Summer time, and the living is easy

There are 8 more weekdays of Summer Vacation for the Shirey Family.  To say that is has flown by is an understatement.  Summer feels like Christmas Day to me. There are so many plans, so much excitement and build up and then poof! Summer is almost over and you still have things you didn't do...but so much that you did.

This Summer I chose not to stress.  Yes there are times when I did over logistics with work, and not having set childcare, but I chose to step back and not worry about what didn't get done come the beginning of the School year.  As a family, it was to be a fun easy Summer. No rush to get anywhere, and no exhaustion from being away from home every weekend, verses sleeping in and enjoying wonderful days in the Bay Area.  I see that happening everywhere, when kids are booked every day throughout Summer that they didn't get lazy mornings to sleep in and wear PJ's on bicycles.  Mind you, I know it is work logistics for many families, but even a week of staycation can give you that easy Summer vibe.

1,2,3 jump! 

We did it though. Each girl had a few special weeks of camp they adored.  They sang songs, learned archery, did ballet, made new friends, and developed mentorships with new favorite camp counselors. They both rode their bikes daily, developing strong muscles in their legs and confidence in their skill. They stayed in pajamas 'till noon, somedays wearing them to play all day.  They felt relaxed and I felt lighter.

We created and Adventure Box and in it we all got to add what we wanted to do. From Stand Up Paddleboarding, Monterey Bay Aquarium, bike riding to San Francisco, Trail Running dates, see Brave, road trip to Portland, Tahoe, and much more.  Each week we would pick from the box and add it to the calendar.  Thus, at Summer's end, every adventure we wanted to conquer was brought to fruition.  We always look forward to finishing with our cherished trip to Portland and Seattle, finishing the trip at the Oregon Coast with Hood to Coast. The best way to make the last moments of Summer linger on.

Norah and Emerson at Tenderfoot Camp

Camp Kids- Makenzie, Cami, Romey

Emerson riding strong

Even if I love Summer, right and left I hear Moms saying they can't wait for school to start so they can have their days back.  Honestly, I am the opposite(mostly).  I am relishing the days with the girls.  I want each Summer day to extend by a few hours for more time on our bikes, more time doing underwater tea parties, more time racing across the pool, more time just "being".  I know that my own Summer Time with them is getting shorter and shorter, as they get older and older.  They're gradually going to have more desires to be with their friends, verses hanging with their Mom doing CannonBalls at the pool.  I don't want to face that reality so I hold on. I have put aside many work projects and feel "ok" with it. I allowed myself to be ok with not completing my entire Summer "To Do" list, since I was  honoring my Mom "To Do" list.

Makenzie riding strong- Bridge is up!

I let myself "be" with both girls.  I have the images imprinted in my mind of their smiles, Lego castles, Barbie scenarios, strong running bodies, bubble butts in swimsuits, tan lines, swimmer's bleached out hair, ice cream faces, sleeping heads on my chest and hands intertwined with mine as we walked everywhere.  I will catch up when school starts, cram in my own work, and be fine with the Summer days of past. I hope you enjoyed Summer as much as I did, and have images etched in your mind that make you appreciate simply "being" as the season changes again all to soon.

Life is good...Mud RUN good

You know what, life is GOOD!  Yep, I think when you work through heartache, balance, leaping from one heavy obstacle to the next, it is just bound to be GOOD!  I have often felt over the past years that the unfortunate hiccups make the heavy moments feel that much richer, even in their horrible elements.  Yes, seems odd to some probably.  I am writing right now as my girls are cuddled up in jammies, enjoying Saturday morning cartoons and ready to make the 3-day weekend last forever.

In March, when I entered the Children's Hospital writing contest, I put myself out there in many ways.  I wrote openly and honestly about how hard being married was when faced with challenges.  I talked about how the last year was the hardest one yet, which it was.  In essence it was because Jack and I had to face issues head on, without any protective lenses.  We spoke some harsh words and learned through communicating poorly, how we also knew at the base of it we are a great team and can communicate beautifully.  While daunting, it taught me a lot about my marriage and how strong our partnership is.  After posting the piece, I received emails from friends sharing heartfelt messages about feelings of now not "being alone", and "I thought my husband and I were the only ones who had challenges like this".  The honesty in my essay helped open communication among others, and within my own friend circle.  For that I am grateful.  How life continues to have great things come from challenging situations...not being a finalist in the contest after opening my soul was hard, but the element of open communication amongst friends supporting one another is a forever gift.

Before the mud and obstacles

Thus, it's all good right now.  Last Saturday, Jack and I did a MudRun, which seemed parallel in funny ways how good life feels"after running through a lot of mud".  Literally feels good to my core and inner being.  It was our 4th weekend in a row of doing an athletic event together; a foundation of who we are as a team.  When we rode Wildflower 65 mile bike ride on April 29th, we took off from my family and got to enjoy working together to pull each other up and down the hills.  It was Jack's first metric century, and I got to help him with some cycling skills while he encouraged me with my first metric century post double knee surgery.  We did the same on Saturday through the mud and obstacles.  We were both excited and motivated to have FUN, no race timing chip, just FUN.

Ready to rock the race

At the starting line, all of us were dancing with our friends, Chris and Linda. Makenzie and Emerson were ready to cheer us on while being the course "photographers".  They got to hang with our friend, Linda, who is cutely pregnant and wasn't about to bop her baby belly through the obstacle course.  The laughter started at the beginning, and continued throughout.  In the first 60 seconds of standing by the registration booth, we saw people dressed in Wonder Woman and Batgirl costumes to military men covered in mud...we knew we were in a for a memorable day.

To me, the dirty part of the mud didn't seem daunting, but invigorating for some reason. It made the event seem a bit more adventurous compared to regular runs and triathlons, which seemed exciting.  I wanted a lot of challenges to take on and overcome; bring on the ropes, muddy tires and sprints. We lined up for our 12:30 wave at the starting line and the music blasted all around. Some people looked stiff and nervous, while others looked intense like warriors on a mission.  The three of us looked like 30-somethings who didn't give a flying poo about their rhythm, but wanted to dance, race and laugh. Emerson, Makenzie and Linda watched and waved laughing at us and the girls were dancing too. The energy in the air was that of FUN. Everyone was to have FUN.

3.2.1.....START!  Jack, Chris and I ran through the race arch and were on our way. We embarked on a few hills right in the beginning. Sweeeeet. I love to climb hills and felt good. It was about 93 degrees and blistering sun which made it more of a challenge. Gradually, Chris fell into his own pace and Jack and I were running alongside each other.  He is such a solid runner and competitive athlete, I can't help but race better when alongside him. He maneuvers his body like a gazelle at times, hopping from foot to foot with a comfortable cadence. First obstacle approached; 3 7-8 foot walls to climb over.  Both of us jumped up and over confidently.  Running continued up and down some  hills. Next obstacle of muddy barrels.  Clump clump went the mud when it latched onto our running shoes.  We kept moving, at this point I was a bit ahead of Jack on another climb. My legs and knees felt strong and solid. Phew, 5 months post surgery and my body was doing what it's supposed to do. Another few obstacle walls we blasted over independently and then...one that was to high. Heck, I am 5'1", not the tallest girl by any means. Before I could even ask, Jack bent over and yelled, "Erin, just jump on my back. You got this." With a quick jump and leap, I was up and over the wall.  Jack's "back stool" repeated two more times until we were at the tires. Quick steps through each muddy tire; using agility work that came easy from teaching so many boot camp classes.

After the tires Jack looked at me with a smirk, "We're not muddy enough. Where is the MUD??  Erin, I think we're the first in our wave now too." Ah, the competitive boy is always there, and funnily enough I had already noticed the same thing.  We embarked on more groups of runners and passed them as we swished through the obstacles and on the trail. Up one hill we heard screaming and cheering. Two big walls, and I mean big.  The outline of some people standing at the bottom just staring up with feet paralyzed in the dirt.  As we approached, we saw their faces that had fearful expressions. I yelled to Jack, "Just do it! GO". The first wall had 2 inch pieces of wood ledges you could grab onto that were spaced about 4 feet apart. If you didn't grasp well, you'd fall down to the bottom, or on top of the person below you. There was a strong guy, about 25 years old and 6 feet tall, climbing next to me, For each wide stretch my legs took to reach the ledge, he glided up, but was nervous looking down to the ground. We teased each other and raced to the top. At the top, flipped around and climbed down the rope net ladder. At this point I heard Makenzie and Emerson yelling, "Go Mommy! Go, race Daddy, GO FAST Mooooom!".  It felt great to high five their little hands and continue on to the next part...a steep down hill to more up and down. I have to admit, the downhill scared me with my knees. I wanted to mentally feel "normal", but after double knee surgery this is my "new normal" and while I climbed down it was OK! Jack was in front looking back with a gleam in his eye and yelled, "How are they now? Feeling good? Should we push through the mud?". "Sure!" I cheered back.  I didn't realize what he really meant until I saw the mud pit in front of him.

We came upon a mud pit that looked like a pig's dream home. People were trying to edge around it and not get muddy....until Jack leaped in doing a dive roll.  Head to toe covered in mud.  It made everyone gasp and Jack grin.  I followed suit, not a dive roll, but blasted through.  Speedy and muddy up the hill laughing at Jack. Next mud pit, we both just crawled through and went all out.  There was one thing with running through splattering mud, but another with blasting through it on all fours. At this point, we were committed to the mud and getting down and dirty. Out of the second big pit, climbed up globbing along and determined to finish fast. More mud, another wall and mini climbs up we accomplished.  Next we heard the cheers looking up to see people watching down at the final obstacles. Barbed wire to crawl under through mud pits.  We plowed through as some others were tip-toeing around trying not to get dirty.  At this point I just smiled and laughed at them, "You're in a mud run. Get dirty! It will wash off later." Under the final wire, upright position found, ran to the finish line alongside Jack. It was INCREDIBLE! We had grins ear to ear and were on Cloud Nine.  Someone came up yelling at me, "It was so fun to watch you two not caring and having fun! Thank you!".  Ah, made my day since we just did what we wanted to and as Jack pointed out, came out in the end the first in our wave of 200+ runners. 

Want a hug Girls??

We ran to see the girls and Linda at the top of the hill by the obstacles.  The girls wouldn't hug us but made faces instead. I couldn't stop jumping and smiling....and spotted Chris climbing down the rope ladder.  He waved and asked where the mud was...before I knew what was happening I popped in to run the last third of the race with him too.  This time covered in mud, which got Chris eager to join our muddy selves.  Chris calls me his "Mini Motivator", which I tried to live up to while wiping mud from my mouth as I spoke". Chris and I ran through the obstacles, mud pits and up the hill at the end with him joining us in the full mud fun too.

At the end, the three of us were covered head to toe, in mud, and huge smiles. Linda, Makenzie and Emerson took pictures of us and the moment immediately etched in my mind as a favorite of all time. It could have been the camaraderie, the physical challenge, the support, competing outside the traditional running box, overcoming new races post surgery and the partnership with Jack.  We washed off the mud with huge water trucks that just sprayed us down. We were still a bit dirty with mud gobs in places they shouldn't be, but from the outside looked rinsed and ready to start again.

It is parallel to where we are in life.  The entire mud run was.  Jack and I are an incredible team, especially with the cheering on of our daughters. We have run through one mud pit after another, but always put a hand out to help one another get through it. Sometimes our entire bodies are covered in layers of mud, but we know it's an obstacle we'll get through.  We leap over puddles, run through them, sometimes fall down and climb over walls.  At the end, through companionship and teamwork, we get washed off and get to run a new race.  It may take a few washes to clean us off (my sports bra still has some dirt in it!), but we'll get there and be ready to leap and laugh.  Our life may be muddy, but our LIFE IS GOOD! 

Life is GOOD!! 

First comes love...

When you are falling in love, you fantasize about spending all the wonderful time together. You  picture creating a home that is your own and waking up starting each day with the person you adore.  You giggle at the memory of each dinner date, moment of new experiences, and jokes that only the two of you can understand.  You visualize getting married, traveling, having a baby, maybe a few more and exploring each day together. While you know there will be tears, in the beginning you don't incorporate the arguments and life's challenges into your love story. Why would you want to think about arguing? About tears? About life and death? Why would you want to contemplate how you have to make a joke out of having your house flooded with water on your eldest daughter's first day back to school after being hospitalized for 4 months? Why do I ask...because you should!

2006- year 2

I have been married for 8.5 years.  We have had a good marriage that has evolved every year. Heck, evolved every month.  There are incredible, many incredible memories and life experiences and we have also yet to have a year of marriage that is "boring".  People say some of the most stressful times in life are getting married, having a baby, and getting laid off.  Jack and I experienced all of the above in the first 7 months of marriage.  Year two and three we experienced another job transition, starting a new business, 2nd trimester miscarriage, losing friends to become angels.  Year four was a doosy- baby #2, me-pneumonia at 6 weeks postnatal to E hospitalized with pneumonia-pertussis-rsv (in other words told she was fighting hard for her little life) and Dad hospitalized unexpectedly with a pacemaker.  Oy vey- not done! Starting business #2 for this mama and Postpartum Depression too.  Year five to six, Jack is laid off without any severance or benefits and leave our beloved Portland  to regroup in California. Year seven, oldest hospitalized for 4 months with life threatening conditions. Year 7.5-8.5 attempting to survive and breath and laugh at the unexpected.


With the first 8 years of marriage behind us now, I am craving a year of just having fun traveling the world together as a family with NO HEAVY responsibility.  Meaning, we get to save up and not use it for medical bills or debt but to put our life on hold for 6 months and take off around the world to PLAY.  I know it is a dream because being an adult = responsibility, but I fantasize.  I fantasize about the great feeling of escaping back to those pre family memories of what you have laid out for a charmed life.  The feeling before hurt and pain, before the heartache of talking but not hearing each other. The time of looking forward to a night alone sometimes instead of a date out with your partner just to breath.  But guess what, how you plan out life doesn't always happen in your timeline and the best thing to do is embrace it.  If you push it away, it will only cause splinters to every ounce of your being. 

2007-Year 3-4

Love is the foundation of why two people get married. With love anything is possible, right?  Actually it is with with the love, communication and an understanding that you won't always see things the same way.  Through the 8.5 years of marriage in every challenge Jack and I worked together as a team.  We bounce ideas back and forth and attempt to jump through the unexpected hoops together. When either of us had a struggle, we'd attempt to find a solution that works.  But here lies the challenge, the one that has been the biggest challenge this past year for me.  That is that people cope with horrible stressers very different and how they do can affect you. BUT you can not fault them.

How one copes is how they have to manage to breath.  We had weeks over this past year that would happen and neither of us  were communicating well.  Thus avoidance and irritation and resentment built up. Sometimes that led to long solo runs for me and for staying at work to late for Jack.  We had a breakdown of listening as coping with the exhaustion, intensity and digestion of all that happened with Makenzie was overwhelming. Once home with both of our daughters in their beds, we had time to talk about what happened....but it was to hard to talk.  Jack doesn't want to talk about what if's and while I don't either, I needed to feel a game plan for the "what if's" since Makenzie does have only 1/3 of her pancreas left.  I need to know if hospitalization happens again, we can communicate and support each other better.  The hurt and anger of times when we needed to communicate best but were communicating at our worst haunted me.  You can't change what words you've shared or thought, but you can learn and evolve from them for future conversations.

2007- Year 4

The heaviness of the hard conversations and feelings of not being heard are heartbreaking.  When you experience tragic times with someone, only the two of you can relate about the challenges. While you don't want anyone to understand or relate to the challenges, it would almost be healing if there was someone else.  The pressures mount and steam comes out of ears, while trying to "Keep calm and carry on" for your children. And even harder...nobody talks about it.  Nobody who is married really talks about the challenges of communication and the hard work that goes into a marriage and partnership. Why not? I am not saying air all components of your intimate spousal fights with your best friends, but if you feel the need to talk about some elements and ask for advice on how friends cope, why aren't we? Why is it people feel they have to only show the Facebook affect...meaning they only share the most gorgeous moments of their lives and marriages.

2010- Year 6-7 - UCSF

Is that honest? Is it real?  I remember when writing all the blogs on Caring Bridge I wanted to be honest about how hard it was with Jack...but every third person who talked to us expressed their concern about the divorce rate amongst couples with sick children. I wanted to share more of the real life elements that were going on.  The arguments in the ICU, the fights when on runs together about hospital bills and who got to be with Emerson. The conflicts over communication with family, what was shared and wasn't shared online, nerves over finances and business. The honest conversations regarding,"What if the surgeries don't work and she doesn't make it?". That is REAL and part of a marriage, and while horrifically tough, it is the process of going through challenges together.  You love the other person so much you power through the crappy times to endure the BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS ones!  You power through the moments of loneliness that can happen when you cope differently with the cards you're dealt, because you know in the end that you'll have the best hand of cards by coming back together. 
 
Last weekend I found out of two more friends who are getting divorced.  We are at the age of first marriages ending.  Yes, rough way to start the weekend as you contemplate the heartache of others. Sadly one dear friend wants to communicate and her husband decided he is already done.  It made me think about this last year and how people who are married don't talk about the hard work that goes into marriage.  I have thought about this for a while, especially when people say about the last year, "You and Jack are so lucky to have each other. You are the best at being teammates."  Yes, they are right. We are great teammates.  We also work very hard and have lows that happen with all of the challenges we've faced. We've had times of eagerness to escape on solo trips to Hawaii, and don't feel that is actually bad.  They are real and true during some times of marriage.  Through those lows we're able to embrace the highs as we finally get through them. 

2011- Years 7-8

I guess I am writing about this to be honest. It is scary in some ways since it sheds light on another layer of who Jack and I are as a couple, but also might honor the hard work we try to put in to growing together.  Yes, we both LAUGH our arses off at life, the glitches, each other, and each little adventure.  However, we are both - now - open to therapy and working towards getting additional tools of communication to learn HOW to talk to each other so they other will hear better.  We look at our parents who have both been married for 41 years, and the hard work and love put into their time together.  They are all in love with their partners and smooch in front of us! They hold hands in public- oh my as Makenzie now teases - and look at each other adoringly. 

I ask you, how is it you and your partner communicate? How did you visualize being married and how has the vision evolved?  How is it you feel you have learned the most over the years and what is it you would love to share about real love? I know for me, I have learned so much and through each unexpected challenge know there is a light at the end that leads to greater sense of communication and support of loving each other...for all that we are and hope to be.

2012- St. Patrick's Day Family Dinner- 3.11.2012 - Our life

Believe & Peace

Soak it in...

Believe:

Trust your intuition

Leap Fearlessly

Embrace Your Truth

Take Flight Toward Your Dreams

Feel the Abundance of your life

Collect Moments of Kindness

Do the think you never thought you could

Celebrate the gift of today

Never give up. Ever.

Peace

Lucky 14

I was running with Emerson yesterday celebrating...it was January 14th, one month exactly that Makenzie was released from UCSF and she has stayed home since! Huge! The date December 14 we marked on the calendar since we came home that night, and circled January 14 as one month after. It is etched in my head especially since it includes the number 14, which is Jack's lucky number, and my due date with Makenzie was April 14, 2003. She has gone back to UCSF for appointments, for tests, ultrasounds and to visit her sweet friend Ryan but she has come home each night to her own bed. Mind you, she has been sleeping in our bed a lot since she has come home, eager to be close and feel safe. But she is under our roof and the four of us are home as a family. So Emerson and I took off for me to run, E to sing to us, and to finish by picking up Makenzie at school.

It was incredibly bright with sunshine dripping down on us. You wouldn't believe it was January, and not only that it was a Friday too which always feels like a day of celebration. We started out on one of my favorite runs from our house: along Pearl with the cute California bungalos, down to Shoreline Drive and along the waterfront, to Crown Beach, and initially I wanted to go further but then realized I had only 15 minutes to get back to pick up Makenzie. Whoops, on my part with time! Emerson had been singing to me and then stopped. I had an inkling she was asleep, peaked in and she was conked out holding Baby Sita (her favorite doll) with her pink baby blanket pulled up to her chin. I look at E and melt every time, she is my little buddy and being a celebration day I couldn't help but feel such joy and celebrate E too. As I turned around to run back, it was more like blast back ... this is where my sprint training comes through... making sure I am on time to pick up Bug from school.

Since E was asleep and our singing and chatter stopped, I started to think my deeper thoughts, and my mind went to how far Makenzie has come in one month. We left the hospital and were so excited, but Makenzie's real healing has happened at home. She is learning how to feel "normal". She has gotten real uninterrupted sleep, been able to rest when she needs to, have quiet time playing with Barbies, read stories to Emerson and gradually gained an appetite again. Through helping Makenzie heal, we all have been healing a little bit. We've also been learning how to work together again as a family of 4 and support each others' nerves as they pop through. But it is this time, actually the past 2 weeks that Makenzie has been in school and Emerson started preschool, that I really am digesting all that has gone on and all Makenzie has overcome. I've said the entire journey that Makenzie is incredibly brave, courageous and has the most incredible love oozing from her. But damn, she seriously rocks and is so brave!

I looked at my watch when at the end of the beach, still one mile plus to go and saw I had 6 minutes until the bell would ring. Being an early dismissal day, it was the first day Makenzie would be leaving with her class verses picked up early since she's been back to school. I was so excited to see her walk out of room #103's door with her classmates so my legs turned into speed wheels, and I pushed the jogger as fast as I could. Phew, made it to the school yard, pulled up to the classroom door with a smile on my face but sweat dripping down my back and there bounds out Makenzie with a huge grin from ear to ear. A quick, "Hi Mom! Casey and I can't wait for our playdate tonight, but I'm going to play tag now. Ok?". She ran to PLAY TAG...one month after leaving the hospital, 2 weeks into starting school again and Makenzie can play tag with her friends in the small play-yard. My eyes were welled with tears watching her sweet self, she oozed joy and happiness. Listening to "eenie meenie miney mo, catch a tiger by it's toe...." as the kids were picking who would be "it" again was music to my ears. Normal kid noises are part of our life again, not just beeps and medical lingo. Wahoo!

After Makenzie played for about 5 minutes her energy window was used up, but her blissful window was still open. She launched over to me, took my hand and we started walking home planning our afternoon and her dinner playdate with Casey. One month marker, big month of events, and many more months to go. I know I won't ever feel secure until Makenzie's pseudocyst is completely gone and there is an answer why this happened, but one month has passed since we left UCSF's 4th floor and we are all moving along to our new normal. Go Makenzie go...my little rockstar.

No such thing as the end, there are only new beginnings- Parenthood