Life is good...Mud RUN good

You know what, life is GOOD!  Yep, I think when you work through heartache, balance, leaping from one heavy obstacle to the next, it is just bound to be GOOD!  I have often felt over the past years that the unfortunate hiccups make the heavy moments feel that much richer, even in their horrible elements.  Yes, seems odd to some probably.  I am writing right now as my girls are cuddled up in jammies, enjoying Saturday morning cartoons and ready to make the 3-day weekend last forever.

In March, when I entered the Children's Hospital writing contest, I put myself out there in many ways.  I wrote openly and honestly about how hard being married was when faced with challenges.  I talked about how the last year was the hardest one yet, which it was.  In essence it was because Jack and I had to face issues head on, without any protective lenses.  We spoke some harsh words and learned through communicating poorly, how we also knew at the base of it we are a great team and can communicate beautifully.  While daunting, it taught me a lot about my marriage and how strong our partnership is.  After posting the piece, I received emails from friends sharing heartfelt messages about feelings of now not "being alone", and "I thought my husband and I were the only ones who had challenges like this".  The honesty in my essay helped open communication among others, and within my own friend circle.  For that I am grateful.  How life continues to have great things come from challenging situations...not being a finalist in the contest after opening my soul was hard, but the element of open communication amongst friends supporting one another is a forever gift.

Before the mud and obstacles

Thus, it's all good right now.  Last Saturday, Jack and I did a MudRun, which seemed parallel in funny ways how good life feels"after running through a lot of mud".  Literally feels good to my core and inner being.  It was our 4th weekend in a row of doing an athletic event together; a foundation of who we are as a team.  When we rode Wildflower 65 mile bike ride on April 29th, we took off from my family and got to enjoy working together to pull each other up and down the hills.  It was Jack's first metric century, and I got to help him with some cycling skills while he encouraged me with my first metric century post double knee surgery.  We did the same on Saturday through the mud and obstacles.  We were both excited and motivated to have FUN, no race timing chip, just FUN.

Ready to rock the race

At the starting line, all of us were dancing with our friends, Chris and Linda. Makenzie and Emerson were ready to cheer us on while being the course "photographers".  They got to hang with our friend, Linda, who is cutely pregnant and wasn't about to bop her baby belly through the obstacle course.  The laughter started at the beginning, and continued throughout.  In the first 60 seconds of standing by the registration booth, we saw people dressed in Wonder Woman and Batgirl costumes to military men covered in mud...we knew we were in a for a memorable day.

To me, the dirty part of the mud didn't seem daunting, but invigorating for some reason. It made the event seem a bit more adventurous compared to regular runs and triathlons, which seemed exciting.  I wanted a lot of challenges to take on and overcome; bring on the ropes, muddy tires and sprints. We lined up for our 12:30 wave at the starting line and the music blasted all around. Some people looked stiff and nervous, while others looked intense like warriors on a mission.  The three of us looked like 30-somethings who didn't give a flying poo about their rhythm, but wanted to dance, race and laugh. Emerson, Makenzie and Linda watched and waved laughing at us and the girls were dancing too. The energy in the air was that of FUN. Everyone was to have FUN.

3.2.1.....START!  Jack, Chris and I ran through the race arch and were on our way. We embarked on a few hills right in the beginning. Sweeeeet. I love to climb hills and felt good. It was about 93 degrees and blistering sun which made it more of a challenge. Gradually, Chris fell into his own pace and Jack and I were running alongside each other.  He is such a solid runner and competitive athlete, I can't help but race better when alongside him. He maneuvers his body like a gazelle at times, hopping from foot to foot with a comfortable cadence. First obstacle approached; 3 7-8 foot walls to climb over.  Both of us jumped up and over confidently.  Running continued up and down some  hills. Next obstacle of muddy barrels.  Clump clump went the mud when it latched onto our running shoes.  We kept moving, at this point I was a bit ahead of Jack on another climb. My legs and knees felt strong and solid. Phew, 5 months post surgery and my body was doing what it's supposed to do. Another few obstacle walls we blasted over independently and then...one that was to high. Heck, I am 5'1", not the tallest girl by any means. Before I could even ask, Jack bent over and yelled, "Erin, just jump on my back. You got this." With a quick jump and leap, I was up and over the wall.  Jack's "back stool" repeated two more times until we were at the tires. Quick steps through each muddy tire; using agility work that came easy from teaching so many boot camp classes.

After the tires Jack looked at me with a smirk, "We're not muddy enough. Where is the MUD??  Erin, I think we're the first in our wave now too." Ah, the competitive boy is always there, and funnily enough I had already noticed the same thing.  We embarked on more groups of runners and passed them as we swished through the obstacles and on the trail. Up one hill we heard screaming and cheering. Two big walls, and I mean big.  The outline of some people standing at the bottom just staring up with feet paralyzed in the dirt.  As we approached, we saw their faces that had fearful expressions. I yelled to Jack, "Just do it! GO". The first wall had 2 inch pieces of wood ledges you could grab onto that were spaced about 4 feet apart. If you didn't grasp well, you'd fall down to the bottom, or on top of the person below you. There was a strong guy, about 25 years old and 6 feet tall, climbing next to me, For each wide stretch my legs took to reach the ledge, he glided up, but was nervous looking down to the ground. We teased each other and raced to the top. At the top, flipped around and climbed down the rope net ladder. At this point I heard Makenzie and Emerson yelling, "Go Mommy! Go, race Daddy, GO FAST Mooooom!".  It felt great to high five their little hands and continue on to the next part...a steep down hill to more up and down. I have to admit, the downhill scared me with my knees. I wanted to mentally feel "normal", but after double knee surgery this is my "new normal" and while I climbed down it was OK! Jack was in front looking back with a gleam in his eye and yelled, "How are they now? Feeling good? Should we push through the mud?". "Sure!" I cheered back.  I didn't realize what he really meant until I saw the mud pit in front of him.

We came upon a mud pit that looked like a pig's dream home. People were trying to edge around it and not get muddy....until Jack leaped in doing a dive roll.  Head to toe covered in mud.  It made everyone gasp and Jack grin.  I followed suit, not a dive roll, but blasted through.  Speedy and muddy up the hill laughing at Jack. Next mud pit, we both just crawled through and went all out.  There was one thing with running through splattering mud, but another with blasting through it on all fours. At this point, we were committed to the mud and getting down and dirty. Out of the second big pit, climbed up globbing along and determined to finish fast. More mud, another wall and mini climbs up we accomplished.  Next we heard the cheers looking up to see people watching down at the final obstacles. Barbed wire to crawl under through mud pits.  We plowed through as some others were tip-toeing around trying not to get dirty.  At this point I just smiled and laughed at them, "You're in a mud run. Get dirty! It will wash off later." Under the final wire, upright position found, ran to the finish line alongside Jack. It was INCREDIBLE! We had grins ear to ear and were on Cloud Nine.  Someone came up yelling at me, "It was so fun to watch you two not caring and having fun! Thank you!".  Ah, made my day since we just did what we wanted to and as Jack pointed out, came out in the end the first in our wave of 200+ runners. 

Want a hug Girls??

We ran to see the girls and Linda at the top of the hill by the obstacles.  The girls wouldn't hug us but made faces instead. I couldn't stop jumping and smiling....and spotted Chris climbing down the rope ladder.  He waved and asked where the mud was...before I knew what was happening I popped in to run the last third of the race with him too.  This time covered in mud, which got Chris eager to join our muddy selves.  Chris calls me his "Mini Motivator", which I tried to live up to while wiping mud from my mouth as I spoke". Chris and I ran through the obstacles, mud pits and up the hill at the end with him joining us in the full mud fun too.

At the end, the three of us were covered head to toe, in mud, and huge smiles. Linda, Makenzie and Emerson took pictures of us and the moment immediately etched in my mind as a favorite of all time. It could have been the camaraderie, the physical challenge, the support, competing outside the traditional running box, overcoming new races post surgery and the partnership with Jack.  We washed off the mud with huge water trucks that just sprayed us down. We were still a bit dirty with mud gobs in places they shouldn't be, but from the outside looked rinsed and ready to start again.

It is parallel to where we are in life.  The entire mud run was.  Jack and I are an incredible team, especially with the cheering on of our daughters. We have run through one mud pit after another, but always put a hand out to help one another get through it. Sometimes our entire bodies are covered in layers of mud, but we know it's an obstacle we'll get through.  We leap over puddles, run through them, sometimes fall down and climb over walls.  At the end, through companionship and teamwork, we get washed off and get to run a new race.  It may take a few washes to clean us off (my sports bra still has some dirt in it!), but we'll get there and be ready to leap and laugh.  Our life may be muddy, but our LIFE IS GOOD! 

Life is GOOD!! 

Definitely WILL

"We acquire the strength we have overcome." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Girls in the wheelchair ready for me to use!

It has been 11 days since both of my knees were operated to become "bionic".  While I know that in due time they will feel much better, I truly DO believe and understand that, I recently had a few days of "Pity Party Table of One".  The nerves of the surgery not "working", frustrations of not being able to rotate my feet and knees comfortably, angst of pain while sleeping, and the lack of endorphin rush I get from exercising were starting to wear on me.  BUT I am blown away with how great I have felt too!  The first day I could walk...yes I used the walker, but I was able to walk a bit and hold myself up on both legs. Both of my knees were operated on...that felt wild.  The nurse said in her 9.5 years working at the surgery center, she only had one other patient have double knee surgery.  To compare he wasn't able to walk on both legs for a while.  I thought for sure the girls would be pushing me in the wheelchair, as they were to eager to call me their "old mama".

The first week I had meds in me...lots and lots of meds.  I was a good patient, taking them every 4 hours as prescribed.  I "signed" an agreement with my orthopedic surgeon that I would listen to my body and not do much.  I iced every 90 minutes for 60 minutes, and still am icing, A LOT!  The icing is good since it makes me sit down and "chill"...no pun intended.  I hadn't felt the urge to push it and exercise; I was overly focused on being a good patient and having a strong recovery.  This is a surgery that affects not only my knees for doing competitive sports; but my livelihood being a personal trainer and fitness business owner, my anxiety through healthy stress release in exercise and my ability to partake in many of our fun family active adventures. While it seems frustrating, I know it is temporary. It is interesting though, I had friends and family asking daily how I was holding on.  They know me way to well and have been phenomenal!  They were supportive and kind, curious if I was jonesing yet to take off and "go".  I felt ok until Christmas Eve.

Emerson riding to help pass out bread- She "Believes"

Day 6 had me eager to move and get out of our house.  We walked to Pappo to help at the Christmas Eve soup kitchen.  The girls rode their bikes and I was able to walk holding onto E's bike's handle bars.  We had planned on helping out for a long while and knowing it was only 1 mile to Park Street, I thought I'd be ok.  It felt SO GOOD to be out and helping other people.  TO help those in need and give them a smile. I may have been hobbling a bit from table to table, but the girls enjoyed it and knew they were fortunate.  While I may have been healing from my surgeries, I knew that we healed from being supported by family through jobloss related relocation or Makenzie's long term hospitalization last year.  Those we were helping aren't so fortunate and many, the girls found out, don't have families to love them. Yes it hurt when I got bopped while turning to pass a plate, or squeezing by a family to sit down.  But the message of how blessed we are was needed by all of us.

Icing in the office at Pappo- small price to help others 12.24.11

After Pappo my knees were a bit sore so I pulled back my walking. Christmas was full of fun, presents, painting and enjoying family.  I stopped the intense pain meds since they were to much on my system. Thus I enjoyed some needed wine.  Dad's wine tasting was much more appreciated because yes, it did help with some of the pain. We celebrated how far we have come and grateful we all are for the little things, with my brother, Tyler, throwing in some funny and lame comments of course, but  reinforcing again that the double knee surgery is temporary.

Day 10- feeling pain.  My post - op appointment was  rescheduled by Dr. Z on account of jury duty and is now scheduled for January 4th.  The eagerness to move has started to grow. Reading all the Facebook posts by my peer personal trainers to their clients, mapping out my own goals for my clients and the desire to focus on New GOALS for 2012 has started the bubbling to burst even bigger in my belly to train hard.  And yes, I do have a little belly now from not exercising for 11 days over the Holidays. Your body can shift, remember that peeps!  Use it or lose it!  This little tummy is temporary too, I do know, but the excitement for training has me excited and nervous.  Thus...the words Definitely and Will.  

The wise bicycling Makenzie- Age 7.5   Dec. 29, 2011

Yesterday on Day 10 we walked to the park with the girls. They rode their new bikes and for me, upon going to the park for the first time in 11 days, I felt a bit nervous.  I have felt stronger walking each day, but what about uneven bark chips. How would I hold up?  The imbalance was surprisingly ok, but I forgot I would have to say, "No I can't yet girls".  No to tag, no to monkey bars, no to pushing E on the swings, no to dinosaur tag.  So Makenzie asked me to try and do some push ups on the raised portion of the play structure.   Yes, she is my daughter and learned well.  I did. I started with 20... damn it felt good.  I did another 20 and then followed with 3 sets of 25.  I felt on top of the world and then....I felt my patellas from the pressure.  I had tried push ups a few days prior using our elevated steps to place my hands and relieve the body weight pressure.  It was too intense and painful on my knee caps.  But it was a positive physical step.  I looked over at Jack and started silently crying.  He was running, chasing a squeeling Emerson, and my heart felt heavy.  The thought of, "What if I did this surgery and it didn't work" passed through my head.  Since I was quiet I thought Makenzie didn't notice, but she did.

Makenzie's serious COACH face. "Definitely WILL"

Makenzie came over, looked at me straight in the face and pulled me to her chest in a tight hug. She released me and asked, " Mom, what is the matter?  Are you ok?". I said, "I am watching your Daddy run with Emerson and I hope I will be fast at running again. I hope that my surgery took and I will be faster at running and can race with you and your sister when you are older. I really hope so.".  Makenzie immediately grabbed my cheeks, and looked me straight in the eyes again.  She said:

" Mom, YOU know better than that. 

You replace Hope with Definite 

and So with WILL. 

There is NO HOPE SO. 

There is ONLY DEFINITELY WILL. 

YOU WILL BE FASTER AND STRONGER.

I PROMISE."

More tears now streaming down my cheeks and I smiled saying, "Makenzie, did I teach that to you? If so, you listened and great job on your timing, kid.". She responded, "No Mom, it's all from up here (pointing to her brain). But you can use it if you want since it's true." Ah, Makenzie,  what a wise soul. I feel so grateful she was a miracle blessed to my life. 

NOW, for all of you wishing to make goals for 2012 happen, think of a wise 7.5 year old. Don't ever say: HOPE and SO.  But you say, "I DEFINITELY WILL!".  

Much love and many goals and challenges to overcome to make us stronger in the New Year~ 

Erin Kreitz Shirey

100 days

Tomorrow marks the last 100 days of 2011.  For some reason, this resonates with me this year.  At first when realizing that I had my business/trainer hat on and thought of 100 days of 100 push/ups day or 100 exercise challenge each day. But this is a different year. 

Maybe because I just realized that last year on the 100th day till 2011, our lives were forever changed.  We began living a journey full of medical terms, ICU's, being stretched so thin, hearts so full yet so broken, and trying to squeeze every ounce of hope and faith each day had to offer.  Last year at this time I was in Portland, Oregon, visiting girlfriends and at a business conference for The Power MOB. While laughing and having fun, it was a rare time I was away from my family by myself.  Wednesday, September 22nd, Makenzie got ready for school and threw up in the bushes in front of Mom and Dad's house. On day 99, I rushed her to the ER. That began our wild ride...on the 100th day to the end of 2010. 

This year will be DIFFERENT!  After I finish writing, I am going to come up with a list with Makenzie, Emerson and Jack for what our family can do for the last 100 days.  For us, these 100 days signal that we made it. We have had the odds against us as a family.  Last year, many shared with concern that hospitalized kids, job loss, and relocation alone are cause for families to break up.  We experienced all of those in 9 months time. And now, come 101 days from this moment, we will have survived the post year mark with love and understanding.  That, to me, is HUGE!  It has been a journey I don't wish to repeat, but am forever fortunate and grateful for. The 4 of us learned how strong our family unit is in a much deeper level than I thought possible...because of it. 

100 days means: 
100 days to say I love you to my family
100 chances to do something great for someone
100 days to embrace all the emotions of the past year
100 days to allow myself to grieve the "normal" time I did lose last year with my kids, and fully appreciate the last 100 days I have with them right now to play all day long
100 days means 100 x to try new exercises
100 days to write 100 letters to friends & family
100 days to run at least 3 miles/day  
100 days to enjoy each sunrise and sunset
100 days to call friends and family to hear their voices
100 days to send Jack love letters at work
100 days to dance out loud, laugh hard with deep belly laughs, and have pillow and water fights with my family
100 days to laugh with my girls as we do the running man like nobody's business
100 days to appreciate all that is around and take it in....truly take and embrace all the joy, challenge, love, emotion, differences, peacefulness, and precious moments that life gives us

What are you going to do for your 100 days?

Cheers to the last 100 days of 2011!  Muah! Stoller Vineyards, Oregon 8.28.11

National Running Day!

Run run run run!!!  It is a great day, National Running Day, did you get your miles in?  I love that a day is dedicated to encourage everyone to lace up and run.  Even if you never have run down your block, go for it today!  It is your day to move and have fun doing so.  Learn that your body is made to be active, not sitting at a desk.
Have fun and count how many runners you see today.  Emerson and I did just that and counted 15 runners.  We had a great 5.5 mile run and literally within 5 minutes of putting away the jogger, it started to pour rain like Noah needed water for his Arc!  Have fun, get your miles in, and remember, you don't melt in the rain when you run! 

Cheers and Happy Running!!!

Running in fog but through the wind

Yesterday was one of the windiest days and one of the clearest in many months.  It has been a ride the past 6 weeks post UCSF, especially the past 5 that Makenzie has been back in school and we have all been back to our new normal lives.  She is doing incredible, which brings a huge sense of peace, but also scare.  The nerves of not knowing if she will go back to the hospital are trying, but also gradually going to the side when allowed. 

Last week I had a list of things to get done with re-launching my business and the fitness challenge coming up, but Emerson was very punky and needed to be home getting better.  She had a cold that is pretty brutal.  It's not a big deal though compared to anything else and we just moved along and went with how she felt. So I dropped my "to do list" and cuddled a lot.  She would cough through the night, whine out and immediately we'd jump to get her.  When snuggling in our bed she would pull us right close, so tight that we are cheek to cheek all night, and then would cough all night.  Lovely visual, eh? Let me tell you it is a gift to be a Mom, but moments like that of coughs in your face as you calm your kiddo let you know it is a nonstop "gift" of patience and calm since you know you're next in line for the cold. 

Emerson being an RSV-pertusis- pneumonia kid has us worried when she catches a cold since she can go from 0 to 60 in a few hours.  I took her to the doctor's on Tuesday to take a peak and see. It was the best MD appointment we've had in a very long time.....no ears or throat infections and Makenzie read to her the entire visit.  Gradually she got better and then I got it.  No big deal though, I run through it.  I know it can be much worse and outside of my running gloves being washed after each runny nose induced run, it's all good.   But why was it I still was getting flustered and feeling foggy?  Why, some mornings after teaching or training, would I feel a punch to my gut and some nerves being stirred?  I was doing everything right I thought.  We were all getting a routine, Jack and I were communicating about schedules, and talking a lot about our own balance within the family.  E had no ear or throat infections and loves school and M was doing incredible in school making it 'till 1:30 most days already.  Yet I couldn't get the weight off my shoulders to feel "light". 

Then yesterday I had a revelation when running with Emerson. I booked it to pick her up at preschool since I was almost late, going against an intense wind.  She wanted to picnic after school so I brought her lunch even remembering her favorite yogurt.  We enjoyed lunch with some friends and I had a nice time watching as she interacted with her buddy S.  She was talking about her "friends" and smiling a lot.  When the wind almost blew us away, we decided to run "home", but I knew I had to get some miles in and we'd be running a long way home.  E was singing to me and talking to her doll, Baby Sita, for a while and suddenly stopped.  I peaked in and she was conked out, looking so sweet and yummy all bundled up protected from the wind.  I continued on the beach path.  When looking out across the Bay to San Francisco the crisp beauty took me away.  The city popped out like on a postcard. 

In all this windy clarity it hit me....I have been given the time to process what happened with Makenzie and to "move on" and be grateful she made it.  But I fear that if I move to far forward I am setting myself up for disappointment and scare if she suddenly has to go back to UCSF.  I have been working on creating balance again, a sense of structure and schedule for not only Makenzie but for all of us.  My business is set for training between 4:45-7:45 am, so I don't miss time with the girls or Jack and can work with my clients and boot camps.  Emerson has Preschool twice each week, Makenzie is doing better each day and gaining even more courage.  Jack is loving his job and feels good, even tough he works late because he is happy with what he is doing.  All of this is incredible...and feeling clean and bright.  It feels good and blissful in many ways, but it is starting to feel like when we moved into our house and were starting to feel settled last September.  It was the time right when Makenzie got sick and our lives were changed. I think that is what scares me. 

Yesterday morning a friend from Makenzie's school asked me if we knew the cause for what happened. She asked me with a fearful laugh adding, "Do you know so we can all make sure to not do it?".  I didn't take it as rude, I took it as her being nervous about it happening again and concerned if it could happen to her daughter.  We've been asked the question regularly by friends and acquaintances and dealt with it each time with similar answers, such as "We have no idea, she is an anomoly". But  I go back and repeat every event leading up to Makenzie getting sick; thinking if there was any moment we could have prevented what happened.  If there was anything we could have done to avoid her experiencing all the pain, scares and scars.  But as we've been told by the doctor's, there isn't any rhyme or reason why and if it will happen again.  Still, I ask myself and have to find courage and peace to face the answer of no answer.

When I stopped at the beach to look at the City, I realized I am scared BUT craving balance because it means we will be getting more and more back to "normal".  But we'll never be "normal" again, and knowing anything can change in an instant, is scary.  We just have to LIVE and know it's OK to be scared about the unanswered questions.  It is not being pessimistic as someone said to me, as I am a glass "half full" type of person, BUT I don't have to be brave all the time and am allowed to be scared of being "normal" again. Normal is when our world fell apart...and we had to just go with it and not resist but be patient and pray.   I feel clearer with the ability of knowing that it's ok to grieve as I heal since the more we get back to normal, the harder it will be if anything happens again.  But being back in a normal routine balances out my inner peace, and normalcy is ok. It doesn't mean a rug will be pulled out from under us again, it means we can just "live" each day.  It means I can keep running and not have to stop for long periods of time. But if I do, I know how to pick up and keep going again and again.

Lucky 14

I was running with Emerson yesterday celebrating...it was January 14th, one month exactly that Makenzie was released from UCSF and she has stayed home since! Huge! The date December 14 we marked on the calendar since we came home that night, and circled January 14 as one month after. It is etched in my head especially since it includes the number 14, which is Jack's lucky number, and my due date with Makenzie was April 14, 2003. She has gone back to UCSF for appointments, for tests, ultrasounds and to visit her sweet friend Ryan but she has come home each night to her own bed. Mind you, she has been sleeping in our bed a lot since she has come home, eager to be close and feel safe. But she is under our roof and the four of us are home as a family. So Emerson and I took off for me to run, E to sing to us, and to finish by picking up Makenzie at school.

It was incredibly bright with sunshine dripping down on us. You wouldn't believe it was January, and not only that it was a Friday too which always feels like a day of celebration. We started out on one of my favorite runs from our house: along Pearl with the cute California bungalos, down to Shoreline Drive and along the waterfront, to Crown Beach, and initially I wanted to go further but then realized I had only 15 minutes to get back to pick up Makenzie. Whoops, on my part with time! Emerson had been singing to me and then stopped. I had an inkling she was asleep, peaked in and she was conked out holding Baby Sita (her favorite doll) with her pink baby blanket pulled up to her chin. I look at E and melt every time, she is my little buddy and being a celebration day I couldn't help but feel such joy and celebrate E too. As I turned around to run back, it was more like blast back ... this is where my sprint training comes through... making sure I am on time to pick up Bug from school.

Since E was asleep and our singing and chatter stopped, I started to think my deeper thoughts, and my mind went to how far Makenzie has come in one month. We left the hospital and were so excited, but Makenzie's real healing has happened at home. She is learning how to feel "normal". She has gotten real uninterrupted sleep, been able to rest when she needs to, have quiet time playing with Barbies, read stories to Emerson and gradually gained an appetite again. Through helping Makenzie heal, we all have been healing a little bit. We've also been learning how to work together again as a family of 4 and support each others' nerves as they pop through. But it is this time, actually the past 2 weeks that Makenzie has been in school and Emerson started preschool, that I really am digesting all that has gone on and all Makenzie has overcome. I've said the entire journey that Makenzie is incredibly brave, courageous and has the most incredible love oozing from her. But damn, she seriously rocks and is so brave!

I looked at my watch when at the end of the beach, still one mile plus to go and saw I had 6 minutes until the bell would ring. Being an early dismissal day, it was the first day Makenzie would be leaving with her class verses picked up early since she's been back to school. I was so excited to see her walk out of room #103's door with her classmates so my legs turned into speed wheels, and I pushed the jogger as fast as I could. Phew, made it to the school yard, pulled up to the classroom door with a smile on my face but sweat dripping down my back and there bounds out Makenzie with a huge grin from ear to ear. A quick, "Hi Mom! Casey and I can't wait for our playdate tonight, but I'm going to play tag now. Ok?". She ran to PLAY TAG...one month after leaving the hospital, 2 weeks into starting school again and Makenzie can play tag with her friends in the small play-yard. My eyes were welled with tears watching her sweet self, she oozed joy and happiness. Listening to "eenie meenie miney mo, catch a tiger by it's toe...." as the kids were picking who would be "it" again was music to my ears. Normal kid noises are part of our life again, not just beeps and medical lingo. Wahoo!

After Makenzie played for about 5 minutes her energy window was used up, but her blissful window was still open. She launched over to me, took my hand and we started walking home planning our afternoon and her dinner playdate with Casey. One month marker, big month of events, and many more months to go. I know I won't ever feel secure until Makenzie's pseudocyst is completely gone and there is an answer why this happened, but one month has passed since we left UCSF's 4th floor and we are all moving along to our new normal. Go Makenzie go...my little rockstar.

No such thing as the end, there are only new beginnings- Parenthood

Gift

Makenzie is home from the hospital- sigh, relief, fear, nerves, loves, hugs, joy and again...fear. I can't help but want her to feel free as a bird after being cooped up for the past few months, yet at the same time I want her to be in our little cage of a house so I know she is safe and won't get sick or hurt. Part of the joy in being home is we can gradually have Makenzie doing things when the busy times with the kids aren't happening. The swings in the morning, hot cocoa at 1:00pm, or a run down the beach in the middle of the morning with me pushing her while she's reading her book. That is what we settled on today, and it was bliss.

To say Makenzie has matured since September 22nd would be an understatement. To say we have all matured since 9-22-10 is a fact that I almost don't want to deal with. I don't like to think of the medical ordeals Makenzie has gone through, the little sweet voice of Emerson asking if she can visit Makenzie or "Is Makenzie still in ICU? Can I visit her when she is out of ICU?" repeatedly, the nerve filled conversations talking about the big issues parents never want to discuss with Jack, or the basic stressors of what is for dinner for the parent who was home when the grocery store was the last item on the daily agenda. But those gray hairs and wrinkles we've occurred are nothing in comparison to the knowledge and skills Makenzie has developed. She is an expert with putting in IV's and will tell you all about it. She is skilled in knowing when she is being distracted from a procedure that will hurt by the luring of a DVD or coloring book. She is aware if the tests done and how her body responds to them.

But Makenzie is also more at peace with being IN the moment than she was before. She is 6.5 years old but has seen life's changed and altered within a moment of a doctor entering the room. Thus, she is able to be at peace with what event and activities we do. That is a gift I wish ALL people had. I don't wish upon anyone the ordeal that has happened to my sweet daughter, but I do wish ALL people had the ability to truly be present and open to what activities are going on. AS the hours of 2010 are dwindling by, how often have you been present and aware of the life around you? Hopefully A LOT, and if not, it is a gift to open up and embrace in 2011. It is a gift I hope Makenzie can share with all people she meets, and for the rest of her life. It is a gift she had me open up again, and this time, I promise to embrace each moment tighter than before.