Spasms

Yes, I am a spaz in many ways, as we all are. I love to laugh until my tummy hurts, to share lame jokes, to watch silly movies with lovey dovey plots that are predictable and to make the biggest splashes in the pool with my kids.  But what I don't like....when my back is a SPAZ!

This week my body decided to let me know I needed to step back.  I am sure it has happened to all of you at some point.  This year has been full, the past 6 weeks are no exception.  A road trip with the girls to Portland solo parenting, Hood to Coast, jumping back to school year and nightly meetings, Makenzie's first full year at Otis school (we hope), added on more boot camp classes, more Personal Training Clients, Pacific Grove Tri, sprained wrist from bike fall, Jack working late, Georgia trip and on and on.  It sounds like many of your September's I assume...you want to do it all and be proficient with everything you do.  And then I put a goal on myself to do a big challenge in September...what was I thinking at the time was it was a perfect challenge.  At the end of the month I accomplished many of the tasks, but still had more to do and felt I didn't keep up to my own goals. Do you ever feel like that? 

Then last week some wild stress hit. I thought I could heal it all with my norm of spinning, running, swimming, training, and laughing.  I tried to muscle through, but my back wouldn't have it.  Sunday in a 3000 yard swim workout, my back started to seize up.  No No NO I thought. It can't happen now, swimming is my safe sport and my oasis of peace.  Maybe I was being played on by the higher power, another lesson to be learned since for some reason it seems I am one to keep "learning".  I thought, Embrace the challenge Erin, embrace your back and do mermaid swimming for a bit. I did, felt better, and then had to curl into a ball.

It's ok, I can get stretch and work through this, right?  I set up Monday - Wednesday by the minute; Jack and the girls flew early to Georgia and I wasn't leaving until today, Wednesday, to get a lot of work done.  Then Monday hit...I had an awesome spin class, worked out after and planned on lifting that night.  Stress starting getting to my gut and my stomach started to hurt a bit. "Come on Erin, muscle through", said my inner voice. Watched a lame movie in the quiet house, tackled some of my to do and that night, my back started to spasm and the pain continued. NO, this was not in my plan for my time to work kidless. I had things to do and taking care of my back was not one of them. Tuesday, my back was not great at all and the day that was to be full of tons of training, clients and work ended up with Orthopedic MD for knee update(planned), 1. 5 hours at the Chiropractor for my back (not planned), hour massage for back(not planned), haircut (yeah planned!) and light spin which for me felt great on my back. While I had wanted to push it and get 100 things done, even with a lot of my to-do's that I was able to accomplish, my body said to hold on and breath. Just breath and breath again. 


Today I woke up a new person.  After a night of ice and breathing it all in.  
 
Why ... because I took time to meditate last night and just step back... physically and literally.  

Relish the time to be alone and know that the "to-do" list will always be there.

It is easy to keep going and taking care of everyone, everything and think that you are taking care of your own needs while nursing all around you.  But are you really?  Are you taking moments to just "be" and not worry about feeling productive?  

I know for me that is a hot topic. I have a tough time not mutlitasking, especially as I still feel I have tons of catching up to do. I cram every minute on MWF when I work/teach train clients all day and have our wonderful nanny, Hannah, watch the girls after school.  I am slammed with to-do items. Mind you I love that I ride my bike from appointment to appointment, but even if I do that and feel rushed, am I really enjoying the ride along the way?  But on Tuesday and Thursday, after I teach first thing in the morning, I am off playing with Emerson and being "Mom". I thought that was enough to keep my own life stress in check, but I realized I have not been so honest with myself.  While we step back on those days, I am still riding to soccer class, to gymnastics class, Brownies, learning the Art Docent program and taking care of our home.  I love all of this, but I think sitting back and reading a good book or a trashy magazine needs to fall in to my to-do's ... and not be done while I am on the elliptical trainer at the gym, but in my favorite red chair in the family room.

The spasms set me back, but also set me forward.  It was an eye-opener for me to really set back and breath.  I realized I need to nourish my own soul as I am helping everyone else, and doing nothing sometimes is the best thing to do. Period. 

In December I will have time to focus on doing nothing. It looks like I'll be having double knee surgery then, but it will progress me forward as an athlete and as a trainer.  That challenge, interestingly enough, seems just like that.  It will be a gift to move forward as I got the initial answer on Tuesday regarding what would happen.  More to come on that later, but last night I thought about how maybe the spasms were helping me prep for sitting back and letting my own body heal post surgery. I can't control everything, so to just go with it and breath along the way is a lesson in itself.

What do you do to breath? What do you do to wind down and listen to your body?  Have you have moments of spasms too? If so, what made you breath better?

So I sign off with breathing. Taking one moment at a time and stepping back to just breath, read some silly books, and own up to doing to much for a bit and needing to take care of myself.  It may be selfish, but it may also be the best gift I give back to everyone around whom I adore.

Much love to you and make sure to breath.....

100 days

Tomorrow marks the last 100 days of 2011.  For some reason, this resonates with me this year.  At first when realizing that I had my business/trainer hat on and thought of 100 days of 100 push/ups day or 100 exercise challenge each day. But this is a different year. 

Maybe because I just realized that last year on the 100th day till 2011, our lives were forever changed.  We began living a journey full of medical terms, ICU's, being stretched so thin, hearts so full yet so broken, and trying to squeeze every ounce of hope and faith each day had to offer.  Last year at this time I was in Portland, Oregon, visiting girlfriends and at a business conference for The Power MOB. While laughing and having fun, it was a rare time I was away from my family by myself.  Wednesday, September 22nd, Makenzie got ready for school and threw up in the bushes in front of Mom and Dad's house. On day 99, I rushed her to the ER. That began our wild ride...on the 100th day to the end of 2010. 

This year will be DIFFERENT!  After I finish writing, I am going to come up with a list with Makenzie, Emerson and Jack for what our family can do for the last 100 days.  For us, these 100 days signal that we made it. We have had the odds against us as a family.  Last year, many shared with concern that hospitalized kids, job loss, and relocation alone are cause for families to break up.  We experienced all of those in 9 months time. And now, come 101 days from this moment, we will have survived the post year mark with love and understanding.  That, to me, is HUGE!  It has been a journey I don't wish to repeat, but am forever fortunate and grateful for. The 4 of us learned how strong our family unit is in a much deeper level than I thought possible...because of it. 

100 days means: 
100 days to say I love you to my family
100 chances to do something great for someone
100 days to embrace all the emotions of the past year
100 days to allow myself to grieve the "normal" time I did lose last year with my kids, and fully appreciate the last 100 days I have with them right now to play all day long
100 days means 100 x to try new exercises
100 days to write 100 letters to friends & family
100 days to run at least 3 miles/day  
100 days to enjoy each sunrise and sunset
100 days to call friends and family to hear their voices
100 days to send Jack love letters at work
100 days to dance out loud, laugh hard with deep belly laughs, and have pillow and water fights with my family
100 days to laugh with my girls as we do the running man like nobody's business
100 days to appreciate all that is around and take it in....truly take and embrace all the joy, challenge, love, emotion, differences, peacefulness, and precious moments that life gives us

What are you going to do for your 100 days?

Cheers to the last 100 days of 2011!  Muah! Stoller Vineyards, Oregon 8.28.11

Porta Potty Pacific Grove

My number 824 - 9.10.11

The Olympic Distance  Triathlon at Pacific Grove on Saturday, September 10th, was my first Olympic Distance Triathlon since I was 23.  Yep, 12 years from the last time I did the distance of 1.5 K( .93 mile) swim, 40K (24.8 mile) bike and 10K (6.2 mile) run. To say I was nervous the week before was an understatement.  I always get butterflies before racing, but I had full blown nerves for the week leading to the race.  My bike decided to have issues 10 days before and the back tire fell off.  My wetsuit is sleeveless and a bit dated. What to do!?  ACCEPT- that's what! Accept what happens "happens" and have fun is all I could think.

The arch to the swim

I feel grateful as I "did" and got my equipment together the week before. I had the bike from Gene at Alameda Bicycles, borrowed a long sleeve new wetsuit from Meredith (my dear friend and training partner), and got some new, wider lens goggles at Sport's Basement on... Thursday! I got one swim in them to at least figure out if they worked well with my face and phew, they did.  The girls were set to hang with my parents before Jack got back from work so I could drive to Pacific Grove on Friday, and they were joining on Saturday to cheer me on.  I think the drive down by myself was one of the best things...I got to think. Or maybe it wasn't a good thing...ha ha I tease.  Truly though, I was thinking while driving about; transitions, the swim AKA The Kelp Crawl, biking on a new bike, and how the laps work with the run.  Visualization is key, especially if you are me. I need to visualize to focus and feel I can take on any event.  And the word that continued to pop through it accept.   

Accept the race for what it is. Have fun with the race. 

Accept that I can't control conditions, accept that a good attitude gets me(you) through anything. 

Accept that the training is done and what will be will be.  

Accept there will be someone faster and be someone slower, but push your limits ...and have fun.  

All the words I say to my kids are what I continued to repeat to myself, like any parent.  How often do you do that...repeat to yourself what you would easily say to your loved ones, but have to repeat it to yourself 3x as many to have the words "stick". I know I am not the only one, and yes being Type A does affect in wanting to do everything well, but I also feel it gives me a focus and discipline too. 

I got to Pacific Grove and checked in to the race. I forgot how gorgeous Pacific Grove is and how chilly it can be! The fog was starting to roll in, and the water looked very cold. But it also looked manageable for an open water swim. Oh yeah, I didn't mention I have never raced in an Olympic Distance ocean swim before. Nope, never, but I LOVE swimming and grew up a mermaid.  Even being a mermaid shifts when a is mermaid in cold, wave filled water, swimming with hundreds of others in the same direction, like salmon swimming upstream.  "Accept, Erin, Accept".  I LOVE swimming, especially in warm ocean water like Kauai, and will LOVE doing the swim in a wetsuit.  If you repeat it enough you do believe it, right? 

Thank you Alameda Bicycles!

After checking in, I got to visit with my Uncle Kevin and his girlfriend, Jeannie. They are both wonderful and incredible cyclists. I did the Death Ride with Kevin when I was 22 and have always loved talking races with him.  Jeannie is actually a retired Ironman Triathlete and quite the accomplished Tri-gal pre knee surgery.  We enjoyed dinner and got to talk the nerves out. Kevin and Jeannie shared the course logistics and also the "shark logistics". My darn Uncle decided to tease me about the sharks the night before a race...following up with "Don't worry, you're small meat for them anyway so you're not a good meal". Lovely visuals as I thought of myself looking like a seal in a wetsuit, swimming with a pack of triathletes, and a shark looking at me than turning away since I am not big enough. Once a fun uncle, always a fun uncle.  I slept on their couch and get this...it was some of the best sleep I have had in the past 7 years!  The past 9 months since we've been back from the hospital I have been up with kids a lot through the night and on Friday night, I got to say good night to them over the phone and konk out fast.  But wait, wake up was at 5:45 am.  Not to bad for this early riser, and I had already been up visualizing how I would race when the alarm went off. 

Incredible Uncle Kevin chillin' at 7 am

Kevin brought me down to the start, I racked my bike and got situated. Upon getting settled and body marked, I found out my wave didn't start until 9:15 am, so I had 3 hours until my race start.  Looking around at all the fancy bikes and equipment I repeated Meredith's comment in my head:
"Gear is only 10% of the triathlete. Physical condition and mental state is the other."  
Good and bad with all the bonus time- go figure- but 9:15 was my start time and I had to run with it.  The water looked cold, the fog was over the bay, and the nerves and excitement were flowing amongst everyone.  I got body marked, had to age up  (dude I am 35 not 36 yet!), jogged along the beach path, and chilled.  We sang the National Anthem, paid respect to 9.11.01, bang went the gun and I got to see the men start! After the men was the wave of veteran athletes who always humble me. I am blown away by their determination and focus.  After the 2nd wave, there was another wave every 15 minutes. While watching the men in the water, you can see the kelp looking to break up.  A channel between the kelp looked to form, or did it? I would soon find out. 

First wave started! 7:30am 9.10.11

I Body Glided and wetsuited up at 8:45 am, looked around for Jack and the girls but couldn't find them. I heard my uncle and Jeannie yelling my nickname,"Burfel".  Knowing they were there, even at the age of 35, was a reassurance that it was all good. I lined up right under the arch at 9:12 am, ready for my take off. 13 years ago I would have held back a bit, but not now. I feel more confident being up in front and taking on my space...but it wasn't quite my space. The kelp hit us quick, as did the 57 degree water.  Kick Kick, knee, fist, punch, slap, pull all popped through  my mind as the sounds of the swim.  I felt good but got a few gulps of salt water, ugh. I kicked harder to get some space and turning around the 1st buoy I got some. Then a gal about one foot taller than me started swimming alongside me to where she seemed to be fighting me for water space...in the ocean! Continued on, buoy two approached fast and swimming back to the beach there was a kelp channel. I developed a pattern of pulling the kelp behind me with each stroke. I tried to use the kelp as if I was pulling myself up a wall, or slithering for up down relays in the boot camp drills I teach.  Fellow 35-39 swimmers started to thin out, people were tiring a bit, but I kept going. My arms weren't tired yet and I felt good. Boom, at the beach, popped out to run around the marker for lap 2...at the same time of the next wave of swimmers! Dang, another big group to swim with but in Lap 2 I knew what to expect kelp wise and stayed to the left of the group.  I pulled forward and got to the first buoy.  I looked to my left to the girl kicking water in my face and gained speed on her.  We were side by side and I noticed she was in the same wave as me. I peaked out of the water and saw just a handful of light blue caps, my wave's caps. Yeah, it meant I was in the front of the pack and this girl knew it too. She decided to swim tight on my left, literally face to face each breath as we pulled forward through the kelp.  To say it was "fun" is not how I would describe that portion of the swim. There was my inner athlete who decided to kick hard to get out of the water before her... so I did. I blasted my legs, got to the sand and ran out...or attempted to. My toes were frozen! 

Running up the ramp was a rush. Kevin and Jeannie were in the front, cheered and snapped a photo as I was pulling at my wetsuit. Mental mantra, "Fast transitions Erin, fast transitions".  Slipped down my wetsuit, slapped on my shoes over incredibly numb toes and ran to the start of the bike. Whew, one leg down and two more to go. I was feeling good, invigorated, and like ME again! The rush was there! 

Pass, pass, pass on the bike. I started to fly by people.  The natural coach, trainer and cheerleader in me couldn't help but support everyone when passing to encourage them.  Tight turns on Lap 1, but 1 lap was done.  Onto Lap 2, already playing "cat & mouse" with a few cyclists, looking at their calves the entire time for their age.  Saw a few more in my age group the second lap and had my eye on a few in front.  Hmmm....I think I could be in a good spot but didn't know since the bike portion was 4 laps.  Lap 2, eeek, I felt my bladder and that I had to go pee.  I really had to go pee and kept peddling fast. I met a woman and rode with her for a bit named Joanne. We laughed about having to go pee and our kids that changed our bladders...in college I would pop the seal and keep going but I couldn't do it as easily now.  I tried but my mind was worried about the person behind me and feeling I'd have to offer him/her some disinfectant towels.  Triathletes do it all the time, I used to, but I couldn't really let go and "go".  Yes, triathletes pee on their bikes when riding.  If they are in it to win it, you gotta pee while on the bike or in the water.  Lap 3, still flying, feeling good, but gotta PEE! Break the seal a bit, can't do it, keep peddling.  Lap 4 slam through it with legs feeling strong and blast to transition. Put on my running shoes, waist belt and hat admiring the porta potties. The green oasis of comfort...but gotta run. I head out to start my run to Jack running along side me. Smiling from ear to ear seeing him and the girls, hearing them cheering I yell to Jack " Having so much fun but I gotta go pee!!!".  The runner in front of me started laughing out loud.  I think I can run through it, I am an athlete, I have raced the majority of my life now, but I also had 2 beautiful babies who shifted some things. I do try to defy the odds but some things Mother Nature decides. 

Jack caught me starting my run leg...

3 laps to run.  3 looooong laps if I don't stop at a porta potty. Yes there were the tri-monkey's on my legs, yes my glutes were tight, yes my toes were still frozen from the swim, but I couldn't feel any of that since I was focusing on finding a porta potty. I start passing people and a beacon of green is in front of me, I check it- locked! Seriously, who is playing a joke on me.  I continue running, passing some people who were most likely on their 2nd or 3rd laps.  I decided I had to stop at the next Porta Potty and just pee fast. It would only be a few seconds, I can go fast and then I would be able to run faster  Yeah, I found it at the turn around and 24 seconds later was back on the run but this time feeling much lighter. I can't tell you how great I felt now, I took everything in.  The sun was shining, the Pacific ocean looked incredible, the energy powerful and I felt strong. I finished lap 1, saw the girls, Jack, Kevin and Jeannie to all of them cheering. Heart was happy and filled, Jack gave me the solid "Erin, you got this", and I could feel my athlete self pulling through. My time looked like my last PR could be broken. "OK Erin", I think, 's "try to pull 7:10's and you can average out the first two slow porta potty miles."  Lap 3 came, I picked it up, knew what to expect and kept passing people. It felt good, I felt good, the race felt good.  The last two corners were in sight and my legs started getting my last bit of energy surging through them.  

I kicked it up, what I have been known for, am still smiling ear to ear and push it.  The shute is in front of me and I ran through it looking at my watch with big eyes. The announcer says my name as I crossed the finish line and I was full of excitement! My family rushed up and the hugs were incredible. Emerson was screaming "Mommy you did it. You won!" not knowing that I didn't win the entire race, but knowing I won to her was great fun.  I haven't felt this good about an athletic event for a while, even at See Jane Run when placing 1st or 2nd in the 5k the past two years or doing the 2 sprint triathlons. I was "back".  My Erin, Tri-Girl, self was back in action. I beat my PR from age 23, when I was a National Qualifier, by 8.5 minutes!! My time by the clock was 2:43:55.

Incredible Jack- best better half!

We chilled out and the girls were beyond cute. Makenzie said she wants to do a triathlon with me, Emerson said she wants to run fast, and Jack said he was so proud.  It felt sureal since Jack never knew me when I raced at Cal Poly and he got to see a different side again of me with racing Olympic Distances. Jeannie and Kevin were beyond great and excited to be there. To have that moment of finishing feeling so good was something I want to hold onto. I never felt I could have pushed faster, I just wished I didn't have to go pee but accepted that my body was my body.  A body I have trained hard through teaching a lot over Summer and has the ability to push faster now than when I was in college.  My racing was more efficient and not only that, the entire race was so much fun and enjoyable! 

Future Triathletes & the best cheerleaders

As we were about to pick everything up from my station, we checked results.  I placed 3rd in my age group!  It didn't have my splits but I placed third and the awards were at 3 pm. Rock on- my mantra is "If I don't place I didn't race", but I was nervous about that phrase this race. I was worried that maybe being on a new bike, using the unknown wetsuit, having had August be a decent training month but one full of travel and great food and wine, could have shifted my racing.  Makenzie was beyond excited too, telling the women next to her "My Mom just came in 3rd at 35!". I felt lucky and so proud. 

Back at Kevin's everyone was sharing how great the race was, the girls all excited to race in their futures.  Jeannie, Kevin and Jack said they want to do a relay team next year and race against me time vs. time. The time with Kevin and Jeannie was special too, rarely do I get time just with my uncle or solely my family with my uncle. Often we are all in big gatherings of our big family and this was memorable time together.  

Emerson excited with my 2nd place finish

The four of us Shireys' headed back to the awards at Lover's Point. Girls and I played in the sand and then all of us glued to the awards.  The elite athletes fab to watch! Future Olympians in front of us. Aged 22-39. These athletes inspire me living a great tri-life and having fun.  A few of the women are in their late 30's and have little ones.  To say I was inspired is an understatement...the same as my girls.  Then it came to the age group awards. Makenzie couldn't wait, she wanted to walk up with me. I wish I had her come, but had never done a podium award for a tri in a bigger tri before. Small tri's sure, but not a Tri California event, and didn't know if it was appropriate. 3rd place name said, not me. Hmmm, I thought. Maybe there was a mix up and I didn't place...and it was I placed 2nd place in my age group and was the 12th female overall in the whole Triathlon.  Then the 1st place winner was announced... with a time just 15 seconds faster than mine.  Darn porta potty, but so worth those 15 seconds! I was waiting for the other women to join the podium, but I was the only one there. I was standing by myself on the block for the 35-39 awards and looked at my kids and Jack.  The real athletes who inspired me to do longer tri's again are Makenzie and Emerson...at that moment I fully wished I had them come up with me. Smiled for the photographer, teased by the announcer and pro-triathlete Julie Moss that I was so clean with fancy hair (Normally ponytail clad me laughed since Jeannie told me to blowdry it post shower since I was still so cold still from the darn ocean), and ran back to my family.  Makenzie asked for the award and I put it around her neck...I think she was as excited as I was.

Future Triathletes- Incredible Daughters-Loves of my life

After the awards we celebrated. We had a great time and I accepted that with any race what will be will be.  I look forward to the next race with more time on what will be my "bike" and having more sleep the weeks before. I am ready to train even harder and get back on a Tri-Team again.  Training has to be respected, but also respecting your body and where it is in life is powerful. Believing in yourself and what you can do physically is beyond powerful.  Carry that power with you for everything you do.  Look at what your body is capable of, challenge it, and believe in it.  Back to the word accept. Accept that anything is possible when you put yourself out there to believe....

** Link to finish on youtube

Day 4 of Aloha Challenge

I have decided to do a fun Challenge this month. Why - just because I want to feel the ease of Hawaii, yet the inner physical and mental challenges I know I can accomplish.  I wrote a blog about it on one of my business websites PowerofyouFitness.blogspot.com 

So far, I have been doing good!  It is interesting because when running on Friday I was a bit anxious, but also not letting the stress truly bother me like I have in similar situations months before.  I was training earlier on my road bike in a great zone and pace... and my back tire fell off.  Grrr...I checked the chain rings, the gears and the bike trailer attachment. Then a nice guy, John, rode up on his electric bike. He looked straight out of Portlandia- boombox attached to his bike playing some Grateful Dead, long gray beard, and uber chill voice.  He got down to help me, was generously kind and as I rode off with a working bike again he yelled, "Keep the biking real Erin!".  We bonded and I wouldn't have met him if my bike didn't breakdown.  I rode my bike to Lucy where I teach a 12:15 boot camp, switched training gears and got a 5 mile run in before I taught class. As I attempted to push my legs I couldn't. "Come on now Erin, you can go faster" I repeated to myself.  A bit of anxiousness started a bit wanting to make sure I got a quality run in.  Then I decided to just roll with where my body wants to be right now.  And I did and gradually loosened up to push it on my returning 2 miles.

While I was running thought, "What do I do?! I have Pacific Grove Tri on September 10th and need a working bike".  Hmmm.....joys of wonderful Alameda Businesses I called Gene of Alameda Bicycles when I got back. Played phone tag and he ended up leaving a message that I could rent his wife's bike for a few weeks and could pick it up over the weekend! Sweet- this can work out and I can still race!  On Sunday I picked up the bike, it fits great and is a smooth ride....no stress, nice components and I am ready to push it on the bike.  Plus I get to see what I really want to get on my new bike that I am ordering next month by riding vs. just looking through in the catalog. So cool!

Anxiousness and being able to step back and just "breath" is part of my Challenge.  I realized that a reason for this is my own focus on taking advantage of every minute of time.  We lost a lot of "time" last Fall with Makenzie and Emerson. Time for them to feel "normal" (whatever that is!), time together as a family, time for me as a business person and athlete, and time to just be stress free.  While I know we can never make up that time, some days I feel if I haven't gotten 1:1 quality time with my daughters and Jack, all of my to-do's done and tackled all my goals, I haven't used my time well. Is that right to feel that pressure- nope! Is that fair- not really to myself.  But when I realized the significance it made sense.  Being aware of when time flies and things don't get done, it doesn't mean the time is wasted and that's ok. If it is a task that can be done tomorrow, the day isn't ruined or a bust.  Be realistic with goals and checking things off. 

When doing this Challenge, it is for me to make me feel good about how I use my own time, not as if I am lacking focus. Does that make sense? I feel like I am pretty good about using time and aware of living in the moment yet I also have high expectations for myself.  I am sure you have felt that at times too, and maybe it's more relevant to us since we've experienced moments when time has stood still and you are scared for it to move forward. Who knows! But I know that the Aloha feeling, the feeling of chillaxin' like the Grateful Dead when my bike broke down, combined with the feeling of physically pushing my athletic limits is what makes me feel good.

Bike that made me smile...San Francisco is "under" the shifter ;)

Right now, Jack has the girls on an adventure at the Zoo, I finished some work goals for the day and now am about to ride on (thanks to Gene).  I am using time in the best way and relishing the bumps along the road...literally and emotionally.

Cuddling Monkey

Emerson is my sweet cuddly Monkey.  She holds on so tight when going to bed and makes you feel beyond special.  Each night Emerson wants to read 3 books and will not fall asleep unless someone, most often me, is laying beside her cuddling tight. She puts both arms around my neck, pulls my head to her chest and breaths in about 10 breaths. By that point, she is in dreamland.

Sometimes it can be hard at night when thinking of what I have to get done to prep for the next morning timewise, but the nights I don't lay with E I end up regretting it.  We have said over time we will get her sleeping on her own again, but we haven't done it yet.  Maybe it is guilt from missing so many nights last Fall with E at home when Bug was at UCSF? Or maybe it is Jack and I know time is passing so fast and we don't want to lose any of these moments being "requested to snuggle" by our kids? 

Whatever it is, I know I cherish the words and sweet touches shared between us. I love feeling her little hands pull me tight for a hug; knowing that the hug is what calms her and brings her a nightly bit of peace for sweet dreams.  The snuggles are not only a means for her to feel secure, loved and safe...but for me too.

Emerson Talking loves
* I decided to record E's voice last night to have these sweet memories forever

Noodle Swimming

I can still visualize the moment I looked over and saw the sea turtle staring at me.  That turtle made me think a lot about focus and swimming through the "noodles".

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was training in Poipu, Kauai, and my body was getting limp.  I had done 100 burpees in the sand, 100 sand liners, countless push ups/squats and dive bomb push ups.  The beach was quiet at 6:30 am, it was the surfers and me.  Nobody else on the beach, the waves were nice and not to intense.  After doing sand training, I dove into the water to swim 7 lengths back and forth in the bay at the Wai 'o Hai.  I figured time wise it was equivalent to 1.3-1.5 miles and the Pacific Grove Tri is 1 mile.  Thus, perfect distance for training and for being in my happy place.  Swimming in open water is much more challenging than the pool, but incredibly powerful for the spirit. At least it is for mine.

I was born with the love of open water, started swim team at age 5 since I couldn't wait to hop whenever in my swimsuit...or without. I didn't care but for as long as I know water has been my healing place. It's where I feel strong, powerful, at one with myself and at peace.  It is different than running for me.  When swimming the methodic rhythm of moving one arm in front of the other, with only my inner thoughts to hear, eases me.  Jack learned this early on, and on days when I seem a bit stressed he encourages me to run to the Club and go for a swim, knowing that after I am bound to come home depleted like a wet noodle but with incredible inner peace.  My husband knows me to well and as often as I want to fight it, is right in regards to knowing what my body needs at times more than I do.

Thus, I dove into the water on this morning, stroke by stroke was feeling my lats and deltoids work.  My core felt strong, in addition to my hamstrings as I was kicking.  While swimming I was lucky enough to look at Parrot Fish, Angel Fish, the Hawaiian State Fish-Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, and many other fish and sea cucumbers.  During this time my mind started going to the question that seems to be on many of our dear friends and acquaintances thoughts these days.  The question of, "It has been almost one year since Makenzie got sick.  How is she doing and aren't you so happy it is all behind you?".  What they don't realize is how loaded the question is.  While I want to jump up and down and scream, "Life is perfect and she is forever healed!!!", it is not the case.  Is it as bad as the hospital days, heck no! We are beyond blessed and grateful for the rest of our lives that we are a solid family of four.  We have both our daughters at home with us, stronger each day, and getting more and more independent than we want to admit.  But is it all behind us, not yet, and it will be a process before it is entirely, if ever.

While we came home from the hospital right before Christmas, we have fought a long battle since.  We have learned how to live together as a family of four again.  We have learned what our real schedule of life is like with a preschooler and elementary school kid.  We learned that we all cope with stress and the various medical concerns of Makenzie differently...and it is OK.  We learned that medical bills suck, and 8 months of attempting to work hard at paying them off combined with still catching up on Emerson's medical bills when she was sick combined with a few lay offs and relocation will take a while to overcome, but is our life.  Are any of these situations horrible and horrendous in our opinion - heck no!!!  Are they trying- heck yes!!! Is that a bad thing, no, but a challenging thing when people assume months at home equal easiness of day to day life again. We are all forever changed.

Thus back to swimming.  I started to get tired on the 6th out and back. While a competitive person, I began to question if I could make it to the 7th out and back. My arms felt like wet noodles and my mind was following.  I started to feel physically and emotionally spent.  I continued my freestyle towards the sandbar and looked over at a moving object.  At that very instant I saw a sea turtle look right at me.  This turtle, I'll name him Fred, looked me directly in the eye.  He started to swim towards me and I swam a bit deeper to look right at him.  Fred swam towards the rocks and then swam back towards me.  For those of you who know me, you know I love sea turtles like I love my family.  I even have a  sea turtle tattoo that my own daughters want to emulate (when they are 30 I say!), on my back and will swim with them at any chance.  This turtle got me.  I was depleted, so depleted. And he came to me at that moment just starting me down. He went out and came back, almost to make sure I was there. He was peaceful, and I swam up and down with him for a while. Fred, the turtle, was playing in his own way.  He also, without realizing it, stood for something.  That is inspiration.  The inspiration to never give up home and to always be at peace. To me, that is what I felt.

After we played for about 7-10 minutes Fred swam away and I continued on.  That little bit of Sea Turtle inspiration gave me the energy to swim the rest of the 6th out and back and finish the 7th out and back.  It also gave me the strength to allow myself to think all of my thoughts through in regards to the question "Are we OK, and it is it all behind us now?".  Yes, life has grown and moved on. But in the past 8 months, Jack and I have learned to fight and love each other on a deeper level, both healing in our own ways.  Emerson has developed night terrors crying for her sister to stay home, and not lose her pink blanket.  She has developed a fear of doctors offices and all things attached to them...even going with me to a knee MD appointment.  She thinks doctors equate her family going to the hospital. Makenzie is stronger than ever.  She is also fearful that when she shows symptoms of distress it means she will be back in UCSF in minutes. She downplays the smallest cold (with highest fever), and on the days leading to our plane trip to Kauai she had stomach issues but said they were nothing. My inner core was full of nerves but I tried to downplay it on the outside for Makenzie's sake.  I was on the phone with her medical team and she was almost admitted.  Jack has been working tons and doesn't like to talk about when Makenzie was sick, about how it has affected our life, but only when she is well. He doesn't wants to discuss the potential(most likely reality) of Type 1 Diabetes right now, nor think that anything else can happen.  We are all coping differently and growing as we move on.

That being said, we really know how to LIVE each moment now. We know not to sweat SMALL things and to have faith that things will work out. We know that money is money, and keeping up with the Joneses isn't part of who we are or want to be, even though we are in the busier Bay Area and it's easy to get caught up in that.  We again learned LIFE is the most important thing, as are the MOMENTS we have with each other.

Yes, I thought of all of that when swimming.  I know, my mind can be on overload quite a lot. But it is at these times that life gives us moments of inspiration.  And that is what the Sea Turtle, Fred, gave me.  He inspired me to keep moving on and keep moving my body. He gave me focus again on what I was to do and where my place was at the moment.

MY own life is evolving, as is yours, every moment.  Sometimes I want to hold onto the moment where I am at for fear that moving forward means potential for more questions that go unanswered.  But after swimming and feeling my inner strength, I again felt the notion to always move forward with noodle arms and all.  Even in moments of weakness, an inner deep strength will pull through and make all of us stronger in the end.

Cycling On By- 7.26.11

It is true, we look back at certain times of our lives with memories of fondness, joy, compassion, laughter, and pure delight.  I feel grateful I can look back at many times like that, especially the time when I owned/taught Baby Boot Camp in Portland. I LOVED teaching classes, felt invigorated by influencing my own child with health and fitness while helping women take care of their bodies. Baby Boot Camp was my third child, so to speak.  My business wasn't just that, and it never was meant to be, which is how it became very successful. It was a way of life; those involved incorporated the ideals of the Portland classes and dynamic into their daily lives.

2007- Teaching Plank with Makenzie

That may sound odd to think about right now, but it was a huge part of our lives in part because of the girls. I started Baby Boot Camp just before Makenzie's first birthday.  I vividly remember my first class with Makenzie bouncing along in Washington Park, singing and playing, and the excitement the Moms and their families felt after.  Jack said to me, "Erin, you found your nitch.  This is incredible and so perfect for you".  It was the first of it's kind in the Pacific Northwest and the Moms took to it; classes grew fast. Jack was right. Baby Boot Camp was my nitch...it helped me learn Portland and our family get immersed in many aspects of the the city and community. 

The classes were a blast and Makenzie, and later Emerson, knew nothing but fitness as a way of life. They knew of Moms (and Dads) being healthy with their kids. They knew that playing games can be fun in working out; sprinting when pushing a stroller is what all Moms and Dads should do.  They thought having friends play tag  in the park after class was a great way to spend a Saturday morning, or going to the Zoo to see animals while in a jogger with Mom teaching is tons of fun. I loved seeing the kids mimic their Moms by doing lunges and the bonding with my own daughters doing push ups with them.

Riding Home with Barbie riding with us

On Monday, Makenzie and I were going through photos.  She asked me if I missed teaching Baby Boot Camp, and I said I really did. I missed many things about it, and owning that business.  I missed the community, and how it was what we did as a family on weekends.  The routine of teaching with Jack on Saturday mornings, followed by Barnes & Noble story time was so sweet to start the weekend right.  The little toes kicking in front of the jogger, combined with the girls laughing with their little friends as we taught class makes me smile still.  Starting the mornings with boot campers who became some of my best friends, exercising together, was incredible.  But knowing that what I was doing as my profession, truly helped inspire the Baby Boot Campers to live healthier and more active lives, made the work hours beyond worth it.  While I was reminiscing on the aspects of Baby Boot Camp I loved, I said to Makenzie, "While I miss that part of that chapter in my life, I cherish it and love the chapter we are in now too.  Each part of our lives have their own stories and we are in a new one now that we are writing to be great!".

After talking about those special times, Makenzie asked if she could ride her bike with me to the Club. I was going to do a swim workout and run there to get more miles in, but she wanted to ride along side and read while I swam. A first for her, but why not. While I was excited, honestly I also was thinking I hope I can get a solid mile swim in since this is my training window.  I know it may sound selfish, but I had visions of a great ride there, with me being stopped each lap for a typical kiddo"Are you done yet?" question.  Yes, I did feel bad with these thoughts too because my normal Mom guilt of always wanting to be easy with my kids.

Post swim ride/run home!  New chapter...

It was after dinner, and with just the two of us it felt like we were in a new, more big kid, world. Makenzie on her two wheeler and me running alongside carrying the backpack with our swim gear.  She was steady on her bike and shared stories the entire ride, sounding so much older than I wanted to realize. We got to the pool and true to her word, Makenzie pulled a chair up at the end of my lane and started reading her book.  She knew the time on the clock to check for when it was time to pop in and swim with me. Makenzie patiently read and then hopped in and we swam, played and laughed for another 45 minutes.  We did underwater tea parties, bobbed, and relished just being mermaids together.  We watched the sunset while swimming and Makenzie said to me, "Mom, this marks a new chapter for us. Now you can train with me and I can train with you! Just us- our special time together".  Heart  = melted.

We got dressed, riding/running home in the dark.  I didn't want the night to end for the incredible conversations and time we were sharing, just us, but was excited about this marking a new tradition we will do together.  Soon she'll be comfortable to swim laps beside me too, but I don't want to rush anything as each moment of our lives marks something new. For me, to have her mature, patient and eager to "train with me" gave me another sense that our chapter before helped shape who she is now.  Seeing me always determined to be strong and active, leading my clients along the way, gave her a strength and confidence she carries with her.  I look forward to the next memories to be created during our training sessions.  Again, my little workout partner is leading my way, writing her own story with fine detail.  

Sweet Nora- July 2011

*** Fun addition- Anne, the first instructor I hired for Baby Boot Camp, who became a dear friend didn't have kids for her first few years of teaching. She now has two gorgeous daughters.  Her youngest, Nora, is a baby and when we got home from our bike ride, I opened my email to find a picture of Nora in a Ride Alameda Tricycle onesie we sent her.  The active Mama book continuing being written...