Life is good...Mud RUN good

You know what, life is GOOD!  Yep, I think when you work through heartache, balance, leaping from one heavy obstacle to the next, it is just bound to be GOOD!  I have often felt over the past years that the unfortunate hiccups make the heavy moments feel that much richer, even in their horrible elements.  Yes, seems odd to some probably.  I am writing right now as my girls are cuddled up in jammies, enjoying Saturday morning cartoons and ready to make the 3-day weekend last forever.

In March, when I entered the Children's Hospital writing contest, I put myself out there in many ways.  I wrote openly and honestly about how hard being married was when faced with challenges.  I talked about how the last year was the hardest one yet, which it was.  In essence it was because Jack and I had to face issues head on, without any protective lenses.  We spoke some harsh words and learned through communicating poorly, how we also knew at the base of it we are a great team and can communicate beautifully.  While daunting, it taught me a lot about my marriage and how strong our partnership is.  After posting the piece, I received emails from friends sharing heartfelt messages about feelings of now not "being alone", and "I thought my husband and I were the only ones who had challenges like this".  The honesty in my essay helped open communication among others, and within my own friend circle.  For that I am grateful.  How life continues to have great things come from challenging situations...not being a finalist in the contest after opening my soul was hard, but the element of open communication amongst friends supporting one another is a forever gift.

Before the mud and obstacles

Thus, it's all good right now.  Last Saturday, Jack and I did a MudRun, which seemed parallel in funny ways how good life feels"after running through a lot of mud".  Literally feels good to my core and inner being.  It was our 4th weekend in a row of doing an athletic event together; a foundation of who we are as a team.  When we rode Wildflower 65 mile bike ride on April 29th, we took off from my family and got to enjoy working together to pull each other up and down the hills.  It was Jack's first metric century, and I got to help him with some cycling skills while he encouraged me with my first metric century post double knee surgery.  We did the same on Saturday through the mud and obstacles.  We were both excited and motivated to have FUN, no race timing chip, just FUN.

Ready to rock the race

At the starting line, all of us were dancing with our friends, Chris and Linda. Makenzie and Emerson were ready to cheer us on while being the course "photographers".  They got to hang with our friend, Linda, who is cutely pregnant and wasn't about to bop her baby belly through the obstacle course.  The laughter started at the beginning, and continued throughout.  In the first 60 seconds of standing by the registration booth, we saw people dressed in Wonder Woman and Batgirl costumes to military men covered in mud...we knew we were in a for a memorable day.

To me, the dirty part of the mud didn't seem daunting, but invigorating for some reason. It made the event seem a bit more adventurous compared to regular runs and triathlons, which seemed exciting.  I wanted a lot of challenges to take on and overcome; bring on the ropes, muddy tires and sprints. We lined up for our 12:30 wave at the starting line and the music blasted all around. Some people looked stiff and nervous, while others looked intense like warriors on a mission.  The three of us looked like 30-somethings who didn't give a flying poo about their rhythm, but wanted to dance, race and laugh. Emerson, Makenzie and Linda watched and waved laughing at us and the girls were dancing too. The energy in the air was that of FUN. Everyone was to have FUN.

3.2.1.....START!  Jack, Chris and I ran through the race arch and were on our way. We embarked on a few hills right in the beginning. Sweeeeet. I love to climb hills and felt good. It was about 93 degrees and blistering sun which made it more of a challenge. Gradually, Chris fell into his own pace and Jack and I were running alongside each other.  He is such a solid runner and competitive athlete, I can't help but race better when alongside him. He maneuvers his body like a gazelle at times, hopping from foot to foot with a comfortable cadence. First obstacle approached; 3 7-8 foot walls to climb over.  Both of us jumped up and over confidently.  Running continued up and down some  hills. Next obstacle of muddy barrels.  Clump clump went the mud when it latched onto our running shoes.  We kept moving, at this point I was a bit ahead of Jack on another climb. My legs and knees felt strong and solid. Phew, 5 months post surgery and my body was doing what it's supposed to do. Another few obstacle walls we blasted over independently and then...one that was to high. Heck, I am 5'1", not the tallest girl by any means. Before I could even ask, Jack bent over and yelled, "Erin, just jump on my back. You got this." With a quick jump and leap, I was up and over the wall.  Jack's "back stool" repeated two more times until we were at the tires. Quick steps through each muddy tire; using agility work that came easy from teaching so many boot camp classes.

After the tires Jack looked at me with a smirk, "We're not muddy enough. Where is the MUD??  Erin, I think we're the first in our wave now too." Ah, the competitive boy is always there, and funnily enough I had already noticed the same thing.  We embarked on more groups of runners and passed them as we swished through the obstacles and on the trail. Up one hill we heard screaming and cheering. Two big walls, and I mean big.  The outline of some people standing at the bottom just staring up with feet paralyzed in the dirt.  As we approached, we saw their faces that had fearful expressions. I yelled to Jack, "Just do it! GO". The first wall had 2 inch pieces of wood ledges you could grab onto that were spaced about 4 feet apart. If you didn't grasp well, you'd fall down to the bottom, or on top of the person below you. There was a strong guy, about 25 years old and 6 feet tall, climbing next to me, For each wide stretch my legs took to reach the ledge, he glided up, but was nervous looking down to the ground. We teased each other and raced to the top. At the top, flipped around and climbed down the rope net ladder. At this point I heard Makenzie and Emerson yelling, "Go Mommy! Go, race Daddy, GO FAST Mooooom!".  It felt great to high five their little hands and continue on to the next part...a steep down hill to more up and down. I have to admit, the downhill scared me with my knees. I wanted to mentally feel "normal", but after double knee surgery this is my "new normal" and while I climbed down it was OK! Jack was in front looking back with a gleam in his eye and yelled, "How are they now? Feeling good? Should we push through the mud?". "Sure!" I cheered back.  I didn't realize what he really meant until I saw the mud pit in front of him.

We came upon a mud pit that looked like a pig's dream home. People were trying to edge around it and not get muddy....until Jack leaped in doing a dive roll.  Head to toe covered in mud.  It made everyone gasp and Jack grin.  I followed suit, not a dive roll, but blasted through.  Speedy and muddy up the hill laughing at Jack. Next mud pit, we both just crawled through and went all out.  There was one thing with running through splattering mud, but another with blasting through it on all fours. At this point, we were committed to the mud and getting down and dirty. Out of the second big pit, climbed up globbing along and determined to finish fast. More mud, another wall and mini climbs up we accomplished.  Next we heard the cheers looking up to see people watching down at the final obstacles. Barbed wire to crawl under through mud pits.  We plowed through as some others were tip-toeing around trying not to get dirty.  At this point I just smiled and laughed at them, "You're in a mud run. Get dirty! It will wash off later." Under the final wire, upright position found, ran to the finish line alongside Jack. It was INCREDIBLE! We had grins ear to ear and were on Cloud Nine.  Someone came up yelling at me, "It was so fun to watch you two not caring and having fun! Thank you!".  Ah, made my day since we just did what we wanted to and as Jack pointed out, came out in the end the first in our wave of 200+ runners. 

Want a hug Girls??

We ran to see the girls and Linda at the top of the hill by the obstacles.  The girls wouldn't hug us but made faces instead. I couldn't stop jumping and smiling....and spotted Chris climbing down the rope ladder.  He waved and asked where the mud was...before I knew what was happening I popped in to run the last third of the race with him too.  This time covered in mud, which got Chris eager to join our muddy selves.  Chris calls me his "Mini Motivator", which I tried to live up to while wiping mud from my mouth as I spoke". Chris and I ran through the obstacles, mud pits and up the hill at the end with him joining us in the full mud fun too.

At the end, the three of us were covered head to toe, in mud, and huge smiles. Linda, Makenzie and Emerson took pictures of us and the moment immediately etched in my mind as a favorite of all time. It could have been the camaraderie, the physical challenge, the support, competing outside the traditional running box, overcoming new races post surgery and the partnership with Jack.  We washed off the mud with huge water trucks that just sprayed us down. We were still a bit dirty with mud gobs in places they shouldn't be, but from the outside looked rinsed and ready to start again.

It is parallel to where we are in life.  The entire mud run was.  Jack and I are an incredible team, especially with the cheering on of our daughters. We have run through one mud pit after another, but always put a hand out to help one another get through it. Sometimes our entire bodies are covered in layers of mud, but we know it's an obstacle we'll get through.  We leap over puddles, run through them, sometimes fall down and climb over walls.  At the end, through companionship and teamwork, we get washed off and get to run a new race.  It may take a few washes to clean us off (my sports bra still has some dirt in it!), but we'll get there and be ready to leap and laugh.  Our life may be muddy, but our LIFE IS GOOD! 

Life is GOOD!! 

Reaching for words

As I shared last week, I took a risk. I put my words out there and entered the writing contest for Children's Hospital Oakland. It is a place we grew to know very well, and I am forever indebted since they brought Makenzie back to life. Literally. Watching her fight and have no choice but take risks daily gave me a greater sense of determination and fight myself.  I've always been a risk taker; but this last year I've taken some risks inspired by Makenzie and Emerson that were intense, nervewracking, and heart palpating. I did them without any idea what the outcome would be. 

Today, I found out I am not a semi-finalist for the essay contest out of the 220 entrants. While bummed, it was an eye opening experience.  I realized I truly want to work harder at writing and reach for more words to help connect myself with others.  The essay I went with was a variation of my previous blog post about marriage and challenges.  Since it was so hard to write, I felt it was a better choice.  It pulled a layer of honesty back to share with the world.  I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading it, and thanks for sharing this last risk taking adventure with me.

With much love-
Erin

LOVE….

Love is the foundation of why two people get married. With love anything is possible, right?  Actually, it is with the love, communication and an understanding that you won't always see things the same way.  Throughout 8.5 years of marriage, through every challenge, Jack and I worked together as a team.  We’ve bounced ideas and attempted to jump through the unexpected hoops together. We’ve dealt with job loss, death, miscarriage, post partum depression, relocation, and both children facing life-threatening hospitalizations. When either of us had a struggle, we'd attempt to find a solution that works.  But herein lies the challenge; the challenge that’s been the biggest challenge this past “post hospital” year for me.  That is that people cope with horrible stressors much differently, and how they cope can affect you. BUT you CAN’T fault them. Damn, you surely want to, but you can’t fault them for how they grieve. Especially if it is not the same way you do.

How one copes is how they manage to breathe.  We’ve had weeks throughout the year that came and went with neither of us communicating effectively.  Avoidance, irritation and resentment built up. That led to long solo runs for me, and staying at work past midnight for Jack.  Our listening skills with each other broke as a default of coping with the exhaustion, intensity and digestion of all that happened. It was overwhelming. Once home with both of our daughters in their beds, we had time to talk about what happened....but it was too challenging to talk.  Jack doesn't want to talk about “what if's”.  While I don't either, I needed to feel a game plan for the "what if's" because Makenzie only has 1/3 of her pancreas left.  I need to know if hospitalization happens again, we can communicate to support each other better.  The hurt and anger of times when we needed to communicate best, but were communicating at our worst, haunted me.  You can't change what words you've shared and the splinters they’ve created in your soul, but you can learn and evolve from them.

Makenzie was hospitalized with Acute Pancreatitis and multi-organ failure at 6.5 years old. Upon being admitted, one ER nurse whom I am forever indebted, looked me square in the eye and said, “Your daughter is very, very sick.  I don’t know what is going on but it’s not good and it’s going to be a long journey. You are strong and must use all your might to just love her.”  Powerful words. They described her 3 month journey in 1 minute. Any percentage, relating to a medical condition, Makenzie would defy, and not always in the right direction. However this did start with her beginning too, since she was the 2% of babies born to Moms on the birth control pill.  For some reason, she’s been ready to prove her strength and headstrong ways since the beginning.

The heaviness of hard conversations and feelings of not being heard are heartbreaking.  When you experience tragic times with someone, only the two of you can relate about those moments. While you don't want anyone to understand, it would almost be healing if there were someone else who could.  The pressures mount, especially while trying to "keep calm and carry on" for your children. And even harder...nobody talks about it.  Nobody who is married truly talks about the challenges of communication, and the hard work that goes into a marriage and partnership. Why not? I’m not saying air all components of intimate spousal fights, but if we feel the need to talk about some elements and ask for advice, why aren't we? Why do people feel they can only show their Facebook image...meaning they only share the most gorgeous moments of their marriages.

Is that honest or real?  I remember when writing on Caring Bridge I wanted to discuss how hard it was …but every third person expressed concern about the divorce rate amongst couples with sick children. I wanted to share the on-going real life elements.  The arguments in the ICU, stress releasing runs that turned into fights over hospital bills, family conflicts about what was shared online and who was able to spend time with our younger daughter, Emerson. The conversations regarding, "What if surgeries don't work and she doesn't make it?". That is REAL and part of a marriage and children.  While horrifically tough, it’s the process of going through challenges together. 

You love the other person so much you power through the crappy times to endure the BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS ones! You power through moments of loneliness and those of screaming bloody loud that can happen when you cope differently. You do because you know in the end that you'll be part of the winning percentage by enduring and staying together.

Happiness

This past week, my Mom, Jack and dear friend, Pilar, all asked me if I was truly happy.  I had talked about moving to new places, shared nerves about the girls and Makenzie's medical conditions, stress about time management, and didn't feel like "me".  Normally, I am a positive optimist by nature. I see the glass half full, feel invigorated by laughter and twinkling eyes, have no shame in dancing like a fool and enjoy time doing a bazillion things and nothing at all. But, I really wasn't feeling like me.

A big part... my left ankle has been injured. While I know I have to get knee surgery in the late Fall, after racing the See Jane Run 5K, I was set to come in first and got a cramp at mile 1.7 and overcompensated with my left calf.  I pushed to come in 2nd, but later in the day felt a bit of pain.  First it was shin splints, then it shifted to severe pain shooting up and down my leg.  I am not one to stop and hold back, especially when my job is to inspire and motivate my clients to keep moving daily.  It is not in my nature to step back, and I've had to.  I took one week off. Then I ran 7 miles in Carmel on my brother's wedding day, and it got worse.  So I took another two weeks off.  While spinning and swimming rock, they don't replace the runner's high  for me.  They don't give me the depleted feeling that I have at the end of an intense run...and I crave that feeling at least a few times each week to thrive! So without running, holding back with teaching by not doing as many plyometrics, and attempting to keep my Erin Spirit up, I guess it had dwindled more than I realized.

And yesterday, I had an epiphany as I was writing.  While therapeutic and scary I realized a few things:

Love how this captures all of us thinking "Oh E, you are our Ramona!"

1. I have been beyond scared that something will happen to Makenzie and/or Emerson again, but want to keep Bug and Monkey feeling as normal as possible. I don't want Makenzie to feel she can't do things, but am beyond scared that if she does something and gets hurt again, we are in severe trouble that I can't control.

2. With the determination to keep life fun for my girls, I have put my own personal needs off. I haven't spent time with my friends because the only time away from my girls I spend training/teaching PFPDX or training myself.  I am scared that if I go away something can happen to Makenzie.  The first time I went away without my kids for myself to play, to Portland for 2 days, Makenzie got horribly sick and I rushed her to Children's Hospital upon getting home. She didn't recognize me resulting from the severe dehydration and multi organ failure, and I am fearful something could happen if I were to go away again.

3. I need to focus on my own Triathlon racing again, which is what makes me feel like me ME and haven't been able to because of injury.  That is tough for me mentally because I am feeling an age thing coming on. As if I don't do some things in the next few years I will lose my "younger window".  I need to focus on myself and what makes me happy, realizing that age is just a number.

4. I have a feeling of missing my own independence.  With moving back to the Bay Area, I realized I think of it as a feeling of failure that we didn't make it away on our own. It is not true- we didn't live in the Bay Area for about 7 years.  But with moving back I miss the sense of independence of living on our own, and having our own city to identify with.  I miss my core group of friends who I saw every day and talked on the phone with all the time.  I miss having "my" people to go running with all the time; having them close by to go to Kennedy School with. I miss the bonds my children had with kids they knew since they could first remember.  Here my closest lifelong friends are 30-45 minutes away and I don't see them how I want to regularly. I have lovely friends in Alameda, but it will take time to nurture and grow those friendships. I am determined to do so beyond measure.

5. I thrive on owning my own business and helping other women(and their daughters) with their self esteem through athletics.  I love presenting at workshops, doing the tv fitness segments, writing fitness articles, and being involved on all aspects of media in fitness.  The nerves from realizations 1 & 2 have held me back a bit on moving and progressing forward again with pursuing media-fitness pieces again.  

So NOW- I am making changes. I am finding new goals, have outreached to some of my newer girlfriends, and will set some dates to see my lifelong friends in the next weeks.  While being a naturally social person, I don't socialize as much as people think I do.  I am running around with the kids all the time and tend to forget to pay attention to me. I worry if I don't focus just on them, if I lose them, I won't remember everything.  That is what scares me so much.  I can't just take off and leave them with sitters to see friends because I get scared.  I was gone, and never am, when Makenzie got sick and she didn't recognize me when I saw her.  That has stayed with me on deep levels which I hadn't realized until recently.  I worry if anything happens again it will always be with me, but after identifying these feelings maybe I can work on it more.  I even feel guilty at nighttime, when I am tired of whining and washing dishes to "escape for a few minutes", and Jack is reading stories to them. I feel I should be right there cuddling before bed.  I feel that having almost lost them both I need to cherish each moment we have together on another level. Which I do, but I want to embrace and cherish the moments more deeply.

This is where it gets interesting.  I know life is not easy for everyone. I know we have it easier than most. We have a roof over our heads, have loving family and friends, have our bodies and have been given the gift of seconds chances.  I would love to feel in my innermost core more peaceful all the time; that is what I am striving for. It's why I take longer to go to and from places; riding my bike to pick up Emerson, stopping at places along the way home, unexpected trips to random parks or to the beach to play in the sand and read books. It is how come I try to add extra time to doing errands so the girls can explore and I can take time to answer the endless question of "why".  I truly want that peaceful and content feeling to be with me daily, and for my kids to embrace and feel those elements of peacefulness too. I want to feel content and good about me, my family and my life I am living.  Often I do. BUT, often I also feel I should be doing more than I am and be appreciating on a deeper level all that life has allowed me to experience.  Have you ever experienced that too?  


I began a Happy List Sunday morning when running.   I am adding to it daily, and making sure to embrace all the happies I see.  I will add to the happies on this blog, and encourage you to create your own happy list. Even doing it makes you smile and feel a bit happier. 

As I was finishing up my Happy List I decided to pop into Books Inc. and meander around. Guess what I found....a book called The Happiness Project.  No joke- I was holding some fun beach reads, looked down and my jaw dropped.  I couldn't believe my eyes and called Jack right away to share the "sign" of what I would be doing next.  Supportive and incredible as he is, Jack said to get the book and tell him all about it.  I am only on page 25, but have already enjoyed the notion of focusing on different elements each month.  Similar to how I do an annual Fitness Challenge from February-May for my clients- to help them focus on their health, fitness, and wellness. This will be a year of focusing on different elements of making those aspects of my life happier, embracing each moment to "be" in the moment, and enjoying everyone around me for their various strengths, personalities, quirks and love that I cherish.

My own Happiness Project will highlight each month with a new goal.  And to start- July is Foundations.  I am going to truly start my own year's project in August, and July will outline how I can embrace the foundations for my own unique happiest state. Do you want to join me?  How are you truly Happy each day?  Are you relishing each moment to it's fullest potential, or do you feel it's to much to contemplate? Just curious.  


One of my own happies is swimming with my girls, so I will hop off and do just that.  What I gratefully enjoy, and keep doing that again and again...

Happiness list -  June 26- 2011
Loving and feeling proud of myself- stems to feeling good about all else
holding hands with Jack when walking down the street
Emerson laughter
Makenzie's eye twinkle and nose freckles
Being free to just play with the girls
Swimming in the pool and underwater tea parties
Eating outside
Riding with girls singing on their bikes
The beach and sand in toes
Achieving an athletic goal
Feeling organized
Makenzie reading to Emerson
Jack playing soccer
Watching Jack and E play soccer
Bare feet
Sunshine filled day and run
Hearing my best friend's voices on the phone
Sweat inducing depleting workout
Sunflowers
No clutter
Feeling on top of finances

Robbie remembering to say "secret code" and both of us laughing
Writing cards and actually getting them in the mail
Cuddling with the girls
Lean abs
Wearing sundresses

being lame doing the running man and how people respond with laughter
Writing inspiring articles
Helping women feel confident
Cousins
No drinking in the week= better morning workouts and teaching
Read books every day
Clean house
Running trails
Running with jack
Racing well and confidently

Tyler being smart assy and "on" and making me laugh so I fall over
Laughing so my body aches
Making my meals
Farmers market and eating strawberries while wandering through
Being updated

My old bike ride date nights with Grandma Betty hearing stories
Traveling
Overnight adventures
Hiking
Wine tasting with friends
Hawaii
Kissing for hours
Dare nights with good conversations
watching dad and mom with the girls
Working out with Tyler
talking to Grammer

Receiving cards in the mail

Painting for hours in sunshine

Reading a book in a hammock

Hearing client success stories

Helping Clients "break through" their challenges and go farther than they thought

Seeing Makenzie ride her bike on two wheels for the first time

Seeing Emerson sing and dance all the time- just in her own world

Bo's smart ass comments

Watching my girls with my best friends kids adoring each other

Huevos Rancheros

Fresh cut flowers

Manicured nails lasting more than one day