12.16.11...last day...

Today was my last day teaching Power Fitness PDX until February 2012...double knee surgery is on Monday. 3 days until life will be altered on this teeter totter and I will be off balance in every sense of the phrase.

Teaching Power Fitness PDX and owning my own business has given me a sense of focus, discipline, support, enthusiasm, spirit, appreciation of my own community, and appreciation of the strengths I possess and can share with others. While there have been many days this last year that I have woken up in the middle of the night with nerves about Makenzie and her health and future, Emerson's growth and her quality time with us, my marriage and how challenging having a sick child/job loss/relocation/coping with it all is very different and straining and how I just want to be present and LIVE LOUDLY(vibrantly and embracing each bit of fun and joy) and CONFIDENTLY...has to be put aside so I can support the incredible men and women who come to PFPDX.

Training the TEAM has given me a gift of focus and reason to put on my work and motivational hat. To put aside my own concerns while I help them get stronger and reach their goals. I am beyond eternally grateful.  Without realizing it, many of them have given me back the sense of normalcy I had been craving with every ounce of my being after having a hospitalized child post relocating and starting over.

Now that I taught my last class for 6 weeks I have to focus on embarking on another challenge...double knee surgery.  It is more uncertainty, but the definite I know is I look forward to February when I can put my own fears and challenges aside by starting my days  training Power Fitness PDXers.

I look forward to embracing these challenges of not teaching by using my time rehabbing so I can become stronger. To become more knowledgeable and a greater pillar of coaching to help them surpass all their goals.  The TEAM helped me so very much this year...and honestly I made it to this point more focused than ever before. I can only hope to continue and help them to this same level too...

Noodle Swimming

I can still visualize the moment I looked over and saw the sea turtle staring at me.  That turtle made me think a lot about focus and swimming through the "noodles".

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was training in Poipu, Kauai, and my body was getting limp.  I had done 100 burpees in the sand, 100 sand liners, countless push ups/squats and dive bomb push ups.  The beach was quiet at 6:30 am, it was the surfers and me.  Nobody else on the beach, the waves were nice and not to intense.  After doing sand training, I dove into the water to swim 7 lengths back and forth in the bay at the Wai 'o Hai.  I figured time wise it was equivalent to 1.3-1.5 miles and the Pacific Grove Tri is 1 mile.  Thus, perfect distance for training and for being in my happy place.  Swimming in open water is much more challenging than the pool, but incredibly powerful for the spirit. At least it is for mine.

I was born with the love of open water, started swim team at age 5 since I couldn't wait to hop whenever in my swimsuit...or without. I didn't care but for as long as I know water has been my healing place. It's where I feel strong, powerful, at one with myself and at peace.  It is different than running for me.  When swimming the methodic rhythm of moving one arm in front of the other, with only my inner thoughts to hear, eases me.  Jack learned this early on, and on days when I seem a bit stressed he encourages me to run to the Club and go for a swim, knowing that after I am bound to come home depleted like a wet noodle but with incredible inner peace.  My husband knows me to well and as often as I want to fight it, is right in regards to knowing what my body needs at times more than I do.

Thus, I dove into the water on this morning, stroke by stroke was feeling my lats and deltoids work.  My core felt strong, in addition to my hamstrings as I was kicking.  While swimming I was lucky enough to look at Parrot Fish, Angel Fish, the Hawaiian State Fish-Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, and many other fish and sea cucumbers.  During this time my mind started going to the question that seems to be on many of our dear friends and acquaintances thoughts these days.  The question of, "It has been almost one year since Makenzie got sick.  How is she doing and aren't you so happy it is all behind you?".  What they don't realize is how loaded the question is.  While I want to jump up and down and scream, "Life is perfect and she is forever healed!!!", it is not the case.  Is it as bad as the hospital days, heck no! We are beyond blessed and grateful for the rest of our lives that we are a solid family of four.  We have both our daughters at home with us, stronger each day, and getting more and more independent than we want to admit.  But is it all behind us, not yet, and it will be a process before it is entirely, if ever.

While we came home from the hospital right before Christmas, we have fought a long battle since.  We have learned how to live together as a family of four again.  We have learned what our real schedule of life is like with a preschooler and elementary school kid.  We learned that we all cope with stress and the various medical concerns of Makenzie differently...and it is OK.  We learned that medical bills suck, and 8 months of attempting to work hard at paying them off combined with still catching up on Emerson's medical bills when she was sick combined with a few lay offs and relocation will take a while to overcome, but is our life.  Are any of these situations horrible and horrendous in our opinion - heck no!!!  Are they trying- heck yes!!! Is that a bad thing, no, but a challenging thing when people assume months at home equal easiness of day to day life again. We are all forever changed.

Thus back to swimming.  I started to get tired on the 6th out and back. While a competitive person, I began to question if I could make it to the 7th out and back. My arms felt like wet noodles and my mind was following.  I started to feel physically and emotionally spent.  I continued my freestyle towards the sandbar and looked over at a moving object.  At that very instant I saw a sea turtle look right at me.  This turtle, I'll name him Fred, looked me directly in the eye.  He started to swim towards me and I swam a bit deeper to look right at him.  Fred swam towards the rocks and then swam back towards me.  For those of you who know me, you know I love sea turtles like I love my family.  I even have a  sea turtle tattoo that my own daughters want to emulate (when they are 30 I say!), on my back and will swim with them at any chance.  This turtle got me.  I was depleted, so depleted. And he came to me at that moment just starting me down. He went out and came back, almost to make sure I was there. He was peaceful, and I swam up and down with him for a while. Fred, the turtle, was playing in his own way.  He also, without realizing it, stood for something.  That is inspiration.  The inspiration to never give up home and to always be at peace. To me, that is what I felt.

After we played for about 7-10 minutes Fred swam away and I continued on.  That little bit of Sea Turtle inspiration gave me the energy to swim the rest of the 6th out and back and finish the 7th out and back.  It also gave me the strength to allow myself to think all of my thoughts through in regards to the question "Are we OK, and it is it all behind us now?".  Yes, life has grown and moved on. But in the past 8 months, Jack and I have learned to fight and love each other on a deeper level, both healing in our own ways.  Emerson has developed night terrors crying for her sister to stay home, and not lose her pink blanket.  She has developed a fear of doctors offices and all things attached to them...even going with me to a knee MD appointment.  She thinks doctors equate her family going to the hospital. Makenzie is stronger than ever.  She is also fearful that when she shows symptoms of distress it means she will be back in UCSF in minutes. She downplays the smallest cold (with highest fever), and on the days leading to our plane trip to Kauai she had stomach issues but said they were nothing. My inner core was full of nerves but I tried to downplay it on the outside for Makenzie's sake.  I was on the phone with her medical team and she was almost admitted.  Jack has been working tons and doesn't like to talk about when Makenzie was sick, about how it has affected our life, but only when she is well. He doesn't wants to discuss the potential(most likely reality) of Type 1 Diabetes right now, nor think that anything else can happen.  We are all coping differently and growing as we move on.

That being said, we really know how to LIVE each moment now. We know not to sweat SMALL things and to have faith that things will work out. We know that money is money, and keeping up with the Joneses isn't part of who we are or want to be, even though we are in the busier Bay Area and it's easy to get caught up in that.  We again learned LIFE is the most important thing, as are the MOMENTS we have with each other.

Yes, I thought of all of that when swimming.  I know, my mind can be on overload quite a lot. But it is at these times that life gives us moments of inspiration.  And that is what the Sea Turtle, Fred, gave me.  He inspired me to keep moving on and keep moving my body. He gave me focus again on what I was to do and where my place was at the moment.

MY own life is evolving, as is yours, every moment.  Sometimes I want to hold onto the moment where I am at for fear that moving forward means potential for more questions that go unanswered.  But after swimming and feeling my inner strength, I again felt the notion to always move forward with noodle arms and all.  Even in moments of weakness, an inner deep strength will pull through and make all of us stronger in the end.

A run that was SO RIGHT and went SO WRONG

Jack got home from my brother's bachelor party in New Orleans very late on Sunday night.  As we were talking back and forth during his travels back home, I told him I was ready to RUN HARD on Monday and couldn't wait to pound the pavement. He understood as every runner does- 3 days without an intense run leaves a parent ready to pound it out. Mind you I had a blast with pur girls while Jack was gone, and we played tons on the rainy days inside, but my body was ready to push it.

Monday morning came, the four of us walked to the park together and then I took off for my run. My goal was to do 6 miles with a comfortable pace the first 2, push it the second 2 miles, and then blast it the last two miles.  I had my iPhone Pandora station set to Katy Perry, favorite running capris and tank comfortably rockin', and was rolling along the beach path before I knew it.  I ran upon a familiar gait and came upon Annie C. from Power Fitness PDX.  We chatted a few steps and I rocked on.  My pace was comfortable, about 7:20/25.  I noticed so many people on the beach path and thought about how great Alameda is to raise kids; how fun it is to ride bicycles to the beach and even if overcast bring buckets and shovels to play in the sand.  When I got to the Windsurf Shack my eyes continued to look towards the sky and the tons of kite surfers - kites dancing their way above our heads.  I spotted an Irish kite made of shamrocks and smiled, knowing it was a sign I would make my kite surfing dream happen.

Coming up on mile 3-4 I decided to pick it up a notch.  Smiling at every runner, giving the runner wave and nod, my body moved forward into racing mode.  I was on the latter part of the See Jane Run course that I'm racing this upcoming Sunday, June 5th, and my body naturally started to kick into higher gear.  Checked my watch-whew miles 3 was faster averaging 6:40/45 pace! My smile was growing and I was feeling good.  But that soon changed.

At the turn around and I began running back towards home, my body was in a good place.  I felt in tune with each step, my mind wasn't stressing on much, and then....I saw 4 police cars and two firetrucks ahead of me at Willow. My initial thought was Heaven forbid, a child was hit, but I continued my pace and ran closer. I was ready to close my eyes, fearing the heartache of identifying to closely with an injured child's parents', but was surprised to see fire fighters and police officers holding binoculars looking towards the water. Phew, I thought, a fun bit of sea life came towards the shore and they were probably called upon to assist with a rescue. The joys of living on an  island ... I thought.

Once I passed Willow St. and all the cops, I pushed it faster determined to see what my body could do.  Continuing down the nature path, running through Makenzie's school and towards home, my pace pushed 6:15/6:20 the last 2.5 miles!  The sweat across my brow and down my back was intense, while my runner's high was strong.  You know the feeling...one of sweat induced pride from a great run.  I opened the front door excited to share the good run with Jack and the girls, in addition to sharing there was some fun action at the beach that may be some fun animal life. Heck, it happened in the '80's with Humphry the Humpback Whale in the Bay, so there must have been some fun excitement in the Bay again!

After talking and showering, we got distracted and decided to do some errands instead of rush back to the beach.  Thank goodness we changed plans ...Today I brought up in Power Fitness PDX that there was something great at the beach yesterday.  Not having any inkling of what a boot camper was about to share, my heart sunk when hearing what the real "something" was at the beach.  A man walked into the water attempting to commit suicide and the Police and Fire Departments didn't have the water jurisdiction to rescue him. The many people at the beach didn't act act on the Good Samaritan law since they thought the Fire and Police had it under control.  A 20 year old gal finally went out to help rescue the 53 year old man, but it was to late. 

Hearing this has infuriated me.  Being a lifeguard and swim instructor for years, I would have run into the water and waded to get the man to the shore.  When running by the scene, everyone seemed non-chalant as if it wasn't an emergency but a safe rescue situation.  Having experienced a dear friend's suicide just last August, it is a horrible experience and you feel helpless in not being able to help the one you loved. You feel helpless not being able to save any life- knowing the person or not.  The government officials had the people at the beach, those running by and those who lived in all the apartments on Shoreline, with a false sense of security that they had the situation under control.  Typing this has my blood boiling.

How is it, on an island, there is no jurisdiction to rescue people in the water?  How is it possible that a man can commit suicide in the middle of the day, with so many watching feeling the situation was under control?  How can there not be funds to pay for water rescue training of all officials, but there is money to pay for nice pensions and comfortable salaries??

Needless to say, the run will forever be remembered.  One that is so sweet in speed, but bitter in experience.  A run that made me think about why we are living in California, a state I love so much, but am so disappointed in with the government and where spending limits it's officials.  So I write in hopes others are outraged too. I write in sharing my sadness that a life was lost while others looked on thinking he was ok, and in hoping it is a situation that will never be repeated for the rest of my daughters' lifetime. Once an island girl, always an island girl. But this was one day I wish I grew up on a different island....



** To read the story about the drowning, please read here & here

Living to JUST GO FOR IT!!

Part of being home and embarking on life post almost losing your child is you realize you have to just GO FOR IT!  You really do; no questions, no hesitations, but to just live life fully and try everything.  We have always encouraged our daughters to do that, and while it is nerve-wracking at times, it is also freeing to know that we all genuinely hold the potential to do any and everything.  When you don't over think and do, your life feels 10 pounds lighter. 

This past week, I have just DONE. I took some risks, had so much fun and packed a lot of new adventures into one week.  You know what.... it felt great!  It felt liberating! I was LAUGHING a lot with every new adventure. One of the biggest ones was entering a contest to become the new Real Model Cover Model for Fitness Magazine.  I entered last Friday night, February 18th, not knowing what I was getting into. I was nervous to press send on my photo and essay, but I figured what do I have to lose! Why not, life is to short, right? We know that so very well with our miracle daughters, so I thought I should just do it.  I am not 5'10 and big chested, but 5'1 with a small chest, strong legs and can run for miles.  I was nervous about putting a swimsuit photo up with the girls, because it's not a women flexing in a bikini with make up like the others, but it is REAL and me! 

Now I am in the Top 10 in the Country and have been all week! Currently I am #6 and in 36 hours we find out who wins.  Friends and family have been very supportive and sharing the link and my story with everyone.  At first I was uncomfortable saying what I did, and then I stepped back and thought who the heck cares!  Let's see what happens and I will tell all my family and friends to VOTE!!

So please take a minute to vote- it is very fast.  10 seconds at most!  You vote, submit, answer the question, submit the vote, and share the link. Press like on the FB button, and voila vote is done!

VOTE HERE- THE LINK-  
 

Makenzie and Emerson are getting excited and while Jack doesn't like the voting process (the technical element) he is supportive too.  From something on a whim, is now something of a chance and means a lot.  

Why I decided to do this some friends have asked--- The story
I have never been one to not try something because of nerves, hence jumping off high rocks in Waimea Bay in Hawaii, or the high dive at age 5 giving my Mom a heart attack.  But I do have natural hesitations and nerves that pop through.  While I know it is normal, I also know that they need to be thrown out the window because each moment is a new opportunity to live fuller and more vibrantly. 

When in Portland, I did tv segments with Better TV.  I loved it and had fun, and while there were natural body image concerns with being on tv, I felt confident that I was a real Mom and Trainer who didn't have a boob job and had strong legs.  It was fun to do TV, and I had met with producers about potentially making some Fitness DVD's.  But it came to financing, and then some of my nerves got the best of me. When pregnant with Emerson, I thought I would get right back to that goal after she was born. I had connections, my mom-students in Baby Boot Camp and Power Outdoor Fitness asking me to make them, and was comfortable with a microphone.  But...I got pneumonia when 6 weeks postnatal, Emerson got pneumonia-pertusis-RSV at 7 weeks old, and my Dad was with an unexpected heart condition.

I had the rug pulled from under me and suddenly I didn't have any energy left to focus on my own goals of television or growing my fitness business personality.  I tried to juggle Emerson's needs, 4 year old Makenzie, and owning two fitness businesses while being a full time Mom.  Anxiousness set in and my juggling wasn't working. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, it's what I helped train women to prevent in Baby Boot Camp.  Yet I couldn't fight nature and had to face it. I did, through exercise, therapy and hard work.  I decided to sell one of my businesses and cut back on work.

One year later, Fall of 2009, I was ready again to make my mark!  I sold my Baby Boot Camp business, owned Power Outdoor Fitness and Power Fitness PDX, and was trying to garner my schedule to work best with the girls.  Makenzie was in Kindergarten, Emerson was having fun, I was trying to be at peace ...but with the economy Jack's job wasn't going well as a Recruiter and he got laid off without severance or benefits.  I thought, "Oh no, wait, how could this be we were at a great place!".  Yet again, rug pulled out, I jumped over the dust bunnies that remained and made sure to start over again full force in a new city and new state.  So after no jobs in the Portland area, we moved to California in the New Year. The seed to just GO FOR IT was still planted away, and I knew my time would come to have fun on camera in the Bay Area.  I needed to get settled first in life. To find a house, have the girls comfortable and meeting people, support Jack in his new job, start my business again, and attempt to feel situated in our new, but my old, city.  Yet, I knew it would work! I did, I knew I could gradually get there again to put myself out there for maybe local fitness pieces, etc. Come Summer, we were there! Life was grand, we were flourishing as a whole and I was ready to focus on my business goals.

Then BOOM, like a mac truck we were hit the blow of Makenzie getting so sick and almost dying. The doctors had no idea what was going on, and within hours of being in the hospital we didn't know if Makenzie would make it, what was going on with her, why or how long it would be.  Life stopped and while others were moving on in the world outside Children's Hospital and UCSF experiencing Fall and Winter, we were going day -to -day trying to cope and live.  I dropped everything to be there for Makenzie and make sure to be her Mom, nurse, friend, supporter, advocate, and nurturer.  I also tried to nurture Emerson and Jack in the same.  And...we did it!  We all survived and made it through. Not unscarred mentally and Makenzie physically, but we did it and learned so much about the human spirit, community, blessings and the true will to live fully!!!

We have been on a gradual climb back to normalcy and back to feeling good!!!  Makenzie is settled in school again, doing incredible (Read her latest Caring Bridge Update), and getting stronger each day!  Emerson is LOVING preschool in Tiny Tots, flourishing in being 3 with ALL of us at home.  Jack has been able to submerge himself to his job and likes his new company more than he realized. He is even starting a new 5013c!  So...as I am maintaining my sense of balance in juggling all of this, trying to digest everything, I realized it is my time to just GO FOR IT AGAIN! 

Thus, I entered the contest which for me took some courage, but it was so very freeing and exciting!  I didn't even think at first of the potential opportunities that can evolve from this for my family, my business and personal goals, other women to be exposed to some of my own experiences that may give a sense of guidance and hope, and a real means to overcome and do the Fitness DVD. 

In one week, I entered the Fitness Magazine Cover Model contest (eek!), did a pole dancing class with my dear college bestie Bo, played with our loving dear friends Erin & Dylan, went to the PRINCE concert college Bestie Erika, did open gym gymnastics class last night with the Power Fitness PDX ladies, and today subbed Baby Boot Camp Oakland. How much I have missed just playing and having fun with my girlfriends too!!! It has been a week of balancing, while taking care of me too and making my own goals of FUN with FRIENDS and living fully happen!  My Power Fitness PDX goals are getting accomplished too faster than I thought with relaunching in January. Had an incredible meeting with Lucy on Tuesday, which had me leave smiling.  I worked with them in Portland, and now, a new working relationship that is mutually beneficial.   It is incredible and while my families life is getting balance, my own life is getting some balance too!  It is dynamic and fun and while I am waiting for a little rug to potentially be pulled from under us again, I'll just keep GOING FOR IT like my daughters have taught me.

Christmas Eve

** Emerson and Makenzie doing the Happy Dance in front of UCSF - 12.23.10 **

We are really home, Christmas Eve!! We had Makenzie's ultrasound today and got the best news that her pseudocyst is getting smaller! The nerves riding on this ultrasound brought my stomach to knots every day, Jack calling every bit to hear results, and Makenzie nervously talking a mile a minute to the ultrasound tech about everything ranging from her scars to Santa. When we hopped out of the car leaving Emerson with my sister, Auntie BB, Emerson started screaming since she was scared we were staying in the hospital again. All of us were waiting for the moment to hear the pseudocyst was smaller...and it came at 3:57 pm. While we knew we would deal accordingly if it had grown or stayed stagnant equating a visit to stay at UCSF for Christmas, we are so very grateful to have been given the gift of time together at home.

Some people think that when you get to go home, you are "HOME" and able to just move on to life as it was. But 3 months have passed, and we have a new life that has shifted in so many ways we can't describe. We are all forever changed....forever knowing that life is more precious and the biggest events can happen instantaneously. I will take all those ways though because I sit here in my favorite red chair, drinking mint tea and looking at our Christmas Tree with twinkle lights in our living room I know my two little beautiful babies are asleep upstairs in their own beds. We are lucky and while for whatever reason Makenzie was picked to endure an ultramarathon of medical challenges, we are all stronger and more deeply alive than ever before.

Little stressers of the holidays are just that, little! The big stressers are the kids unable to go home from UCSF for the holidays if ever. But also to me, the big stressers are people who never understand how precious life truly is and cherish the moments of sleeping cherub sweeties, mint tea and twinkle lights in a small house. They complain about what is not happening instead of relishing the life that is happening. One thing I am more sure than ever before is we can't control life, but can control how we appreciate and enjoy it.

Embrace every moment making silly messes in the kitchen with your family, being up with a sleeping baby who is in his/her own crib, sitting at a dinner table with disagreeing family members who make you laugh inside knowing why disagree when you know you won't see eye to eye ever but love each other...and linger longer in every twinkle light moment than you thought possible.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Let the love of each other fill you up as my family has filled me up. With peace, love, and eternal gratitude - Erin Kreitz Shirey

Gift

Makenzie is home from the hospital- sigh, relief, fear, nerves, loves, hugs, joy and again...fear. I can't help but want her to feel free as a bird after being cooped up for the past few months, yet at the same time I want her to be in our little cage of a house so I know she is safe and won't get sick or hurt. Part of the joy in being home is we can gradually have Makenzie doing things when the busy times with the kids aren't happening. The swings in the morning, hot cocoa at 1:00pm, or a run down the beach in the middle of the morning with me pushing her while she's reading her book. That is what we settled on today, and it was bliss.

To say Makenzie has matured since September 22nd would be an understatement. To say we have all matured since 9-22-10 is a fact that I almost don't want to deal with. I don't like to think of the medical ordeals Makenzie has gone through, the little sweet voice of Emerson asking if she can visit Makenzie or "Is Makenzie still in ICU? Can I visit her when she is out of ICU?" repeatedly, the nerve filled conversations talking about the big issues parents never want to discuss with Jack, or the basic stressors of what is for dinner for the parent who was home when the grocery store was the last item on the daily agenda. But those gray hairs and wrinkles we've occurred are nothing in comparison to the knowledge and skills Makenzie has developed. She is an expert with putting in IV's and will tell you all about it. She is skilled in knowing when she is being distracted from a procedure that will hurt by the luring of a DVD or coloring book. She is aware if the tests done and how her body responds to them.

But Makenzie is also more at peace with being IN the moment than she was before. She is 6.5 years old but has seen life's changed and altered within a moment of a doctor entering the room. Thus, she is able to be at peace with what event and activities we do. That is a gift I wish ALL people had. I don't wish upon anyone the ordeal that has happened to my sweet daughter, but I do wish ALL people had the ability to truly be present and open to what activities are going on. AS the hours of 2010 are dwindling by, how often have you been present and aware of the life around you? Hopefully A LOT, and if not, it is a gift to open up and embrace in 2011. It is a gift I hope Makenzie can share with all people she meets, and for the rest of her life. It is a gift she had me open up again, and this time, I promise to embrace each moment tighter than before.