about all the dynamic things our bodies can do and how it doesn't matter how we look, but how we feel and to always be active and have fun with what bodies we were given.  I poked fun at myself for being short, but able to walk under tree branches without ducking. We pointed out our freckles, different eye colors and cool scars.  Then we walked to the pool standing tall and cannon balled into the water holding hands.

proud to be STRONG

I know I can't protect my daughters from external images and what the media presents regarding women and their bodies. But I can try my hardest, as can you, to encourage self acceptance and pride in the great bodies they(and all others) have been given.  There are not enough minutes in the day to spend worrying about not fitting into a specific model standard. Instead use what would be worry minutes to be physical and get the endorphin rush.  It is much more rewarding than 30 minutes spent contemplating one's boob or booty size.

Grab your bikini, your smile and head to the pool proudly.  You have an incredible body and now is your time to make it shine!!!!

Carolyn

11.25.10 is photo- Thanksgiving morning, Ryan and Makenzie pole
surfing down the 4th floor hallway

When at UCSF, Makenzie met a little boy named Ryan. He is adorable with the most berry filled little lips and twinkled when he saw Makenzie. We first got to be friends our first stay at UCSF and Ryan and Makenzie would pole surf down the hallways. Makenzie embraced a nurturing side around Ryan, almost as if she could help him out it would help her out too. Some days she was obsessed with seeing Ryan, but he made her smile, laugh and able to out pour her big sister role since Emerson was at home.

Ryan has intense pancreatic issues too, but he is only 22 months. Like Makenzie, the doctors don't have answers and Ryan is making them work at the hard earned degrees and accolades they received in Med School. Ryan's Mom, Carolyn, and I became fast friends. I don't know if it was because we noticed an old soul friend in one another from the beginning, or that we looked at each other for a sounding board that truly understood the pain and nerves of having a child with rare pancreatic issues. Regardless, Carolyn's kindness and compassion helped pull me through many tests and long hospital days. We tried to laugh at the reality of "living" at UCSF with one child, when we were Mom to others. We also shed many tears in the hallways and our rooms about the unknowns that our children faced. A friendship formed that is a blessing in a horrible situation.

Today I think about Carolyn a lot. Ryan is having surgery to remove the remaining 3% of his pancreas. While waiting in PICU for Ryan, there is a family saying good bye to their almost 5 year old daughter. It is heartbreaking and incredibly challenging to witness as you await good news for your own child. Thus, my mind has been racing to prayers of kindness, love and the feelings of hands on Carolyn's incredible back. Hands to support her to stand up as she feels ready to crumble. Hands to move her forwards the next days in PICU that will be challenging and intense. Hands to help her as she uses her hands to calm, cuddle and take care of sweet Ryan as he heals.

Running Through Pain

Something that has hit me again and again when out running is how I couldn't take Makenzie'e pain away. As a parent, all you want to do is take away your child's pain, and pass it into you. You don't want to see them in pain, hear how they ache, see them wince at needles or close their eyes because they can't fathom what's next. You want to say "It will be ok, I promise", when you have no idea if that is true, so you don't. As Makenzie was in the hospital the past few months, I was brought to the realization that as much as I would run, it could help and heal me, but never help her the same way.

I have run through ALL of my life's challenges. When a sophomore in high school, I was struggling with an eating disorder I had been battling for 2 years and really was "beating" it. How I found strength and courage to do so was to run...I felt better and stronger after each run. I found that when my legs hit the pavement, a feeling overcame me that even if life was challenging, for those moments on the pavement or trails it would all be ok. Through my own experiences with an eating disorder and running, I realized I wanted to help women and girls with their self esteem through athletics. Hence, me choosing to study in Kinesiology. Then, in my own major that I loved so much, I was date raped my 4th year by a classmate in my department...so I really learned how to run far, long, and faster than I did throughout all my college years on Triathlon team. I healed through each run, stayed in school and finished my degree. There were many days I felt I needed to change schools from the school I loved so much...but I never did and kept on growing stronger each month.

During these times there were very close family friends who died unexpectedly. When all were mourning, I ran to heal. I hit the trails, did my favorite 6 mile loop in Alameda many times through, and came home with energy and open arms for hugging family tighter. When Jack and I miscarried at 15 weeks right after 2002 Thanksgiving break, my heart was so heavy. The next day, Jack handed me my running shoes when he was already laced up and we hit our favorite trail in Portland's Forest Park. I remember the day and run vividly. My Mom flew up to help and I can picture her face expression with a knowing Mom glance, and my husband's face with the pained look of not being able to help either of us but ALL of us understanding the best way to help heal was to run. When Emerson was sick at 7-9 weeks with RSV/Pneumonia/Pertusis, I couldn't leave the hospital ever but for quick bouts to be with Makenzie when family was with Emerson. I feared if I was gone for 30 minutes to run something would happen and we would lose her. But Jack knew me better and at day 8 of her hospital stay sent me home to hit the running trails. Even when Jack was laid off last year and we were trying to figure out what to do with no jobs on the horizon we decided to move back to California on a rainy and muddy run in Forest Park. It was saddening and heartbreaking to leave our trails knowing we had just decided to move back "home", but felt right since we made the tough decision with clear heads running. He has known me so well, knowing I have to run to heal-breath- get courage- strength- hope-feel invigorated-know joy-love- be inspired to get stronger and heal inside. I always have felt that way after ...running has been my best tool to help make life more digestible and understandable.

When Makenzie got sick, I have felt so much more unexpected pain than I wanted to. While I could feel better after running, I couldn't take away HER PAIN! My running wasn't able to help her the same way it could help me. I couldn't finish a run returning to the hospital and heal HER the same way I could work at healing me. I knew the entire time that in order for me to be the best Mom possible for Makenzie and Emerson my runs were as vital as eating nourishing food and drinking water. But with each run and watching Makenzie's body attempting to make miracles happen, I felt discouraged that I couldn't transfer her pain to me so I could run it out. I wasn't able to rub her back knowing that each touch equated peace and knowing all would be ok for Makenzie. But what I could do was run and come home with an inner strength to converse with the doctors, nurses, and many specialists with a clearer mind than when I left the hospital doors. From UCSF I could run to Ocean Beach and bring back shells to share with Makenzie, watching joy in her eyes as we would then imagine being in Hawaii. For those few moments she could mentally escape with me to be on a "beach in Hawaii looking for shells" as her body was fighting an infection within a huge pseudocyst. While I couldn't take her pain away from her body, I could help her run with me to new places allowing her to thrive.

Again, as a parent, you just want to take away your child's pain whatever the pain may be. But if you can't take it away, the next best thing is to take away your own the way you know how to heal and be a stronger and more supportive outlet for them. That is the best I could do, and know that if I was able to find positives and strength in each run Makenzie would feel it and know being positive and strong is the only option.