23

Fall is the season in our house that holds deep significance.  Each leaf that falls from the tree is a meaning of life evolving, and how time passes.  With each Season comes brilliance, energy and hope for what it holds.  For me, September is a heartfelt time.  Interestingly enough, it resonates with other friends whom are close to us, and many school friends.  This past week on the playground, 12 different friends have asked how Makenzie's health is doing.  Trying to sound strong while being real, I share, "She is doing great and shows no symptoms of even having Type 1 Diabetes yet.  We take it as it comes and for now, she is a walking miracle. She rocks her 1/3 pancreas like it's nobody's business".

But honestly, I look at the Fall date of September 23rd as a marker. September 23rd, 2010, is when I rushed Makenzie to the hospital. It is a date that forever changed my entire families life. It's a date when my oldest daughter didn't recognize me at all.  It is when I looked at her big eyes, trying to stare into her soul, and thought her soul was being lifted away from me.

Flag catching, 9.20.2010

I had been in Portland for the Power MOB business conference from September 21-23rd. Honestly, it was an excuse to visit my heart city and be with some of my best girlfriends.  Rarely do I get away without the kids. While in Portland, Makenzie had fallen ill with stomach flu on September 22nd.  Keeping in constant touch with Jack and my Mom, they said to stay in Portland and enjoy myself.  As the day progressed, Jack shared she wasn't feeling better and after going to the pediatrician, they agreed she'd stay home the next day.  I asked my Mom if I should take an earlier flight. She said enjoy my morning and she'd be with Makenzie. The next morning, I attempted to "enjoy the time" while running the Leif Erickson trails with my dear friend, Sheri.  However, my gut wasn't feeling right.  It was heavy and I had an inkling something was off.  Upon calling Mom at the airport, she said Makenzie seemed dehydrated and that when I got home we should have her checked up again.  The less than two hour flight felt like ten hours.  Even with my Mom saying Makenzie just seemed dehydrated, my Mother instinct was on overload.  It was like I was being guided by airplane controllers waving their lights signaling, "All factors point towards your daughter being really sick. Be ready to run off the plane to take care of her".

My Dad picked me up from the airport, and as he pulled in front of my house I booked it inside to see Makenzie. My Mom looked at me and said, "Erin she isn't doing well and still can't keep things down. She just started the mouth bubbles after the last time we talked. I think she is sicker than stomach flu." Her eyes were as big as saucers, little face was foaming at the mouth, skin pale, body warm but extremities cold and she had no recognition of me.  Her mother. The woman who carried her for 9 months and nurtured her every day since birth. I held her and said nervously to my own Mom, "She isn't good Mom. She seems like it could be more than dehydration. I think we should go to Children's Hospital to give her fluids".  As my Dad drove the car, I said out loud with a focused tone I didn't know I possessed, "It has to be dehydration. I left 2 days ago with a dynamic 6 year old who was swimming alongside me, and now she seems so weak.  She must need to just keep her fluids down."  I had no idea how hard her strong little body had been working to fight off all the demons of broken down organs. Calling the pediatrician en route, I was rubbing Makenzie's hand hoping she'd recognize me. She didn't.

Hospital Life - 9.23.2010-12.16.2010

When we arrived at Children's Hospital Oakland, the nurses took Makenzie's vitals. While doing so, she shook like mad and had a seizure.  That seizure rushed us to the ER into a myriad of medical mayhem.  Makenzie was taken from my arms, laid on the table, and tubes started going in and out of her.  I maintained my calm, praying in my heart and mind to my God...Please let her be strong.  What is going on God, please let my Miracle be strong. Let her know we love her and let her please hear our voices.  I continued to talk to Makenzie as her eyes wandered through the faces above her, not knowing what was going on, but so out of her own body that she couldn't wince in pain.  My Dad had joined in the room than and stood behind me.  He rubbed my back with his big hands attempting to provide comfort, doing this while I rubbed Bug's legs simultaneously, hoping my touch could heal her body too.

Medical terms, questions, big words, talking above Makenzie's head, whispered conversations amongst the doctors, and a feeling of the unknown.  You could feel the room's nerves, since the medical team had no idea what was going on with Makenzie.  Every few minutes another pediatric specialist came in to do a test they could use to rule out the unknown.  When Jack arrived rushing in from work 30 minutes later, there was still no idea. The next hours felt like years.  Makenzie's body couldn't hold anything in.  It was breaking down. Each organ had decided to fail and not work together.  We are a TEAM, our little family unit, and her little team of a body decided to disagree with....each...organ.

Courage = Embracing Life's Challenges

Guilt began to rise within me.  What if she didn't recognize me again? What if she had gotten an infection to  her brain? What if I hadn't gone away and stayed home with the girls?  What if her body was breaking down and wouldn't come back? What if ....so many what ifs rose up and enveloped my mind. While doing so, my inner voice screamed, "Don't go there Erin. DO NOT allow those thoughts to enter your body".

Beautiful Miracle- 8.16.2012

The pain of watching your helpless child, and not being able to connect with them, is an experience I don't wish upon anyone.  To stand there, praying they can hear your voice to calm them, praying that if it is their last moments in the world they could feel your love cradling their body is a living nightmare.  It is a feeling that now, almost 2 years after it happened, I sometimes still experience.  It is a feeling that doesn't wash away with countless showers, or with therapy sessions. Only with time.  It is one that likes to present itself when you think of the date that forever changed your life.

But it is also a time when you learn miracles do exist! It is a date that I associate with strength and courage, because on that date, we found out on a deeper level what our daughter was made of. It is a date that allowed me to trust my inner Mom voice.  It is a date that cemented Jack's and my partnership as parents, knowing we would not let our daughters down when they needed us most.  It is a date that even with haunting me, reminds me how far Makenzie has come.  

While watching her playing tag on the playground yesterday, pink leggings tight on her round buns, I felt grateful.  Another Mom asked me how she was doing, I said with a smile, "Look at her. She is doing incredible and taking it each day as it comes.  She knows what happened in a more mature level now, but she also is aware of how strong she is and what she is capable of overcoming."   I believe, September 23rd reminds us all of that.


Visit the Believe in ME Foundation to help provide quality childcare for siblings of hospitalized kids.

Cuddling Monkey

Emerson is my sweet cuddly Monkey.  She holds on so tight when going to bed and makes you feel beyond special.  Each night Emerson wants to read 3 books and will not fall asleep unless someone, most often me, is laying beside her cuddling tight. She puts both arms around my neck, pulls my head to her chest and breaths in about 10 breaths. By that point, she is in dreamland.

Sometimes it can be hard at night when thinking of what I have to get done to prep for the next morning timewise, but the nights I don't lay with E I end up regretting it.  We have said over time we will get her sleeping on her own again, but we haven't done it yet.  Maybe it is guilt from missing so many nights last Fall with E at home when Bug was at UCSF? Or maybe it is Jack and I know time is passing so fast and we don't want to lose any of these moments being "requested to snuggle" by our kids? 

Whatever it is, I know I cherish the words and sweet touches shared between us. I love feeling her little hands pull me tight for a hug; knowing that the hug is what calms her and brings her a nightly bit of peace for sweet dreams.  The snuggles are not only a means for her to feel secure, loved and safe...but for me too.

Emerson Talking loves
* I decided to record E's voice last night to have these sweet memories forever

Noodle Swimming

I can still visualize the moment I looked over and saw the sea turtle staring at me.  That turtle made me think a lot about focus and swimming through the "noodles".

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was training in Poipu, Kauai, and my body was getting limp.  I had done 100 burpees in the sand, 100 sand liners, countless push ups/squats and dive bomb push ups.  The beach was quiet at 6:30 am, it was the surfers and me.  Nobody else on the beach, the waves were nice and not to intense.  After doing sand training, I dove into the water to swim 7 lengths back and forth in the bay at the Wai 'o Hai.  I figured time wise it was equivalent to 1.3-1.5 miles and the Pacific Grove Tri is 1 mile.  Thus, perfect distance for training and for being in my happy place.  Swimming in open water is much more challenging than the pool, but incredibly powerful for the spirit. At least it is for mine.

I was born with the love of open water, started swim team at age 5 since I couldn't wait to hop whenever in my swimsuit...or without. I didn't care but for as long as I know water has been my healing place. It's where I feel strong, powerful, at one with myself and at peace.  It is different than running for me.  When swimming the methodic rhythm of moving one arm in front of the other, with only my inner thoughts to hear, eases me.  Jack learned this early on, and on days when I seem a bit stressed he encourages me to run to the Club and go for a swim, knowing that after I am bound to come home depleted like a wet noodle but with incredible inner peace.  My husband knows me to well and as often as I want to fight it, is right in regards to knowing what my body needs at times more than I do.

Thus, I dove into the water on this morning, stroke by stroke was feeling my lats and deltoids work.  My core felt strong, in addition to my hamstrings as I was kicking.  While swimming I was lucky enough to look at Parrot Fish, Angel Fish, the Hawaiian State Fish-Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, and many other fish and sea cucumbers.  During this time my mind started going to the question that seems to be on many of our dear friends and acquaintances thoughts these days.  The question of, "It has been almost one year since Makenzie got sick.  How is she doing and aren't you so happy it is all behind you?".  What they don't realize is how loaded the question is.  While I want to jump up and down and scream, "Life is perfect and she is forever healed!!!", it is not the case.  Is it as bad as the hospital days, heck no! We are beyond blessed and grateful for the rest of our lives that we are a solid family of four.  We have both our daughters at home with us, stronger each day, and getting more and more independent than we want to admit.  But is it all behind us, not yet, and it will be a process before it is entirely, if ever.

While we came home from the hospital right before Christmas, we have fought a long battle since.  We have learned how to live together as a family of four again.  We have learned what our real schedule of life is like with a preschooler and elementary school kid.  We learned that we all cope with stress and the various medical concerns of Makenzie differently...and it is OK.  We learned that medical bills suck, and 8 months of attempting to work hard at paying them off combined with still catching up on Emerson's medical bills when she was sick combined with a few lay offs and relocation will take a while to overcome, but is our life.  Are any of these situations horrible and horrendous in our opinion - heck no!!!  Are they trying- heck yes!!! Is that a bad thing, no, but a challenging thing when people assume months at home equal easiness of day to day life again. We are all forever changed.

Thus back to swimming.  I started to get tired on the 6th out and back. While a competitive person, I began to question if I could make it to the 7th out and back. My arms felt like wet noodles and my mind was following.  I started to feel physically and emotionally spent.  I continued my freestyle towards the sandbar and looked over at a moving object.  At that very instant I saw a sea turtle look right at me.  This turtle, I'll name him Fred, looked me directly in the eye.  He started to swim towards me and I swam a bit deeper to look right at him.  Fred swam towards the rocks and then swam back towards me.  For those of you who know me, you know I love sea turtles like I love my family.  I even have a  sea turtle tattoo that my own daughters want to emulate (when they are 30 I say!), on my back and will swim with them at any chance.  This turtle got me.  I was depleted, so depleted. And he came to me at that moment just starting me down. He went out and came back, almost to make sure I was there. He was peaceful, and I swam up and down with him for a while. Fred, the turtle, was playing in his own way.  He also, without realizing it, stood for something.  That is inspiration.  The inspiration to never give up home and to always be at peace. To me, that is what I felt.

After we played for about 7-10 minutes Fred swam away and I continued on.  That little bit of Sea Turtle inspiration gave me the energy to swim the rest of the 6th out and back and finish the 7th out and back.  It also gave me the strength to allow myself to think all of my thoughts through in regards to the question "Are we OK, and it is it all behind us now?".  Yes, life has grown and moved on. But in the past 8 months, Jack and I have learned to fight and love each other on a deeper level, both healing in our own ways.  Emerson has developed night terrors crying for her sister to stay home, and not lose her pink blanket.  She has developed a fear of doctors offices and all things attached to them...even going with me to a knee MD appointment.  She thinks doctors equate her family going to the hospital. Makenzie is stronger than ever.  She is also fearful that when she shows symptoms of distress it means she will be back in UCSF in minutes. She downplays the smallest cold (with highest fever), and on the days leading to our plane trip to Kauai she had stomach issues but said they were nothing. My inner core was full of nerves but I tried to downplay it on the outside for Makenzie's sake.  I was on the phone with her medical team and she was almost admitted.  Jack has been working tons and doesn't like to talk about when Makenzie was sick, about how it has affected our life, but only when she is well. He doesn't wants to discuss the potential(most likely reality) of Type 1 Diabetes right now, nor think that anything else can happen.  We are all coping differently and growing as we move on.

That being said, we really know how to LIVE each moment now. We know not to sweat SMALL things and to have faith that things will work out. We know that money is money, and keeping up with the Joneses isn't part of who we are or want to be, even though we are in the busier Bay Area and it's easy to get caught up in that.  We again learned LIFE is the most important thing, as are the MOMENTS we have with each other.

Yes, I thought of all of that when swimming.  I know, my mind can be on overload quite a lot. But it is at these times that life gives us moments of inspiration.  And that is what the Sea Turtle, Fred, gave me.  He inspired me to keep moving on and keep moving my body. He gave me focus again on what I was to do and where my place was at the moment.

MY own life is evolving, as is yours, every moment.  Sometimes I want to hold onto the moment where I am at for fear that moving forward means potential for more questions that go unanswered.  But after swimming and feeling my inner strength, I again felt the notion to always move forward with noodle arms and all.  Even in moments of weakness, an inner deep strength will pull through and make all of us stronger in the end.

Emerson-Ramona-E-Miss Magoo-Monkey

Dynamic Emerson, my little bundle of energy and independence started Preschool on January 4th! It was huge, and a needed growth change for her. She was nervous and wanted to be as princess like as possible wearing her favorite green dress, tights and party shoes, and a grown up barrette in her hair. She packed her Dora backpack, making sure to include coloring books and a camera. Cuddling Baby Sita as tight as possible all morning, Emerson saw the other kids didn't have their dolls with them and asked me to put Baby Sita in her backpack so she was close enough to touch, but away so she can be like the other "big" kids.  From the beginning, Emerson has always had a sparkle and that sparkle of delight was in her eyes. She became a preschooler while I became a Mom with both of my kidlets in "school".

I can't believe she is almost 3, but then again, I lost 3.5 months from "being" with my youngest daughter all the time. Emerson is my buddy, and I have prided myself and trying to strike a work-balance to remember every ounce of who she is. She has many nicknames, all that suit her perfectly.  Ramona, Miss Magoo, E and Monkey.  They all describe how silly, spirited, loving, curious and adventurous she is.  She is also a BIG miracle, like her big sister, and actually paved the way for Makenzie to know what being in a hospital is like. From the day we left the hospital the final time with Emerson, I vowed to work at changing my teaching schedule, business and life and "be fully present" with Emerson at all times. Of course that is a lot to ask of any person, let alone business owning parent, but after almost losing Emerson when an infant and  losing 3. 5 months with her, there is no time to pass by without embracing it.  And I have, and it is hard at times, but so delicious in the same. Changing my own schedule for teaching and training clients allows me more time with Emerson in the mornings. I now teach and train all clients between 4 am-8 am which allows more time in the day. When she is not in school we are taking each morning as it comes, and the days she is in school we have more time to dawdle as we walk or run home. This past Tuesday she asked if I could bring her Barbie scooter when picking her up, which I did, and she lasted 15 minutes trying to scoot independently before she hopped in the jogging stroller.  I was trying to capture each image of Emerson scooting along in her fancy twirly skirt, purple helmet, pink Vans and a smile as big as her face.  If only our lives had a permanent video playing above us to take these images in.

Emerson turns 3 on Tuesday... 3 Years old!! Her little birthday celebration is tomorrow and I am excited for it to be ALL about Emerson for the day. She has talked about wanting a Zoo Birthday party, what cupcakes to make, and what dress she want to wear. On Friday we went to Target to pick out goodie bag swag, Dora gear and pink everything. To have this basic time with E doesn't replace the months lost to juggling taking care of Bug, but they are times we are both craving right now. Just craving the feeling of being around each other to hear each others voices or hold each others hands walking down the street.  Like any kid, Emerson needs her Mom as much as her Mom needs and craves her. So I take this time, even when they are trying and her independent firecracker self shines through, because I can't get any of our lost time back.

Cherish, is what I am doing, cherishing Miss E as she turns the magical 3 and wants to play with Me!

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