Cuddling Monkey

Emerson is my sweet cuddly Monkey.  She holds on so tight when going to bed and makes you feel beyond special.  Each night Emerson wants to read 3 books and will not fall asleep unless someone, most often me, is laying beside her cuddling tight. She puts both arms around my neck, pulls my head to her chest and breaths in about 10 breaths. By that point, she is in dreamland.

Sometimes it can be hard at night when thinking of what I have to get done to prep for the next morning timewise, but the nights I don't lay with E I end up regretting it.  We have said over time we will get her sleeping on her own again, but we haven't done it yet.  Maybe it is guilt from missing so many nights last Fall with E at home when Bug was at UCSF? Or maybe it is Jack and I know time is passing so fast and we don't want to lose any of these moments being "requested to snuggle" by our kids? 

Whatever it is, I know I cherish the words and sweet touches shared between us. I love feeling her little hands pull me tight for a hug; knowing that the hug is what calms her and brings her a nightly bit of peace for sweet dreams.  The snuggles are not only a means for her to feel secure, loved and safe...but for me too.

Emerson Talking loves
* I decided to record E's voice last night to have these sweet memories forever

Gift

Makenzie is home from the hospital- sigh, relief, fear, nerves, loves, hugs, joy and again...fear. I can't help but want her to feel free as a bird after being cooped up for the past few months, yet at the same time I want her to be in our little cage of a house so I know she is safe and won't get sick or hurt. Part of the joy in being home is we can gradually have Makenzie doing things when the busy times with the kids aren't happening. The swings in the morning, hot cocoa at 1:00pm, or a run down the beach in the middle of the morning with me pushing her while she's reading her book. That is what we settled on today, and it was bliss.

To say Makenzie has matured since September 22nd would be an understatement. To say we have all matured since 9-22-10 is a fact that I almost don't want to deal with. I don't like to think of the medical ordeals Makenzie has gone through, the little sweet voice of Emerson asking if she can visit Makenzie or "Is Makenzie still in ICU? Can I visit her when she is out of ICU?" repeatedly, the nerve filled conversations talking about the big issues parents never want to discuss with Jack, or the basic stressors of what is for dinner for the parent who was home when the grocery store was the last item on the daily agenda. But those gray hairs and wrinkles we've occurred are nothing in comparison to the knowledge and skills Makenzie has developed. She is an expert with putting in IV's and will tell you all about it. She is skilled in knowing when she is being distracted from a procedure that will hurt by the luring of a DVD or coloring book. She is aware if the tests done and how her body responds to them.

But Makenzie is also more at peace with being IN the moment than she was before. She is 6.5 years old but has seen life's changed and altered within a moment of a doctor entering the room. Thus, she is able to be at peace with what event and activities we do. That is a gift I wish ALL people had. I don't wish upon anyone the ordeal that has happened to my sweet daughter, but I do wish ALL people had the ability to truly be present and open to what activities are going on. AS the hours of 2010 are dwindling by, how often have you been present and aware of the life around you? Hopefully A LOT, and if not, it is a gift to open up and embrace in 2011. It is a gift I hope Makenzie can share with all people she meets, and for the rest of her life. It is a gift she had me open up again, and this time, I promise to embrace each moment tighter than before.