Daughters

When I first had Makenzie, the breath was knocked out of me. Literally, it was, but figuratively too.  We rushed to UCLA after dropping off our taxes, were “tskked tssskked” by a delivery nurse and my Mother in Law, who were both there waiting for us at check in. Already in trouble yet I hadn’t even had my baby yet.  We were nervously rushing ...only to wait for the doctor and nurses, who were fighting over my care.  They were still fighting when I was sitting with needles in my spine for the epidural.  Ah, nothing like that sort of uncomfort with needles in your back.  And then, for whatever reason, my body decided to respond poorly to the epidural and it felt like elephants were walking on my chest. They were stomping away and I couldn’t breath, while feeling like a big gorilla waiting on the operating table.  Jack and my Mom weren’t allowed in the room due to the complications, and my nerves were heightened.  All I could think was, “Please get Makenzie out safely and then worry about me”. Gratefully the anaesthesiologist was able to work some magic to stabilize me, Jack was able to join me with Mom watching, and Makenzie was welcomed to the world on April 12th, 2004 at 5:51 pm.  When the nurse showed her to us, and Jack brought her over to meet me, my breath was taken away for the best reasons. The reasons of complete awe and intense gratitude.

Sisters - April 2009 Ages 1 & 5

Emerson’s delivery was comical, and almost a tell tale sign of her little personality.  I had been determined to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) but my body wasn’t on the same plan. The day before our back up C-Section date our doctor, Dr. Hamilton, Jack and I decided the C-Section was the safest option for my body and our little baby. The following day, Friday, January 25, 2008, would be Emerson's birth date.  5:00 am Friday morning Jack and I arrive on a freezing cold Winter day to Emanuel Hospital ... only to find out we were at the wrong hospital! Who goes to the wrong hospital to deliver their kiddo…well the Shirey’s and Dr. Hamilton all did! Emanuel was the hospital for our VBAC, since it was high risk, but we were delivering via C-Section.

Laughter ensues, all the Providence Portland nurses tease how this has never happened.  No stress, just laughs, and excitement.  We’re in the operating room and the team's started playing Bob Marley followed by Boys to Men. While splayed out being ready to have surgery begin, the music made me reminisce of Bishop O’Dowd High School dances. Jack and Dr. Hamilton are discussing my prenatal core routine since he was complimenting my abs as dissecting them, another random funny that was a great one for a pregnant Mama.  Within minutes, at 8:10 am, Emerson arrives and brought immediate joy and laughter.  Complete and utter sweet joy and jubulience.

Two different deliveries. Two very different daughters, requiring two very different patient levels.  Whew, patience.  People tell you that you need a lot of calm with your “patience voice” when you have children. However, nobody ever said the supply has to be endless, non-stop, and full of butterflies and candy coated kindness when it wants to sound like a fire breathing dragon.  This week has been a week with the fire breathing dinosaur eager to chomp on the butterflies and let loose. It has been a week repeating the mantra, “Keep calm and carry on”. It has also been a week that’s created dream like and blissful memories within the craziness. 

Emerson, Age 4.5, Lake Tahoe 7.14.12

Our daughters are different, very different.  The way they act, respond, express, digress, and encourage is wildly and wonderfully different.  That being said, I have to constantly remind myself of their unique ways of dealing with anything bothersome.  I love how different they are.  I admire them for being who they are without any pretense, and incredible pride.  When age 4.5 years Emerson is having meltdown after meltdown in levels neither Jack or I remember happening with Makenzie, we have to bite our tongues and calm E down in means requiring more pixie patience dust to add to the patience bucket.  And while the meltdowns were fewer and far between before, for whatever reason the past 6 weeks they have been intense when they happen, and unbreakable.  We've been figuring out what her triggers are, and I know I have to almost set my own clock every 90 minutes for Emerson to eat and drink her water in order to keep up her energy just like a puppy dog.

Here is the pickle...she is DELIGHTFUL when she is not mad.  Purely magic, funny, vibrant, and love filled. She fills my love tank to the brim with kisses, cuddles, laughs, sweet words, funny moments and time that I want to go on forever.   That is the 85-90% of the time, it truly is.  

Similar to the eating rule of 90/10 I tell my clients.  90 % of the time eat good clean food and 10-15% of the time you can enjoy the treats of life.  For Emerson, 90% of the time  

she is brilliantly clean and effortless love in true from.

10% of the time she makes me want to grab a bottle of wine, take a straw 

and drink the bottle in one sitting. 

 

Makenzie, age 8, Lake Tahoe 7.14.12

And while we are figuring Emerson at age 4.5, we are attempting to learn our first child's navigation in life.  She is a protector by nature, a talker, compassionate, a storyteller, silly, mature beyond years in some ways and also has the traditional first born traits.  With Emerson we worry about tantrums, with Makenzie we try to channel her back, word wise, so everyone has a turn to talk.  She has the best stories to tell, confidence to talk to anyone and everyone, and the ability to shift conversation and keep it alive.  But with that gift comes the challenge of when to reign it in.  With missing almost all of first grade and being around so many adults, her ability to converse with eye contact challenges many of today's teens.  It also means she is incredibly determined, with the words to support her desires, to get her "way" within the family. With her conversational skills come brilliant one liners that make a parent proud, but not when they are attempting to be stern in discipline.  It is a tricky line to walk, because confidence is what you want your children to have more than anything.  We want Makenzie to keep her confidence in who she is, while also respecting that other people have stories to tell and opinions about various events too.   

So I am learning as a parent, along with Jack, how to deal with each moment of challenge.  Different deliveries, very different daughters.  When I want to talk like a fire breathing dragon, I hold back and think of what I can learn out of the moment. Honestly, parenting is easier said than done as we all know.  What is it I can evolve from in this endless moment of screaming, hitting, yelling, hair pulling and tears?  Are these the moments prepping us for when they are teenagers? Emerson might punch a wall and Makenzie might talk back like a sailor? I hope not! I hope they will be perfect and delightful all the time...but they won't. Nor will I.  I will be the 90/10 rule myself.  I know that in the 10% of time, the time when I want to slam the door with frustration and lace up to pound the pavement for a solo run, I am a great parent to my two very dynamic daughters.  With that, I know it will all be OK... 90% of the time. 

Anxious = Thanks

The past few months have been challenging with Makenzie.  Yes, this post is about being a Mama with nerves about her kid.  A Mama who wishes she could take away any ounce of insecurity and replace it with intense confidence.  A Mama who is trying to find teaching lessons in the midst of challenging lessons.  Because this is a Mama who is forever thankful for her kid who is making her stronger in parenting by pushing her every button of confidence in self, patience and strength.

Makenzie has a sense of anxiety that comes on very strong and intense.  She has been so intense she got me running to the bread basket again. We haven't been able to figure out if it is because losing the formulating time in Fall of 1st grade (she was only 2 weeks of school all of her Fall 1st grade), being in the hospital, juggling life after, having friends whom she connected with move away after she "moved" back, juggling with her two parents who deal with life differently, or just Makenzie being 7.  Mind you, we weren't sure if it was just us who felt her intensity. But found out at her Parent - Teacher meeting in November, it wasn't.

Makenzie's teacher shared with Jack and I that she is doing phenomenal academically. She said Bug has a sense of confidence in her reading and orator skills. She shared Makenzie will read and other kids will listen...she developed a confidence in being "on" when she knows it's her turn to tell the story.  But, Makenzie has developed a blank stare with eyes as big as saucers when she doesn't know what is going to happen. Be it Math, English, a Recess change, unexpected day shift, or a challenge that she might not excel at. She develops nerves that sometimes can't be calmed quickly...despite being an Encyclopedia and reading like 4th graders.  She has excelled academically, despite missing half of 1st grade, but continues to get anxious when not certain of the definite outcome. Where this comes from; nobody knows. We are trying to figure it out. We are working at getting to the root and helping her "breath easier".  We are trying to instill a greater sense of confidence and security that everything will be ok and she is going to be fine.

Last January 2011, when Makenzie started school post hospitalization, we were informed to just let her roll with it and gradually bring her into therapy.  Mind you, some parents would think "my kid in therapy. NO way!". But we were of the mindset if it makes school and life easier, let her go forth and prosper.  Yet, Makenzie assimilated and didn't show signs of anxiety. She was more at "peace" and able to genuinely digest the feelings of her peers.  When a peer was hurt on the playground, she was quick to rush and make sure they were ok.  If two were in a fight, she would try to console them. But as time progressed when there was some girl drama, which is common for young girls, and Makenzie started to get more involved.  Summer 2011 came, we were all able to breath, and then boom, back in it again in the Fall.  To say this is exhausting is an understatement. Now in 2nd grade there are days when she doesn't want to leave home for school. She's been anxious about doing the Monkey Bars perfect, while at the same time she has been blissful in her confidence with playing tag and running in PE.  It is a
see-saw of up one day and down the next.

Right now we are getting some more tools to help Makenzie. She is so smart that she asked why she was to talk to her "big friend" and other kids don't. Straight face she said, "Mom, is that a therapist? Those are who adults talk to with secrets, right? Aren't you checking into some for yourself as well?". Nothing get's past her...I know at age 15 I am in so much trouble. But in some ways....yep actually I know she'll outsmart me all the time. I am a bit thankful for that too.

I am thankful that Makenzie is facing challenges, while also talking about how they affect her inside.
I am beyond thankful that Makenzie can laugh a full belly laugh and make you inspired to laugh too.
I am thankful that although Makenzie personalizes other kids' pain, she is empathetic to do so.
I am thankful Makenzie loves so deeply that it hurts her if she doesn't know what is going to happen when someone is sick, in pain, or hurt themselves.
I am thankful how despite all that has happened, Makenzie keeps looking forward with a positive outlook. She may be anxious at times, but she continues to ponder, "What adventure is next?".
I am thankful through the challenging meltdowns, Makenzie can come back and continue moving forward with sparkle in her eyes.
I am thankful to be Makenzie's Mom for she helps allow me to breath every night. She has made me face challenges with being a parent, since it forces me to know that sometimes loving her means I don't have all the answers to make it better.  To LOVE her with all my heart equates stepping back, riding the see saw with her, and learning what each moment will bring.

I am thankful that she chose me as her Mom on April 12, 2004. And I am forever thankful she always says, "I love you Mom. Thank You".

"Dear Mom, You are the best. Love, Makenzie" 

I am forever thankful.

1.21.12- Bug surprised me with a morning surprise of the beautiful artwork below.