Definitely WILL

"We acquire the strength we have overcome." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Girls in the wheelchair ready for me to use!

It has been 11 days since both of my knees were operated to become "bionic".  While I know that in due time they will feel much better, I truly DO believe and understand that, I recently had a few days of "Pity Party Table of One".  The nerves of the surgery not "working", frustrations of not being able to rotate my feet and knees comfortably, angst of pain while sleeping, and the lack of endorphin rush I get from exercising were starting to wear on me.  BUT I am blown away with how great I have felt too!  The first day I could walk...yes I used the walker, but I was able to walk a bit and hold myself up on both legs. Both of my knees were operated on...that felt wild.  The nurse said in her 9.5 years working at the surgery center, she only had one other patient have double knee surgery.  To compare he wasn't able to walk on both legs for a while.  I thought for sure the girls would be pushing me in the wheelchair, as they were to eager to call me their "old mama".

The first week I had meds in me...lots and lots of meds.  I was a good patient, taking them every 4 hours as prescribed.  I "signed" an agreement with my orthopedic surgeon that I would listen to my body and not do much.  I iced every 90 minutes for 60 minutes, and still am icing, A LOT!  The icing is good since it makes me sit down and "chill"...no pun intended.  I hadn't felt the urge to push it and exercise; I was overly focused on being a good patient and having a strong recovery.  This is a surgery that affects not only my knees for doing competitive sports; but my livelihood being a personal trainer and fitness business owner, my anxiety through healthy stress release in exercise and my ability to partake in many of our fun family active adventures. While it seems frustrating, I know it is temporary. It is interesting though, I had friends and family asking daily how I was holding on.  They know me way to well and have been phenomenal!  They were supportive and kind, curious if I was jonesing yet to take off and "go".  I felt ok until Christmas Eve.

Emerson riding to help pass out bread- She "Believes"

Day 6 had me eager to move and get out of our house.  We walked to Pappo to help at the Christmas Eve soup kitchen.  The girls rode their bikes and I was able to walk holding onto E's bike's handle bars.  We had planned on helping out for a long while and knowing it was only 1 mile to Park Street, I thought I'd be ok.  It felt SO GOOD to be out and helping other people.  TO help those in need and give them a smile. I may have been hobbling a bit from table to table, but the girls enjoyed it and knew they were fortunate.  While I may have been healing from my surgeries, I knew that we healed from being supported by family through jobloss related relocation or Makenzie's long term hospitalization last year.  Those we were helping aren't so fortunate and many, the girls found out, don't have families to love them. Yes it hurt when I got bopped while turning to pass a plate, or squeezing by a family to sit down.  But the message of how blessed we are was needed by all of us.

Icing in the office at Pappo- small price to help others 12.24.11

After Pappo my knees were a bit sore so I pulled back my walking. Christmas was full of fun, presents, painting and enjoying family.  I stopped the intense pain meds since they were to much on my system. Thus I enjoyed some needed wine.  Dad's wine tasting was much more appreciated because yes, it did help with some of the pain. We celebrated how far we have come and grateful we all are for the little things, with my brother, Tyler, throwing in some funny and lame comments of course, but  reinforcing again that the double knee surgery is temporary.

Day 10- feeling pain.  My post - op appointment was  rescheduled by Dr. Z on account of jury duty and is now scheduled for January 4th.  The eagerness to move has started to grow. Reading all the Facebook posts by my peer personal trainers to their clients, mapping out my own goals for my clients and the desire to focus on New GOALS for 2012 has started the bubbling to burst even bigger in my belly to train hard.  And yes, I do have a little belly now from not exercising for 11 days over the Holidays. Your body can shift, remember that peeps!  Use it or lose it!  This little tummy is temporary too, I do know, but the excitement for training has me excited and nervous.  Thus...the words Definitely and Will.  

The wise bicycling Makenzie- Age 7.5   Dec. 29, 2011

Yesterday on Day 10 we walked to the park with the girls. They rode their new bikes and for me, upon going to the park for the first time in 11 days, I felt a bit nervous.  I have felt stronger walking each day, but what about uneven bark chips. How would I hold up?  The imbalance was surprisingly ok, but I forgot I would have to say, "No I can't yet girls".  No to tag, no to monkey bars, no to pushing E on the swings, no to dinosaur tag.  So Makenzie asked me to try and do some push ups on the raised portion of the play structure.   Yes, she is my daughter and learned well.  I did. I started with 20... damn it felt good.  I did another 20 and then followed with 3 sets of 25.  I felt on top of the world and then....I felt my patellas from the pressure.  I had tried push ups a few days prior using our elevated steps to place my hands and relieve the body weight pressure.  It was too intense and painful on my knee caps.  But it was a positive physical step.  I looked over at Jack and started silently crying.  He was running, chasing a squeeling Emerson, and my heart felt heavy.  The thought of, "What if I did this surgery and it didn't work" passed through my head.  Since I was quiet I thought Makenzie didn't notice, but she did.

Makenzie's serious COACH face. "Definitely WILL"

Makenzie came over, looked at me straight in the face and pulled me to her chest in a tight hug. She released me and asked, " Mom, what is the matter?  Are you ok?". I said, "I am watching your Daddy run with Emerson and I hope I will be fast at running again. I hope that my surgery took and I will be faster at running and can race with you and your sister when you are older. I really hope so.".  Makenzie immediately grabbed my cheeks, and looked me straight in the eyes again.  She said:

" Mom, YOU know better than that. 

You replace Hope with Definite 

and So with WILL. 

There is NO HOPE SO. 

There is ONLY DEFINITELY WILL. 

YOU WILL BE FASTER AND STRONGER.

I PROMISE."

More tears now streaming down my cheeks and I smiled saying, "Makenzie, did I teach that to you? If so, you listened and great job on your timing, kid.". She responded, "No Mom, it's all from up here (pointing to her brain). But you can use it if you want since it's true." Ah, Makenzie,  what a wise soul. I feel so grateful she was a miracle blessed to my life. 

NOW, for all of you wishing to make goals for 2012 happen, think of a wise 7.5 year old. Don't ever say: HOPE and SO.  But you say, "I DEFINITELY WILL!".  

Much love and many goals and challenges to overcome to make us stronger in the New Year~ 

Erin Kreitz Shirey

Noodle Swimming

I can still visualize the moment I looked over and saw the sea turtle staring at me.  That turtle made me think a lot about focus and swimming through the "noodles".

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was training in Poipu, Kauai, and my body was getting limp.  I had done 100 burpees in the sand, 100 sand liners, countless push ups/squats and dive bomb push ups.  The beach was quiet at 6:30 am, it was the surfers and me.  Nobody else on the beach, the waves were nice and not to intense.  After doing sand training, I dove into the water to swim 7 lengths back and forth in the bay at the Wai 'o Hai.  I figured time wise it was equivalent to 1.3-1.5 miles and the Pacific Grove Tri is 1 mile.  Thus, perfect distance for training and for being in my happy place.  Swimming in open water is much more challenging than the pool, but incredibly powerful for the spirit. At least it is for mine.

I was born with the love of open water, started swim team at age 5 since I couldn't wait to hop whenever in my swimsuit...or without. I didn't care but for as long as I know water has been my healing place. It's where I feel strong, powerful, at one with myself and at peace.  It is different than running for me.  When swimming the methodic rhythm of moving one arm in front of the other, with only my inner thoughts to hear, eases me.  Jack learned this early on, and on days when I seem a bit stressed he encourages me to run to the Club and go for a swim, knowing that after I am bound to come home depleted like a wet noodle but with incredible inner peace.  My husband knows me to well and as often as I want to fight it, is right in regards to knowing what my body needs at times more than I do.

Thus, I dove into the water on this morning, stroke by stroke was feeling my lats and deltoids work.  My core felt strong, in addition to my hamstrings as I was kicking.  While swimming I was lucky enough to look at Parrot Fish, Angel Fish, the Hawaiian State Fish-Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, and many other fish and sea cucumbers.  During this time my mind started going to the question that seems to be on many of our dear friends and acquaintances thoughts these days.  The question of, "It has been almost one year since Makenzie got sick.  How is she doing and aren't you so happy it is all behind you?".  What they don't realize is how loaded the question is.  While I want to jump up and down and scream, "Life is perfect and she is forever healed!!!", it is not the case.  Is it as bad as the hospital days, heck no! We are beyond blessed and grateful for the rest of our lives that we are a solid family of four.  We have both our daughters at home with us, stronger each day, and getting more and more independent than we want to admit.  But is it all behind us, not yet, and it will be a process before it is entirely, if ever.

While we came home from the hospital right before Christmas, we have fought a long battle since.  We have learned how to live together as a family of four again.  We have learned what our real schedule of life is like with a preschooler and elementary school kid.  We learned that we all cope with stress and the various medical concerns of Makenzie differently...and it is OK.  We learned that medical bills suck, and 8 months of attempting to work hard at paying them off combined with still catching up on Emerson's medical bills when she was sick combined with a few lay offs and relocation will take a while to overcome, but is our life.  Are any of these situations horrible and horrendous in our opinion - heck no!!!  Are they trying- heck yes!!! Is that a bad thing, no, but a challenging thing when people assume months at home equal easiness of day to day life again. We are all forever changed.

Thus back to swimming.  I started to get tired on the 6th out and back. While a competitive person, I began to question if I could make it to the 7th out and back. My arms felt like wet noodles and my mind was following.  I started to feel physically and emotionally spent.  I continued my freestyle towards the sandbar and looked over at a moving object.  At that very instant I saw a sea turtle look right at me.  This turtle, I'll name him Fred, looked me directly in the eye.  He started to swim towards me and I swam a bit deeper to look right at him.  Fred swam towards the rocks and then swam back towards me.  For those of you who know me, you know I love sea turtles like I love my family.  I even have a  sea turtle tattoo that my own daughters want to emulate (when they are 30 I say!), on my back and will swim with them at any chance.  This turtle got me.  I was depleted, so depleted. And he came to me at that moment just starting me down. He went out and came back, almost to make sure I was there. He was peaceful, and I swam up and down with him for a while. Fred, the turtle, was playing in his own way.  He also, without realizing it, stood for something.  That is inspiration.  The inspiration to never give up home and to always be at peace. To me, that is what I felt.

After we played for about 7-10 minutes Fred swam away and I continued on.  That little bit of Sea Turtle inspiration gave me the energy to swim the rest of the 6th out and back and finish the 7th out and back.  It also gave me the strength to allow myself to think all of my thoughts through in regards to the question "Are we OK, and it is it all behind us now?".  Yes, life has grown and moved on. But in the past 8 months, Jack and I have learned to fight and love each other on a deeper level, both healing in our own ways.  Emerson has developed night terrors crying for her sister to stay home, and not lose her pink blanket.  She has developed a fear of doctors offices and all things attached to them...even going with me to a knee MD appointment.  She thinks doctors equate her family going to the hospital. Makenzie is stronger than ever.  She is also fearful that when she shows symptoms of distress it means she will be back in UCSF in minutes. She downplays the smallest cold (with highest fever), and on the days leading to our plane trip to Kauai she had stomach issues but said they were nothing. My inner core was full of nerves but I tried to downplay it on the outside for Makenzie's sake.  I was on the phone with her medical team and she was almost admitted.  Jack has been working tons and doesn't like to talk about when Makenzie was sick, about how it has affected our life, but only when she is well. He doesn't wants to discuss the potential(most likely reality) of Type 1 Diabetes right now, nor think that anything else can happen.  We are all coping differently and growing as we move on.

That being said, we really know how to LIVE each moment now. We know not to sweat SMALL things and to have faith that things will work out. We know that money is money, and keeping up with the Joneses isn't part of who we are or want to be, even though we are in the busier Bay Area and it's easy to get caught up in that.  We again learned LIFE is the most important thing, as are the MOMENTS we have with each other.

Yes, I thought of all of that when swimming.  I know, my mind can be on overload quite a lot. But it is at these times that life gives us moments of inspiration.  And that is what the Sea Turtle, Fred, gave me.  He inspired me to keep moving on and keep moving my body. He gave me focus again on what I was to do and where my place was at the moment.

MY own life is evolving, as is yours, every moment.  Sometimes I want to hold onto the moment where I am at for fear that moving forward means potential for more questions that go unanswered.  But after swimming and feeling my inner strength, I again felt the notion to always move forward with noodle arms and all.  Even in moments of weakness, an inner deep strength will pull through and make all of us stronger in the end.

Lucky 14

I was running with Emerson yesterday celebrating...it was January 14th, one month exactly that Makenzie was released from UCSF and she has stayed home since! Huge! The date December 14 we marked on the calendar since we came home that night, and circled January 14 as one month after. It is etched in my head especially since it includes the number 14, which is Jack's lucky number, and my due date with Makenzie was April 14, 2003. She has gone back to UCSF for appointments, for tests, ultrasounds and to visit her sweet friend Ryan but she has come home each night to her own bed. Mind you, she has been sleeping in our bed a lot since she has come home, eager to be close and feel safe. But she is under our roof and the four of us are home as a family. So Emerson and I took off for me to run, E to sing to us, and to finish by picking up Makenzie at school.

It was incredibly bright with sunshine dripping down on us. You wouldn't believe it was January, and not only that it was a Friday too which always feels like a day of celebration. We started out on one of my favorite runs from our house: along Pearl with the cute California bungalos, down to Shoreline Drive and along the waterfront, to Crown Beach, and initially I wanted to go further but then realized I had only 15 minutes to get back to pick up Makenzie. Whoops, on my part with time! Emerson had been singing to me and then stopped. I had an inkling she was asleep, peaked in and she was conked out holding Baby Sita (her favorite doll) with her pink baby blanket pulled up to her chin. I look at E and melt every time, she is my little buddy and being a celebration day I couldn't help but feel such joy and celebrate E too. As I turned around to run back, it was more like blast back ... this is where my sprint training comes through... making sure I am on time to pick up Bug from school.

Since E was asleep and our singing and chatter stopped, I started to think my deeper thoughts, and my mind went to how far Makenzie has come in one month. We left the hospital and were so excited, but Makenzie's real healing has happened at home. She is learning how to feel "normal". She has gotten real uninterrupted sleep, been able to rest when she needs to, have quiet time playing with Barbies, read stories to Emerson and gradually gained an appetite again. Through helping Makenzie heal, we all have been healing a little bit. We've also been learning how to work together again as a family of 4 and support each others' nerves as they pop through. But it is this time, actually the past 2 weeks that Makenzie has been in school and Emerson started preschool, that I really am digesting all that has gone on and all Makenzie has overcome. I've said the entire journey that Makenzie is incredibly brave, courageous and has the most incredible love oozing from her. But damn, she seriously rocks and is so brave!

I looked at my watch when at the end of the beach, still one mile plus to go and saw I had 6 minutes until the bell would ring. Being an early dismissal day, it was the first day Makenzie would be leaving with her class verses picked up early since she's been back to school. I was so excited to see her walk out of room #103's door with her classmates so my legs turned into speed wheels, and I pushed the jogger as fast as I could. Phew, made it to the school yard, pulled up to the classroom door with a smile on my face but sweat dripping down my back and there bounds out Makenzie with a huge grin from ear to ear. A quick, "Hi Mom! Casey and I can't wait for our playdate tonight, but I'm going to play tag now. Ok?". She ran to PLAY TAG...one month after leaving the hospital, 2 weeks into starting school again and Makenzie can play tag with her friends in the small play-yard. My eyes were welled with tears watching her sweet self, she oozed joy and happiness. Listening to "eenie meenie miney mo, catch a tiger by it's toe...." as the kids were picking who would be "it" again was music to my ears. Normal kid noises are part of our life again, not just beeps and medical lingo. Wahoo!

After Makenzie played for about 5 minutes her energy window was used up, but her blissful window was still open. She launched over to me, took my hand and we started walking home planning our afternoon and her dinner playdate with Casey. One month marker, big month of events, and many more months to go. I know I won't ever feel secure until Makenzie's pseudocyst is completely gone and there is an answer why this happened, but one month has passed since we left UCSF's 4th floor and we are all moving along to our new normal. Go Makenzie go...my little rockstar.

No such thing as the end, there are only new beginnings- Parenthood

Running Through Pain

Something that has hit me again and again when out running is how I couldn't take Makenzie'e pain away. As a parent, all you want to do is take away your child's pain, and pass it into you. You don't want to see them in pain, hear how they ache, see them wince at needles or close their eyes because they can't fathom what's next. You want to say "It will be ok, I promise", when you have no idea if that is true, so you don't. As Makenzie was in the hospital the past few months, I was brought to the realization that as much as I would run, it could help and heal me, but never help her the same way.

I have run through ALL of my life's challenges. When a sophomore in high school, I was struggling with an eating disorder I had been battling for 2 years and really was "beating" it. How I found strength and courage to do so was to run...I felt better and stronger after each run. I found that when my legs hit the pavement, a feeling overcame me that even if life was challenging, for those moments on the pavement or trails it would all be ok. Through my own experiences with an eating disorder and running, I realized I wanted to help women and girls with their self esteem through athletics. Hence, me choosing to study in Kinesiology. Then, in my own major that I loved so much, I was date raped my 4th year by a classmate in my department...so I really learned how to run far, long, and faster than I did throughout all my college years on Triathlon team. I healed through each run, stayed in school and finished my degree. There were many days I felt I needed to change schools from the school I loved so much...but I never did and kept on growing stronger each month.

During these times there were very close family friends who died unexpectedly. When all were mourning, I ran to heal. I hit the trails, did my favorite 6 mile loop in Alameda many times through, and came home with energy and open arms for hugging family tighter. When Jack and I miscarried at 15 weeks right after 2002 Thanksgiving break, my heart was so heavy. The next day, Jack handed me my running shoes when he was already laced up and we hit our favorite trail in Portland's Forest Park. I remember the day and run vividly. My Mom flew up to help and I can picture her face expression with a knowing Mom glance, and my husband's face with the pained look of not being able to help either of us but ALL of us understanding the best way to help heal was to run. When Emerson was sick at 7-9 weeks with RSV/Pneumonia/Pertusis, I couldn't leave the hospital ever but for quick bouts to be with Makenzie when family was with Emerson. I feared if I was gone for 30 minutes to run something would happen and we would lose her. But Jack knew me better and at day 8 of her hospital stay sent me home to hit the running trails. Even when Jack was laid off last year and we were trying to figure out what to do with no jobs on the horizon we decided to move back to California on a rainy and muddy run in Forest Park. It was saddening and heartbreaking to leave our trails knowing we had just decided to move back "home", but felt right since we made the tough decision with clear heads running. He has known me so well, knowing I have to run to heal-breath- get courage- strength- hope-feel invigorated-know joy-love- be inspired to get stronger and heal inside. I always have felt that way after ...running has been my best tool to help make life more digestible and understandable.

When Makenzie got sick, I have felt so much more unexpected pain than I wanted to. While I could feel better after running, I couldn't take away HER PAIN! My running wasn't able to help her the same way it could help me. I couldn't finish a run returning to the hospital and heal HER the same way I could work at healing me. I knew the entire time that in order for me to be the best Mom possible for Makenzie and Emerson my runs were as vital as eating nourishing food and drinking water. But with each run and watching Makenzie's body attempting to make miracles happen, I felt discouraged that I couldn't transfer her pain to me so I could run it out. I wasn't able to rub her back knowing that each touch equated peace and knowing all would be ok for Makenzie. But what I could do was run and come home with an inner strength to converse with the doctors, nurses, and many specialists with a clearer mind than when I left the hospital doors. From UCSF I could run to Ocean Beach and bring back shells to share with Makenzie, watching joy in her eyes as we would then imagine being in Hawaii. For those few moments she could mentally escape with me to be on a "beach in Hawaii looking for shells" as her body was fighting an infection within a huge pseudocyst. While I couldn't take her pain away from her body, I could help her run with me to new places allowing her to thrive.

Again, as a parent, you just want to take away your child's pain whatever the pain may be. But if you can't take it away, the next best thing is to take away your own the way you know how to heal and be a stronger and more supportive outlet for them. That is the best I could do, and know that if I was able to find positives and strength in each run Makenzie would feel it and know being positive and strong is the only option.