Summer time, and the living is easy

There are 8 more weekdays of Summer Vacation for the Shirey Family.  To say that is has flown by is an understatement.  Summer feels like Christmas Day to me. There are so many plans, so much excitement and build up and then poof! Summer is almost over and you still have things you didn't do...but so much that you did.

This Summer I chose not to stress.  Yes there are times when I did over logistics with work, and not having set childcare, but I chose to step back and not worry about what didn't get done come the beginning of the School year.  As a family, it was to be a fun easy Summer. No rush to get anywhere, and no exhaustion from being away from home every weekend, verses sleeping in and enjoying wonderful days in the Bay Area.  I see that happening everywhere, when kids are booked every day throughout Summer that they didn't get lazy mornings to sleep in and wear PJ's on bicycles.  Mind you, I know it is work logistics for many families, but even a week of staycation can give you that easy Summer vibe.

1,2,3 jump! 

We did it though. Each girl had a few special weeks of camp they adored.  They sang songs, learned archery, did ballet, made new friends, and developed mentorships with new favorite camp counselors. They both rode their bikes daily, developing strong muscles in their legs and confidence in their skill. They stayed in pajamas 'till noon, somedays wearing them to play all day.  They felt relaxed and I felt lighter.

We created and Adventure Box and in it we all got to add what we wanted to do. From Stand Up Paddleboarding, Monterey Bay Aquarium, bike riding to San Francisco, Trail Running dates, see Brave, road trip to Portland, Tahoe, and much more.  Each week we would pick from the box and add it to the calendar.  Thus, at Summer's end, every adventure we wanted to conquer was brought to fruition.  We always look forward to finishing with our cherished trip to Portland and Seattle, finishing the trip at the Oregon Coast with Hood to Coast. The best way to make the last moments of Summer linger on.

Norah and Emerson at Tenderfoot Camp

Camp Kids- Makenzie, Cami, Romey

Emerson riding strong

Even if I love Summer, right and left I hear Moms saying they can't wait for school to start so they can have their days back.  Honestly, I am the opposite(mostly).  I am relishing the days with the girls.  I want each Summer day to extend by a few hours for more time on our bikes, more time doing underwater tea parties, more time racing across the pool, more time just "being".  I know that my own Summer Time with them is getting shorter and shorter, as they get older and older.  They're gradually going to have more desires to be with their friends, verses hanging with their Mom doing CannonBalls at the pool.  I don't want to face that reality so I hold on. I have put aside many work projects and feel "ok" with it. I allowed myself to be ok with not completing my entire Summer "To Do" list, since I was  honoring my Mom "To Do" list.

Makenzie riding strong- Bridge is up!

I let myself "be" with both girls.  I have the images imprinted in my mind of their smiles, Lego castles, Barbie scenarios, strong running bodies, bubble butts in swimsuits, tan lines, swimmer's bleached out hair, ice cream faces, sleeping heads on my chest and hands intertwined with mine as we walked everywhere.  I will catch up when school starts, cram in my own work, and be fine with the Summer days of past. I hope you enjoyed Summer as much as I did, and have images etched in your mind that make you appreciate simply "being" as the season changes again all to soon.

Crack, WAKE UP!

Last week an article started floating around the web from The Atlantic, titled Why Women Can't Have it All. It is fantastic, and I encourage all Moms and Dads to read it.  There is an incredible amount of pressure on women to do it “all”.  As I heard one person respond, “It is almost as if our Moms worked so hard to give us incredible opportunities, but now we are supposed to do them all perfectly.” According to "whom", are we to do them perfectly? Is it a huge pressure we put on ourselves to be "all" to everyone and in everything we do.  And women are tough on each other at times without even realizing it.  There is an insane amount of guilt and the teeter totter affect when juggling work and family that is unending.  I feel it is our job as humans to live richly, and own what we are doing and the choices we make, for ourselves and our families.

Interestingly enough as I feel I need to own my choices, I have been trying to step back the past couple years and feel good with not being "all" to every aspect of my life.  When having to relocate and start over, redefine your role in a community, in your own business, and as a Mom and wife, you have an opportunity to decide what to shift.  After Makenzie was sick and I started back to teaching full force in January 2011, I redefined my balance.  As Makenzie embarked on her first full year in school in 2nd grade, there was a huge part of me that felt I should  do every activity possible since she had missed so much of 1st grade.  I signed up to be co-Room Mom, Art Docent, lead Walk -A-Thon Warm Ups, volunteer at every class event I could and able to participate as much as I could in her school.  And guess what...that juggling with my business, especially before and after the surgeries this past December, made me reassess why I felt I needed to make everything happen at once.

Picture of my Family in Balance

In February, after the double knee surgery, I was forced to redefine who I am as a Personal Trainer and business owner. I had to decide what goals I can manifest into reality with hard work and which had to be put on hold for the present time. I had to retrain how I teach, how I train others, and what I could and couldn't do.  It has been hard because some of the goals I put on hold with relocating in 2010 and Makenzie being sick, I've been eager and excited to put into fruition.  In addition to owning Power Fitness PDX and teaching boot camps and fitness workshops, I used to do fitness segments for Better TV, had a couple fitness columns in magazines, wrote fitness and parenting/juggle pieces, led workshops, and was immersed in a big business community.  In 2010, As I was ready to start some of those goals locally when we had felt established in Alameda post relocation, my parenting hat was put on tight for 4 months and emergency mode in effect.  After Bug was home from UCSF and we evolved last year, a part of me wanted to prove I could make the professional and athletic goals happen immediately, to feel that my own needs were being met, and life was in balance.  Fast forward 18 months and I had ingrained in my head that after the surgery, I would do my Physical Therapy and be able to get started on making ALL the elements of my old life happen again. It was a feeling to prove I could do it all, to myself, and to those who knew me in my previous life in Portland and new life in Alameda.  Unknowingly, I felt I had to prove to myself I could create better balance financially with limited work time, and lots of play time with my kids. In other words, cram everything into the limited childcare time, and then I could be fully present as Mom, and also fully present as a trainer.

Guess what? I wasn't in balance as much as I thought I was. I realized the balance I needed at the time was to step back to redefine what I could and couldn't commit to.  With owning your own business and creating goals, it means if you can't commit to some of the goals, you can't commit to yourself.  It can envelope a feeling of defeat.... But it can also be a gift to feel you can have a rebirth in redefining what you are and what you want from work/life balance at any time. Guess what? We all can at any time, regardless of profession, redefine what we are, what we want from work/life balance.

One big 2011-2012 goal was to have both Makenzie and Emerson have an uber normal school year, no medical hiccups or moves, and have our life FEEL good. Overall that goal came to fruition.  While some of my work goals have been put on hold, a significant personal goal was accomplished.  That feels GOOD. During the work week, I have also created a balance that I won't trade for the world. It is one that evolves but the past year, Tuesdays and Thursdays have been solely days with Emerson(and Makenzie when she is on school holidays) to play and do whatever she wants. Venture to Farmer's Market, play at Washington "Fish" Park for hours, visit the pool to be mermaids, create sand castles at the beach or enjoy pancakes and stay in jammies until lunchtime.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I won't do work events during the day, nor will I slip away to the computer unless it is during or after E's quiet time or sports classes. That feels good and is a shift compared to my life a few years back.  I tried to keep Tuesdays and Thursdays open when Makenzie was 4years old, but work would creep in.  There was a distinct feeling of guilt that I wasn't being a good business owner for every email I didn't respond to within 2 hours.  Today, I am fine knowing I can get back to the non-time sensitive emails the following day, since I am enjoying timeless moments with my daughters. I also have realized it is ok, I am not being a neglectful Mom, if I need to add more childcare hours to the week if we feel it will help our family balance. 

Mind you, I have chosen this too.  I could be making more money, live in a bigger house, and drive a nicer car.  I could present at more health and fitness conferences expanding my credibility in the industry, in addition to writing more paid articles. But opportunities will always be there to embark on. Emerson at age 4.5 years and Makenzie at age 8.25 years will not always be there.  My experience with their health issues and how unexpected life is has evolved who I am, and how I am willing to work, as a Mom and Business Owner.  While I don't wish the experiences of hospitalized kids upon anyone, I am grateful that from them, I feel more confident with each shift in the work/life/goal balance.

Interestingly enough, we all resort to thoughts sometimes that fool our brains. Such as, "What if I were doing x,y,z with my life? Would the success make me a better woman?". On Sunday, I was thinking about The Atlantic piece while swimming laps and doing backstroke.  My mind started wandering to what huge goals I "need" to complete by the end of 2012 to feel successful.  I created a list of 10 significant work goals, including finishing my book and qualifying for Triathlon Nationals 2013.  In my training mental zone, I wasn't paying attention to the swim flags to count my strokes to the wall.  CRACK.  My head hit the wall with a hard smack.  It was a wake up call!  As if the higher power was saying,  

"Look lady, take it as it comes and don't be overzealous this year.  There is time and it will all happen. One goal at a time does equate success.  Who do you need to prove anything to, but yourself. Remember, you met the goal of a normal school year for your kids, your business is successful, a column in Alameda Magazine has been signed on for the 2012-2013 year, website is being worked on, you placed in your first races back post surgery and your life is good.  It is in balance, even with some wavering of the teeter totter, don't be overzealous."

Jack and I had a discussion regarding this topic Wednesday night.   The element of balance and being a Mom. We covered how men don't have babies or have to put their lives on hold at various times to the same degree women do when having children.  While he can relate to the juggles, he can't understand how out of whack a female can feel and won't ever, since it's not in his DNA. There can be compassion, empathy, support.  But this is not the same as understanding how the juggling can cause guilt, frustration and tension of Mom/Work balance.  Fortunate for me, Jack supports my dreams and goals, as long as they can work symbiotically with our family.  Not rushing around, being frenetic, or having anxiety that things didn't get done at day's end.  His goal, which I am grateful without enough words for (as if that is possible), is to have a work/Mom/married balance allowing me to go to bed feeling each day's tasks got accomplished. 

If we feel good at day's end, our kids are healthy and nourished both emotionally and physically, as are we adults, than a balance is there.  Of course some days and weeks will be off, but that is when you reassess and climb back on the teeter - totter to break even.  Have a number one goal to go to bed at ease, without words.

Feeling without words now...Feels good.

Apple, Lemon, Sunset & Flips

Last week was a do-over. Do you ever have those?  It was actually the month of January, the first month of 2012, where I kept thinking, "I am in the movie Groundhog Day".  The hope is with waking up everything is going to align and the goals for the day will get accomplished.  Or maybe the point I continued to face was, "Will they ever??".

Last week I had to go to Apple in Emeryville...5 times out of 7 days. Yep, no joke, for some reason my sweet MacBook wanted to go play again and again with his "Genius" friends at Apple.  So I let him, hung out at the Apple store and enjoyed some time chillin' in Emeryville.  While browsing through Barnes & Noble waiting for one appointment, I grabbed a stack of magazines including Sunset. Don't you ever peruse the pages in Sunset and envision having 5 different houses with gorgeous interior design, full of walls and angles that make you want to hug them? I do. I truly do, I look and close my eyes, dreaming that I can click my flips and hop into the pages to live in some of the coastal homes. Then I open my eyes and realize I don't, like I did when I was waiting for Apple.

Now with Apple it wasn't just the juggling to go there for hours at a time, but that our sweet little Lemon, aka our VW Pasaat Wagon, was in the shop again. We laugh how we are more used to not having her then we are to having two cars. We know we've paid for two cars, that we should have them parked in front of our house for when we need them, but for some reason little Lemon has enjoyed playing with her peers at German Auto a bit to much.  To the sound of one year of College tuition.  But she just decided to finally come home and is hopefully now fixed this time. We cross our fingers and sprinkled Pixie Dust throughout her when she returned. 

Each day I kept thinking, "This is it!  It will change today, I can feel it". Then I came to the realization for some reason that week was just stuck in a warp and there was no choice but to roll with it. What else can you do? If you whine ALL DAY you are annoying to everyone including yourself. If you complain every hour about things you can't control, you are wasting energy. Sure, it was a challenge but fun too. I had to race the clock walking like Jane Fonda pumping my arms and tucking my butt under to get E to school on time (2.5) miles away. It wasn't my norm running E to school since I'm post surgery, but I felt like I was a in a 1990's video and should have worn a sweatband and leg warmers.

I seriously had to downsize my to-do lists for the week since my time was "to be spent getting the computer ready for taxes". But in the upside down week, I was out of my own post surgery daily life of physical therapy and training day in, day out. I got to chill in Emeryville, hang out in Apple and people watch.  The opportunity to venture off the "island", oh H$&L to the yes, to go hang out with computer kids of all ages.  The reality that, "It's a great day if only one eighth of the errands got done. If walking E to preschool so she could be ON TIME and enjoying coffee while responding to 45 emails are the biggest feats of the day, it rocked".

For some reason these weeks have to happen; that reason is called Life. We ALL have weeks (and months) like mine. Everything you map out gets turned upside down, just like your kid pouring milk upside down on a freshly mopped floor. It happens and while frustrating you just gotta go with it, laugh, and ride the week out. If you don't laugh and get mad, it only makes it worse.  While I have great hope that February will bring only joyful perfection rollin' in love and daisies, I know if it doesn't I can just flip through Sunset Magazine and click my flips to escape.

12.16.11...last day...

Today was my last day teaching Power Fitness PDX until February 2012...double knee surgery is on Monday. 3 days until life will be altered on this teeter totter and I will be off balance in every sense of the phrase.

Teaching Power Fitness PDX and owning my own business has given me a sense of focus, discipline, support, enthusiasm, spirit, appreciation of my own community, and appreciation of the strengths I possess and can share with others. While there have been many days this last year that I have woken up in the middle of the night with nerves about Makenzie and her health and future, Emerson's growth and her quality time with us, my marriage and how challenging having a sick child/job loss/relocation/coping with it all is very different and straining and how I just want to be present and LIVE LOUDLY(vibrantly and embracing each bit of fun and joy) and CONFIDENTLY...has to be put aside so I can support the incredible men and women who come to PFPDX.

Training the TEAM has given me a gift of focus and reason to put on my work and motivational hat. To put aside my own concerns while I help them get stronger and reach their goals. I am beyond eternally grateful.  Without realizing it, many of them have given me back the sense of normalcy I had been craving with every ounce of my being after having a hospitalized child post relocating and starting over.

Now that I taught my last class for 6 weeks I have to focus on embarking on another challenge...double knee surgery.  It is more uncertainty, but the definite I know is I look forward to February when I can put my own fears and challenges aside by starting my days  training Power Fitness PDXers.

I look forward to embracing these challenges of not teaching by using my time rehabbing so I can become stronger. To become more knowledgeable and a greater pillar of coaching to help them surpass all their goals.  The TEAM helped me so very much this year...and honestly I made it to this point more focused than ever before. I can only hope to continue and help them to this same level too...

Spasms

Yes, I am a spaz in many ways, as we all are. I love to laugh until my tummy hurts, to share lame jokes, to watch silly movies with lovey dovey plots that are predictable and to make the biggest splashes in the pool with my kids.  But what I don't like....when my back is a SPAZ!

This week my body decided to let me know I needed to step back.  I am sure it has happened to all of you at some point.  This year has been full, the past 6 weeks are no exception.  A road trip with the girls to Portland solo parenting, Hood to Coast, jumping back to school year and nightly meetings, Makenzie's first full year at Otis school (we hope), added on more boot camp classes, more Personal Training Clients, Pacific Grove Tri, sprained wrist from bike fall, Jack working late, Georgia trip and on and on.  It sounds like many of your September's I assume...you want to do it all and be proficient with everything you do.  And then I put a goal on myself to do a big challenge in September...what was I thinking at the time was it was a perfect challenge.  At the end of the month I accomplished many of the tasks, but still had more to do and felt I didn't keep up to my own goals. Do you ever feel like that? 

Then last week some wild stress hit. I thought I could heal it all with my norm of spinning, running, swimming, training, and laughing.  I tried to muscle through, but my back wouldn't have it.  Sunday in a 3000 yard swim workout, my back started to seize up.  No No NO I thought. It can't happen now, swimming is my safe sport and my oasis of peace.  Maybe I was being played on by the higher power, another lesson to be learned since for some reason it seems I am one to keep "learning".  I thought, Embrace the challenge Erin, embrace your back and do mermaid swimming for a bit. I did, felt better, and then had to curl into a ball.

It's ok, I can get stretch and work through this, right?  I set up Monday - Wednesday by the minute; Jack and the girls flew early to Georgia and I wasn't leaving until today, Wednesday, to get a lot of work done.  Then Monday hit...I had an awesome spin class, worked out after and planned on lifting that night.  Stress starting getting to my gut and my stomach started to hurt a bit. "Come on Erin, muscle through", said my inner voice. Watched a lame movie in the quiet house, tackled some of my to do and that night, my back started to spasm and the pain continued. NO, this was not in my plan for my time to work kidless. I had things to do and taking care of my back was not one of them. Tuesday, my back was not great at all and the day that was to be full of tons of training, clients and work ended up with Orthopedic MD for knee update(planned), 1. 5 hours at the Chiropractor for my back (not planned), hour massage for back(not planned), haircut (yeah planned!) and light spin which for me felt great on my back. While I had wanted to push it and get 100 things done, even with a lot of my to-do's that I was able to accomplish, my body said to hold on and breath. Just breath and breath again. 


Today I woke up a new person.  After a night of ice and breathing it all in.  
 
Why ... because I took time to meditate last night and just step back... physically and literally.  

Relish the time to be alone and know that the "to-do" list will always be there.

It is easy to keep going and taking care of everyone, everything and think that you are taking care of your own needs while nursing all around you.  But are you really?  Are you taking moments to just "be" and not worry about feeling productive?  

I know for me that is a hot topic. I have a tough time not mutlitasking, especially as I still feel I have tons of catching up to do. I cram every minute on MWF when I work/teach train clients all day and have our wonderful nanny, Hannah, watch the girls after school.  I am slammed with to-do items. Mind you I love that I ride my bike from appointment to appointment, but even if I do that and feel rushed, am I really enjoying the ride along the way?  But on Tuesday and Thursday, after I teach first thing in the morning, I am off playing with Emerson and being "Mom". I thought that was enough to keep my own life stress in check, but I realized I have not been so honest with myself.  While we step back on those days, I am still riding to soccer class, to gymnastics class, Brownies, learning the Art Docent program and taking care of our home.  I love all of this, but I think sitting back and reading a good book or a trashy magazine needs to fall in to my to-do's ... and not be done while I am on the elliptical trainer at the gym, but in my favorite red chair in the family room.

The spasms set me back, but also set me forward.  It was an eye-opener for me to really set back and breath.  I realized I need to nourish my own soul as I am helping everyone else, and doing nothing sometimes is the best thing to do. Period. 

In December I will have time to focus on doing nothing. It looks like I'll be having double knee surgery then, but it will progress me forward as an athlete and as a trainer.  That challenge, interestingly enough, seems just like that.  It will be a gift to move forward as I got the initial answer on Tuesday regarding what would happen.  More to come on that later, but last night I thought about how maybe the spasms were helping me prep for sitting back and letting my own body heal post surgery. I can't control everything, so to just go with it and breath along the way is a lesson in itself.

What do you do to breath? What do you do to wind down and listen to your body?  Have you have moments of spasms too? If so, what made you breath better?

So I sign off with breathing. Taking one moment at a time and stepping back to just breath, read some silly books, and own up to doing to much for a bit and needing to take care of myself.  It may be selfish, but it may also be the best gift I give back to everyone around whom I adore.

Much love to you and make sure to breath.....

Living to JUST GO FOR IT!!

Part of being home and embarking on life post almost losing your child is you realize you have to just GO FOR IT!  You really do; no questions, no hesitations, but to just live life fully and try everything.  We have always encouraged our daughters to do that, and while it is nerve-wracking at times, it is also freeing to know that we all genuinely hold the potential to do any and everything.  When you don't over think and do, your life feels 10 pounds lighter. 

This past week, I have just DONE. I took some risks, had so much fun and packed a lot of new adventures into one week.  You know what.... it felt great!  It felt liberating! I was LAUGHING a lot with every new adventure. One of the biggest ones was entering a contest to become the new Real Model Cover Model for Fitness Magazine.  I entered last Friday night, February 18th, not knowing what I was getting into. I was nervous to press send on my photo and essay, but I figured what do I have to lose! Why not, life is to short, right? We know that so very well with our miracle daughters, so I thought I should just do it.  I am not 5'10 and big chested, but 5'1 with a small chest, strong legs and can run for miles.  I was nervous about putting a swimsuit photo up with the girls, because it's not a women flexing in a bikini with make up like the others, but it is REAL and me! 

Now I am in the Top 10 in the Country and have been all week! Currently I am #6 and in 36 hours we find out who wins.  Friends and family have been very supportive and sharing the link and my story with everyone.  At first I was uncomfortable saying what I did, and then I stepped back and thought who the heck cares!  Let's see what happens and I will tell all my family and friends to VOTE!!

So please take a minute to vote- it is very fast.  10 seconds at most!  You vote, submit, answer the question, submit the vote, and share the link. Press like on the FB button, and voila vote is done!

VOTE HERE- THE LINK-  
 

Makenzie and Emerson are getting excited and while Jack doesn't like the voting process (the technical element) he is supportive too.  From something on a whim, is now something of a chance and means a lot.  

Why I decided to do this some friends have asked--- The story
I have never been one to not try something because of nerves, hence jumping off high rocks in Waimea Bay in Hawaii, or the high dive at age 5 giving my Mom a heart attack.  But I do have natural hesitations and nerves that pop through.  While I know it is normal, I also know that they need to be thrown out the window because each moment is a new opportunity to live fuller and more vibrantly. 

When in Portland, I did tv segments with Better TV.  I loved it and had fun, and while there were natural body image concerns with being on tv, I felt confident that I was a real Mom and Trainer who didn't have a boob job and had strong legs.  It was fun to do TV, and I had met with producers about potentially making some Fitness DVD's.  But it came to financing, and then some of my nerves got the best of me. When pregnant with Emerson, I thought I would get right back to that goal after she was born. I had connections, my mom-students in Baby Boot Camp and Power Outdoor Fitness asking me to make them, and was comfortable with a microphone.  But...I got pneumonia when 6 weeks postnatal, Emerson got pneumonia-pertusis-RSV at 7 weeks old, and my Dad was with an unexpected heart condition.

I had the rug pulled from under me and suddenly I didn't have any energy left to focus on my own goals of television or growing my fitness business personality.  I tried to juggle Emerson's needs, 4 year old Makenzie, and owning two fitness businesses while being a full time Mom.  Anxiousness set in and my juggling wasn't working. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, it's what I helped train women to prevent in Baby Boot Camp.  Yet I couldn't fight nature and had to face it. I did, through exercise, therapy and hard work.  I decided to sell one of my businesses and cut back on work.

One year later, Fall of 2009, I was ready again to make my mark!  I sold my Baby Boot Camp business, owned Power Outdoor Fitness and Power Fitness PDX, and was trying to garner my schedule to work best with the girls.  Makenzie was in Kindergarten, Emerson was having fun, I was trying to be at peace ...but with the economy Jack's job wasn't going well as a Recruiter and he got laid off without severance or benefits.  I thought, "Oh no, wait, how could this be we were at a great place!".  Yet again, rug pulled out, I jumped over the dust bunnies that remained and made sure to start over again full force in a new city and new state.  So after no jobs in the Portland area, we moved to California in the New Year. The seed to just GO FOR IT was still planted away, and I knew my time would come to have fun on camera in the Bay Area.  I needed to get settled first in life. To find a house, have the girls comfortable and meeting people, support Jack in his new job, start my business again, and attempt to feel situated in our new, but my old, city.  Yet, I knew it would work! I did, I knew I could gradually get there again to put myself out there for maybe local fitness pieces, etc. Come Summer, we were there! Life was grand, we were flourishing as a whole and I was ready to focus on my business goals.

Then BOOM, like a mac truck we were hit the blow of Makenzie getting so sick and almost dying. The doctors had no idea what was going on, and within hours of being in the hospital we didn't know if Makenzie would make it, what was going on with her, why or how long it would be.  Life stopped and while others were moving on in the world outside Children's Hospital and UCSF experiencing Fall and Winter, we were going day -to -day trying to cope and live.  I dropped everything to be there for Makenzie and make sure to be her Mom, nurse, friend, supporter, advocate, and nurturer.  I also tried to nurture Emerson and Jack in the same.  And...we did it!  We all survived and made it through. Not unscarred mentally and Makenzie physically, but we did it and learned so much about the human spirit, community, blessings and the true will to live fully!!!

We have been on a gradual climb back to normalcy and back to feeling good!!!  Makenzie is settled in school again, doing incredible (Read her latest Caring Bridge Update), and getting stronger each day!  Emerson is LOVING preschool in Tiny Tots, flourishing in being 3 with ALL of us at home.  Jack has been able to submerge himself to his job and likes his new company more than he realized. He is even starting a new 5013c!  So...as I am maintaining my sense of balance in juggling all of this, trying to digest everything, I realized it is my time to just GO FOR IT AGAIN! 

Thus, I entered the contest which for me took some courage, but it was so very freeing and exciting!  I didn't even think at first of the potential opportunities that can evolve from this for my family, my business and personal goals, other women to be exposed to some of my own experiences that may give a sense of guidance and hope, and a real means to overcome and do the Fitness DVD. 

In one week, I entered the Fitness Magazine Cover Model contest (eek!), did a pole dancing class with my dear college bestie Bo, played with our loving dear friends Erin & Dylan, went to the PRINCE concert college Bestie Erika, did open gym gymnastics class last night with the Power Fitness PDX ladies, and today subbed Baby Boot Camp Oakland. How much I have missed just playing and having fun with my girlfriends too!!! It has been a week of balancing, while taking care of me too and making my own goals of FUN with FRIENDS and living fully happen!  My Power Fitness PDX goals are getting accomplished too faster than I thought with relaunching in January. Had an incredible meeting with Lucy on Tuesday, which had me leave smiling.  I worked with them in Portland, and now, a new working relationship that is mutually beneficial.   It is incredible and while my families life is getting balance, my own life is getting some balance too!  It is dynamic and fun and while I am waiting for a little rug to potentially be pulled from under us again, I'll just keep GOING FOR IT like my daughters have taught me.

Running in fog but through the wind

Yesterday was one of the windiest days and one of the clearest in many months.  It has been a ride the past 6 weeks post UCSF, especially the past 5 that Makenzie has been back in school and we have all been back to our new normal lives.  She is doing incredible, which brings a huge sense of peace, but also scare.  The nerves of not knowing if she will go back to the hospital are trying, but also gradually going to the side when allowed. 

Last week I had a list of things to get done with re-launching my business and the fitness challenge coming up, but Emerson was very punky and needed to be home getting better.  She had a cold that is pretty brutal.  It's not a big deal though compared to anything else and we just moved along and went with how she felt. So I dropped my "to do list" and cuddled a lot.  She would cough through the night, whine out and immediately we'd jump to get her.  When snuggling in our bed she would pull us right close, so tight that we are cheek to cheek all night, and then would cough all night.  Lovely visual, eh? Let me tell you it is a gift to be a Mom, but moments like that of coughs in your face as you calm your kiddo let you know it is a nonstop "gift" of patience and calm since you know you're next in line for the cold. 

Emerson being an RSV-pertusis- pneumonia kid has us worried when she catches a cold since she can go from 0 to 60 in a few hours.  I took her to the doctor's on Tuesday to take a peak and see. It was the best MD appointment we've had in a very long time.....no ears or throat infections and Makenzie read to her the entire visit.  Gradually she got better and then I got it.  No big deal though, I run through it.  I know it can be much worse and outside of my running gloves being washed after each runny nose induced run, it's all good.   But why was it I still was getting flustered and feeling foggy?  Why, some mornings after teaching or training, would I feel a punch to my gut and some nerves being stirred?  I was doing everything right I thought.  We were all getting a routine, Jack and I were communicating about schedules, and talking a lot about our own balance within the family.  E had no ear or throat infections and loves school and M was doing incredible in school making it 'till 1:30 most days already.  Yet I couldn't get the weight off my shoulders to feel "light". 

Then yesterday I had a revelation when running with Emerson. I booked it to pick her up at preschool since I was almost late, going against an intense wind.  She wanted to picnic after school so I brought her lunch even remembering her favorite yogurt.  We enjoyed lunch with some friends and I had a nice time watching as she interacted with her buddy S.  She was talking about her "friends" and smiling a lot.  When the wind almost blew us away, we decided to run "home", but I knew I had to get some miles in and we'd be running a long way home.  E was singing to me and talking to her doll, Baby Sita, for a while and suddenly stopped.  I peaked in and she was conked out, looking so sweet and yummy all bundled up protected from the wind.  I continued on the beach path.  When looking out across the Bay to San Francisco the crisp beauty took me away.  The city popped out like on a postcard. 

In all this windy clarity it hit me....I have been given the time to process what happened with Makenzie and to "move on" and be grateful she made it.  But I fear that if I move to far forward I am setting myself up for disappointment and scare if she suddenly has to go back to UCSF.  I have been working on creating balance again, a sense of structure and schedule for not only Makenzie but for all of us.  My business is set for training between 4:45-7:45 am, so I don't miss time with the girls or Jack and can work with my clients and boot camps.  Emerson has Preschool twice each week, Makenzie is doing better each day and gaining even more courage.  Jack is loving his job and feels good, even tough he works late because he is happy with what he is doing.  All of this is incredible...and feeling clean and bright.  It feels good and blissful in many ways, but it is starting to feel like when we moved into our house and were starting to feel settled last September.  It was the time right when Makenzie got sick and our lives were changed. I think that is what scares me. 

Yesterday morning a friend from Makenzie's school asked me if we knew the cause for what happened. She asked me with a fearful laugh adding, "Do you know so we can all make sure to not do it?".  I didn't take it as rude, I took it as her being nervous about it happening again and concerned if it could happen to her daughter.  We've been asked the question regularly by friends and acquaintances and dealt with it each time with similar answers, such as "We have no idea, she is an anomoly". But  I go back and repeat every event leading up to Makenzie getting sick; thinking if there was any moment we could have prevented what happened.  If there was anything we could have done to avoid her experiencing all the pain, scares and scars.  But as we've been told by the doctor's, there isn't any rhyme or reason why and if it will happen again.  Still, I ask myself and have to find courage and peace to face the answer of no answer.

When I stopped at the beach to look at the City, I realized I am scared BUT craving balance because it means we will be getting more and more back to "normal".  But we'll never be "normal" again, and knowing anything can change in an instant, is scary.  We just have to LIVE and know it's OK to be scared about the unanswered questions.  It is not being pessimistic as someone said to me, as I am a glass "half full" type of person, BUT I don't have to be brave all the time and am allowed to be scared of being "normal" again. Normal is when our world fell apart...and we had to just go with it and not resist but be patient and pray.   I feel clearer with the ability of knowing that it's ok to grieve as I heal since the more we get back to normal, the harder it will be if anything happens again.  But being back in a normal routine balances out my inner peace, and normalcy is ok. It doesn't mean a rug will be pulled out from under us again, it means we can just "live" each day.  It means I can keep running and not have to stop for long periods of time. But if I do, I know how to pick up and keep going again and again.