Crack, WAKE UP!

Last week an article started floating around the web from The Atlantic, titled Why Women Can't Have it All. It is fantastic, and I encourage all Moms and Dads to read it.  There is an incredible amount of pressure on women to do it “all”.  As I heard one person respond, “It is almost as if our Moms worked so hard to give us incredible opportunities, but now we are supposed to do them all perfectly.” According to "whom", are we to do them perfectly? Is it a huge pressure we put on ourselves to be "all" to everyone and in everything we do.  And women are tough on each other at times without even realizing it.  There is an insane amount of guilt and the teeter totter affect when juggling work and family that is unending.  I feel it is our job as humans to live richly, and own what we are doing and the choices we make, for ourselves and our families.

Interestingly enough as I feel I need to own my choices, I have been trying to step back the past couple years and feel good with not being "all" to every aspect of my life.  When having to relocate and start over, redefine your role in a community, in your own business, and as a Mom and wife, you have an opportunity to decide what to shift.  After Makenzie was sick and I started back to teaching full force in January 2011, I redefined my balance.  As Makenzie embarked on her first full year in school in 2nd grade, there was a huge part of me that felt I should  do every activity possible since she had missed so much of 1st grade.  I signed up to be co-Room Mom, Art Docent, lead Walk -A-Thon Warm Ups, volunteer at every class event I could and able to participate as much as I could in her school.  And guess what...that juggling with my business, especially before and after the surgeries this past December, made me reassess why I felt I needed to make everything happen at once.

Picture of my Family in Balance

In February, after the double knee surgery, I was forced to redefine who I am as a Personal Trainer and business owner. I had to decide what goals I can manifest into reality with hard work and which had to be put on hold for the present time. I had to retrain how I teach, how I train others, and what I could and couldn't do.  It has been hard because some of the goals I put on hold with relocating in 2010 and Makenzie being sick, I've been eager and excited to put into fruition.  In addition to owning Power Fitness PDX and teaching boot camps and fitness workshops, I used to do fitness segments for Better TV, had a couple fitness columns in magazines, wrote fitness and parenting/juggle pieces, led workshops, and was immersed in a big business community.  In 2010, As I was ready to start some of those goals locally when we had felt established in Alameda post relocation, my parenting hat was put on tight for 4 months and emergency mode in effect.  After Bug was home from UCSF and we evolved last year, a part of me wanted to prove I could make the professional and athletic goals happen immediately, to feel that my own needs were being met, and life was in balance.  Fast forward 18 months and I had ingrained in my head that after the surgery, I would do my Physical Therapy and be able to get started on making ALL the elements of my old life happen again. It was a feeling to prove I could do it all, to myself, and to those who knew me in my previous life in Portland and new life in Alameda.  Unknowingly, I felt I had to prove to myself I could create better balance financially with limited work time, and lots of play time with my kids. In other words, cram everything into the limited childcare time, and then I could be fully present as Mom, and also fully present as a trainer.

Guess what? I wasn't in balance as much as I thought I was. I realized the balance I needed at the time was to step back to redefine what I could and couldn't commit to.  With owning your own business and creating goals, it means if you can't commit to some of the goals, you can't commit to yourself.  It can envelope a feeling of defeat.... But it can also be a gift to feel you can have a rebirth in redefining what you are and what you want from work/life balance at any time. Guess what? We all can at any time, regardless of profession, redefine what we are, what we want from work/life balance.

One big 2011-2012 goal was to have both Makenzie and Emerson have an uber normal school year, no medical hiccups or moves, and have our life FEEL good. Overall that goal came to fruition.  While some of my work goals have been put on hold, a significant personal goal was accomplished.  That feels GOOD. During the work week, I have also created a balance that I won't trade for the world. It is one that evolves but the past year, Tuesdays and Thursdays have been solely days with Emerson(and Makenzie when she is on school holidays) to play and do whatever she wants. Venture to Farmer's Market, play at Washington "Fish" Park for hours, visit the pool to be mermaids, create sand castles at the beach or enjoy pancakes and stay in jammies until lunchtime.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I won't do work events during the day, nor will I slip away to the computer unless it is during or after E's quiet time or sports classes. That feels good and is a shift compared to my life a few years back.  I tried to keep Tuesdays and Thursdays open when Makenzie was 4years old, but work would creep in.  There was a distinct feeling of guilt that I wasn't being a good business owner for every email I didn't respond to within 2 hours.  Today, I am fine knowing I can get back to the non-time sensitive emails the following day, since I am enjoying timeless moments with my daughters. I also have realized it is ok, I am not being a neglectful Mom, if I need to add more childcare hours to the week if we feel it will help our family balance. 

Mind you, I have chosen this too.  I could be making more money, live in a bigger house, and drive a nicer car.  I could present at more health and fitness conferences expanding my credibility in the industry, in addition to writing more paid articles. But opportunities will always be there to embark on. Emerson at age 4.5 years and Makenzie at age 8.25 years will not always be there.  My experience with their health issues and how unexpected life is has evolved who I am, and how I am willing to work, as a Mom and Business Owner.  While I don't wish the experiences of hospitalized kids upon anyone, I am grateful that from them, I feel more confident with each shift in the work/life/goal balance.

Interestingly enough, we all resort to thoughts sometimes that fool our brains. Such as, "What if I were doing x,y,z with my life? Would the success make me a better woman?". On Sunday, I was thinking about The Atlantic piece while swimming laps and doing backstroke.  My mind started wandering to what huge goals I "need" to complete by the end of 2012 to feel successful.  I created a list of 10 significant work goals, including finishing my book and qualifying for Triathlon Nationals 2013.  In my training mental zone, I wasn't paying attention to the swim flags to count my strokes to the wall.  CRACK.  My head hit the wall with a hard smack.  It was a wake up call!  As if the higher power was saying,  

"Look lady, take it as it comes and don't be overzealous this year.  There is time and it will all happen. One goal at a time does equate success.  Who do you need to prove anything to, but yourself. Remember, you met the goal of a normal school year for your kids, your business is successful, a column in Alameda Magazine has been signed on for the 2012-2013 year, website is being worked on, you placed in your first races back post surgery and your life is good.  It is in balance, even with some wavering of the teeter totter, don't be overzealous."

Jack and I had a discussion regarding this topic Wednesday night.   The element of balance and being a Mom. We covered how men don't have babies or have to put their lives on hold at various times to the same degree women do when having children.  While he can relate to the juggles, he can't understand how out of whack a female can feel and won't ever, since it's not in his DNA. There can be compassion, empathy, support.  But this is not the same as understanding how the juggling can cause guilt, frustration and tension of Mom/Work balance.  Fortunate for me, Jack supports my dreams and goals, as long as they can work symbiotically with our family.  Not rushing around, being frenetic, or having anxiety that things didn't get done at day's end.  His goal, which I am grateful without enough words for (as if that is possible), is to have a work/Mom/married balance allowing me to go to bed feeling each day's tasks got accomplished. 

If we feel good at day's end, our kids are healthy and nourished both emotionally and physically, as are we adults, than a balance is there.  Of course some days and weeks will be off, but that is when you reassess and climb back on the teeter - totter to break even.  Have a number one goal to go to bed at ease, without words.

Feeling without words now...Feels good.

Happy Father's Day

Happiest of Father's Days to all the incredible Dad's out there.  Earlier this month it was fun to surprise Dad and Jack with a toast to the two of them in my PFPDX Newsletter.  They are the epitome of great Dad's, and for that I am eternally grateful.  Take a read and wish your favorite Dad's a Happy Father's Day!
With love and much laughter-Erin

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.  ~Bill Cosby

As a Mom, I am constantly in awe with the ease some Dads have.  The difference in chromosomes creates a knowledge that "All will be good, relax and have fun in the moment with the kids! Let's go to the pool and do huge cannonballs even if there are 10 loads of laundry to be folded. They'll be there when we get back, don't worry, cannonballs await us."  Dad's can start a water fight at the drop of a hat, with the desire to create a fun moment with their kids so they can be kids. They end the day with tickles and pillow fights, knowing it means an additional 10 minutes of calming down kids for bed. Dads have a gift of laughter and ability to not stress about things that aren't truly important, but relish and celebrate the huge moments while truly being "in" them.  

Mermaid Tri with Dad & E

When growing up, my Dad, Bob, was my hero. He is over 6 feet tall and has a football players build.  Dad has always been silly and fun, with a nature that allowed everyone he met to be comfortable with him and know he was a good guy.  Dad cherished each little moment with us, from raking leaves to taking us to tennis tournaments.  Whatever we did, Dad always saw the bright side  and lived life fully embracing us.  In Summer, he would rush home from work to ride his brown Schwin ten speed to the pool with us.  At the pool, Dad let us chew bubble gum while swimming and would throw us to reach the flags.  He was as excited as we were when we were launched high in the sky, especially when landing and making a huge splash.  While Dad was fun, he also let us know we were loved and supported as we embarked on our academics and athletics.  While in college at Cal Poly, Dad would make an excuse when he had afternoon work meetings in Monterey, to drive the three hours to visit me for breakfast in San Luis Obispo.  In every race, Dad tried to be there and understand the sport logistics of swimming, running and triathlons. I am beyond grateful because I was raised by a man telling me daily that I could do anything I put my mind to, and I better find fun while doing it. 

Upon meeting Jack, I admired who he was in his inner core. While he is uber competitive, as those who do Date Night Boot Camp know, he is genuinely in love with sports and wants all participants to feel included. He gets along with

Jack, M & E at the Mermaid

everyone, finds the good in people and is an eternal optimist.  Jack is competitve, but also beyond supportive of each athlete doing and trying their best. He has taught me to step back and breath in all the fun that is happening; to ensure I remember the silly moments. With our daughters, Jack is genuinely present with them.  He strives to be part of their daily activities.  Athletically, he encourages them to work hard with their respective skills.  While I was doing rehab work with Makenzie, who has had different medical needs due to her hospitalizations, Jack was first to encourage her to try gymnastics again. Emerson has knocked Jack's socks off by her comptitive nature, but also her polite manners with those she plays against. Jack brings the girls spirits up through highlighting their respective strengths. He has always said that life and athletic boundaries are meant to be broken, and our daughters can, and will, break them.  That element of pride and confidence is an unending gift all should be so fortunate to open each day.

This past two weekends were the two races in Alameda catered to women. See Jane Run's Half Marathon, 5K and Kids Mile and the Mermaid Triathlon and Mini Mermaid 1.5 mile.  My Dad and Jack were at both events, and both supportive of not only me racing, but of Makenzie, Emerson and all other women and kids.  When Emerson, age 4, did the kids mile, she looked up at me running alongside her and said, "Mommy, I think Daddy will be excited I am faster than him!".  He was beaming upon seeing her run through the shute. He told her to wear her medal daily and be "super excited" for what she accomplished. Dad had to leave before Emerson's race so he called to ask how it was. While sharing the experience and how happy Emerson was, Dad said, "Erin, it must feel so good for you as her Mom, like when I watch you race. She's a runner like you. I know the joy."  When Makenzie did the 1.5 Mini Mermaid, both my Dad and Jack were there to support her. 

After she ran by, I looked at my Dad and had tears streaming down my cheeks.  He smiled and knew the joy, since he feels that watching not only my siblings and I, but also my kids. Especially Makenzie and all that she has gone through medically. Last year at this time she could barely do P.E. and now, she can run 1.5 miles comfortably.  Upon her finish, Jack raced by excited and beaming with pride.  He whispered to me, 'Erin, we have to get her a hat to celebrate today. She ran 1.5 miles now, she can do it!". For all of us, it was a true testiment in believing and knowing it will all be better than ok. That is a gift the two most important Dad's in my life have taught me. My husband, Jack, and my Dad, Bob, let me know that despite anything life will be good, all will be ok, and someone is always cheering for you.  

To all the Dad's out there, Happy Father's Day.  Know we are cheering for you daily, and forever grateful that you step back to have water fights while encouraging your kids to embrace the rich moments in life. 

Challenge the POWER of YOU!  

  

----Erin Kreitz Shirey

Owner & Lead Trainer of

Power Fitness PDX LLC

www.powerfitnesspdx.com

Life is good...Mud RUN good

You know what, life is GOOD!  Yep, I think when you work through heartache, balance, leaping from one heavy obstacle to the next, it is just bound to be GOOD!  I have often felt over the past years that the unfortunate hiccups make the heavy moments feel that much richer, even in their horrible elements.  Yes, seems odd to some probably.  I am writing right now as my girls are cuddled up in jammies, enjoying Saturday morning cartoons and ready to make the 3-day weekend last forever.

In March, when I entered the Children's Hospital writing contest, I put myself out there in many ways.  I wrote openly and honestly about how hard being married was when faced with challenges.  I talked about how the last year was the hardest one yet, which it was.  In essence it was because Jack and I had to face issues head on, without any protective lenses.  We spoke some harsh words and learned through communicating poorly, how we also knew at the base of it we are a great team and can communicate beautifully.  While daunting, it taught me a lot about my marriage and how strong our partnership is.  After posting the piece, I received emails from friends sharing heartfelt messages about feelings of now not "being alone", and "I thought my husband and I were the only ones who had challenges like this".  The honesty in my essay helped open communication among others, and within my own friend circle.  For that I am grateful.  How life continues to have great things come from challenging situations...not being a finalist in the contest after opening my soul was hard, but the element of open communication amongst friends supporting one another is a forever gift.

Before the mud and obstacles

Thus, it's all good right now.  Last Saturday, Jack and I did a MudRun, which seemed parallel in funny ways how good life feels"after running through a lot of mud".  Literally feels good to my core and inner being.  It was our 4th weekend in a row of doing an athletic event together; a foundation of who we are as a team.  When we rode Wildflower 65 mile bike ride on April 29th, we took off from my family and got to enjoy working together to pull each other up and down the hills.  It was Jack's first metric century, and I got to help him with some cycling skills while he encouraged me with my first metric century post double knee surgery.  We did the same on Saturday through the mud and obstacles.  We were both excited and motivated to have FUN, no race timing chip, just FUN.

Ready to rock the race

At the starting line, all of us were dancing with our friends, Chris and Linda. Makenzie and Emerson were ready to cheer us on while being the course "photographers".  They got to hang with our friend, Linda, who is cutely pregnant and wasn't about to bop her baby belly through the obstacle course.  The laughter started at the beginning, and continued throughout.  In the first 60 seconds of standing by the registration booth, we saw people dressed in Wonder Woman and Batgirl costumes to military men covered in mud...we knew we were in a for a memorable day.

To me, the dirty part of the mud didn't seem daunting, but invigorating for some reason. It made the event seem a bit more adventurous compared to regular runs and triathlons, which seemed exciting.  I wanted a lot of challenges to take on and overcome; bring on the ropes, muddy tires and sprints. We lined up for our 12:30 wave at the starting line and the music blasted all around. Some people looked stiff and nervous, while others looked intense like warriors on a mission.  The three of us looked like 30-somethings who didn't give a flying poo about their rhythm, but wanted to dance, race and laugh. Emerson, Makenzie and Linda watched and waved laughing at us and the girls were dancing too. The energy in the air was that of FUN. Everyone was to have FUN.

3.2.1.....START!  Jack, Chris and I ran through the race arch and were on our way. We embarked on a few hills right in the beginning. Sweeeeet. I love to climb hills and felt good. It was about 93 degrees and blistering sun which made it more of a challenge. Gradually, Chris fell into his own pace and Jack and I were running alongside each other.  He is such a solid runner and competitive athlete, I can't help but race better when alongside him. He maneuvers his body like a gazelle at times, hopping from foot to foot with a comfortable cadence. First obstacle approached; 3 7-8 foot walls to climb over.  Both of us jumped up and over confidently.  Running continued up and down some  hills. Next obstacle of muddy barrels.  Clump clump went the mud when it latched onto our running shoes.  We kept moving, at this point I was a bit ahead of Jack on another climb. My legs and knees felt strong and solid. Phew, 5 months post surgery and my body was doing what it's supposed to do. Another few obstacle walls we blasted over independently and then...one that was to high. Heck, I am 5'1", not the tallest girl by any means. Before I could even ask, Jack bent over and yelled, "Erin, just jump on my back. You got this." With a quick jump and leap, I was up and over the wall.  Jack's "back stool" repeated two more times until we were at the tires. Quick steps through each muddy tire; using agility work that came easy from teaching so many boot camp classes.

After the tires Jack looked at me with a smirk, "We're not muddy enough. Where is the MUD??  Erin, I think we're the first in our wave now too." Ah, the competitive boy is always there, and funnily enough I had already noticed the same thing.  We embarked on more groups of runners and passed them as we swished through the obstacles and on the trail. Up one hill we heard screaming and cheering. Two big walls, and I mean big.  The outline of some people standing at the bottom just staring up with feet paralyzed in the dirt.  As we approached, we saw their faces that had fearful expressions. I yelled to Jack, "Just do it! GO". The first wall had 2 inch pieces of wood ledges you could grab onto that were spaced about 4 feet apart. If you didn't grasp well, you'd fall down to the bottom, or on top of the person below you. There was a strong guy, about 25 years old and 6 feet tall, climbing next to me, For each wide stretch my legs took to reach the ledge, he glided up, but was nervous looking down to the ground. We teased each other and raced to the top. At the top, flipped around and climbed down the rope net ladder. At this point I heard Makenzie and Emerson yelling, "Go Mommy! Go, race Daddy, GO FAST Mooooom!".  It felt great to high five their little hands and continue on to the next part...a steep down hill to more up and down. I have to admit, the downhill scared me with my knees. I wanted to mentally feel "normal", but after double knee surgery this is my "new normal" and while I climbed down it was OK! Jack was in front looking back with a gleam in his eye and yelled, "How are they now? Feeling good? Should we push through the mud?". "Sure!" I cheered back.  I didn't realize what he really meant until I saw the mud pit in front of him.

We came upon a mud pit that looked like a pig's dream home. People were trying to edge around it and not get muddy....until Jack leaped in doing a dive roll.  Head to toe covered in mud.  It made everyone gasp and Jack grin.  I followed suit, not a dive roll, but blasted through.  Speedy and muddy up the hill laughing at Jack. Next mud pit, we both just crawled through and went all out.  There was one thing with running through splattering mud, but another with blasting through it on all fours. At this point, we were committed to the mud and getting down and dirty. Out of the second big pit, climbed up globbing along and determined to finish fast. More mud, another wall and mini climbs up we accomplished.  Next we heard the cheers looking up to see people watching down at the final obstacles. Barbed wire to crawl under through mud pits.  We plowed through as some others were tip-toeing around trying not to get dirty.  At this point I just smiled and laughed at them, "You're in a mud run. Get dirty! It will wash off later." Under the final wire, upright position found, ran to the finish line alongside Jack. It was INCREDIBLE! We had grins ear to ear and were on Cloud Nine.  Someone came up yelling at me, "It was so fun to watch you two not caring and having fun! Thank you!".  Ah, made my day since we just did what we wanted to and as Jack pointed out, came out in the end the first in our wave of 200+ runners. 

Want a hug Girls??

We ran to see the girls and Linda at the top of the hill by the obstacles.  The girls wouldn't hug us but made faces instead. I couldn't stop jumping and smiling....and spotted Chris climbing down the rope ladder.  He waved and asked where the mud was...before I knew what was happening I popped in to run the last third of the race with him too.  This time covered in mud, which got Chris eager to join our muddy selves.  Chris calls me his "Mini Motivator", which I tried to live up to while wiping mud from my mouth as I spoke". Chris and I ran through the obstacles, mud pits and up the hill at the end with him joining us in the full mud fun too.

At the end, the three of us were covered head to toe, in mud, and huge smiles. Linda, Makenzie and Emerson took pictures of us and the moment immediately etched in my mind as a favorite of all time. It could have been the camaraderie, the physical challenge, the support, competing outside the traditional running box, overcoming new races post surgery and the partnership with Jack.  We washed off the mud with huge water trucks that just sprayed us down. We were still a bit dirty with mud gobs in places they shouldn't be, but from the outside looked rinsed and ready to start again.

It is parallel to where we are in life.  The entire mud run was.  Jack and I are an incredible team, especially with the cheering on of our daughters. We have run through one mud pit after another, but always put a hand out to help one another get through it. Sometimes our entire bodies are covered in layers of mud, but we know it's an obstacle we'll get through.  We leap over puddles, run through them, sometimes fall down and climb over walls.  At the end, through companionship and teamwork, we get washed off and get to run a new race.  It may take a few washes to clean us off (my sports bra still has some dirt in it!), but we'll get there and be ready to leap and laugh.  Our life may be muddy, but our LIFE IS GOOD! 

Life is GOOD!! 

Joy!!!

Today is off to a great start and going to be incredible!!! YOU can make it incredible, even if it started with a coffee cup being spilled in your lap,  or your kid poo pooing the whole wheat waffles you surprised her with on a school morning after rushing in from teaching boot camp. Why?  Because the sun is shining, there was cereal in the cupboard as back up, and she was right.  The whole wheat waffles weren't as good as the buttermilk ones.   Blast some Guns N Roses and just dance or jump for joy! JUMP JUMP JUMP and you'll feel GOOD GOOD GOOD!
xoxox Muah ---Erin

P.S. Blogging again so watch out...many posts to come soon

Reaching for words

As I shared last week, I took a risk. I put my words out there and entered the writing contest for Children's Hospital Oakland. It is a place we grew to know very well, and I am forever indebted since they brought Makenzie back to life. Literally. Watching her fight and have no choice but take risks daily gave me a greater sense of determination and fight myself.  I've always been a risk taker; but this last year I've taken some risks inspired by Makenzie and Emerson that were intense, nervewracking, and heart palpating. I did them without any idea what the outcome would be. 

Today, I found out I am not a semi-finalist for the essay contest out of the 220 entrants. While bummed, it was an eye opening experience.  I realized I truly want to work harder at writing and reach for more words to help connect myself with others.  The essay I went with was a variation of my previous blog post about marriage and challenges.  Since it was so hard to write, I felt it was a better choice.  It pulled a layer of honesty back to share with the world.  I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading it, and thanks for sharing this last risk taking adventure with me.

With much love-
Erin

LOVE….

Love is the foundation of why two people get married. With love anything is possible, right?  Actually, it is with the love, communication and an understanding that you won't always see things the same way.  Throughout 8.5 years of marriage, through every challenge, Jack and I worked together as a team.  We’ve bounced ideas and attempted to jump through the unexpected hoops together. We’ve dealt with job loss, death, miscarriage, post partum depression, relocation, and both children facing life-threatening hospitalizations. When either of us had a struggle, we'd attempt to find a solution that works.  But herein lies the challenge; the challenge that’s been the biggest challenge this past “post hospital” year for me.  That is that people cope with horrible stressors much differently, and how they cope can affect you. BUT you CAN’T fault them. Damn, you surely want to, but you can’t fault them for how they grieve. Especially if it is not the same way you do.

How one copes is how they manage to breathe.  We’ve had weeks throughout the year that came and went with neither of us communicating effectively.  Avoidance, irritation and resentment built up. That led to long solo runs for me, and staying at work past midnight for Jack.  Our listening skills with each other broke as a default of coping with the exhaustion, intensity and digestion of all that happened. It was overwhelming. Once home with both of our daughters in their beds, we had time to talk about what happened....but it was too challenging to talk.  Jack doesn't want to talk about “what if's”.  While I don't either, I needed to feel a game plan for the "what if's" because Makenzie only has 1/3 of her pancreas left.  I need to know if hospitalization happens again, we can communicate to support each other better.  The hurt and anger of times when we needed to communicate best, but were communicating at our worst, haunted me.  You can't change what words you've shared and the splinters they’ve created in your soul, but you can learn and evolve from them.

Makenzie was hospitalized with Acute Pancreatitis and multi-organ failure at 6.5 years old. Upon being admitted, one ER nurse whom I am forever indebted, looked me square in the eye and said, “Your daughter is very, very sick.  I don’t know what is going on but it’s not good and it’s going to be a long journey. You are strong and must use all your might to just love her.”  Powerful words. They described her 3 month journey in 1 minute. Any percentage, relating to a medical condition, Makenzie would defy, and not always in the right direction. However this did start with her beginning too, since she was the 2% of babies born to Moms on the birth control pill.  For some reason, she’s been ready to prove her strength and headstrong ways since the beginning.

The heaviness of hard conversations and feelings of not being heard are heartbreaking.  When you experience tragic times with someone, only the two of you can relate about those moments. While you don't want anyone to understand, it would almost be healing if there were someone else who could.  The pressures mount, especially while trying to "keep calm and carry on" for your children. And even harder...nobody talks about it.  Nobody who is married truly talks about the challenges of communication, and the hard work that goes into a marriage and partnership. Why not? I’m not saying air all components of intimate spousal fights, but if we feel the need to talk about some elements and ask for advice, why aren't we? Why do people feel they can only show their Facebook image...meaning they only share the most gorgeous moments of their marriages.

Is that honest or real?  I remember when writing on Caring Bridge I wanted to discuss how hard it was …but every third person expressed concern about the divorce rate amongst couples with sick children. I wanted to share the on-going real life elements.  The arguments in the ICU, stress releasing runs that turned into fights over hospital bills, family conflicts about what was shared online and who was able to spend time with our younger daughter, Emerson. The conversations regarding, "What if surgeries don't work and she doesn't make it?". That is REAL and part of a marriage and children.  While horrifically tough, it’s the process of going through challenges together. 

You love the other person so much you power through the crappy times to endure the BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS ones! You power through moments of loneliness and those of screaming bloody loud that can happen when you cope differently. You do because you know in the end that you'll be part of the winning percentage by enduring and staying together.

Percentages

This week I became part of a percentage of people who entered Children's Hospital Oakland Notes&Words contest.  The challenge was to write an 800 word essay about your kid being sick, illness, life, parenting, divorce, adjustment, and everything in between.  Two of my favorite writers, Kelly Corrigan and Anne Lamott, are two of the judges.  Thus, a new percentage to add to my runner up essay title "Percentages"(it is the essay that I didn't submit).  The one I did submit is titled "Love". Crossing fingers they like it. ;) 


Enjoy....and thanks for reading.  xoxox Erin
 

Percentages-

Less than 2 percent of people get pregnant on the pill.  Ding, that’s our Miracle Makenzie.  Less than 2 percent of children get diagnosed with severe Accute Pancreatitis and mutliorgan failure. Ding, that’s Makenzie.  Less than 5 % of these cases get psuedopsysts that don’t drain independently.  Ding ding ding…that is Makenzie Christina Shirey.  To say that she defies the odds is an understatement. When every doctor, nurse, and Medical Director whispers they’ve never seen a case quite like your child, it is not a  percentage you want to be in. Especially when your child is at a hospital known for dealing with rare pediatric cases. All the while, every concerned family and friend says, “You know the percentage of parents who get divorced over hospitalized kids is huge”. Really, that percentage too?? Can’t there be a guaranteed percentage we fall into titled, “The percentage of families who face unfathomable situations and come out stronger defying every odd?”.  We’ve embraced the phrase Embrace Life’s Challenges because we don’t know how to live otherwise.

ICU- Day 6

Brilliant eyes came back- out of ICU, 3rd floor

Bug eyes, it’s what Makenzie had when I walked in the room. Who knew that 18 hours of stomach flu would evolve into a hallucinating 6.5 year old who looked like she just took acid.  I’ve never dropped acid, but I’ve been around friends who have, and their eyes reminded me of my innocent daughter’s. How was that possible at age 6? I know the time would come in the teen years to discuss drugs and bug eyes, but not in first grade.  Eyes as big as saucers, extremities frozen with body warm, and foam coming out of her mouth like a dog carrying rabies.  My Miracle Makenzie morphed into a manic child who didn’t recognize me, her Mother who has been her biggest cheerleader since seeing the two pink lines 7.5 years before.  In the ER waiting room, she seized in my arms and was rushed into the OR.  One doctor, another, whispers, tubes and hushed words filling a bubble cloud in the room full of “brain damage, meningitis, dog bite, rabies, organ failure, spinal”. But no words directed towards me, the Mother of the sweet little girl splayed on the operating table in her favorite yellow daisy nightgown. She looked like an actress auditioning for the tv show, “ER”, not my kid. I shared stories hoping she’d be soothed by my voice. Instead she was paralyzed by all going on around her and couldn’t give me eye contact.  I was craving that connection; the comfort that “she” was still there and would continue to defy odds.

Week 3.5- Emerson and Makenzie finally got to see each other! Sister love.

In the ICU for the 10 days after, we finally got the diagnosis of Accute Pancreatits.  Really, what adult alcoholics get is what brought my daughter to the hospital? “We may be Irish, but not that Irish!” was all I could say to help create laughter.   We needed laughter.  From the ICU she was hospitalized and had 3 surgeries and countless procedures.  Picc line infections, daily vomiting, NJ tubes, IV’s, blood draws, nurse strike, chapel, wagon rides, pole races, sibling visiting hours, ultrasound, MRI, small percentages and new normal were our “new normal” phrases.

music therapy

Makenzie finally recognized me with her dynamic Hazel eyes on day 2 of the ICU, and from there we connected each moment with eye contacts.  Words spoken through looks raised brows, fishbowl-full tear eyes, frustrated narrow brow, and exhausted red streaked eyes.  She’d close her eyes for peace, but listen to every word spoken around her. She wanted to hear that she’d be the winning percentage to make it home unscathed …so did we. 

How do you know you’ve made it to the other side of a winning, “made it”, percentage, when each day is a struggle to continue plugging forward? We know we can’t live in daily fear of Makenzie getting sick again, but it is ever-present.  And how one copes with that is different; the stressors of a hospitalized child and a young toddler eager for her family to come home.  What is the guarantee for a family fitting back together, once all grieve and cope the lost feeling or normalcy? There isn’t. You’re never guaranteed that.  But you have to work your arse off for it to happen, and work incredibly hard allowing yourself to live in the moment. 

You aren’t guaranteed when saying “I do” that you’ll experience horrific stressors, with the ability to cope and nurture each other the way you need to be treated.  Odds are it won’t happen. Odds are you’ll have to work incredibly hard on your relationship, while simultaneously nurturing your post hospitalized family.  Honestly, these elements are almost as challenging as having a sick child. Why? Because as an adult, you wish your partner could have superpowers like a mind-reader.  The depletion from medical bills, keeping peace, and maintaining balance is there and you can’t bear the energy to nurture someone else too. But you do. You do because you want to defy another percentage and make IT. You push through the post hospital trials to make it to another percentage the doctors can tell new ICU families. That of a family who had every odd stacked against them and is now thriving. The family whose daughter once had bug eyes but ended with big brown hazel eyes shining brightly.  Because beating the small percentage was what they were supposed to do. 

How we knew normalcy could happen again- weeks between CHO and UCSF at HOME! November 2010

1 More Day...

As I am searching for more luck of the Irish today, being the Irish girl I am, I wanted to share a favorite of mine.  Take a peak at your favorite Irish pal, bet their eyes are twinkling today too.

---Slainte!

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling

When Irish eyes are smiling

Sure it's like a morning spring.

In the lilt of Irish laughter,

You can hear the angels sing.

When Irish hearts are happy,

All the world seems bright and gay.

And when Irish eyes are smiling,

Sure, they steal your heart away.