23

Fall is the season in our house that holds deep significance.  Each leaf that falls from the tree is a meaning of life evolving, and how time passes.  With each Season comes brilliance, energy and hope for what it holds.  For me, September is a heartfelt time.  Interestingly enough, it resonates with other friends whom are close to us, and many school friends.  This past week on the playground, 12 different friends have asked how Makenzie's health is doing.  Trying to sound strong while being real, I share, "She is doing great and shows no symptoms of even having Type 1 Diabetes yet.  We take it as it comes and for now, she is a walking miracle. She rocks her 1/3 pancreas like it's nobody's business".

But honestly, I look at the Fall date of September 23rd as a marker. September 23rd, 2010, is when I rushed Makenzie to the hospital. It is a date that forever changed my entire families life. It's a date when my oldest daughter didn't recognize me at all.  It is when I looked at her big eyes, trying to stare into her soul, and thought her soul was being lifted away from me.

Flag catching, 9.20.2010

I had been in Portland for the Power MOB business conference from September 21-23rd. Honestly, it was an excuse to visit my heart city and be with some of my best girlfriends.  Rarely do I get away without the kids. While in Portland, Makenzie had fallen ill with stomach flu on September 22nd.  Keeping in constant touch with Jack and my Mom, they said to stay in Portland and enjoy myself.  As the day progressed, Jack shared she wasn't feeling better and after going to the pediatrician, they agreed she'd stay home the next day.  I asked my Mom if I should take an earlier flight. She said enjoy my morning and she'd be with Makenzie. The next morning, I attempted to "enjoy the time" while running the Leif Erickson trails with my dear friend, Sheri.  However, my gut wasn't feeling right.  It was heavy and I had an inkling something was off.  Upon calling Mom at the airport, she said Makenzie seemed dehydrated and that when I got home we should have her checked up again.  The less than two hour flight felt like ten hours.  Even with my Mom saying Makenzie just seemed dehydrated, my Mother instinct was on overload.  It was like I was being guided by airplane controllers waving their lights signaling, "All factors point towards your daughter being really sick. Be ready to run off the plane to take care of her".

My Dad picked me up from the airport, and as he pulled in front of my house I booked it inside to see Makenzie. My Mom looked at me and said, "Erin she isn't doing well and still can't keep things down. She just started the mouth bubbles after the last time we talked. I think she is sicker than stomach flu." Her eyes were as big as saucers, little face was foaming at the mouth, skin pale, body warm but extremities cold and she had no recognition of me.  Her mother. The woman who carried her for 9 months and nurtured her every day since birth. I held her and said nervously to my own Mom, "She isn't good Mom. She seems like it could be more than dehydration. I think we should go to Children's Hospital to give her fluids".  As my Dad drove the car, I said out loud with a focused tone I didn't know I possessed, "It has to be dehydration. I left 2 days ago with a dynamic 6 year old who was swimming alongside me, and now she seems so weak.  She must need to just keep her fluids down."  I had no idea how hard her strong little body had been working to fight off all the demons of broken down organs. Calling the pediatrician en route, I was rubbing Makenzie's hand hoping she'd recognize me. She didn't.

Hospital Life - 9.23.2010-12.16.2010

When we arrived at Children's Hospital Oakland, the nurses took Makenzie's vitals. While doing so, she shook like mad and had a seizure.  That seizure rushed us to the ER into a myriad of medical mayhem.  Makenzie was taken from my arms, laid on the table, and tubes started going in and out of her.  I maintained my calm, praying in my heart and mind to my God...Please let her be strong.  What is going on God, please let my Miracle be strong. Let her know we love her and let her please hear our voices.  I continued to talk to Makenzie as her eyes wandered through the faces above her, not knowing what was going on, but so out of her own body that she couldn't wince in pain.  My Dad had joined in the room than and stood behind me.  He rubbed my back with his big hands attempting to provide comfort, doing this while I rubbed Bug's legs simultaneously, hoping my touch could heal her body too.

Medical terms, questions, big words, talking above Makenzie's head, whispered conversations amongst the doctors, and a feeling of the unknown.  You could feel the room's nerves, since the medical team had no idea what was going on with Makenzie.  Every few minutes another pediatric specialist came in to do a test they could use to rule out the unknown.  When Jack arrived rushing in from work 30 minutes later, there was still no idea. The next hours felt like years.  Makenzie's body couldn't hold anything in.  It was breaking down. Each organ had decided to fail and not work together.  We are a TEAM, our little family unit, and her little team of a body decided to disagree with....each...organ.

Courage = Embracing Life's Challenges

Guilt began to rise within me.  What if she didn't recognize me again? What if she had gotten an infection to  her brain? What if I hadn't gone away and stayed home with the girls?  What if her body was breaking down and wouldn't come back? What if ....so many what ifs rose up and enveloped my mind. While doing so, my inner voice screamed, "Don't go there Erin. DO NOT allow those thoughts to enter your body".

Beautiful Miracle- 8.16.2012

The pain of watching your helpless child, and not being able to connect with them, is an experience I don't wish upon anyone.  To stand there, praying they can hear your voice to calm them, praying that if it is their last moments in the world they could feel your love cradling their body is a living nightmare.  It is a feeling that now, almost 2 years after it happened, I sometimes still experience.  It is a feeling that doesn't wash away with countless showers, or with therapy sessions. Only with time.  It is one that likes to present itself when you think of the date that forever changed your life.

But it is also a time when you learn miracles do exist! It is a date that I associate with strength and courage, because on that date, we found out on a deeper level what our daughter was made of. It is a date that allowed me to trust my inner Mom voice.  It is a date that cemented Jack's and my partnership as parents, knowing we would not let our daughters down when they needed us most.  It is a date that even with haunting me, reminds me how far Makenzie has come.  

While watching her playing tag on the playground yesterday, pink leggings tight on her round buns, I felt grateful.  Another Mom asked me how she was doing, I said with a smile, "Look at her. She is doing incredible and taking it each day as it comes.  She knows what happened in a more mature level now, but she also is aware of how strong she is and what she is capable of overcoming."   I believe, September 23rd reminds us all of that.


Visit the Believe in ME Foundation to help provide quality childcare for siblings of hospitalized kids.

12.16.11...last day...

Today was my last day teaching Power Fitness PDX until February 2012...double knee surgery is on Monday. 3 days until life will be altered on this teeter totter and I will be off balance in every sense of the phrase.

Teaching Power Fitness PDX and owning my own business has given me a sense of focus, discipline, support, enthusiasm, spirit, appreciation of my own community, and appreciation of the strengths I possess and can share with others. While there have been many days this last year that I have woken up in the middle of the night with nerves about Makenzie and her health and future, Emerson's growth and her quality time with us, my marriage and how challenging having a sick child/job loss/relocation/coping with it all is very different and straining and how I just want to be present and LIVE LOUDLY(vibrantly and embracing each bit of fun and joy) and CONFIDENTLY...has to be put aside so I can support the incredible men and women who come to PFPDX.

Training the TEAM has given me a gift of focus and reason to put on my work and motivational hat. To put aside my own concerns while I help them get stronger and reach their goals. I am beyond eternally grateful.  Without realizing it, many of them have given me back the sense of normalcy I had been craving with every ounce of my being after having a hospitalized child post relocating and starting over.

Now that I taught my last class for 6 weeks I have to focus on embarking on another challenge...double knee surgery.  It is more uncertainty, but the definite I know is I look forward to February when I can put my own fears and challenges aside by starting my days  training Power Fitness PDXers.

I look forward to embracing these challenges of not teaching by using my time rehabbing so I can become stronger. To become more knowledgeable and a greater pillar of coaching to help them surpass all their goals.  The TEAM helped me so very much this year...and honestly I made it to this point more focused than ever before. I can only hope to continue and help them to this same level too...

Lemonade

Friday afternoon was blissful. It could have gone horribly wrong, but it didn't, and I can't help but think it was in part because of the girls knowing you have to make lemonade out of lemons!

Friday was Makenzie's last day of Hidden Cove Summer Camp for the week. By Fridays all of us are a bit tired, ready to play but also ready to chill in the same.  Emerson and I rode the bike trailer to the beach to pick up Makenzie and had a planned beach-playdate with her dear friend, C, and her wonderful Mom, J.  Makenzie and C changed into their swimsuits, grabbed the buckets and ran right into the water.  E was sleeping in the trailer, which was perfect and necessary since she needed her naps by Friday.  J and I actually had some time to talk and debrief over life's events.  We watched the girls play in the sand, dive in the Bay, chase each other and honestly just have fun being kids.  It was easy and perfect.  E woke up a bit groggy and gradually made her way to the sand.  She jumped right in too, excitedly wearing her new turquoise 2-piece and shaked her boomer all the way to the sand.

While my toes were nestling in the sand, the sunshine warming my chest and conversation flowing between J and I, my thoughts were of "this is a perfect Friday afternoon in Summer!".  After 90 minutes it was time to pack up and ride home.  I wanted enough time to get ready for that night, as part of my Happiness Project is to spend more time with my own girl friends and I had a playdate at Rock Wall's Champagne tasting I didn't want to miss.  All were buckled, ready to ride home and feeling the Friday fatigue of a good week. The girls and I were singing loudly and then I heard a "bang-bang-bang".  I continued on, but the sound did too. I stopped, checked the trailer and the tires.  TWO flat tires. Oh man, we were only at the Windsurf Shack which means another 3 miles until our house.  My initial thoughts were this can be fine, and let's hope E and M don't have meltdowns.

While checking both tires looking for any objects in them, a nice man who was running, stopped too. He kindly went over the tires sharing he was sorry he didn't have a spare with him.  So nice- he was running and worried he didn't have a bike trailer spare wheel!  We said good bye and I said to the girls, "Guess what- we get to walk home now! Yeah for a beautiful sunshine day!".  3 miles, this could be tricky...

Or the opposite!  Makenzie looked at me, looked at Emerson and said "Hey guys, let's race!". She started running and Emerson followed. Before I knew it we were at Grand Ave.- half mile done! We continued on with Emerson in the bike trailer and Makenzie pushing the back. No complaints- we played Eye Spy, 20 questions, sang songs, and contemplated where we should have our next adventure.  Makenzie was asking questions about different times when I was growing up with my brother and sister while E was playing with her baby, Rachel.  I told the girls to get to the South Shore stop sign and we could get ice cream. There would be only 1.3 miles to walk after.  Wahoo- almost there. My Mom ears were so proud- they were truly making lemons to lemonade without any tears.

At Lords Ice Cream the girls got to pick what ice cream they wanted with M&M toppings.  The ice cream melted everywhere and the three of us laughed. Makenzie observed that the runner who helped us said maybe Pagano's may have bike tires and we could go there after the ice cream. I didn't even register that piece of information, and confirmed we were ok to keep walking. After we finished the melting messes, the girls took turns with "riding" my bike and me helping them balance.  We ran into a few people and had a few friend's honk their horns and wave.  The girls excitedly waved back, and then asked how much further.  With only half mile left, we realized we'd make it for me to get a shower and get to the Champagne tasting. Emerson said while sitting in the bike trailer, "It's good Mom, we'll be there!  Let's go faster!!!!". Makenzie did just that while she pushed the back of the trailer and I balanced the bike.

Phew, once we made it home the girls went into song and dance.  They made it home without any whining, crying, or complaining!  They worked as a TEAM, having played all afternoon, but pushed themselves knowing I had a little event planned to make it to.  Makenzie and Emerson didn't wince and Makenzie was so proud of the fact she walked 3 miles after a full day of playing at camp and swimming.  This coming from my 7 year old daughter who I had to re-teach how to walk in October, had surgeries in November and December, and only started PE again in April 2011!

Yet I hear from some clients and those who want to lose weight give me excuses all the time such as; "There is no time to exercise". "Push ups are to hard so I don't want to do them". "I can't do this because it hurts and I am tired". "My kids made me gain wait and I have no energy to work harder anymore". "Please don't push me, I had a rough day".  We all have rough days, moments, weeks, years. It is how we DEAL with them that counts.   It is how we make a situation into an adventure and allow our body to cope with the adventure.  It is how we take what could be a tricky time and turn it into a sporty event with positive memories.

After we made it home, I took a 10 minute shower-change-wrap up, got the girls changed and everyone in the car.  While I digested the afternoon, I was overcome with a sense of complete pride for who my daughters are.  I am always proud of them; love Makenzie and Emerson more than the world and will jump as high as they ask me to any day.  But this instance, I felt so very proud and toasted them with my glass of bubbly as I shared the afternoon's story with my friends.  Cheers to many more Lemonade days!

A run that was SO RIGHT and went SO WRONG

Jack got home from my brother's bachelor party in New Orleans very late on Sunday night.  As we were talking back and forth during his travels back home, I told him I was ready to RUN HARD on Monday and couldn't wait to pound the pavement. He understood as every runner does- 3 days without an intense run leaves a parent ready to pound it out. Mind you I had a blast with pur girls while Jack was gone, and we played tons on the rainy days inside, but my body was ready to push it.

Monday morning came, the four of us walked to the park together and then I took off for my run. My goal was to do 6 miles with a comfortable pace the first 2, push it the second 2 miles, and then blast it the last two miles.  I had my iPhone Pandora station set to Katy Perry, favorite running capris and tank comfortably rockin', and was rolling along the beach path before I knew it.  I ran upon a familiar gait and came upon Annie C. from Power Fitness PDX.  We chatted a few steps and I rocked on.  My pace was comfortable, about 7:20/25.  I noticed so many people on the beach path and thought about how great Alameda is to raise kids; how fun it is to ride bicycles to the beach and even if overcast bring buckets and shovels to play in the sand.  When I got to the Windsurf Shack my eyes continued to look towards the sky and the tons of kite surfers - kites dancing their way above our heads.  I spotted an Irish kite made of shamrocks and smiled, knowing it was a sign I would make my kite surfing dream happen.

Coming up on mile 3-4 I decided to pick it up a notch.  Smiling at every runner, giving the runner wave and nod, my body moved forward into racing mode.  I was on the latter part of the See Jane Run course that I'm racing this upcoming Sunday, June 5th, and my body naturally started to kick into higher gear.  Checked my watch-whew miles 3 was faster averaging 6:40/45 pace! My smile was growing and I was feeling good.  But that soon changed.

At the turn around and I began running back towards home, my body was in a good place.  I felt in tune with each step, my mind wasn't stressing on much, and then....I saw 4 police cars and two firetrucks ahead of me at Willow. My initial thought was Heaven forbid, a child was hit, but I continued my pace and ran closer. I was ready to close my eyes, fearing the heartache of identifying to closely with an injured child's parents', but was surprised to see fire fighters and police officers holding binoculars looking towards the water. Phew, I thought, a fun bit of sea life came towards the shore and they were probably called upon to assist with a rescue. The joys of living on an  island ... I thought.

Once I passed Willow St. and all the cops, I pushed it faster determined to see what my body could do.  Continuing down the nature path, running through Makenzie's school and towards home, my pace pushed 6:15/6:20 the last 2.5 miles!  The sweat across my brow and down my back was intense, while my runner's high was strong.  You know the feeling...one of sweat induced pride from a great run.  I opened the front door excited to share the good run with Jack and the girls, in addition to sharing there was some fun action at the beach that may be some fun animal life. Heck, it happened in the '80's with Humphry the Humpback Whale in the Bay, so there must have been some fun excitement in the Bay again!

After talking and showering, we got distracted and decided to do some errands instead of rush back to the beach.  Thank goodness we changed plans ...Today I brought up in Power Fitness PDX that there was something great at the beach yesterday.  Not having any inkling of what a boot camper was about to share, my heart sunk when hearing what the real "something" was at the beach.  A man walked into the water attempting to commit suicide and the Police and Fire Departments didn't have the water jurisdiction to rescue him. The many people at the beach didn't act act on the Good Samaritan law since they thought the Fire and Police had it under control.  A 20 year old gal finally went out to help rescue the 53 year old man, but it was to late. 

Hearing this has infuriated me.  Being a lifeguard and swim instructor for years, I would have run into the water and waded to get the man to the shore.  When running by the scene, everyone seemed non-chalant as if it wasn't an emergency but a safe rescue situation.  Having experienced a dear friend's suicide just last August, it is a horrible experience and you feel helpless in not being able to help the one you loved. You feel helpless not being able to save any life- knowing the person or not.  The government officials had the people at the beach, those running by and those who lived in all the apartments on Shoreline, with a false sense of security that they had the situation under control.  Typing this has my blood boiling.

How is it, on an island, there is no jurisdiction to rescue people in the water?  How is it possible that a man can commit suicide in the middle of the day, with so many watching feeling the situation was under control?  How can there not be funds to pay for water rescue training of all officials, but there is money to pay for nice pensions and comfortable salaries??

Needless to say, the run will forever be remembered.  One that is so sweet in speed, but bitter in experience.  A run that made me think about why we are living in California, a state I love so much, but am so disappointed in with the government and where spending limits it's officials.  So I write in hopes others are outraged too. I write in sharing my sadness that a life was lost while others looked on thinking he was ok, and in hoping it is a situation that will never be repeated for the rest of my daughters' lifetime. Once an island girl, always an island girl. But this was one day I wish I grew up on a different island....



** To read the story about the drowning, please read here & here

Bikini

Summer is almost here and with that highlights body image issues for every female.  Why do we worry about our bodies so much- how they look, jiggle, move, jump, plump, flop or lift?  When eating healthy diets and exercising daily, why do we stress if our bodies can't fight gravity the way we want them to?  Where do these insecurities come from, and how can we help our daughters avoid them?

When we lived in LA, we had a blast but knew that it wasn't where we wanted to raise our daughter.  When Makenzie was born, we picked 5 cities to move to by the time she was to be 5 years old. We beat that timing and moved to Portland, a city of incredible body acceptance, when Makenzie was shy of 4 months old.  The move was significant in Makenzie's first years of life, and my months being postnatal and getting stronger again.  In LA when pregnant, I felt ginormous. I was in the fitness industry, and while active I can vividly remember some gentleman with beer bellies at the club I worked at, asking if I was having twins.  Exactly what a 5'1" 28 year old wants to hear, especially when she is surrounded by tall soap stars and "stars in their own mind" LA peeps every day.  Even being active, we knew it wasn't the healthiest place for us to raise a daughter.  And having had an eating disorder in Junior High and High School, if we could prevent any external pressures on body image for our kid, I was determined we would.

Thus Portland- it was great! While a female can never escape the media, in Portland so many women are encouraged and accepted for being rockstar athletes.  The confidence in who you are and how you hold yourself flourishes when amongst women who are just happy to BE themselves. Mind you, when in Portland, we were constantly surrounded by other men and women who lived healthy lifestyles since many of our friends were clients and trainers from my fitness businesses. They drank the same "health and fitness" juice that we did; living the life of athletes with kids.

2010 Summer -Lake Tahoe- Swimsuit pride!

When in Portland, I actually became more confident in my own body.  I don't know if it was the ability to feel solid and strong after 2 c-sections, if it was being inspired by the consistent runners I saw every morning in Forest Park or climbing Mt. Tabor stairs with an Ergo and my babies on my back.  We all moved because it felt "good to do", and for me I wanted to identify with my athlete self in addition to my Mom self.  With that comfort in my own skin, I gained even more confidence in my own training and teaching abilities.  It led to not just knowing I was an athlete, but feeling my body could push itself harder than I thought possible.  I knew it would hurt, but so many others were training too and to train among some of the best in the world made me push harder. My times got faster which led to me getting more and more inspired.  I LOVED, and still do, knowing that Makenzie (and later Emerson) would only know their Mom as someone who ran, rode, swam and trained all the time.  They don't know anything but being a female means being strong and embracing your solid legs, smaller chest, and strong back.  They know it means you exercise when you first wake up to kick off your day and your metabolism; that you use your body for your vehicle by riding or running to do errands and visit friends.

Every Summer, we made our daily run or ride to the swimming pool. When the girls had lessons I would swim laps,  always peaking over in between strokes.  I loved watching them jump comfortably in their swimsuits, bum cheeks popping out in their suit bottoms and not caring at all.  I relished seeing them joyful as they were moving all over the swimming pool. We swam for hours and would play in the adjacent Grant Park until the sun went down.  Continuously it was my goal to tell them how strong their bodies were, how incredible their bodies were for doing big jumps and swimming with big rainbow arms.  I was focused, and will forever be, in making sure they know their body is a gift and to embrace all it has to offer.

pool joy

It is hard as a Mom to do that at times, since everyone has days where they don't feel "right" in their own skin. Guys want to be a bit stronger with bigger shoulders while ladies are eager for a flat stomach and bums you could bounce quarters off of.   As a Mom, it evolves to the midsection.  As much core work as you do, you will forever have an altered core from growing beautiful little beings in you.  Even for those who train for hours, your body does change and it is part of nature.  It shouldn't be fought but embraced.

A few years back when teaching Baby Boot Camp, some of the boot campers were complaining about their cores and not being what they were pre-pregnancy.  I will never forget stopping them mid-run with a serious teaching voice and explaining how as a female one of the biggest jobs nobody tells you about is retraining your body how to work post childbirth.  But as you retrain, you will most likely be stronger than you were before kids and will be able to physically handle more than pre-children. A few of the ladies continued verbalizing their frustrations and said we, the instructors, didn't know what it was like since we were in shape.  At that, 2 other instructors and myself lifted our workout tanks and showed the gals our stomachs.  While all were strong and toned, we also had a bit of skin shift at the belly button or lower abdomen from c-sections.  Even with strong solid stomachs, we all did have children and embraced our bodies for doing so.  We also tried to not focus on it, but focus on how many push ups we could do, how fast we could run, how high we could jump, or how our weeks' were better for exercising together.

Last week we were getting ready to swim and Makenzie made a comment about being fat in a swimsuit. My jaw dropped to the ground and immediately we discussed how beautiful her strong body was. She said it not with worry, but in a matter of fact manner.  Emerson was standing beside me and said loudly, "Makenzie you are not fat! You are strong and can swim like a mermaid". Proud Mama moment to hear Emerson talk, but mixed moment to hear Makenzie's words.  I asked where the comment came from and she said that at school some of the girls were talking about their bodies and since they said they felt fat, she did too.  So there we were, my two beautiful girls and myself in our bikinis, having a body image talk.  I told Makenzie that girls hear things about their bodies and shouldn't worry about it, but be so happy for strong bodies that can work incredibly!  Her body has gone through more than many do in a lifetime and is so stellar in all it has done and will continue to do.  We talked about all the dynamic things our bodies can do and how it doesn't matter how we look, but how we feel and to always be active and have fun with what bodies we were given.  I poked fun at myself for being short, but able to walk under tree branches without ducking. We pointed out our freckles, different eye colors and cool scars.  Then we walked to the pool standing tall and cannon balled into the water holding hands.

proud to be STRONG

I know I can't protect my daughters from external images and what the media presents regarding women and their bodies. But I can try my hardest, as can you, to encourage self acceptance and pride in the great bodies they(and all others) have been given.  There are not enough minutes in the day to spend worrying about not fitting into a specific model standard. Instead use what would be worry minutes to be physical and get the endorphin rush.  It is much more rewarding than 30 minutes spent contemplating one's boob or booty size.

Grab your bikini, your smile and head to the pool proudly.  You have an incredible body and now is your time to make it shine!!!!