One word...Gratitude

In my networking group the Lucky Ladies, we had a life coach join us on Thursday to help with goal mapping. It's interesting because throughout the morning hours leading to the meeting, I felt my thoughts becoming a bit unintentionally snubbish. A feeling similar to, "I know what we are going to do. I do SMART goal training with my clients in Power Fitness PDX all the time and have worked with life coaches before".  But when walking through the door, I pushed that feeling aside and made myself be open to any and every feeling I would experience in the 90 minutes.  The timing was perfect too becauseI had an epiphany the night before, and wanted to see if it would meld with what I was about to learn.

Have you ever mapped a goal before? Professionally or personally? It is one of the most rewarding and also challenging experiences if you truly dive into the "why".  Some of the professional goals I have aren't concurrent with my personal goals; they haven't been blending well and I've been trying to figure out how to keep my own internal peace.  With goals you want to think of the What, Why and your value system and as you create your action plan to make the goals happen.  It's easy for me to think "I want to create my own fitness studio" and "I want to create a line of workout DVD's", since they are goals that has popped into my head off and on over the last 15 years.  Some parts of them seem incredibly rewarding, but other aspects such as being the key command person, are daunting.  With contemplating my own goals, I wrote down everything I want to accomplish through July 2013.  Goals ranging from fitness writing, set childcare specific hours, bookkeeper for business,  to family vacation days every month.  One challenge of being an entrepreneur is your mind continues to think of new ideas, but when also a Mom who is the primary caretaker with a limited childcare budget, it can get tricky.  So I mapped, thought, dove deep into what I truly want out of my personal and professional life this next year.  And continued to think of one word- gratitude.

After goal mapping, we went through a Value Assessment. It is a list of 51 words ranging from Abundance and Accomplishment to Trust and Wisdom.  The objective is to see if your personal and professional value words meld together, creating a symbiotic balance to achieve your goals. For me, the word that continued to be my top was Gratitude.  And it resonated as the group shared what their words were, discussing means to find a blend of words to grow goals from.

I started writing on a sheet how and why I am grateful and the gratitude I have for my family, life, work, balance, etc.  The epiphany from the night before popped to the front of my brain like a movie on repeat...and it was this: 

Like many Moms, I have been struggling with how to blend my childcare hours with professional hours. This Summer we don't have childcare.  The kids are in a few camps, but mostly it's "Camp of Mom" while this Mom, moi, is working on a couple big business projects.  During this time I have been creating art projects, swim time, cannon ball challenges, play dates, adventure days, etc. I have also been fielding the sibling fights, Emerson tantrums of figuring out what being 4.5 years old is, and managing Shirey house domestic peace. I know some days my planned work time won't happen, which creates heavy anxiety. Because I put aside 60 minutes to work and write, doesn't mean Emerson and Makenzie have that same plan for their creative Lego time. When that happens, work is put aside, I play Legos and we go to the park.  We do this because I also don't want to miss a moment of partaking in their daily lives. 

I know, hard to have it both ways, but I have been struggling to figure out how I can. Having lost so much time of Emerson and Makenzie's fun daily life when both were sick, and knowing how fast time flies with them being little, I don't want the feeling 5 years from now aching for them to be little again.  I don't want to feel guilty that I didn't spend enough time playing Barbie's, listening to their creative songs, engaging in conversations when walking hand in hand, teaching them about health and living brightly. I already fee; this on some days when I am working, and I know I will feel like that deeper and deeper each year they age.  Every night as I look at their sweet sleeping faces, I remember their little rosebud mouths and chubby cheeks when tiny babies. 

My nontraditional schedule allows me a lot of playing with these two monkeys

Wednesday was a day when the work- balance wasn't in balance. No balance at all. The entire day while Makenzie was at camp, from 9:00-3:15, Emerson was flipping my 90/10 rule and was 90 % a pickle, and 10% fantastic.  When she was finally fine in the afternoon, it was after I had lost my windows for computer time to do bookkeeping and work.  Jack arrived home, I rushed to teach the evening TRX class. When I returned 90 minutes later, Jack and the girls were getting ready for a bike ride. Girls smiling, Jack asked me to run with him. I waivered with going upstairs to work for an hour, or run with my family. Running won and we set off to run to frozen yogurt.  Perfect Summer night, kids happy, and entire family is active.  We got to frozen yogurt and Jack and I took turns racing laps around the block, attempting to beat our times each lap.  The girls eating frozen yogurt while cheering us along. Emerson decided to join us for a couple laps.  I ran along side her, watching her strong body, determined face and visible joy. She said to me, "Mommy, I can do this. I am doing a sport with you.  It's like the See Jane Run race. I am fast like you."  Eyes welled with tears at how incredible she is. The words hit me again as if I was looking at a ginormous billboard spelling out, "YOU, be grateful and full of gratitude".  Earlier in the day my goal was to stay calm with E's meltdowns, get a couple work To Do's done, and feel good at day's end.  

Yet, at that moment, I felt incredibly grateful and full of gratitude.

Grateful I was given this opportunity to be in the moment and let go of everything but being with her running.

Grateful for a family that has so much fun together.  
Grateful for two daughters who only know how to feel strong, active, adventurous, eager for happiness, and full of love. 
Grateful for a husband who works hard and supports my goals and dreams in the health and fitness industry, encouraging me along the way to go for projects I initially thought were out of my reach.  
Grateful for the ability to feel OK with having less money, but more time with the kids. 
Grateful that my business has me working in the morning before anyone is awake and I get to appreciate the sunrise daily.
Grateful for a schedule that allows me to walk Makenzie to school daily.
Grateful for Jack and I emptying out ideas of what we "should" be doing, and creating what we want to be doing.
Grateful for laughter filled moments with friends as we laugh about everything and anything.
Grateful for my own parents and siblings who are close by and love my family as much as I do.
Grateful for the opportunity to do what I love daily in health and fitness, helping people reach outside of their comfort zone and owning their strength and even stronger bodies. 
Grateful to know I need to live in the Moment.
Grateful to have the feeling that if something doesn't get done for work because of a kiddo factor, it is OK and will be good because my kids will always win over work. 

Thus, when going over the values assessment at the Lucky Ladies meeting, the strongest word resonating with my gut was Gratitude.  Realizing that allowed me to throw out a couple old goals that I honestly, don't want.  Yep, I actually decided to toss a few that have traveled years with me, out the window. The DVD goal would pull me away from my family to much right now, and I realized wouldn't have me feel grateful, but most likely more stressed.  One of my new goals is to create quality mini videos similar to the fitness challenge I did.  Goal shift is acceptable because I am happy on various levels and immediately feel less stress.  I am trying to eliminate stresses, not create them, which is what some bigger professional goals would be at this moment. So I shared. I shared with the group how I am grateful.  I am grateful for some big professional goals that are coming to fruition, and for the grateful list I created to keep me focused to what is important...to me.  As I shared, I felt lighter.  I felt excited. I felt joyous. I felt OK with throwing out a couple old goals.  Most of all I felt Grateful.

Living to JUST GO FOR IT!!

Part of being home and embarking on life post almost losing your child is you realize you have to just GO FOR IT!  You really do; no questions, no hesitations, but to just live life fully and try everything.  We have always encouraged our daughters to do that, and while it is nerve-wracking at times, it is also freeing to know that we all genuinely hold the potential to do any and everything.  When you don't over think and do, your life feels 10 pounds lighter. 

This past week, I have just DONE. I took some risks, had so much fun and packed a lot of new adventures into one week.  You know what.... it felt great!  It felt liberating! I was LAUGHING a lot with every new adventure. One of the biggest ones was entering a contest to become the new Real Model Cover Model for Fitness Magazine.  I entered last Friday night, February 18th, not knowing what I was getting into. I was nervous to press send on my photo and essay, but I figured what do I have to lose! Why not, life is to short, right? We know that so very well with our miracle daughters, so I thought I should just do it.  I am not 5'10 and big chested, but 5'1 with a small chest, strong legs and can run for miles.  I was nervous about putting a swimsuit photo up with the girls, because it's not a women flexing in a bikini with make up like the others, but it is REAL and me! 

Now I am in the Top 10 in the Country and have been all week! Currently I am #6 and in 36 hours we find out who wins.  Friends and family have been very supportive and sharing the link and my story with everyone.  At first I was uncomfortable saying what I did, and then I stepped back and thought who the heck cares!  Let's see what happens and I will tell all my family and friends to VOTE!!

So please take a minute to vote- it is very fast.  10 seconds at most!  You vote, submit, answer the question, submit the vote, and share the link. Press like on the FB button, and voila vote is done!

VOTE HERE- THE LINK-  
 

Makenzie and Emerson are getting excited and while Jack doesn't like the voting process (the technical element) he is supportive too.  From something on a whim, is now something of a chance and means a lot.  

Why I decided to do this some friends have asked--- The story
I have never been one to not try something because of nerves, hence jumping off high rocks in Waimea Bay in Hawaii, or the high dive at age 5 giving my Mom a heart attack.  But I do have natural hesitations and nerves that pop through.  While I know it is normal, I also know that they need to be thrown out the window because each moment is a new opportunity to live fuller and more vibrantly. 

When in Portland, I did tv segments with Better TV.  I loved it and had fun, and while there were natural body image concerns with being on tv, I felt confident that I was a real Mom and Trainer who didn't have a boob job and had strong legs.  It was fun to do TV, and I had met with producers about potentially making some Fitness DVD's.  But it came to financing, and then some of my nerves got the best of me. When pregnant with Emerson, I thought I would get right back to that goal after she was born. I had connections, my mom-students in Baby Boot Camp and Power Outdoor Fitness asking me to make them, and was comfortable with a microphone.  But...I got pneumonia when 6 weeks postnatal, Emerson got pneumonia-pertusis-RSV at 7 weeks old, and my Dad was with an unexpected heart condition.

I had the rug pulled from under me and suddenly I didn't have any energy left to focus on my own goals of television or growing my fitness business personality.  I tried to juggle Emerson's needs, 4 year old Makenzie, and owning two fitness businesses while being a full time Mom.  Anxiousness set in and my juggling wasn't working. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, it's what I helped train women to prevent in Baby Boot Camp.  Yet I couldn't fight nature and had to face it. I did, through exercise, therapy and hard work.  I decided to sell one of my businesses and cut back on work.

One year later, Fall of 2009, I was ready again to make my mark!  I sold my Baby Boot Camp business, owned Power Outdoor Fitness and Power Fitness PDX, and was trying to garner my schedule to work best with the girls.  Makenzie was in Kindergarten, Emerson was having fun, I was trying to be at peace ...but with the economy Jack's job wasn't going well as a Recruiter and he got laid off without severance or benefits.  I thought, "Oh no, wait, how could this be we were at a great place!".  Yet again, rug pulled out, I jumped over the dust bunnies that remained and made sure to start over again full force in a new city and new state.  So after no jobs in the Portland area, we moved to California in the New Year. The seed to just GO FOR IT was still planted away, and I knew my time would come to have fun on camera in the Bay Area.  I needed to get settled first in life. To find a house, have the girls comfortable and meeting people, support Jack in his new job, start my business again, and attempt to feel situated in our new, but my old, city.  Yet, I knew it would work! I did, I knew I could gradually get there again to put myself out there for maybe local fitness pieces, etc. Come Summer, we were there! Life was grand, we were flourishing as a whole and I was ready to focus on my business goals.

Then BOOM, like a mac truck we were hit the blow of Makenzie getting so sick and almost dying. The doctors had no idea what was going on, and within hours of being in the hospital we didn't know if Makenzie would make it, what was going on with her, why or how long it would be.  Life stopped and while others were moving on in the world outside Children's Hospital and UCSF experiencing Fall and Winter, we were going day -to -day trying to cope and live.  I dropped everything to be there for Makenzie and make sure to be her Mom, nurse, friend, supporter, advocate, and nurturer.  I also tried to nurture Emerson and Jack in the same.  And...we did it!  We all survived and made it through. Not unscarred mentally and Makenzie physically, but we did it and learned so much about the human spirit, community, blessings and the true will to live fully!!!

We have been on a gradual climb back to normalcy and back to feeling good!!!  Makenzie is settled in school again, doing incredible (Read her latest Caring Bridge Update), and getting stronger each day!  Emerson is LOVING preschool in Tiny Tots, flourishing in being 3 with ALL of us at home.  Jack has been able to submerge himself to his job and likes his new company more than he realized. He is even starting a new 5013c!  So...as I am maintaining my sense of balance in juggling all of this, trying to digest everything, I realized it is my time to just GO FOR IT AGAIN! 

Thus, I entered the contest which for me took some courage, but it was so very freeing and exciting!  I didn't even think at first of the potential opportunities that can evolve from this for my family, my business and personal goals, other women to be exposed to some of my own experiences that may give a sense of guidance and hope, and a real means to overcome and do the Fitness DVD. 

In one week, I entered the Fitness Magazine Cover Model contest (eek!), did a pole dancing class with my dear college bestie Bo, played with our loving dear friends Erin & Dylan, went to the PRINCE concert college Bestie Erika, did open gym gymnastics class last night with the Power Fitness PDX ladies, and today subbed Baby Boot Camp Oakland. How much I have missed just playing and having fun with my girlfriends too!!! It has been a week of balancing, while taking care of me too and making my own goals of FUN with FRIENDS and living fully happen!  My Power Fitness PDX goals are getting accomplished too faster than I thought with relaunching in January. Had an incredible meeting with Lucy on Tuesday, which had me leave smiling.  I worked with them in Portland, and now, a new working relationship that is mutually beneficial.   It is incredible and while my families life is getting balance, my own life is getting some balance too!  It is dynamic and fun and while I am waiting for a little rug to potentially be pulled from under us again, I'll just keep GOING FOR IT like my daughters have taught me.