Why to push it on Saturdays? Blog from single-parenting Saturday, April 23rd

At the Railroad Revival Tour- 

4.21.11

Today at spinning I nailed it. Truly, wanted to have my own ars handed to me and it was.  I pushed it, I made a choice to go outside my comfort zone, and I sweated like a pig.  I didn't care and it felt incredible.  What is interesting is how on my Saturday morning spin class, I have made a point to give it my all each week.  It is one of my last workouts of the weeks, and can set the tone for how I feel for the day.  Today, the class gave me a sense of challenge, determination and eagerness to make the most of my own day that started off crappy. Why, you ask? Because while each moment being "home out of the hospital" is great, being a single parent with Jack away and having two very spirited and determined girls can pull every ounce of my patience. And the reason is I try not to lose it best I can since there are reasons to lose it; E's huge tantrums or M's determination to not take cold medicine are not them.  But they do push my patience and limits.

Thus, it made me think. What is it that pushes your limits with your kids?  When do you realize you need a 20 minute quick run, to lock yourself in the basement, or to grab a glass of wine and sit on the back deck? What puts you over the edge?

On this element of challenge and determination, it is hard to be a fitness professional as others see it always easy to train and that workouts are easy for you. While working out and training is definitely my passion, and I have a high tolerance since I love it, there are still days when it is hard to be on no sleep and I have to make myself push through the first 10-20 minutes before I can stop. I don't allow myself to quit or complain as I know when I can really complain-when pushing my heart rate to the max and feeling like I will flop over with depletion. Truly though, every Mom has to juggle and every Mom has days and limits.  I think if we can all understand and pat each others' backs for efforts well done, instead of being quick to whine (or wine!), the long days would be a bit easier. Especially when you have your running shoes, iPod, and a sunset to run towards...

St Patricks Day 2011

Many Memories Shamrock St. Patrick's Day Card

Shutterfly custom Valentines Day and Mother's Day cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Living to JUST GO FOR IT!!

Part of being home and embarking on life post almost losing your child is you realize you have to just GO FOR IT!  You really do; no questions, no hesitations, but to just live life fully and try everything.  We have always encouraged our daughters to do that, and while it is nerve-wracking at times, it is also freeing to know that we all genuinely hold the potential to do any and everything.  When you don't over think and do, your life feels 10 pounds lighter. 

This past week, I have just DONE. I took some risks, had so much fun and packed a lot of new adventures into one week.  You know what.... it felt great!  It felt liberating! I was LAUGHING a lot with every new adventure. One of the biggest ones was entering a contest to become the new Real Model Cover Model for Fitness Magazine.  I entered last Friday night, February 18th, not knowing what I was getting into. I was nervous to press send on my photo and essay, but I figured what do I have to lose! Why not, life is to short, right? We know that so very well with our miracle daughters, so I thought I should just do it.  I am not 5'10 and big chested, but 5'1 with a small chest, strong legs and can run for miles.  I was nervous about putting a swimsuit photo up with the girls, because it's not a women flexing in a bikini with make up like the others, but it is REAL and me! 

Now I am in the Top 10 in the Country and have been all week! Currently I am #6 and in 36 hours we find out who wins.  Friends and family have been very supportive and sharing the link and my story with everyone.  At first I was uncomfortable saying what I did, and then I stepped back and thought who the heck cares!  Let's see what happens and I will tell all my family and friends to VOTE!!

So please take a minute to vote- it is very fast.  10 seconds at most!  You vote, submit, answer the question, submit the vote, and share the link. Press like on the FB button, and voila vote is done!

VOTE HERE- THE LINK-  
 

Makenzie and Emerson are getting excited and while Jack doesn't like the voting process (the technical element) he is supportive too.  From something on a whim, is now something of a chance and means a lot.  

Why I decided to do this some friends have asked--- The story
I have never been one to not try something because of nerves, hence jumping off high rocks in Waimea Bay in Hawaii, or the high dive at age 5 giving my Mom a heart attack.  But I do have natural hesitations and nerves that pop through.  While I know it is normal, I also know that they need to be thrown out the window because each moment is a new opportunity to live fuller and more vibrantly. 

When in Portland, I did tv segments with Better TV.  I loved it and had fun, and while there were natural body image concerns with being on tv, I felt confident that I was a real Mom and Trainer who didn't have a boob job and had strong legs.  It was fun to do TV, and I had met with producers about potentially making some Fitness DVD's.  But it came to financing, and then some of my nerves got the best of me. When pregnant with Emerson, I thought I would get right back to that goal after she was born. I had connections, my mom-students in Baby Boot Camp and Power Outdoor Fitness asking me to make them, and was comfortable with a microphone.  But...I got pneumonia when 6 weeks postnatal, Emerson got pneumonia-pertusis-RSV at 7 weeks old, and my Dad was with an unexpected heart condition.

I had the rug pulled from under me and suddenly I didn't have any energy left to focus on my own goals of television or growing my fitness business personality.  I tried to juggle Emerson's needs, 4 year old Makenzie, and owning two fitness businesses while being a full time Mom.  Anxiousness set in and my juggling wasn't working. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, it's what I helped train women to prevent in Baby Boot Camp.  Yet I couldn't fight nature and had to face it. I did, through exercise, therapy and hard work.  I decided to sell one of my businesses and cut back on work.

One year later, Fall of 2009, I was ready again to make my mark!  I sold my Baby Boot Camp business, owned Power Outdoor Fitness and Power Fitness PDX, and was trying to garner my schedule to work best with the girls.  Makenzie was in Kindergarten, Emerson was having fun, I was trying to be at peace ...but with the economy Jack's job wasn't going well as a Recruiter and he got laid off without severance or benefits.  I thought, "Oh no, wait, how could this be we were at a great place!".  Yet again, rug pulled out, I jumped over the dust bunnies that remained and made sure to start over again full force in a new city and new state.  So after no jobs in the Portland area, we moved to California in the New Year. The seed to just GO FOR IT was still planted away, and I knew my time would come to have fun on camera in the Bay Area.  I needed to get settled first in life. To find a house, have the girls comfortable and meeting people, support Jack in his new job, start my business again, and attempt to feel situated in our new, but my old, city.  Yet, I knew it would work! I did, I knew I could gradually get there again to put myself out there for maybe local fitness pieces, etc. Come Summer, we were there! Life was grand, we were flourishing as a whole and I was ready to focus on my business goals.

Then BOOM, like a mac truck we were hit the blow of Makenzie getting so sick and almost dying. The doctors had no idea what was going on, and within hours of being in the hospital we didn't know if Makenzie would make it, what was going on with her, why or how long it would be.  Life stopped and while others were moving on in the world outside Children's Hospital and UCSF experiencing Fall and Winter, we were going day -to -day trying to cope and live.  I dropped everything to be there for Makenzie and make sure to be her Mom, nurse, friend, supporter, advocate, and nurturer.  I also tried to nurture Emerson and Jack in the same.  And...we did it!  We all survived and made it through. Not unscarred mentally and Makenzie physically, but we did it and learned so much about the human spirit, community, blessings and the true will to live fully!!!

We have been on a gradual climb back to normalcy and back to feeling good!!!  Makenzie is settled in school again, doing incredible (Read her latest Caring Bridge Update), and getting stronger each day!  Emerson is LOVING preschool in Tiny Tots, flourishing in being 3 with ALL of us at home.  Jack has been able to submerge himself to his job and likes his new company more than he realized. He is even starting a new 5013c!  So...as I am maintaining my sense of balance in juggling all of this, trying to digest everything, I realized it is my time to just GO FOR IT AGAIN! 

Thus, I entered the contest which for me took some courage, but it was so very freeing and exciting!  I didn't even think at first of the potential opportunities that can evolve from this for my family, my business and personal goals, other women to be exposed to some of my own experiences that may give a sense of guidance and hope, and a real means to overcome and do the Fitness DVD. 

In one week, I entered the Fitness Magazine Cover Model contest (eek!), did a pole dancing class with my dear college bestie Bo, played with our loving dear friends Erin & Dylan, went to the PRINCE concert college Bestie Erika, did open gym gymnastics class last night with the Power Fitness PDX ladies, and today subbed Baby Boot Camp Oakland. How much I have missed just playing and having fun with my girlfriends too!!! It has been a week of balancing, while taking care of me too and making my own goals of FUN with FRIENDS and living fully happen!  My Power Fitness PDX goals are getting accomplished too faster than I thought with relaunching in January. Had an incredible meeting with Lucy on Tuesday, which had me leave smiling.  I worked with them in Portland, and now, a new working relationship that is mutually beneficial.   It is incredible and while my families life is getting balance, my own life is getting some balance too!  It is dynamic and fun and while I am waiting for a little rug to potentially be pulled from under us again, I'll just keep GOING FOR IT like my daughters have taught me.

Running in fog but through the wind

Yesterday was one of the windiest days and one of the clearest in many months.  It has been a ride the past 6 weeks post UCSF, especially the past 5 that Makenzie has been back in school and we have all been back to our new normal lives.  She is doing incredible, which brings a huge sense of peace, but also scare.  The nerves of not knowing if she will go back to the hospital are trying, but also gradually going to the side when allowed. 

Last week I had a list of things to get done with re-launching my business and the fitness challenge coming up, but Emerson was very punky and needed to be home getting better.  She had a cold that is pretty brutal.  It's not a big deal though compared to anything else and we just moved along and went with how she felt. So I dropped my "to do list" and cuddled a lot.  She would cough through the night, whine out and immediately we'd jump to get her.  When snuggling in our bed she would pull us right close, so tight that we are cheek to cheek all night, and then would cough all night.  Lovely visual, eh? Let me tell you it is a gift to be a Mom, but moments like that of coughs in your face as you calm your kiddo let you know it is a nonstop "gift" of patience and calm since you know you're next in line for the cold. 

Emerson being an RSV-pertusis- pneumonia kid has us worried when she catches a cold since she can go from 0 to 60 in a few hours.  I took her to the doctor's on Tuesday to take a peak and see. It was the best MD appointment we've had in a very long time.....no ears or throat infections and Makenzie read to her the entire visit.  Gradually she got better and then I got it.  No big deal though, I run through it.  I know it can be much worse and outside of my running gloves being washed after each runny nose induced run, it's all good.   But why was it I still was getting flustered and feeling foggy?  Why, some mornings after teaching or training, would I feel a punch to my gut and some nerves being stirred?  I was doing everything right I thought.  We were all getting a routine, Jack and I were communicating about schedules, and talking a lot about our own balance within the family.  E had no ear or throat infections and loves school and M was doing incredible in school making it 'till 1:30 most days already.  Yet I couldn't get the weight off my shoulders to feel "light". 

Then yesterday I had a revelation when running with Emerson. I booked it to pick her up at preschool since I was almost late, going against an intense wind.  She wanted to picnic after school so I brought her lunch even remembering her favorite yogurt.  We enjoyed lunch with some friends and I had a nice time watching as she interacted with her buddy S.  She was talking about her "friends" and smiling a lot.  When the wind almost blew us away, we decided to run "home", but I knew I had to get some miles in and we'd be running a long way home.  E was singing to me and talking to her doll, Baby Sita, for a while and suddenly stopped.  I peaked in and she was conked out, looking so sweet and yummy all bundled up protected from the wind.  I continued on the beach path.  When looking out across the Bay to San Francisco the crisp beauty took me away.  The city popped out like on a postcard. 

In all this windy clarity it hit me....I have been given the time to process what happened with Makenzie and to "move on" and be grateful she made it.  But I fear that if I move to far forward I am setting myself up for disappointment and scare if she suddenly has to go back to UCSF.  I have been working on creating balance again, a sense of structure and schedule for not only Makenzie but for all of us.  My business is set for training between 4:45-7:45 am, so I don't miss time with the girls or Jack and can work with my clients and boot camps.  Emerson has Preschool twice each week, Makenzie is doing better each day and gaining even more courage.  Jack is loving his job and feels good, even tough he works late because he is happy with what he is doing.  All of this is incredible...and feeling clean and bright.  It feels good and blissful in many ways, but it is starting to feel like when we moved into our house and were starting to feel settled last September.  It was the time right when Makenzie got sick and our lives were changed. I think that is what scares me. 

Yesterday morning a friend from Makenzie's school asked me if we knew the cause for what happened. She asked me with a fearful laugh adding, "Do you know so we can all make sure to not do it?".  I didn't take it as rude, I took it as her being nervous about it happening again and concerned if it could happen to her daughter.  We've been asked the question regularly by friends and acquaintances and dealt with it each time with similar answers, such as "We have no idea, she is an anomoly". But  I go back and repeat every event leading up to Makenzie getting sick; thinking if there was any moment we could have prevented what happened.  If there was anything we could have done to avoid her experiencing all the pain, scares and scars.  But as we've been told by the doctor's, there isn't any rhyme or reason why and if it will happen again.  Still, I ask myself and have to find courage and peace to face the answer of no answer.

When I stopped at the beach to look at the City, I realized I am scared BUT craving balance because it means we will be getting more and more back to "normal".  But we'll never be "normal" again, and knowing anything can change in an instant, is scary.  We just have to LIVE and know it's OK to be scared about the unanswered questions.  It is not being pessimistic as someone said to me, as I am a glass "half full" type of person, BUT I don't have to be brave all the time and am allowed to be scared of being "normal" again. Normal is when our world fell apart...and we had to just go with it and not resist but be patient and pray.   I feel clearer with the ability of knowing that it's ok to grieve as I heal since the more we get back to normal, the harder it will be if anything happens again.  But being back in a normal routine balances out my inner peace, and normalcy is ok. It doesn't mean a rug will be pulled out from under us again, it means we can just "live" each day.  It means I can keep running and not have to stop for long periods of time. But if I do, I know how to pick up and keep going again and again.

Emerson-Ramona-E-Miss Magoo-Monkey

Dynamic Emerson, my little bundle of energy and independence started Preschool on January 4th! It was huge, and a needed growth change for her. She was nervous and wanted to be as princess like as possible wearing her favorite green dress, tights and party shoes, and a grown up barrette in her hair. She packed her Dora backpack, making sure to include coloring books and a camera. Cuddling Baby Sita as tight as possible all morning, Emerson saw the other kids didn't have their dolls with them and asked me to put Baby Sita in her backpack so she was close enough to touch, but away so she can be like the other "big" kids.  From the beginning, Emerson has always had a sparkle and that sparkle of delight was in her eyes. She became a preschooler while I became a Mom with both of my kidlets in "school".

I can't believe she is almost 3, but then again, I lost 3.5 months from "being" with my youngest daughter all the time. Emerson is my buddy, and I have prided myself and trying to strike a work-balance to remember every ounce of who she is. She has many nicknames, all that suit her perfectly.  Ramona, Miss Magoo, E and Monkey.  They all describe how silly, spirited, loving, curious and adventurous she is.  She is also a BIG miracle, like her big sister, and actually paved the way for Makenzie to know what being in a hospital is like. From the day we left the hospital the final time with Emerson, I vowed to work at changing my teaching schedule, business and life and "be fully present" with Emerson at all times. Of course that is a lot to ask of any person, let alone business owning parent, but after almost losing Emerson when an infant and  losing 3. 5 months with her, there is no time to pass by without embracing it.  And I have, and it is hard at times, but so delicious in the same. Changing my own schedule for teaching and training clients allows me more time with Emerson in the mornings. I now teach and train all clients between 4 am-8 am which allows more time in the day. When she is not in school we are taking each morning as it comes, and the days she is in school we have more time to dawdle as we walk or run home. This past Tuesday she asked if I could bring her Barbie scooter when picking her up, which I did, and she lasted 15 minutes trying to scoot independently before she hopped in the jogging stroller.  I was trying to capture each image of Emerson scooting along in her fancy twirly skirt, purple helmet, pink Vans and a smile as big as her face.  If only our lives had a permanent video playing above us to take these images in.

Emerson turns 3 on Tuesday... 3 Years old!! Her little birthday celebration is tomorrow and I am excited for it to be ALL about Emerson for the day. She has talked about wanting a Zoo Birthday party, what cupcakes to make, and what dress she want to wear. On Friday we went to Target to pick out goodie bag swag, Dora gear and pink everything. To have this basic time with E doesn't replace the months lost to juggling taking care of Bug, but they are times we are both craving right now. Just craving the feeling of being around each other to hear each others voices or hold each others hands walking down the street.  Like any kid, Emerson needs her Mom as much as her Mom needs and craves her. So I take this time, even when they are trying and her independent firecracker self shines through, because I can't get any of our lost time back.

Cherish, is what I am doing, cherishing Miss E as she turns the magical 3 and wants to play with Me!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Lucky 14

I was running with Emerson yesterday celebrating...it was January 14th, one month exactly that Makenzie was released from UCSF and she has stayed home since! Huge! The date December 14 we marked on the calendar since we came home that night, and circled January 14 as one month after. It is etched in my head especially since it includes the number 14, which is Jack's lucky number, and my due date with Makenzie was April 14, 2003. She has gone back to UCSF for appointments, for tests, ultrasounds and to visit her sweet friend Ryan but she has come home each night to her own bed. Mind you, she has been sleeping in our bed a lot since she has come home, eager to be close and feel safe. But she is under our roof and the four of us are home as a family. So Emerson and I took off for me to run, E to sing to us, and to finish by picking up Makenzie at school.

It was incredibly bright with sunshine dripping down on us. You wouldn't believe it was January, and not only that it was a Friday too which always feels like a day of celebration. We started out on one of my favorite runs from our house: along Pearl with the cute California bungalos, down to Shoreline Drive and along the waterfront, to Crown Beach, and initially I wanted to go further but then realized I had only 15 minutes to get back to pick up Makenzie. Whoops, on my part with time! Emerson had been singing to me and then stopped. I had an inkling she was asleep, peaked in and she was conked out holding Baby Sita (her favorite doll) with her pink baby blanket pulled up to her chin. I look at E and melt every time, she is my little buddy and being a celebration day I couldn't help but feel such joy and celebrate E too. As I turned around to run back, it was more like blast back ... this is where my sprint training comes through... making sure I am on time to pick up Bug from school.

Since E was asleep and our singing and chatter stopped, I started to think my deeper thoughts, and my mind went to how far Makenzie has come in one month. We left the hospital and were so excited, but Makenzie's real healing has happened at home. She is learning how to feel "normal". She has gotten real uninterrupted sleep, been able to rest when she needs to, have quiet time playing with Barbies, read stories to Emerson and gradually gained an appetite again. Through helping Makenzie heal, we all have been healing a little bit. We've also been learning how to work together again as a family of 4 and support each others' nerves as they pop through. But it is this time, actually the past 2 weeks that Makenzie has been in school and Emerson started preschool, that I really am digesting all that has gone on and all Makenzie has overcome. I've said the entire journey that Makenzie is incredibly brave, courageous and has the most incredible love oozing from her. But damn, she seriously rocks and is so brave!

I looked at my watch when at the end of the beach, still one mile plus to go and saw I had 6 minutes until the bell would ring. Being an early dismissal day, it was the first day Makenzie would be leaving with her class verses picked up early since she's been back to school. I was so excited to see her walk out of room #103's door with her classmates so my legs turned into speed wheels, and I pushed the jogger as fast as I could. Phew, made it to the school yard, pulled up to the classroom door with a smile on my face but sweat dripping down my back and there bounds out Makenzie with a huge grin from ear to ear. A quick, "Hi Mom! Casey and I can't wait for our playdate tonight, but I'm going to play tag now. Ok?". She ran to PLAY TAG...one month after leaving the hospital, 2 weeks into starting school again and Makenzie can play tag with her friends in the small play-yard. My eyes were welled with tears watching her sweet self, she oozed joy and happiness. Listening to "eenie meenie miney mo, catch a tiger by it's toe...." as the kids were picking who would be "it" again was music to my ears. Normal kid noises are part of our life again, not just beeps and medical lingo. Wahoo!

After Makenzie played for about 5 minutes her energy window was used up, but her blissful window was still open. She launched over to me, took my hand and we started walking home planning our afternoon and her dinner playdate with Casey. One month marker, big month of events, and many more months to go. I know I won't ever feel secure until Makenzie's pseudocyst is completely gone and there is an answer why this happened, but one month has passed since we left UCSF's 4th floor and we are all moving along to our new normal. Go Makenzie go...my little rockstar.

No such thing as the end, there are only new beginnings- Parenthood

Fireworks

When living at Children's Hospital, CHO, and UCSF, my time that was "mine" was to exercise and train. I knew that my body had to be strong to take care of Makenzie, Emerson, Jack and myself. But it was hard to leave. Often I would feel barely able to walk through the Club doors, hop on the Precor, and just make myself go. Within 3 minutes, I felt my groove and was able to start tuning out. My headphones were on, channel on the telly set to 43 or 44 for MTV and VHI and I'd have my freak flag fly as I got pumped by the early morning videos. I was "present" and around adults and peers I was used to laughing and hanging at the pool with all Summer, but now it was Fall and I wasn't at the Club during daytime hours since I was at the hospital. I just wanted to feel "there", but not have to be social there, so I tuned out to videos. Then, in October, I saw Katy Perry's Firework Video. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears started streaming down my face, my throat got choked up, and I felt as if my limbs were wet noodles. The video highlights your own firework and allowing you to SHINE. But, there is one character they follow who is a little girl in the hospital and obviously sick. He walks out the hospital doors and his firework shines brightly. It was all I could hope would happen to Makenzie.

The song became OUR song. We played the song in the hospital, on our iPods, replayed the video on You Tube again and again. It is now our song to have everyone shine and be WHO they are, finding their inner strength. Both girls ask for the song, we belt it out, we made it our anthem to feel good. I developed a mad love of the video and how incredibly positive it is. I also still choke up every time I see it, or hear it. That being said, Makenzie's first day back at school, we played Firework. Emerson's first day of preschool, she asked for the Firework song to play in the car and sang along in her sweet preschooler voice. On Pandora, I have a Katy Perry Firework station, and love it. For some reason hearing it gives me hope that whatever happens, Makenzie and all of us, are like bright fireworks bubbling through and through and can overcome all the odds. Makenzie has a spark that people are drawn to and want to see shine brightly. She has an aura about her that can only grant great things in life, and it wasn't her time to be put out, but her time to explode with greatness. For many reasons, she was given the gift of life, and now has the ability to shine brightly everywhere.

Which brings me to the past weekend. The girls, my Mom, Sister and I went on a much anticipated trip to Disneyland. Makenzie got the green light from Dr. Kanwar on December 29th, and on January 7th we were on a plane to LAX. At Disneyland one of the best memories for me was watching Makenzie take in the Fantastmic Light & Fireworks Show. We were waiting for it to begin and met a family comprised of 5 kids, 2 who were around Makenzie's age. Makenzie and the little boy bonded immediately and she asked him about his "firework". She explained how she was so excited to be there and she was sparking. She shared that she was bubbling with excitement...he looked at her like any 6 year old...with an expression of "Ok, if you say so". Makenzie was oblivious and her eyes glowing. Then the show began, her magic fingers playing along with the symphony and firework shining.

Find your own Firework, let it EXPLODE, and shine brightly. If my 6 year old who had to overcome incredible odds can, anyone can. Life is to short not to shine, explode vibrantly and shine proudly!!!