Daughters

When I first had Makenzie, the breath was knocked out of me. Literally, it was, but figuratively too.  We rushed to UCLA after dropping off our taxes, were “tskked tssskked” by a delivery nurse and my Mother in Law, who were both there waiting for us at check in. Already in trouble yet I hadn’t even had my baby yet.  We were nervously rushing ...only to wait for the doctor and nurses, who were fighting over my care.  They were still fighting when I was sitting with needles in my spine for the epidural.  Ah, nothing like that sort of uncomfort with needles in your back.  And then, for whatever reason, my body decided to respond poorly to the epidural and it felt like elephants were walking on my chest. They were stomping away and I couldn’t breath, while feeling like a big gorilla waiting on the operating table.  Jack and my Mom weren’t allowed in the room due to the complications, and my nerves were heightened.  All I could think was, “Please get Makenzie out safely and then worry about me”. Gratefully the anaesthesiologist was able to work some magic to stabilize me, Jack was able to join me with Mom watching, and Makenzie was welcomed to the world on April 12th, 2004 at 5:51 pm.  When the nurse showed her to us, and Jack brought her over to meet me, my breath was taken away for the best reasons. The reasons of complete awe and intense gratitude.

Sisters - April 2009 Ages 1 & 5

Emerson’s delivery was comical, and almost a tell tale sign of her little personality.  I had been determined to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) but my body wasn’t on the same plan. The day before our back up C-Section date our doctor, Dr. Hamilton, Jack and I decided the C-Section was the safest option for my body and our little baby. The following day, Friday, January 25, 2008, would be Emerson's birth date.  5:00 am Friday morning Jack and I arrive on a freezing cold Winter day to Emanuel Hospital ... only to find out we were at the wrong hospital! Who goes to the wrong hospital to deliver their kiddo…well the Shirey’s and Dr. Hamilton all did! Emanuel was the hospital for our VBAC, since it was high risk, but we were delivering via C-Section.

Laughter ensues, all the Providence Portland nurses tease how this has never happened.  No stress, just laughs, and excitement.  We’re in the operating room and the team's started playing Bob Marley followed by Boys to Men. While splayed out being ready to have surgery begin, the music made me reminisce of Bishop O’Dowd High School dances. Jack and Dr. Hamilton are discussing my prenatal core routine since he was complimenting my abs as dissecting them, another random funny that was a great one for a pregnant Mama.  Within minutes, at 8:10 am, Emerson arrives and brought immediate joy and laughter.  Complete and utter sweet joy and jubulience.

Two different deliveries. Two very different daughters, requiring two very different patient levels.  Whew, patience.  People tell you that you need a lot of calm with your “patience voice” when you have children. However, nobody ever said the supply has to be endless, non-stop, and full of butterflies and candy coated kindness when it wants to sound like a fire breathing dragon.  This week has been a week with the fire breathing dinosaur eager to chomp on the butterflies and let loose. It has been a week repeating the mantra, “Keep calm and carry on”. It has also been a week that’s created dream like and blissful memories within the craziness. 

Emerson, Age 4.5, Lake Tahoe 7.14.12

Our daughters are different, very different.  The way they act, respond, express, digress, and encourage is wildly and wonderfully different.  That being said, I have to constantly remind myself of their unique ways of dealing with anything bothersome.  I love how different they are.  I admire them for being who they are without any pretense, and incredible pride.  When age 4.5 years Emerson is having meltdown after meltdown in levels neither Jack or I remember happening with Makenzie, we have to bite our tongues and calm E down in means requiring more pixie patience dust to add to the patience bucket.  And while the meltdowns were fewer and far between before, for whatever reason the past 6 weeks they have been intense when they happen, and unbreakable.  We've been figuring out what her triggers are, and I know I have to almost set my own clock every 90 minutes for Emerson to eat and drink her water in order to keep up her energy just like a puppy dog.

Here is the pickle...she is DELIGHTFUL when she is not mad.  Purely magic, funny, vibrant, and love filled. She fills my love tank to the brim with kisses, cuddles, laughs, sweet words, funny moments and time that I want to go on forever.   That is the 85-90% of the time, it truly is.  

Similar to the eating rule of 90/10 I tell my clients.  90 % of the time eat good clean food and 10-15% of the time you can enjoy the treats of life.  For Emerson, 90% of the time  

she is brilliantly clean and effortless love in true from.

10% of the time she makes me want to grab a bottle of wine, take a straw 

and drink the bottle in one sitting. 

 

Makenzie, age 8, Lake Tahoe 7.14.12

And while we are figuring Emerson at age 4.5, we are attempting to learn our first child's navigation in life.  She is a protector by nature, a talker, compassionate, a storyteller, silly, mature beyond years in some ways and also has the traditional first born traits.  With Emerson we worry about tantrums, with Makenzie we try to channel her back, word wise, so everyone has a turn to talk.  She has the best stories to tell, confidence to talk to anyone and everyone, and the ability to shift conversation and keep it alive.  But with that gift comes the challenge of when to reign it in.  With missing almost all of first grade and being around so many adults, her ability to converse with eye contact challenges many of today's teens.  It also means she is incredibly determined, with the words to support her desires, to get her "way" within the family. With her conversational skills come brilliant one liners that make a parent proud, but not when they are attempting to be stern in discipline.  It is a tricky line to walk, because confidence is what you want your children to have more than anything.  We want Makenzie to keep her confidence in who she is, while also respecting that other people have stories to tell and opinions about various events too.   

So I am learning as a parent, along with Jack, how to deal with each moment of challenge.  Different deliveries, very different daughters.  When I want to talk like a fire breathing dragon, I hold back and think of what I can learn out of the moment. Honestly, parenting is easier said than done as we all know.  What is it I can evolve from in this endless moment of screaming, hitting, yelling, hair pulling and tears?  Are these the moments prepping us for when they are teenagers? Emerson might punch a wall and Makenzie might talk back like a sailor? I hope not! I hope they will be perfect and delightful all the time...but they won't. Nor will I.  I will be the 90/10 rule myself.  I know that in the 10% of time, the time when I want to slam the door with frustration and lace up to pound the pavement for a solo run, I am a great parent to my two very dynamic daughters.  With that, I know it will all be OK... 90% of the time. 

Joy!!!

Today is off to a great start and going to be incredible!!! YOU can make it incredible, even if it started with a coffee cup being spilled in your lap,  or your kid poo pooing the whole wheat waffles you surprised her with on a school morning after rushing in from teaching boot camp. Why?  Because the sun is shining, there was cereal in the cupboard as back up, and she was right.  The whole wheat waffles weren't as good as the buttermilk ones.   Blast some Guns N Roses and just dance or jump for joy! JUMP JUMP JUMP and you'll feel GOOD GOOD GOOD!
xoxox Muah ---Erin

P.S. Blogging again so watch out...many posts to come soon

Apple, Lemon, Sunset & Flips

Last week was a do-over. Do you ever have those?  It was actually the month of January, the first month of 2012, where I kept thinking, "I am in the movie Groundhog Day".  The hope is with waking up everything is going to align and the goals for the day will get accomplished.  Or maybe the point I continued to face was, "Will they ever??".

Last week I had to go to Apple in Emeryville...5 times out of 7 days. Yep, no joke, for some reason my sweet MacBook wanted to go play again and again with his "Genius" friends at Apple.  So I let him, hung out at the Apple store and enjoyed some time chillin' in Emeryville.  While browsing through Barnes & Noble waiting for one appointment, I grabbed a stack of magazines including Sunset. Don't you ever peruse the pages in Sunset and envision having 5 different houses with gorgeous interior design, full of walls and angles that make you want to hug them? I do. I truly do, I look and close my eyes, dreaming that I can click my flips and hop into the pages to live in some of the coastal homes. Then I open my eyes and realize I don't, like I did when I was waiting for Apple.

Now with Apple it wasn't just the juggling to go there for hours at a time, but that our sweet little Lemon, aka our VW Pasaat Wagon, was in the shop again. We laugh how we are more used to not having her then we are to having two cars. We know we've paid for two cars, that we should have them parked in front of our house for when we need them, but for some reason little Lemon has enjoyed playing with her peers at German Auto a bit to much.  To the sound of one year of College tuition.  But she just decided to finally come home and is hopefully now fixed this time. We cross our fingers and sprinkled Pixie Dust throughout her when she returned. 

Each day I kept thinking, "This is it!  It will change today, I can feel it". Then I came to the realization for some reason that week was just stuck in a warp and there was no choice but to roll with it. What else can you do? If you whine ALL DAY you are annoying to everyone including yourself. If you complain every hour about things you can't control, you are wasting energy. Sure, it was a challenge but fun too. I had to race the clock walking like Jane Fonda pumping my arms and tucking my butt under to get E to school on time (2.5) miles away. It wasn't my norm running E to school since I'm post surgery, but I felt like I was a in a 1990's video and should have worn a sweatband and leg warmers.

I seriously had to downsize my to-do lists for the week since my time was "to be spent getting the computer ready for taxes". But in the upside down week, I was out of my own post surgery daily life of physical therapy and training day in, day out. I got to chill in Emeryville, hang out in Apple and people watch.  The opportunity to venture off the "island", oh H$&L to the yes, to go hang out with computer kids of all ages.  The reality that, "It's a great day if only one eighth of the errands got done. If walking E to preschool so she could be ON TIME and enjoying coffee while responding to 45 emails are the biggest feats of the day, it rocked".

For some reason these weeks have to happen; that reason is called Life. We ALL have weeks (and months) like mine. Everything you map out gets turned upside down, just like your kid pouring milk upside down on a freshly mopped floor. It happens and while frustrating you just gotta go with it, laugh, and ride the week out. If you don't laugh and get mad, it only makes it worse.  While I have great hope that February will bring only joyful perfection rollin' in love and daisies, I know if it doesn't I can just flip through Sunset Magazine and click my flips to escape.

Cycling On By- 7.26.11

It is true, we look back at certain times of our lives with memories of fondness, joy, compassion, laughter, and pure delight.  I feel grateful I can look back at many times like that, especially the time when I owned/taught Baby Boot Camp in Portland. I LOVED teaching classes, felt invigorated by influencing my own child with health and fitness while helping women take care of their bodies. Baby Boot Camp was my third child, so to speak.  My business wasn't just that, and it never was meant to be, which is how it became very successful. It was a way of life; those involved incorporated the ideals of the Portland classes and dynamic into their daily lives.

2007- Teaching Plank with Makenzie

That may sound odd to think about right now, but it was a huge part of our lives in part because of the girls. I started Baby Boot Camp just before Makenzie's first birthday.  I vividly remember my first class with Makenzie bouncing along in Washington Park, singing and playing, and the excitement the Moms and their families felt after.  Jack said to me, "Erin, you found your nitch.  This is incredible and so perfect for you".  It was the first of it's kind in the Pacific Northwest and the Moms took to it; classes grew fast. Jack was right. Baby Boot Camp was my nitch...it helped me learn Portland and our family get immersed in many aspects of the the city and community. 

The classes were a blast and Makenzie, and later Emerson, knew nothing but fitness as a way of life. They knew of Moms (and Dads) being healthy with their kids. They knew that playing games can be fun in working out; sprinting when pushing a stroller is what all Moms and Dads should do.  They thought having friends play tag  in the park after class was a great way to spend a Saturday morning, or going to the Zoo to see animals while in a jogger with Mom teaching is tons of fun. I loved seeing the kids mimic their Moms by doing lunges and the bonding with my own daughters doing push ups with them.

Riding Home with Barbie riding with us

On Monday, Makenzie and I were going through photos.  She asked me if I missed teaching Baby Boot Camp, and I said I really did. I missed many things about it, and owning that business.  I missed the community, and how it was what we did as a family on weekends.  The routine of teaching with Jack on Saturday mornings, followed by Barnes & Noble story time was so sweet to start the weekend right.  The little toes kicking in front of the jogger, combined with the girls laughing with their little friends as we taught class makes me smile still.  Starting the mornings with boot campers who became some of my best friends, exercising together, was incredible.  But knowing that what I was doing as my profession, truly helped inspire the Baby Boot Campers to live healthier and more active lives, made the work hours beyond worth it.  While I was reminiscing on the aspects of Baby Boot Camp I loved, I said to Makenzie, "While I miss that part of that chapter in my life, I cherish it and love the chapter we are in now too.  Each part of our lives have their own stories and we are in a new one now that we are writing to be great!".

After talking about those special times, Makenzie asked if she could ride her bike with me to the Club. I was going to do a swim workout and run there to get more miles in, but she wanted to ride along side and read while I swam. A first for her, but why not. While I was excited, honestly I also was thinking I hope I can get a solid mile swim in since this is my training window.  I know it may sound selfish, but I had visions of a great ride there, with me being stopped each lap for a typical kiddo"Are you done yet?" question.  Yes, I did feel bad with these thoughts too because my normal Mom guilt of always wanting to be easy with my kids.

Post swim ride/run home!  New chapter...

It was after dinner, and with just the two of us it felt like we were in a new, more big kid, world. Makenzie on her two wheeler and me running alongside carrying the backpack with our swim gear.  She was steady on her bike and shared stories the entire ride, sounding so much older than I wanted to realize. We got to the pool and true to her word, Makenzie pulled a chair up at the end of my lane and started reading her book.  She knew the time on the clock to check for when it was time to pop in and swim with me. Makenzie patiently read and then hopped in and we swam, played and laughed for another 45 minutes.  We did underwater tea parties, bobbed, and relished just being mermaids together.  We watched the sunset while swimming and Makenzie said to me, "Mom, this marks a new chapter for us. Now you can train with me and I can train with you! Just us- our special time together".  Heart  = melted.

We got dressed, riding/running home in the dark.  I didn't want the night to end for the incredible conversations and time we were sharing, just us, but was excited about this marking a new tradition we will do together.  Soon she'll be comfortable to swim laps beside me too, but I don't want to rush anything as each moment of our lives marks something new. For me, to have her mature, patient and eager to "train with me" gave me another sense that our chapter before helped shape who she is now.  Seeing me always determined to be strong and active, leading my clients along the way, gave her a strength and confidence she carries with her.  I look forward to the next memories to be created during our training sessions.  Again, my little workout partner is leading my way, writing her own story with fine detail.  

Sweet Nora- July 2011

*** Fun addition- Anne, the first instructor I hired for Baby Boot Camp, who became a dear friend didn't have kids for her first few years of teaching. She now has two gorgeous daughters.  Her youngest, Nora, is a baby and when we got home from our bike ride, I opened my email to find a picture of Nora in a Ride Alameda Tricycle onesie we sent her.  The active Mama book continuing being written...

Emerson-Ramona-E-Miss Magoo-Monkey

Dynamic Emerson, my little bundle of energy and independence started Preschool on January 4th! It was huge, and a needed growth change for her. She was nervous and wanted to be as princess like as possible wearing her favorite green dress, tights and party shoes, and a grown up barrette in her hair. She packed her Dora backpack, making sure to include coloring books and a camera. Cuddling Baby Sita as tight as possible all morning, Emerson saw the other kids didn't have their dolls with them and asked me to put Baby Sita in her backpack so she was close enough to touch, but away so she can be like the other "big" kids.  From the beginning, Emerson has always had a sparkle and that sparkle of delight was in her eyes. She became a preschooler while I became a Mom with both of my kidlets in "school".

I can't believe she is almost 3, but then again, I lost 3.5 months from "being" with my youngest daughter all the time. Emerson is my buddy, and I have prided myself and trying to strike a work-balance to remember every ounce of who she is. She has many nicknames, all that suit her perfectly.  Ramona, Miss Magoo, E and Monkey.  They all describe how silly, spirited, loving, curious and adventurous she is.  She is also a BIG miracle, like her big sister, and actually paved the way for Makenzie to know what being in a hospital is like. From the day we left the hospital the final time with Emerson, I vowed to work at changing my teaching schedule, business and life and "be fully present" with Emerson at all times. Of course that is a lot to ask of any person, let alone business owning parent, but after almost losing Emerson when an infant and  losing 3. 5 months with her, there is no time to pass by without embracing it.  And I have, and it is hard at times, but so delicious in the same. Changing my own schedule for teaching and training clients allows me more time with Emerson in the mornings. I now teach and train all clients between 4 am-8 am which allows more time in the day. When she is not in school we are taking each morning as it comes, and the days she is in school we have more time to dawdle as we walk or run home. This past Tuesday she asked if I could bring her Barbie scooter when picking her up, which I did, and she lasted 15 minutes trying to scoot independently before she hopped in the jogging stroller.  I was trying to capture each image of Emerson scooting along in her fancy twirly skirt, purple helmet, pink Vans and a smile as big as her face.  If only our lives had a permanent video playing above us to take these images in.

Emerson turns 3 on Tuesday... 3 Years old!! Her little birthday celebration is tomorrow and I am excited for it to be ALL about Emerson for the day. She has talked about wanting a Zoo Birthday party, what cupcakes to make, and what dress she want to wear. On Friday we went to Target to pick out goodie bag swag, Dora gear and pink everything. To have this basic time with E doesn't replace the months lost to juggling taking care of Bug, but they are times we are both craving right now. Just craving the feeling of being around each other to hear each others voices or hold each others hands walking down the street.  Like any kid, Emerson needs her Mom as much as her Mom needs and craves her. So I take this time, even when they are trying and her independent firecracker self shines through, because I can't get any of our lost time back.

Cherish, is what I am doing, cherishing Miss E as she turns the magical 3 and wants to play with Me!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Code Blue

I am sitting in Makenzie's UCSF Room, #647, and have been awake since 5:05 am. I can't get back to sleep, and that is in part because of all the beepings and also because my mind keeps racing back to the code blue page from Saturday morning.

When you "live" in a hospital you digest the noises as part of your existence. You start to ignore beeps, iv- noises, pumps, breathing treatments and machines working at keeping your children alive. But you never can digest the noises of kids cries, moans, and chirps and especially the beeping of Code Blue. When that happens, you hear a mass of clogs and running shoes storming down the hallway to the child in need. You hear the quick talk of medical lingo on the walkie talkies, swooshing of ventilators, hands working at rapid pace to keep a child alive. The intensity of those moments are some that stay with you forever, as you were in the midst of hearing life almost slip by...but being saved by the incredible hands of RN's and MD's...you pray. By the nature of God, because I believe more than ever that there is a God who has embraced Makenzie, my family and our challenges, and I have to know and believe is embracing all the little gifts of children on the 6th and 7th floor at UCSF.

Right now, I'll go back to embracing my sweet Makenzie, who is sleeping in front of me with her lovely French braids down her back and cuddling her little Ali medical bear. She wanted to cuddle tight last night as we talked about what we could do when it is our turn to go home. The nerves of potentially staying through Christmas are floating within her and it would be incredible to be home and soon. It will happen soon, and I am beyond grateful that during her medical challenges the past almost 3 months I have never heard the words Code Blue in relation to her. Almost in ICU....but gratefully Makenzie was never Code Blue.