bucket of pixie dust

A friend was complaining about her husband snoring loudly. She was going on and on about how she would escape to sleep in her guest room some nights, but that she was happy he was going to get the breathe patches so she can sleep. I was listening, thinking damn I am so envious you can escape to the guest room to sleep! That sounds so awesome to sleep in a peaceful quiet room, knowing your husband is safe and sleeping (although I know loudly) in the other room in your own house. It sounds like a little slice of sleep Heaven to this Mama whose sleep tank is empty and runs on a few hours of sleep each night. That is how jaded with sleep you get when living at the hospital for a long time.

I am so very grateful Makenzie has become a sound sleeper with being in the hospital. At Children's Hosptial she had 10 days of ICU with beeps and noises everywhere, 25 days of having a roommate, and now at UCSF she is going on 21 days of constantly having an infant roommate. Whenever she falls asleep, I don't allow the nurses to wake for vitals unless absolutely necessary because she is getting rest. There have been many times when reading to Makenzie in the middle of the day she falls asleep cuddled in my arms and I have to go to the bathroom, but I will now move for fear of having her wake up. One time I stayed still for 4 hours, but Makenzie got good sleep. The nights it makes me nervous that if she's asleep, an infant crying all night would wake her up. She used to wake up crying, just eager to sleep and find a peaceful dream to escape her reality. We would rock and somehow I was hoping the magical rocking would secure her a space in dreamland where she was comfortable. She still wakes crying with exhaustion sometimes, but tonight, she is sleeping so peacefully beside me as I am wide awake with the not one, but two new neighbors and their Mom in their "room". Their room is otherwise known as the other side of a plaid curtain. It is so hard, as a parent you have pain for each child. You want every child to feel better, safe, secure and comfortable to have an incredible night's rest.

But my own child is my focus and I am frustrated with my own self for not pushing harder for Makenzie to have her own room because we always thought and hoped it would get better. We love our window and view here. Makenzie has carved a comfortable space here so after getting back to her room from the three-fer room (absolutely challenging experience) I thought we were doing great with just one baby neighbor and wishfully thinking they could be sprinkled with fairy dust and sleep well. But tonight, the baby is the patient and there was no one to care for her sister so Mom has both. I understand that, but now her sister has been up throwing up, baby screaming for an hour or more, and I trying to help Mom and her nurse since Makenzie is sleeping. Hoping, praying, wishing my own angel stays asleep. Come on Tinkerbell, find the sweet kiddos on the other side of the curtain and sprinkle a whole bucket of your pixie dream dust. There is no guest room, couch or even floor in the hallway to escape to find some zzz's and this Mama needs some sleep!