Reaching for words

As I shared last week, I took a risk. I put my words out there and entered the writing contest for Children's Hospital Oakland. It is a place we grew to know very well, and I am forever indebted since they brought Makenzie back to life. Literally. Watching her fight and have no choice but take risks daily gave me a greater sense of determination and fight myself.  I've always been a risk taker; but this last year I've taken some risks inspired by Makenzie and Emerson that were intense, nervewracking, and heart palpating. I did them without any idea what the outcome would be. 

Today, I found out I am not a semi-finalist for the essay contest out of the 220 entrants. While bummed, it was an eye opening experience.  I realized I truly want to work harder at writing and reach for more words to help connect myself with others.  The essay I went with was a variation of my previous blog post about marriage and challenges.  Since it was so hard to write, I felt it was a better choice.  It pulled a layer of honesty back to share with the world.  I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading it, and thanks for sharing this last risk taking adventure with me.

With much love-
Erin

LOVE….

Love is the foundation of why two people get married. With love anything is possible, right?  Actually, it is with the love, communication and an understanding that you won't always see things the same way.  Throughout 8.5 years of marriage, through every challenge, Jack and I worked together as a team.  We’ve bounced ideas and attempted to jump through the unexpected hoops together. We’ve dealt with job loss, death, miscarriage, post partum depression, relocation, and both children facing life-threatening hospitalizations. When either of us had a struggle, we'd attempt to find a solution that works.  But herein lies the challenge; the challenge that’s been the biggest challenge this past “post hospital” year for me.  That is that people cope with horrible stressors much differently, and how they cope can affect you. BUT you CAN’T fault them. Damn, you surely want to, but you can’t fault them for how they grieve. Especially if it is not the same way you do.

How one copes is how they manage to breathe.  We’ve had weeks throughout the year that came and went with neither of us communicating effectively.  Avoidance, irritation and resentment built up. That led to long solo runs for me, and staying at work past midnight for Jack.  Our listening skills with each other broke as a default of coping with the exhaustion, intensity and digestion of all that happened. It was overwhelming. Once home with both of our daughters in their beds, we had time to talk about what happened....but it was too challenging to talk.  Jack doesn't want to talk about “what if's”.  While I don't either, I needed to feel a game plan for the "what if's" because Makenzie only has 1/3 of her pancreas left.  I need to know if hospitalization happens again, we can communicate to support each other better.  The hurt and anger of times when we needed to communicate best, but were communicating at our worst, haunted me.  You can't change what words you've shared and the splinters they’ve created in your soul, but you can learn and evolve from them.

Makenzie was hospitalized with Acute Pancreatitis and multi-organ failure at 6.5 years old. Upon being admitted, one ER nurse whom I am forever indebted, looked me square in the eye and said, “Your daughter is very, very sick.  I don’t know what is going on but it’s not good and it’s going to be a long journey. You are strong and must use all your might to just love her.”  Powerful words. They described her 3 month journey in 1 minute. Any percentage, relating to a medical condition, Makenzie would defy, and not always in the right direction. However this did start with her beginning too, since she was the 2% of babies born to Moms on the birth control pill.  For some reason, she’s been ready to prove her strength and headstrong ways since the beginning.

The heaviness of hard conversations and feelings of not being heard are heartbreaking.  When you experience tragic times with someone, only the two of you can relate about those moments. While you don't want anyone to understand, it would almost be healing if there were someone else who could.  The pressures mount, especially while trying to "keep calm and carry on" for your children. And even harder...nobody talks about it.  Nobody who is married truly talks about the challenges of communication, and the hard work that goes into a marriage and partnership. Why not? I’m not saying air all components of intimate spousal fights, but if we feel the need to talk about some elements and ask for advice, why aren't we? Why do people feel they can only show their Facebook image...meaning they only share the most gorgeous moments of their marriages.

Is that honest or real?  I remember when writing on Caring Bridge I wanted to discuss how hard it was …but every third person expressed concern about the divorce rate amongst couples with sick children. I wanted to share the on-going real life elements.  The arguments in the ICU, stress releasing runs that turned into fights over hospital bills, family conflicts about what was shared online and who was able to spend time with our younger daughter, Emerson. The conversations regarding, "What if surgeries don't work and she doesn't make it?". That is REAL and part of a marriage and children.  While horrifically tough, it’s the process of going through challenges together. 

You love the other person so much you power through the crappy times to endure the BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS ones! You power through moments of loneliness and those of screaming bloody loud that can happen when you cope differently. You do because you know in the end that you'll be part of the winning percentage by enduring and staying together.

What are YOU waiting for?

Today is the day...Double knee surgery in two hours.  It is interesting because I am a bit nervous of course, but I am actually more calm about taking this challenge head on.  Why, you might think? Because I look at my daughters and how they have just taken every challenge that way and moved forward with incredible spirit. I wanted to pass on courage and confidence in them, and I feel when watching them that I have. Maybe a bit to much sometimes! I tease, but when listening this past weekend to the great comments of confidence with Makenzie saying while riding her new Christmas bike, "I am REALLY good on my bike, watch!".  Followed with Emerson ready to shake a rug at the Union Square ice rink, "Mom, the disco ball is my spotlight I think it's time to DANCE!".

Birthday trail run celebrating 36- 8 miles of FUN

Who doesn't jump for joy when running with awesome Meredith??

This past month my goals were to be active as I possibly can as if I was in racing mode, and take on all the time to USE my body as much as possible.  I don't know what the outcome will be after the surgery, but as Jack always says, "The negative is not an option. It WILL be better, you have to believe".  So I had long runs in San Francisco covering the Coit Tower stairs, Lombard Street, and Hyde Street hill pushing myself to go faster. I did the Turkey Trot and placed 1st in my age group and 3rd overall in a comfortable 6:55 10K pace. I made myself swim a lot on days I wanted to be a wimp because of the chill repeating the mantra, "If Dara Torres can win at 44 years old, you can get your ars in the water and move it!".  I wanted to keep pushing and see what can be done on a body so close to surgery. 

Makenzie loved skating and was trying hard...isn't she beautiful and brave?

Not the best picture but the best day! 12.17.11

Bike ride down Christmas Tree Lane- Perfect!!

This past weekend to celebrate my birthday was phenomenally fun and active to the last minute.  On Friday I taught my last Power Fitness PDX class for a while then kicked my ars spinning and lifting. I rode pulling Emerson all over Alameda singing loudly, and smiled at how great if felt to move and use my body. On Saturday Meredith and I met for our birthday run and it was gorgeous! We got in 8 miles of trails and laughs, joyful to use our bodies to push and our abs to laugh. When running we planned going to Worlds for Triathlon together.  I made some more videos for PFPDX on the trails...a year ago I might have held back and been a bit embarrassed. Saturday I thought who cares and we did them with runners swinging by thinking"WTH". We ice skated with the girls Saturday afternoon and got to teach them to push and glide, falling all over while enjoying the holiday spirit with family. Beyond grateful for my parents who taught us to have FUN each birthday and believe in ourselves...thus we were believing and celebrating with everyone! 

Mom and Dad are the BEST!!!

We got to Fugly Sweater party it up with friends, working our abs again laughing so hard.  Sunday Jack and I ran along the Marina in San Francisco planning our homes to buy when we're multimillionaires. Running  with Jack is always fun since he is competitive, even me with a little birthday hangover. I finished Sunday with blasting through an intense "Last Chance Workout"  that kicked my ars.  The feeling of sweat dripping down my back is what I needed since I know I won't be able to do that for a while. But the best was we went for a night bike ride with the girls to Christmas Tree Lane. We finished the weekend embracing all the joy of the holidays and I got to focus on moving my body.

Can Emerson be any more wonderful?? LOVE!

As I type Emerson woke up and said "Mama are you writing a story, what is it about?".  I told her it was called What are YOU waiting for? and she responded, "Mama you just have to always do it. You have to play and run a lot while you wait."  Emerson is a wise girl, very wise girl. I feel that I am ok, my knees have been incredibly kind to me thus far.  This next chapter is going to be tricky, yes, but it is a new challenge to see what else can be done.   

My goal is to qualify for Triathlon Worlds which I know WILL happen in the next 18 months.  I am not waiting, I am doing, and will make it happen.  So, what are YOU waiting for? Figure it out and go for it!!

Much love and many hugs to you as YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN! 

12.16.11...last day...

Today was my last day teaching Power Fitness PDX until February 2012...double knee surgery is on Monday. 3 days until life will be altered on this teeter totter and I will be off balance in every sense of the phrase.

Teaching Power Fitness PDX and owning my own business has given me a sense of focus, discipline, support, enthusiasm, spirit, appreciation of my own community, and appreciation of the strengths I possess and can share with others. While there have been many days this last year that I have woken up in the middle of the night with nerves about Makenzie and her health and future, Emerson's growth and her quality time with us, my marriage and how challenging having a sick child/job loss/relocation/coping with it all is very different and straining and how I just want to be present and LIVE LOUDLY(vibrantly and embracing each bit of fun and joy) and CONFIDENTLY...has to be put aside so I can support the incredible men and women who come to PFPDX.

Training the TEAM has given me a gift of focus and reason to put on my work and motivational hat. To put aside my own concerns while I help them get stronger and reach their goals. I am beyond eternally grateful.  Without realizing it, many of them have given me back the sense of normalcy I had been craving with every ounce of my being after having a hospitalized child post relocating and starting over.

Now that I taught my last class for 6 weeks I have to focus on embarking on another challenge...double knee surgery.  It is more uncertainty, but the definite I know is I look forward to February when I can put my own fears and challenges aside by starting my days  training Power Fitness PDXers.

I look forward to embracing these challenges of not teaching by using my time rehabbing so I can become stronger. To become more knowledgeable and a greater pillar of coaching to help them surpass all their goals.  The TEAM helped me so very much this year...and honestly I made it to this point more focused than ever before. I can only hope to continue and help them to this same level too...

Day 4 of Aloha Challenge

I have decided to do a fun Challenge this month. Why - just because I want to feel the ease of Hawaii, yet the inner physical and mental challenges I know I can accomplish.  I wrote a blog about it on one of my business websites PowerofyouFitness.blogspot.com 

So far, I have been doing good!  It is interesting because when running on Friday I was a bit anxious, but also not letting the stress truly bother me like I have in similar situations months before.  I was training earlier on my road bike in a great zone and pace... and my back tire fell off.  Grrr...I checked the chain rings, the gears and the bike trailer attachment. Then a nice guy, John, rode up on his electric bike. He looked straight out of Portlandia- boombox attached to his bike playing some Grateful Dead, long gray beard, and uber chill voice.  He got down to help me, was generously kind and as I rode off with a working bike again he yelled, "Keep the biking real Erin!".  We bonded and I wouldn't have met him if my bike didn't breakdown.  I rode my bike to Lucy where I teach a 12:15 boot camp, switched training gears and got a 5 mile run in before I taught class. As I attempted to push my legs I couldn't. "Come on now Erin, you can go faster" I repeated to myself.  A bit of anxiousness started a bit wanting to make sure I got a quality run in.  Then I decided to just roll with where my body wants to be right now.  And I did and gradually loosened up to push it on my returning 2 miles.

While I was running thought, "What do I do?! I have Pacific Grove Tri on September 10th and need a working bike".  Hmmm.....joys of wonderful Alameda Businesses I called Gene of Alameda Bicycles when I got back. Played phone tag and he ended up leaving a message that I could rent his wife's bike for a few weeks and could pick it up over the weekend! Sweet- this can work out and I can still race!  On Sunday I picked up the bike, it fits great and is a smooth ride....no stress, nice components and I am ready to push it on the bike.  Plus I get to see what I really want to get on my new bike that I am ordering next month by riding vs. just looking through in the catalog. So cool!

Anxiousness and being able to step back and just "breath" is part of my Challenge.  I realized that a reason for this is my own focus on taking advantage of every minute of time.  We lost a lot of "time" last Fall with Makenzie and Emerson. Time for them to feel "normal" (whatever that is!), time together as a family, time for me as a business person and athlete, and time to just be stress free.  While I know we can never make up that time, some days I feel if I haven't gotten 1:1 quality time with my daughters and Jack, all of my to-do's done and tackled all my goals, I haven't used my time well. Is that right to feel that pressure- nope! Is that fair- not really to myself.  But when I realized the significance it made sense.  Being aware of when time flies and things don't get done, it doesn't mean the time is wasted and that's ok. If it is a task that can be done tomorrow, the day isn't ruined or a bust.  Be realistic with goals and checking things off. 

When doing this Challenge, it is for me to make me feel good about how I use my own time, not as if I am lacking focus. Does that make sense? I feel like I am pretty good about using time and aware of living in the moment yet I also have high expectations for myself.  I am sure you have felt that at times too, and maybe it's more relevant to us since we've experienced moments when time has stood still and you are scared for it to move forward. Who knows! But I know that the Aloha feeling, the feeling of chillaxin' like the Grateful Dead when my bike broke down, combined with the feeling of physically pushing my athletic limits is what makes me feel good.

Bike that made me smile...San Francisco is "under" the shifter ;)

Right now, Jack has the girls on an adventure at the Zoo, I finished some work goals for the day and now am about to ride on (thanks to Gene).  I am using time in the best way and relishing the bumps along the road...literally and emotionally.

Living to JUST GO FOR IT!!

Part of being home and embarking on life post almost losing your child is you realize you have to just GO FOR IT!  You really do; no questions, no hesitations, but to just live life fully and try everything.  We have always encouraged our daughters to do that, and while it is nerve-wracking at times, it is also freeing to know that we all genuinely hold the potential to do any and everything.  When you don't over think and do, your life feels 10 pounds lighter. 

This past week, I have just DONE. I took some risks, had so much fun and packed a lot of new adventures into one week.  You know what.... it felt great!  It felt liberating! I was LAUGHING a lot with every new adventure. One of the biggest ones was entering a contest to become the new Real Model Cover Model for Fitness Magazine.  I entered last Friday night, February 18th, not knowing what I was getting into. I was nervous to press send on my photo and essay, but I figured what do I have to lose! Why not, life is to short, right? We know that so very well with our miracle daughters, so I thought I should just do it.  I am not 5'10 and big chested, but 5'1 with a small chest, strong legs and can run for miles.  I was nervous about putting a swimsuit photo up with the girls, because it's not a women flexing in a bikini with make up like the others, but it is REAL and me! 

Now I am in the Top 10 in the Country and have been all week! Currently I am #6 and in 36 hours we find out who wins.  Friends and family have been very supportive and sharing the link and my story with everyone.  At first I was uncomfortable saying what I did, and then I stepped back and thought who the heck cares!  Let's see what happens and I will tell all my family and friends to VOTE!!

So please take a minute to vote- it is very fast.  10 seconds at most!  You vote, submit, answer the question, submit the vote, and share the link. Press like on the FB button, and voila vote is done!

VOTE HERE- THE LINK-  
 

Makenzie and Emerson are getting excited and while Jack doesn't like the voting process (the technical element) he is supportive too.  From something on a whim, is now something of a chance and means a lot.  

Why I decided to do this some friends have asked--- The story
I have never been one to not try something because of nerves, hence jumping off high rocks in Waimea Bay in Hawaii, or the high dive at age 5 giving my Mom a heart attack.  But I do have natural hesitations and nerves that pop through.  While I know it is normal, I also know that they need to be thrown out the window because each moment is a new opportunity to live fuller and more vibrantly. 

When in Portland, I did tv segments with Better TV.  I loved it and had fun, and while there were natural body image concerns with being on tv, I felt confident that I was a real Mom and Trainer who didn't have a boob job and had strong legs.  It was fun to do TV, and I had met with producers about potentially making some Fitness DVD's.  But it came to financing, and then some of my nerves got the best of me. When pregnant with Emerson, I thought I would get right back to that goal after she was born. I had connections, my mom-students in Baby Boot Camp and Power Outdoor Fitness asking me to make them, and was comfortable with a microphone.  But...I got pneumonia when 6 weeks postnatal, Emerson got pneumonia-pertusis-RSV at 7 weeks old, and my Dad was with an unexpected heart condition.

I had the rug pulled from under me and suddenly I didn't have any energy left to focus on my own goals of television or growing my fitness business personality.  I tried to juggle Emerson's needs, 4 year old Makenzie, and owning two fitness businesses while being a full time Mom.  Anxiousness set in and my juggling wasn't working. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, it's what I helped train women to prevent in Baby Boot Camp.  Yet I couldn't fight nature and had to face it. I did, through exercise, therapy and hard work.  I decided to sell one of my businesses and cut back on work.

One year later, Fall of 2009, I was ready again to make my mark!  I sold my Baby Boot Camp business, owned Power Outdoor Fitness and Power Fitness PDX, and was trying to garner my schedule to work best with the girls.  Makenzie was in Kindergarten, Emerson was having fun, I was trying to be at peace ...but with the economy Jack's job wasn't going well as a Recruiter and he got laid off without severance or benefits.  I thought, "Oh no, wait, how could this be we were at a great place!".  Yet again, rug pulled out, I jumped over the dust bunnies that remained and made sure to start over again full force in a new city and new state.  So after no jobs in the Portland area, we moved to California in the New Year. The seed to just GO FOR IT was still planted away, and I knew my time would come to have fun on camera in the Bay Area.  I needed to get settled first in life. To find a house, have the girls comfortable and meeting people, support Jack in his new job, start my business again, and attempt to feel situated in our new, but my old, city.  Yet, I knew it would work! I did, I knew I could gradually get there again to put myself out there for maybe local fitness pieces, etc. Come Summer, we were there! Life was grand, we were flourishing as a whole and I was ready to focus on my business goals.

Then BOOM, like a mac truck we were hit the blow of Makenzie getting so sick and almost dying. The doctors had no idea what was going on, and within hours of being in the hospital we didn't know if Makenzie would make it, what was going on with her, why or how long it would be.  Life stopped and while others were moving on in the world outside Children's Hospital and UCSF experiencing Fall and Winter, we were going day -to -day trying to cope and live.  I dropped everything to be there for Makenzie and make sure to be her Mom, nurse, friend, supporter, advocate, and nurturer.  I also tried to nurture Emerson and Jack in the same.  And...we did it!  We all survived and made it through. Not unscarred mentally and Makenzie physically, but we did it and learned so much about the human spirit, community, blessings and the true will to live fully!!!

We have been on a gradual climb back to normalcy and back to feeling good!!!  Makenzie is settled in school again, doing incredible (Read her latest Caring Bridge Update), and getting stronger each day!  Emerson is LOVING preschool in Tiny Tots, flourishing in being 3 with ALL of us at home.  Jack has been able to submerge himself to his job and likes his new company more than he realized. He is even starting a new 5013c!  So...as I am maintaining my sense of balance in juggling all of this, trying to digest everything, I realized it is my time to just GO FOR IT AGAIN! 

Thus, I entered the contest which for me took some courage, but it was so very freeing and exciting!  I didn't even think at first of the potential opportunities that can evolve from this for my family, my business and personal goals, other women to be exposed to some of my own experiences that may give a sense of guidance and hope, and a real means to overcome and do the Fitness DVD. 

In one week, I entered the Fitness Magazine Cover Model contest (eek!), did a pole dancing class with my dear college bestie Bo, played with our loving dear friends Erin & Dylan, went to the PRINCE concert college Bestie Erika, did open gym gymnastics class last night with the Power Fitness PDX ladies, and today subbed Baby Boot Camp Oakland. How much I have missed just playing and having fun with my girlfriends too!!! It has been a week of balancing, while taking care of me too and making my own goals of FUN with FRIENDS and living fully happen!  My Power Fitness PDX goals are getting accomplished too faster than I thought with relaunching in January. Had an incredible meeting with Lucy on Tuesday, which had me leave smiling.  I worked with them in Portland, and now, a new working relationship that is mutually beneficial.   It is incredible and while my families life is getting balance, my own life is getting some balance too!  It is dynamic and fun and while I am waiting for a little rug to potentially be pulled from under us again, I'll just keep GOING FOR IT like my daughters have taught me.

Starting Over

*Bug & Monkey climbing out of the play tunnel for NEW adventures-1.1.11!!

On Friday, December 31st, I worked out with a dear friend, M, who also moved back to the Bay Area in 2010. She is newly divorced and a single Mom to 2 adorable kids. During the past year, M and I have grown even closer with the changes that brought us back to the Bay Area and our "childhood homes". Literally. M and I actually raced against each other in college and became fast friends when we both owned Baby Boot Camp Franchises. Oddly enough, last year at this time M and I were discussing how starting over was scary, overwhelming, exciting and fun. She is now happily dating a wonderful guy, cycling tons, training for great races and making each moment with her kids count. Then we discussed how here we were, the end of 2010, and life in essence was starting over for Makenzie and my family again. Truly, starting over...but with a jump start compared to last year.

After working out we were running back from the Club and Makenzie was talking about all the things happening in 2011. She was excitedly talking about school, Daisy Girl Scouts, Ballet, McCafferty Family Reunion in the Poconos, Hawaii trip with Kreitz fam, swimming daily again, and starting school all over. When returning to school in January, it usually is a time after "vacation". But now it will be two Januaries that Makenzie has started over...and she verbalized that. She goes to school tomorrow and is starting all over again. While she has been doing homework, keeping up on reading, and being as active as her body allows, she was only in her first grade class for 3 weeks before she got sick. She is nervous about how much energy she will have, if she can keep up on activities, if all the kids will pay attention to her and ask what happened, and how her friends will be. She doesn't want to stand out since whenever we go anywhere we are running into friends who are kindly asking about Makenzie. Rightly so. She was in the hospital and made it out after a battle that has lasted more than three months...and still isnt' complete. She's worried she looks different now, but then also isn't worried at all and just wants to play and be NORMAL. Her reality of life has been so altered that she IS starting over a new kid. She is NEW in different ways that have actually changed her to being OLD. She is now an old soul in ways I can't count.

So this year we are all starting over again. 2011 brings us a new year of opportunity and adventure. When looking back at how we started over in a new state last year, new school, new life in Alameda, we did so and made an adventure out of it. This year proves no different. It is a new adventure in First grade for Makenzie, one she will conquer with gusto. It is a new adventure for Emerson who starts Tiny Tots on Tuesday, and is now officially in preschool. Both girls start ballet this week which is a new adventure too! It is a NEW adventure for me as I am starting over a different Mom, woman, wife, business owner and personal trainer. I have to re-launch my business and as a trainer, I feel much stronger in working the schedule around my family, around my own athletic goals and evolving my business goals. Jack is figuring out his next goal for his career and growth at Corinthian, since he got promoted while Makenzie was in the hospital. Now he can settle and allow himself to grow and evolve without the stress of a hospitalized sick child.

The phrase "new Normal" has been used to us many times to describe our "new life"...but I look at this as a new adventure for what the year brings. We handled the challenges as a solid family unit that didn't crack in 2010, and this year we are ready to start over and LIVE each goal. Tomorrow we start over as we embark on 2011 newer and stronger than we were before...bring it on...