23

Fall is the season in our house that holds deep significance.  Each leaf that falls from the tree is a meaning of life evolving, and how time passes.  With each Season comes brilliance, energy and hope for what it holds.  For me, September is a heartfelt time.  Interestingly enough, it resonates with other friends whom are close to us, and many school friends.  This past week on the playground, 12 different friends have asked how Makenzie's health is doing.  Trying to sound strong while being real, I share, "She is doing great and shows no symptoms of even having Type 1 Diabetes yet.  We take it as it comes and for now, she is a walking miracle. She rocks her 1/3 pancreas like it's nobody's business".

But honestly, I look at the Fall date of September 23rd as a marker. September 23rd, 2010, is when I rushed Makenzie to the hospital. It is a date that forever changed my entire families life. It's a date when my oldest daughter didn't recognize me at all.  It is when I looked at her big eyes, trying to stare into her soul, and thought her soul was being lifted away from me.

Flag catching, 9.20.2010

I had been in Portland for the Power MOB business conference from September 21-23rd. Honestly, it was an excuse to visit my heart city and be with some of my best girlfriends.  Rarely do I get away without the kids. While in Portland, Makenzie had fallen ill with stomach flu on September 22nd.  Keeping in constant touch with Jack and my Mom, they said to stay in Portland and enjoy myself.  As the day progressed, Jack shared she wasn't feeling better and after going to the pediatrician, they agreed she'd stay home the next day.  I asked my Mom if I should take an earlier flight. She said enjoy my morning and she'd be with Makenzie. The next morning, I attempted to "enjoy the time" while running the Leif Erickson trails with my dear friend, Sheri.  However, my gut wasn't feeling right.  It was heavy and I had an inkling something was off.  Upon calling Mom at the airport, she said Makenzie seemed dehydrated and that when I got home we should have her checked up again.  The less than two hour flight felt like ten hours.  Even with my Mom saying Makenzie just seemed dehydrated, my Mother instinct was on overload.  It was like I was being guided by airplane controllers waving their lights signaling, "All factors point towards your daughter being really sick. Be ready to run off the plane to take care of her".

My Dad picked me up from the airport, and as he pulled in front of my house I booked it inside to see Makenzie. My Mom looked at me and said, "Erin she isn't doing well and still can't keep things down. She just started the mouth bubbles after the last time we talked. I think she is sicker than stomach flu." Her eyes were as big as saucers, little face was foaming at the mouth, skin pale, body warm but extremities cold and she had no recognition of me.  Her mother. The woman who carried her for 9 months and nurtured her every day since birth. I held her and said nervously to my own Mom, "She isn't good Mom. She seems like it could be more than dehydration. I think we should go to Children's Hospital to give her fluids".  As my Dad drove the car, I said out loud with a focused tone I didn't know I possessed, "It has to be dehydration. I left 2 days ago with a dynamic 6 year old who was swimming alongside me, and now she seems so weak.  She must need to just keep her fluids down."  I had no idea how hard her strong little body had been working to fight off all the demons of broken down organs. Calling the pediatrician en route, I was rubbing Makenzie's hand hoping she'd recognize me. She didn't.

Hospital Life - 9.23.2010-12.16.2010

When we arrived at Children's Hospital Oakland, the nurses took Makenzie's vitals. While doing so, she shook like mad and had a seizure.  That seizure rushed us to the ER into a myriad of medical mayhem.  Makenzie was taken from my arms, laid on the table, and tubes started going in and out of her.  I maintained my calm, praying in my heart and mind to my God...Please let her be strong.  What is going on God, please let my Miracle be strong. Let her know we love her and let her please hear our voices.  I continued to talk to Makenzie as her eyes wandered through the faces above her, not knowing what was going on, but so out of her own body that she couldn't wince in pain.  My Dad had joined in the room than and stood behind me.  He rubbed my back with his big hands attempting to provide comfort, doing this while I rubbed Bug's legs simultaneously, hoping my touch could heal her body too.

Medical terms, questions, big words, talking above Makenzie's head, whispered conversations amongst the doctors, and a feeling of the unknown.  You could feel the room's nerves, since the medical team had no idea what was going on with Makenzie.  Every few minutes another pediatric specialist came in to do a test they could use to rule out the unknown.  When Jack arrived rushing in from work 30 minutes later, there was still no idea. The next hours felt like years.  Makenzie's body couldn't hold anything in.  It was breaking down. Each organ had decided to fail and not work together.  We are a TEAM, our little family unit, and her little team of a body decided to disagree with....each...organ.

Courage = Embracing Life's Challenges

Guilt began to rise within me.  What if she didn't recognize me again? What if she had gotten an infection to  her brain? What if I hadn't gone away and stayed home with the girls?  What if her body was breaking down and wouldn't come back? What if ....so many what ifs rose up and enveloped my mind. While doing so, my inner voice screamed, "Don't go there Erin. DO NOT allow those thoughts to enter your body".

Beautiful Miracle- 8.16.2012

The pain of watching your helpless child, and not being able to connect with them, is an experience I don't wish upon anyone.  To stand there, praying they can hear your voice to calm them, praying that if it is their last moments in the world they could feel your love cradling their body is a living nightmare.  It is a feeling that now, almost 2 years after it happened, I sometimes still experience.  It is a feeling that doesn't wash away with countless showers, or with therapy sessions. Only with time.  It is one that likes to present itself when you think of the date that forever changed your life.

But it is also a time when you learn miracles do exist! It is a date that I associate with strength and courage, because on that date, we found out on a deeper level what our daughter was made of. It is a date that allowed me to trust my inner Mom voice.  It is a date that cemented Jack's and my partnership as parents, knowing we would not let our daughters down when they needed us most.  It is a date that even with haunting me, reminds me how far Makenzie has come.  

While watching her playing tag on the playground yesterday, pink leggings tight on her round buns, I felt grateful.  Another Mom asked me how she was doing, I said with a smile, "Look at her. She is doing incredible and taking it each day as it comes.  She knows what happened in a more mature level now, but she also is aware of how strong she is and what she is capable of overcoming."   I believe, September 23rd reminds us all of that.


Visit the Believe in ME Foundation to help provide quality childcare for siblings of hospitalized kids.

Bikini

Summer is almost here and with that highlights body image issues for every female.  Why do we worry about our bodies so much- how they look, jiggle, move, jump, plump, flop or lift?  When eating healthy diets and exercising daily, why do we stress if our bodies can't fight gravity the way we want them to?  Where do these insecurities come from, and how can we help our daughters avoid them?

When we lived in LA, we had a blast but knew that it wasn't where we wanted to raise our daughter.  When Makenzie was born, we picked 5 cities to move to by the time she was to be 5 years old. We beat that timing and moved to Portland, a city of incredible body acceptance, when Makenzie was shy of 4 months old.  The move was significant in Makenzie's first years of life, and my months being postnatal and getting stronger again.  In LA when pregnant, I felt ginormous. I was in the fitness industry, and while active I can vividly remember some gentleman with beer bellies at the club I worked at, asking if I was having twins.  Exactly what a 5'1" 28 year old wants to hear, especially when she is surrounded by tall soap stars and "stars in their own mind" LA peeps every day.  Even being active, we knew it wasn't the healthiest place for us to raise a daughter.  And having had an eating disorder in Junior High and High School, if we could prevent any external pressures on body image for our kid, I was determined we would.

Thus Portland- it was great! While a female can never escape the media, in Portland so many women are encouraged and accepted for being rockstar athletes.  The confidence in who you are and how you hold yourself flourishes when amongst women who are just happy to BE themselves. Mind you, when in Portland, we were constantly surrounded by other men and women who lived healthy lifestyles since many of our friends were clients and trainers from my fitness businesses. They drank the same "health and fitness" juice that we did; living the life of athletes with kids.

2010 Summer -Lake Tahoe- Swimsuit pride!

When in Portland, I actually became more confident in my own body.  I don't know if it was the ability to feel solid and strong after 2 c-sections, if it was being inspired by the consistent runners I saw every morning in Forest Park or climbing Mt. Tabor stairs with an Ergo and my babies on my back.  We all moved because it felt "good to do", and for me I wanted to identify with my athlete self in addition to my Mom self.  With that comfort in my own skin, I gained even more confidence in my own training and teaching abilities.  It led to not just knowing I was an athlete, but feeling my body could push itself harder than I thought possible.  I knew it would hurt, but so many others were training too and to train among some of the best in the world made me push harder. My times got faster which led to me getting more and more inspired.  I LOVED, and still do, knowing that Makenzie (and later Emerson) would only know their Mom as someone who ran, rode, swam and trained all the time.  They don't know anything but being a female means being strong and embracing your solid legs, smaller chest, and strong back.  They know it means you exercise when you first wake up to kick off your day and your metabolism; that you use your body for your vehicle by riding or running to do errands and visit friends.

Every Summer, we made our daily run or ride to the swimming pool. When the girls had lessons I would swim laps,  always peaking over in between strokes.  I loved watching them jump comfortably in their swimsuits, bum cheeks popping out in their suit bottoms and not caring at all.  I relished seeing them joyful as they were moving all over the swimming pool. We swam for hours and would play in the adjacent Grant Park until the sun went down.  Continuously it was my goal to tell them how strong their bodies were, how incredible their bodies were for doing big jumps and swimming with big rainbow arms.  I was focused, and will forever be, in making sure they know their body is a gift and to embrace all it has to offer.

pool joy

It is hard as a Mom to do that at times, since everyone has days where they don't feel "right" in their own skin. Guys want to be a bit stronger with bigger shoulders while ladies are eager for a flat stomach and bums you could bounce quarters off of.   As a Mom, it evolves to the midsection.  As much core work as you do, you will forever have an altered core from growing beautiful little beings in you.  Even for those who train for hours, your body does change and it is part of nature.  It shouldn't be fought but embraced.

A few years back when teaching Baby Boot Camp, some of the boot campers were complaining about their cores and not being what they were pre-pregnancy.  I will never forget stopping them mid-run with a serious teaching voice and explaining how as a female one of the biggest jobs nobody tells you about is retraining your body how to work post childbirth.  But as you retrain, you will most likely be stronger than you were before kids and will be able to physically handle more than pre-children. A few of the ladies continued verbalizing their frustrations and said we, the instructors, didn't know what it was like since we were in shape.  At that, 2 other instructors and myself lifted our workout tanks and showed the gals our stomachs.  While all were strong and toned, we also had a bit of skin shift at the belly button or lower abdomen from c-sections.  Even with strong solid stomachs, we all did have children and embraced our bodies for doing so.  We also tried to not focus on it, but focus on how many push ups we could do, how fast we could run, how high we could jump, or how our weeks' were better for exercising together.

Last week we were getting ready to swim and Makenzie made a comment about being fat in a swimsuit. My jaw dropped to the ground and immediately we discussed how beautiful her strong body was. She said it not with worry, but in a matter of fact manner.  Emerson was standing beside me and said loudly, "Makenzie you are not fat! You are strong and can swim like a mermaid". Proud Mama moment to hear Emerson talk, but mixed moment to hear Makenzie's words.  I asked where the comment came from and she said that at school some of the girls were talking about their bodies and since they said they felt fat, she did too.  So there we were, my two beautiful girls and myself in our bikinis, having a body image talk.  I told Makenzie that girls hear things about their bodies and shouldn't worry about it, but be so happy for strong bodies that can work incredibly!  Her body has gone through more than many do in a lifetime and is so stellar in all it has done and will continue to do.  We talked about all the dynamic things our bodies can do and how it doesn't matter how we look, but how we feel and to always be active and have fun with what bodies we were given.  I poked fun at myself for being short, but able to walk under tree branches without ducking. We pointed out our freckles, different eye colors and cool scars.  Then we walked to the pool standing tall and cannon balled into the water holding hands.

proud to be STRONG

I know I can't protect my daughters from external images and what the media presents regarding women and their bodies. But I can try my hardest, as can you, to encourage self acceptance and pride in the great bodies they(and all others) have been given.  There are not enough minutes in the day to spend worrying about not fitting into a specific model standard. Instead use what would be worry minutes to be physical and get the endorphin rush.  It is much more rewarding than 30 minutes spent contemplating one's boob or booty size.

Grab your bikini, your smile and head to the pool proudly.  You have an incredible body and now is your time to make it shine!!!!

Christmas Eve

** Emerson and Makenzie doing the Happy Dance in front of UCSF - 12.23.10 **

We are really home, Christmas Eve!! We had Makenzie's ultrasound today and got the best news that her pseudocyst is getting smaller! The nerves riding on this ultrasound brought my stomach to knots every day, Jack calling every bit to hear results, and Makenzie nervously talking a mile a minute to the ultrasound tech about everything ranging from her scars to Santa. When we hopped out of the car leaving Emerson with my sister, Auntie BB, Emerson started screaming since she was scared we were staying in the hospital again. All of us were waiting for the moment to hear the pseudocyst was smaller...and it came at 3:57 pm. While we knew we would deal accordingly if it had grown or stayed stagnant equating a visit to stay at UCSF for Christmas, we are so very grateful to have been given the gift of time together at home.

Some people think that when you get to go home, you are "HOME" and able to just move on to life as it was. But 3 months have passed, and we have a new life that has shifted in so many ways we can't describe. We are all forever changed....forever knowing that life is more precious and the biggest events can happen instantaneously. I will take all those ways though because I sit here in my favorite red chair, drinking mint tea and looking at our Christmas Tree with twinkle lights in our living room I know my two little beautiful babies are asleep upstairs in their own beds. We are lucky and while for whatever reason Makenzie was picked to endure an ultramarathon of medical challenges, we are all stronger and more deeply alive than ever before.

Little stressers of the holidays are just that, little! The big stressers are the kids unable to go home from UCSF for the holidays if ever. But also to me, the big stressers are people who never understand how precious life truly is and cherish the moments of sleeping cherub sweeties, mint tea and twinkle lights in a small house. They complain about what is not happening instead of relishing the life that is happening. One thing I am more sure than ever before is we can't control life, but can control how we appreciate and enjoy it.

Embrace every moment making silly messes in the kitchen with your family, being up with a sleeping baby who is in his/her own crib, sitting at a dinner table with disagreeing family members who make you laugh inside knowing why disagree when you know you won't see eye to eye ever but love each other...and linger longer in every twinkle light moment than you thought possible.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Let the love of each other fill you up as my family has filled me up. With peace, love, and eternal gratitude - Erin Kreitz Shirey